In Your Eyes

Somehow if you click the title it takes you
To a You Tube of...

Peter Gabriel

"In Your Eyes"

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
..........................
For me
Love = A Loving Higher Power
(I choose to call God)
In your eyes I am complete
This ones for you God
thanks

Doing it sober - another first

Its a first
www.hydeparkcalling.co.uk/home/

Just spent 10 hours in the open air
listened to some excellent bands
3 stages
saw some new ones (to me)
and a couple of old favourites

Such a cheap day out doing it sober
So much more chilled
Not racing to the beer tent between sets
Not racing to the toilet
Not missing anything
Present for it all

there's something about music
theres something about it
that opens me up
and cradles my heart
then lifts me up

Ghosts
Forever Like Red
Bens Brother
Amy Macdonald
Rushmore
The Feeling aswell as their own stuff
did an awesome cover of "Video killed the Radio Star"

Crowded House sang
Always take the weather with you
and it starts terrential raining
we shared umbrella's
it didnt matter

Peter Gabriel
20 feet away, singing
In Your Eyes
I felt so lucky
my heart just feels blessed
It was a beautiful moment

If you had asked me what
I would like to hear the most live today
it would be that one
it was worth working for
Am grateful

I love seeing gifts of everything
even the ordinary days have gifts
I dont ever want to lose
the gratitude
I feel for what
I have been given
I dont want to stop noticing it all

I am Grateful

I have just experienced a very teachable moment
which I will share another time
am processing it
Basically I have made some progress
without even realising it
to do with people, personal relations
I thought it was like this
when actually not

to acknowledge progress is a MUST
however small and slow I think it is
the reality is, all growth is a gift
Its a spiritual awakening we get
not an alarm clock in our ear

Am humbled once again by the Power of God
(as I understand Him)
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
anything can happen
well it just has and its lovely

bring it on!!
Recovery Rocks dudes

If like me you are going to
Hyde Park Calling tomorrow
Have a great time...
www.hydeparkcalling.co.uk

Kindness

Kind. Is something I always "tried" to be
ie great effort was put in
I never got the "responses" from people
which I expected
so would get a resentment and sulk

Today I was called kind (more than once)
and thanked for my kindness today
I didnt even know that I was being kind
I just was

Its happenened without me noticing
I didnt have to put any effort in today

What I saw was "just doing my job"
Others saw as kindness

Its none of my business what was going
on in the heads of those who said it

All I know is that I am naturally a kind person
and by just doing the right things
ie in this instant "just doing my job"
without the self seeking motives
of recognition
I am now doing this kindness thing
without even trying
its no effort
I just am kind (I am not a saint)
The recognition thing happened
naturally aswell, but thats another post last summer

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for
us what we could not do for ourselves P84

This has happened as the result of these steps
This has happened as the result of listening
and doing what my Sponsors have suggested
This has happened as a result of being honest
openminded and willing (to do the next right thing)
this has happened as the result of cultivating
and growing a relationship of a loving Higher power
(one that wants the best for us all)
This has happened as the result of trusting the process

It works - it really does
I am changed and changing
I love this

Just doing my job isnt about just turning up and
being the angry doormat victim martyr anymore.
its about doing anylength, being of max helpfulness
whatever am asked todo, being in a job I can do
and or getting the training to do whats required to
do it... whatever it is... unless its illegal or
immoral... I work for them, I do not run the show.
By living this, we have more laughs at work
than I have ever experienced in any other job
and our respective line managers are more than happy
with our performance)

I laugh more than I have ever laughed
It dont seem like work
We often say
When does the real work start then ?
And I earn more than I have ever earned...

This is definitely a 4th Dimension am in
Its Life Jim, but not as you know it

thank you for all your comments the last few days

By the way
life isnt perfect
I have some areas of my
life which are unmanageable
Some of my affairs need working on
It IS all moving in the right direction
its all along way away from that
pityful demoralization not not too many years ago

I have absolute faith that as long as I
Keep on, keeping on, have faith in my loving HP
and use these Spiritual tools
ALL my problems, difficulties, defects, flaws
faults, sick bits, mental, physical, internal
external will be dealable with
one way or another

BUT it will be in Gods time NOT mine

when I dont know what to say

when I dont know what to say
it is ok to say nothing
or say "I dont know what to say"
(more often than not, its enough)

"You say it best
...when you say nothing atall"
(Ronan Keating)

"I dont know what else to say"
EXCEPT
am just as grateful as ever dudes
:-)

It works - It really does

It works-It really does
P88 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful today
that I do not buy into other peoples drama
I do not react with muted anger or audible sarcasm
towards people for replaying the
"this is this weeks problem tape"
to everyone that asks how they are
regardless of who they are
whether they are equipped to deal with it

I was like this ALL THE FREAKING TIME
once I got in AA and found a voice of sorts
its like the tape was on constant
play, rewind, play, rewind
all my problems seemed to build up like layers
and even though some became resolved
it was like i couldnt grasp it - couldnt see the truth
life got too much, and even the simplest things
became too ard, it was all just too ard

Spiritually sick, emotionally crippled, mentally defective
physically just a bag of organs, surviving
continually sick and tired of being sick and tired
I was the most miserable **!
Continually needing reminding
We are sick people getting well, not bad people getting good

God am glad its not like that now!!

Up to a few years ago
I had no idea how to deal with
the Devils who wear Prada
The Primadonnas LOUD AND PROUD
now I am
(I have a God that helpd me come to believe)
that my George from Asda is good enough!!
Twiggy at M&S is also enough
And the Devil also weras George & M&S

The Devil often does wear Prada in circles
that I now find myself in and he often reveals himself
and she aint a pretty woman
The grass is not greener

So I stick with "trying to be of maximum helpfulness"
continue to dress becomingly in my George at Asda
and Twiggy at M&S
and stay out of other peoples drama's
I do not have to fix them
I do not have to like them
I do not have to take them home with me

I like praying for people nowadays
People appear to change after a few days
...... they do, its true, they appear to change
Whatever..it works this praying lark
Its magic
...... stop your scoffing and try it

Yeh I have resentments its obvious
Those same defects do not disappear
they just quieten
But I take inventory and pray for them dudes
On my knees at times
I rarely say how I feel when in resentment
mostly its not helpful
(I remember trying it, making a comment,
it resulted in a loud shouting match
battle of self wills
- my motives for the comment
was barbed with envy, self pity, pride
and self centred fear, affecting my security
self esteem and personal relations)
In otherwords, crap motives

At that time, I didnt have this
faith in the Spirit of the Universe,
a Loving God (its true)
I had no idea what to do with these people
So i would avoid them
Now I dont need to, in fact its impossible to
These Eskimo's turn up all over the place
carrying Prada bags

God hears my truth and thats enough
I have been a doormat to my own stuff long enough
I am not prepared to be one for anyone elses
Its just not Gods will for me, I KNOW
I have worked to hard for what I have now
With His help and his messengers

How much money they have is none of my business
What they talk about is also none of my business
What their drama's are is also none of my business
Even if they tell me I dont have to comment
"I dont know" is enough
Gossip Kills (me if I listen to it)
Idle banter kills me (if I take part in it for too long)
So I try not to do either

Nowadays I love my Devils in Prada
They are all Gods kids, as I am
Perfect in their imperfectness
Just like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sleeeeeeeeeeeep give me Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Gratefully yours God, to build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt
(please dont put me in Prada)
Johno

Ps God only kidding about me in Prada
i'll leave it with you

PPs God do you wear Prada ?

Go for Gold, then, Give it away to Keep it

Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the
ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release
from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.
Father feels he has struck something better than gold.
For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.
He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a
limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines
it for the rest of his life and insists on giving
away the entire product. P128,129

I love this, its one of my favouritist bits

I used to only give so much information
at work or in family or friends etc
Fear that I might be seen as a failure
or that someone may "use" the information
and become better than me

Nowadays, it seems the more thats revealed to me
the more I want to give away freely
and the simpler life is

tell the truth

At work, I used to just keep skills
tricks, short cuts, resources to myself
I would give stuff away, if I felt like it
if i liked them, if I could be bothered
or if i did, i would judge managers etc
for not having done their jobs right in
recruitment etc etc people should know what to
do from the minute they walk through the door... right!!

AA's showed me what to do, I needed showing
from the minute I walked in the door
and then as soon as i had something
I HAD to GIVE it away to a newcomer
even when i wasn't sure what it was i had
Everything I mean EVERYTHING
Then later Practice this Principle in all my affairs

Mentoring someone at work last year
without being paid any extra really just helped me
(Inventory & Prayer helped me lose the greed & judgemental stuff)
Action in the form of helping a new recruit at work
took my mind off the death of my mother
during working hours & there was a lot of laughing
mostly about his impatience & his need for perfection NOW
(sounds earily familiar to me)

He came up with the same stuff as me and any other
had come up with doubts, impatience, willingness, fear
arrogance, pride
We encouraged each other and this big geyser
softened when at times I cried
us humans, we have everything in us we need
it just takes time & willingness for it to show itself

This guy was and still is himself
"a loveable PROUD dude with a sense of humour
and a sense of knowing what the right thing is"
Its cool to see the the process works for him when he works it
as it did and still does for me when I work it
Just like it worked and still works for the people
who passed it onto me
"It" being the processes at work
Trust the Process (this one being the processes inplace at work)
Oh yeh we no longer work in the same building
we are now friends... now thats a gift YeY!!

going to any lengths at work and work their processes
also helped "the management"
see where their process needs changing
or not, it makes there inventory taking easier!!
Well it did for our place
ONLY when there were a few of us actually
doing what was required, instead of cutting corners

I am grateful to be able to look back at the past
without regret, remorse, shame

I have had some REALLY kind, patient and tolerent people
around me at work over the years
Its not a given that the people
who are paid to train & manage, actually do
I never REALLY saw at the time how much
help, skills, knowledge, kindness
and a certain amount of love too... even at work
Love, unconditional love, the one with no strings

Some times I need to stop and take a look back to see
what it was like, what happened and
what its like now
inside me and outside of me
it really is about change
continual willingness & openness to change
and be changed

Go for Gold, mine it and give it away
Have faith, it works - it really does
:-)

Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I Quit the Debating Society

I asked the question "Am I recovered?"

An old timer I would consider "recovered"
uttered along the lines of
"We alcoholics can get in to heated discussion about things"
he gave me his definition
yeh made sense
still not satisfied

I spoke with my sponsor yesterday
who uttered, how can we be sure ?
the person is practicing these principles in all there affairs?
am I sure they are ?

the truth is i dunno
the answer now seems irrelevent

What I do know is that this question
has diverted me from my primary purpose
At my home groups
Its not helpful for me to hang around
debating whether I am recovered or not
(me the great me)

Johno Just Get Over Yourself
And get on with it
cos inevitably if pursued further
will lead to you
making a complete ass of yourself

Thank you Friend of Bill
for your .. We are never "cooked" post this week

Its the first "pop" that does the damage

Bubble Wrap packaging
We had some sheets of bubble wrap packaging
with the large bubbles in the office today

how many people
are unable to just pop one bubble
and walk away

Walk over to the nearest sheet of bubble wrap
and try to control your popping!!

Just pop one bubble and walk away... try it
(obviously do not if kind of behaviour
is already a problem in your life)

#Rule 62. "Dont take yourself so damn seriously"
I am off to bubble wrap poppers anonymous

Very grateful today
The way I have been sponsored over the last 3.75 years
Is nothing short of God gift to me
I have listened to everything I could
tried everything I could
Its all worked
its all relevent
its all tools to use
Its all stored up like in the library
just waiting to be used
I am blown away

Thank God for Sponsors
Thank God for the 3 Keys
Honesty, Willingness, openmindedness
Thank God for the 3 Legacies
Unity, Recovery, Service
Thank God for Progress not Perfection
Thank God for the Big Book
Thank God for the first 100 Angels
Thank God they went to anylength
AA Comes of Age
never fails to bring out the gratitude in me
Am grateful for our fellowships Loving God

Thy will not mine be done

Happy 72nd Anniversary AA

What a fab day
Sun Shone
Did some washing
took inventory
prayed
Let go
Spoke to Sponsor this morning
"Pray, dont give advice only experience, MYOB"
Went to Portobello Road Market 1st time
Got some sun
Spent the afternoon in the 12th step
Prayed, didnt give advice only experience, MYOB"
Let go
enjoyed pizza
Got a text from overseas AA buddy
reminded its AA birthday!!
Spoke to sponsee
Let Go
been out 10 hours
Cheap day out
drinking fresh juice & green tea!!
Am very grateful to be a part of this amazing
loving, giving, fellowship
Thank you God

Enjoy gratitude week dudes!!

Letting in the sunlight

having taken inventory
and prayed
an answer came

I had to let go of an AA commitment
Its amazing how letting go
of 1 evening a month
has lifted the world off my shoulders

I dont have to do it all
its not spiritual or comfortable
to try and know it all
my pride and self will
often block Gods will
progress not perfectionism

When my will is in line with Gods Will
all the doors seem to open
every step seems more effortless

Just letting go of that 1 thing
somehow opens up the channels on other stuff

Am currently praying on career progression
change in direction
something I wanted years ago
something I couldnt imagine getting into nowadays

pre AA and in early recovery
I wasnt happy with my jobs
I always wanted to change
to something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

nowadays, I know what I am good at
I know where my God given powers/skills lie
(or some of them anyway)
nowadays I can see that to completely change
direction is not something i need to do
its not necessary

It seems God has plans for me
plans which use the career skills i already have
and require some studying
to move in a slightly different direction

But it is in the direction I wanted years ago
This is bizarre, God is all powerful
My path is being corrected

Currently putting in the footwork
letting go of the outcome
all doors are opening

Fear rising
Faith rising higher
The truth is setting me free

Anythings possible

god am grateful

Also grateful
Sponsee starting to come out of the fog
Am grateful the answer which came the other day
Sponsee also got the same message
I love it, I didnt have to do anything

had a conversation with another AA
"am i recovered?"
I am recovered from that hopeless state of body and mind
I am no longer suffering
I dont feel like I used too
I do not drink
I have no desire to drink
I am not embarrased that I dont drink
the promises have come true
I have direction
I am useful
I am happy
I have fun
I know what to do today
I have hope
i feel like just another human (imperfect)
I am ok with me, all of me
I feel lucky to have a programme
I am not reliant on human to fix me
I am not cured of alcoholism
"am I recovered?"

Learn to Listen, Listen to Learn

I heard
The bad thing about recovery is
you feel great
then you think you dont need it
then you stop working it
and many alkys forget
and drink
and some die
that was from a 25year sober AA

he values his sobriety
if he didnt stay sober
everything else would not be
He works it everyday
simple stuff
in all his affairs
and he isnt perfect

me am doing lots of service
lots of carrying the message
lots of tradition 5
its all going ok
I love it all

Wheres the listening time
I dont know it all
its alright carrying the message
I need to listen again

None of us makes a sole vocation of this work,
nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. P19

My imagination is fired
I am free to do anything
I feel it
I now have too many choices
And not enough time
to do it all
with love
am fraying at the edges
starting to become unmanageable
too much to deal with
I am not a robot
quality not quantity

Time to review
Recovery
Unity
Service
inventory
prayer meditation
service

unconditional love
= giving without strings
= giving freely

I need to improve my conscious contact
Am running too highly
on Pride & self will
enthusiasm is there
passion there
Fear is creeping in
replace fear with faith

physically am just a mere human being
AA will survive without me
I wont survive with out my conscious contact

I need to let go a little
Need to spend time
talking with God more
or rather listening
Works without Faith is dead!!
Quality not Quantity

Control Freaks dont rule... OK
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. P62

God I offer myself to Thee,
to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do Thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help
of thy power
Thy Love
and Thy way of life
may I do Thy will always!
P63

Page refs to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

cutting the hair of a control freak

What it was like
I used to cut my hair myself
It was one way of cutting myself
without doing any skin damage
A temporary release
deluded ... ease & comfort
Another fix
Too tight to pay London prices
money was better spent on cheap vodka
no one could cut my hair the way I wanted
cos I didnt really know what I wanted
no one understood me
poor me....

Stylists they always wanted to cut how they wanted
If I wanted it how I wanted,
they always did that deep sucking in
like mechanics do
How would they know anything about hair?
and how would they know whats best for me anyway?
Its my hair, I have to wear it......i know better

What happened ?
At some point a few years ago
I got the urge to self harm big time
wanted to cut my hair and myself
But was in recovery and knew I didnt want to do this anymore
I wanted to let go of this old idea
that self harm made me feel good
WHEN i CUT MY SKIN AND MY HAIR
I FELT GUILT, REMORSE, SHAME, ANGRY, SCARED
it didnt work, and I didnt want to do it anymore

So I made a decision to let go of the scissors
Let the hair expert take control
quelle suprise
people commented on my hair
how good it looked
how much younger I looked
Oh my God

What its like now
I now go to one of the cheapest place in London
£5 a cut
Just off Shaftesbury Avenue
Am in and out in 15minutes inc the wait
No products
No tea and biscuits
no flowery fluffy stuff
no time to change my mind
no time to build up too much resentment
very little small talk about holidays

How would you like it ?
just a bit shorter
how much ?
not much
not too short
what style ?
same as is, can you see how it is ?
yep I can
not sure how much to take off, an inch ?
errr yeah ok, try that then...(fear)
not too short though
and leave the fringe like it is (I mumble)
top a bit messy
back a bit long
not too short though
Physically, i grit my teeth
hold my breath
focus on my double chin
dread them cutting my ears
imagine they are going to cut my hair far to short
cos I know best
Johno your a poor crystal ball gazer
Johno your such a drama queen!!

So my hair is now cut by the same place
even swap around the "stylists"
Even though its such a performance in my head
I do it anyway

the results time after time are
I feel better
I like the style they conjoured up for me
Other people compliment me aswell
I haven't self harmed for a long while now
I have given up cutting my own hair
If I get the urge, I take inventory and pray
am still tight with money
or is the truth that...
have I found what works
and am now working it

Grateful to be in AA
Grateful to no longer believe the
negative head stuff
Grateful I just done a chair in Brixton Prison
grateful its sunny and hot
am off to the park
Grateful to be grateful
Grateful to be Free

thank you Blue for inspiring this post

Today

Am grateful...
a missing AA dude, texted me
sponsee getting feisty
Gods words not mine
patience & tolerence
better to understand than to be understood
the only person we can change are ourselves
often only with Gods help

giving things ago
Old timer in home group yesterday
"you dont take the credit if your sponsee gets it
you dont take the blame if they dont"
another newcomer does his first chair
further evidence the steps work
text off prison AA for my chair date
call of another prison AA about another prison

my calm flat
clean bed
good food
no-one home
quiet bath
getting home in the sunshine
a quiet journey home
talking with family tonight
trying to be of max helpfulness

trying to sort out a banking mix up I have
trying not to bury my head in the sand
recognising how disabling fear really is
step 10's cos they free me up
prayer cos its comforting and safe

doing some clearing up
grateful I have a direction and a purpose
grateful for progress NOT prefection
grateful to be trusted
grateful that I am not God
grateful i made my bed before blogging
grateful for AA its the best
grateful to be tired

grateful I can tell ya I need to take inventory
grateful to be honest.. am fighting inventory
grateful to feel blocked & be aware of it
grateful to know the solution

am lovin it

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Took inventory
prayed
spoke with newcomers
read the instructions for new TV box thing
just plugged into a source of another 50 odd channels
flicked through the channels mindlessly for a while
ate and went to bed
no nightmares
less wired

Am grateful for all of that
having a job
pay day tomorrow
standing listening to the River Thames in the sun this lunchtime
walking down cobble streets to work
fresh air
a cool bath
fresh food
another chance for R&R and early night tonight
progress not perfection


see ya

Dear Mum

Bit sad this week
done some crying
thinking of mum
specifically she isnt here
to see my recent progress (in a few life areas)
all selfish self centred
self seeking reasons for wanting her here
bottom line approval seeking
dishonest

Yeh am easier on myself in reality than I sound
but I have to be honest

Losing a parent or anyone is big stuff
Grieving is an ongoing experience
as far as I can see there is no cure
for Mum, sometimes the knot is tight
and the crying, deep crying from within releases it
mostly nowadays its, almost invisible
it comes, it goes
Am grateful for the memories I have
yes there are some good ones & for those am grateful
sober memories

Also on a lighter note
would like to tell her have bought some new clothes
nice quality different stuff, tailored trousers
havent been interested in improving my wardrobe for years
didnt have much in common with mum before either...
would love to tell her I went shopping in M&S
checked out some great trousers last week, thought about them
went in again this week, tried on, still liked & bought them
they are NOT JEANS!!
I have stuff to go with already
Not a shopping fix
I have the money and the need
Can I afford it ? yes
Am I worth it ? yes
Ker..ching
So Mum if your on the big blogger in the sky
now you know
Love ya
xx

Ps told you it was all about me!!
self seeking
no mention of how are you mum ?
how are you enjoying it up there?
what have you been up to?
just me me me me me

Thank you God for giving me
the willingness to get the trousers
for me
cos i liked them
can afford them
I want them
and need them
they fit me
i wil wear them
and the ability to be honest & say
I know I look pretty damn fit in them aswell
without waiting for someone else to tell me

Its true, I found myself

I am Grateful

I caught myself self diagnosing my symptoms this morning & stopped
I got up and went to work instead of listening to me
I call up & went to GP today to see whats up with me
That I dont have something serious wrong with me (quelle suprise)
I Just have a virus
Am not infectious
That he told me to take it easy!!

I could still go to my home group with knowledge I wasnt contagious
sponsor that tells me to take inventory
sponsor that tells me there is no perfect sponsor
sponsor that tells me am full of fear
that I will take inventory, even though I THINK my sponsor is wrong!!
(dont you know who I am!?*)
Deep down I KNOW my sponsor is right (rarely wrong)
sponsee making progress
I am making progress
its all happening like inch by inch

(feels like am moving a great big heavy tanker along with my little finger
and at the same time I just noticed its like its moving slowly on its own
even if I dont push it, am starting to feel this is God doing it not me)

having a laugh with my Dad tonight
getting my work done today
Laughing at work
dressing becomingly
someone doing my work yesterday when I was laid up
Seeing how irresponsible overdoing it can be
Seeing how doing too much even when I THINK its ok
has led me to take a day off sick
this doesnt feel comfortable
I feel wired
Grateful to know how I feel & know that I can change

Evenings in, step 11, quiet time
I have these often and so enjoy them
Doing the opposite for the last 2 weeks
AND experiencing the consequences of NOT taking time out
has made me appreciate today
a) how how essential it is
b) that I can actually do this quiet time nowadays
c) that it is part of recovery
d) its God Will (not always mine)

Stop running round like a teenager
progress not perfection
cinch by the inch hard by the yard

Going to take inventory
Pray
Let God

Good night
God thank you keeping me sober, safe & healthy today

Easy does it -but do it NOT OVER DO IT!!

The truth was highlighted to me
by a complete stranger in a call centre
he asked me what I had planned for the rest of the day ?
I said I was staying in cos am knackered
I have been working full time
and out everynight for the last two weeks

Its true I have been working full time
and out every evening, doing AA and other stuff

lifes good, easy, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM

The guy on the phone who sounded
about 10 years younger than me said
God, you have a better social life
than i do, even i dont go out that much

Have to find balance again
staying in and early nights
spending time with myself
are something I can do these days
So I must do it

Also I can say no to going out
something else will come along

Grateful that I finally seen the bleedin obvious
just for today

Thank God for the ordinary

no nightnmare
no drama
no big deals

feeling drained
Be good to yourself
Easy does it
But do it

back to basics for me
suggestions and steps 10,11,12
H.A.L.T.
Do my best
Its enough
am grateful

thats all for now
see ya

Willing to go to any length ?

Yes

Taking this 12th step work a day at a time
it feels like the most natural thing to do
I have very little fear
my prides not big or small
Its all alright, feels ordinary really
Keeping it all very simple
Hour by hour
little expectation of self and other as possible
Letting God in on it all
keeping the channel open
paying attention
day/hour/minute at a time

Remembering my early experiences with my sponsors
Yeh I have already heard stuff I came out with,
said to me this week
and I am ALREADY coming out with stuff,
that each of my sponsors suggested to me in response OMG
Am grateful I paid attention, was willing, honest,
and openminded however limited!!
Had that gift of desperation
and was scared to death of going back

am grateful for the patience, pity and tolerence, tough love that
sponsors and the AA fellowship gave me
and continue to
Its true I am not special & different
And it has worked for me too
Thank you

Its official, step 12
Subconsciously, ie sleeping
Nightmares have started
I forgot about them until they started up again
Started working with a sponsee "Tuesday"
Nightmares 3 out of 4 nights since
Past experience shows
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Step 12 am on the journey from my head to my heart

My fear has lots of time to play around when am asleep
I am powerless over my mind when am asleep
oddly, getting slashed badly with a stanley blade
and having a gun held to my head and being shot
were both on my fears list
this was my nightmare last night
none of this I have experienced in real life

Then I woke up and it was Saturday
The sun was shining
Had that lay in
and had a fab day
Met up with sponsee
Am grateful
Now am tired

What does tonights have in store!!
its like having my very own internal Blockbuster Store
ha ha

Good night
love ya God