somethings occuring

Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I dont understand how i never understood what this meant before
Or i wasnt ready to do it myself
but somethings happening to me NOW
So God, you knew its was time & i could handle it
And as usual... you were right
its ok its kind of good
the ugly truth came out
i had a choice to hold onto my old ideas...
do it my miserable, lonely, secretive, dishonest way
i so have been complicating stuff

or let go of my old ideas as it says in How it works Chapter 5
i chose to try & let go of 3 people and an old old fix over a week ago
(dishonest/deluded thinking & acting)
I chose to try and grow up, let go absolutely
cutting the umbilical cord
stabilisers off
arm bands & ego deflated
open up the channel, free float directly with the spirit of the universe
stop using people & things to fix/as a solution to anything
become reliant upon a Power Greater than ouselves
i became willing on these two areas of my life
letting no person/place or thing stand in the way of my higher power
its not a sponsor that keeps me sober
its no one else either
in fact its no thing
its not my agility in reeling off the steps -
its not knowledge that keeps me sober
it is Gods will that my obsession to drink is lifted today
its a power greater than ourselves that granted me a sober day
its a power greater than ourselves thats restored me to sanity today
all i have is a daily reprieve
all i came here for was cos....
i had a problem with drink & my life had become so unmanageable
it was unbearable being me
AA have given me a solution & much more besides if i wanted it

i wanted it

I have had to let go of some pretty old ideas, because the results have been nil
they have caused me resentments & fear
Change or die
praying through the day, asking only for his will & the power to carry it out
written step 10's throughout the day like theres no tomorrow
helping others, giving freely
meetings
gratitude lists
the big books coming alive
giving time time, giving my HP time to show me his will

since letting go, am amazed
strange, uncomfortable at times,
but ultimately wonderful things have been occuring
my eyes are wide & my ears are hearing
It would be arrogant of me to ignore the signs & say they are coincidences
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
How many God moments am i gonna have this week ?
Everything IS teaching me

Am truly blessed
the sky didnt fall in
good things are happening to me & to people around me
am handling stuff you wouldnt believe
even making mistakes & its ok
its like someone keeps switching the lights on and off inside me
and i like it (its all frikkin alien though)
the best is yet to come ?
how much better can it get......God ?
I am so grateful

See what happens when you hold the fork ?
ITS NOT THE FRIKKIN FORK JOHNO
God have i got to let go of the fork aswell....?

Progress not Perfection
Keep on keeping on

Today feel a new freedom

Today

i am looking at the world through my own eyes
i am seeing it, feeling it for myself, not what i think you want me to see, feel
i am making a conscious contact with the truth, with reality
living every moment myself
i am not alone
i have to and want to
i am experiencing
my mind has further opened
my eyes wider opening
my God there really are no limits
there is a whole load of new sharing or is it?
i am hearing, same people, different ears (mine)
also listening to different people

i thought i would never survive if Friday ever happened
what do i know anyway...
i have extra time appeared from nowhere
the minutes seem like hours, God what a gift
i feel some freedom in my heart in my spirit
i have my own thoughts new thoughts, based upon proven results,
gained through my experience, not old ideas or vague maybes
i am not thinking what you would tell me to do
i am doing what i know works already
i am keeping on
it still works even without you being there
i havent fallen over
the sky didnt fall in

3 obsessions i let go of Friday
another "acting out" i ditched it all Sunday
all i have is a daily reprieve
thats all i need, because i only have today
if i can do something for 12 hours.....
how many things am i doing effortlessly JUST FOR TODAY
a frikkin miracle
honesty, openmindedness, willingness
all i have to do is try
progress not perfection
no i dont know it all
all i know is that it continues to work, while i work it
its my job to continue to work it
is this what independence feels like?

today

i asked myself who let go of who?
i was already letting go
i already decided not to go no further the way i felt with you and the step8/9
i already knew we wasnt working
i just didnt know what to do about it
i thought we HAD to make it work
i thought it was down to you to sort it out
if it was down to you i could be the victim

i dont want to be a victim to anyone anymore
since Friday i dont feel a victim nor victor
rejected, abandoned....
nope they dont fit, i am glad i checked them out for size
relieved, hopeful, useful, with purpose, part of....
yep they fit
i feel ok
you did the right thing
i was ready to move on
i just didnt know how
thank you for sponsoring me
thank you for letting me go
its time to grow
am grateful for this magical mysterious fellowship i am part of
God moves in mysterious ways
am grateful for that too

Today

I see that i am improving on being...
a friend amongst friends, worker amongst workers, part of a family
I also see that some people...
may always know me as emotionally dependent on them
They may be right, i dunno what the future holds
i am no saint, i just do my best
All i have is a daily reprieve from my defects, flaws, difficulties, obsessions
Its my job to take action, do the right things
my job to kick these into remission for the happiness of myself and others
there are no days off
am grateful for all this stuff

Walking upright again

Today i am grateful for

waking without fear
praying
letting myself rest
knowing when i was starting to isolate & getting up
for having a washing machine at home
for not having self pity
for feeling worth it
for doing some tidying
for doing some step10s
for starting my gratitude list early
for having a purpose in life
for feeling useful
for the texts i got today
for seeinmg how other peoples have fears for me
for the mirror that was put in front of me
for my progress in the last two years

for feeling that this really is time for spiritual growth
for wanting to change
for being willing to change
for feeling part of many
for having clean water to drink
for the sun shining
for having a south and west facing home
for not having to go out to get some rays

for having a meeting to go to later
for having agreed to call back one of my "Help" people this afternoon
for being teacheable
for the seed of Al-anon being rewatered again last night
for knowing its being watered for a reason
for not having to know why today

for feeling an inner strength
for not dreading work tomorrow
for the acknowledging i had a void
for also seeing its not as big as my head told me it was going to be
for seeing my head is not to be trusted
for not regretting the past
for having so much gratitude so early in the day

for calling the "help" person back
for what was on offer to me
for being told to have confidence in my own ability to make a decision
for reading How it works instead of calling up someone for advice on advice
for allowing someone else in
for having confidence in my own abilities
for allowing a change to take place
for being teachable
for making some room for spiritual growth
for making a decision to talk further

for calling someone up about a change in my meetings next week
for explaining why without my pride getting in the way
for passing ion my experiences in the last 24hours
for accepting that there are lots of happy people over 10 years sober
for seeing how dependent i have been
for not beating myself up

for going to a meeting
for it being step4
for seeing my emotional security is a biggie
for seeing that its ok to start the steps over
for seeing its my pride only that says "oh god i might have to start again"
for hearing the benefits of going back & doing it different
for hearing this is not about doing a perfect 12 step programme
for listening to the positives
for seeing my perfectionism/controlfreakness is strangling
for not sitting apart, for getting in the middle front
for not listening to my head that i have nothing to pass on today

for going for coffee with someone new
for doing what i do normally
for having purpose
for letting go
for opening my mind further today

for this 1930's tiled floor under my lino
for finishing renovating my wooden floor
for having a home
for being safe
for being sober
for being alive
for being hopeful & with purpose
for being on this big adventure
for having a loving Higher Power
for a growing inner peace
for keeping things very very simple
for you showng me whats going on outside my "world"
for being grateful

Hand in Hand

Learning to be honest
accepting i have been dishonest, holding back stuff
getting honest took courage

Today I am grateful for
praying for guidance on sponsorship
getting a phone call from someone who knows better than i
getting bathed
eating breakfast
doing an early meeting
doing some washing
not getting a resentment because the shops had run out of milk
not getting a resentment that another shop i needed was closed
having another meeting to go to

going to the meeting even though I would be late
not sitting at the back, getting in the middle of the row
for the woman stood next to me that asked me am i ok?
for my ability to say no & showing my pain
for the newcomer that asked if i was ok
for my ability to say tearful but going for coffee to chat about it
for not passing on my drama to someone who "may" not be able to handle it
for not running off after the meeting

for accepting the friendly womans offer to go for coffee
for not getting drawn into going to her house, keeping to a cafe
for allowing my tears
for listening to her
for "Rejection is Gods protection"
for allowing me to take a new word and apply it to summarise my feelings "Rejected"
for still having a manageable amount of self pity
for the love i was receiving
for it penetrating through in bits
for accepting what i have been is co-dependent
for her suggestions re Letting go
for her sharing her stuff around her son rejecting her
for this non judgemental people that i am surrounding myself with
for staying in the present, staying focussed
for leaving with a clear direction what i was gonna do next
for leaving with no fear of the future
for saying out loud the best is yet to come

for taking a long walk to my spiritual place
for seeing a pelican close up
for the beautiful sunny day
for the warmth in my bones
for the background music from Jaguar in the bandstand
remembering time here with my mum last year
a "god moment" she texted me while was lying there
for the squirrels
for the birds
for the water
for Mother Nature, she heals me gently
for having a kip in the sun

for going to a different meeting openminded
for getting another word which summarises my feelings "abandoned"

for getting a call back from one of my "help" messages left yesterday
for the suggestion of doing step10 around me and my sponsor
for the suggestions around step8
for seeing that i felt disloyal by getting resentful
for seeing thats all part of the co-dependency
for taking advice from someone who knows better
for my fear of this person being lifted
for me being able to take advice (i have no choice if i want to get restored to sanity)
for having a conversation about being let go without crying
for allowing the healing process to take place

for making a decision to stay for the next meeting
for replying to a text with honesty, experience strength & hope
for a "God moment" when the author of the text appeared at the meeting
for having a laugh
for "And acceptance is the answer" being read out
for God doing for me what i could do for myself ie read the passage myself
for the newcomer who shared about inability to cry, expectations around sponsorship, not accepting that a sponsor wasnt there to treat all problems, just to take the sponsee through AAs 12steps, and thinking about suicide
for the mirror that was just put in front of me
for seeing i am not there, because i didnt listen to my old thinking yesterday
for my friend knowing the newcomer
for talking after the meeting
for the similarities

for staying for the next meeting
for feeling my whole empty out
for knowing for me the solution was to share gratitude & hope, blow the fear off the planet
for asking god to help me share his will
for getting picked to share
for not hanging around to chat again, letting go

going to another meeting because i wasnt sure if i was done
not sharing in the meeting, and sharing after appropriately
for knowing i was hungry & tired & coming home

for being sober, alive, with hope, being part of
for the suggestions
for newcomers
for being teachable
for my willingness to grow
for the grace of God
for the dignity i have today
for getting home safe
for the good programme & spiritual tools my sponsor passed on to me
for seeing the programme is working, it was just our relationship that wasnt
seeing my sponsor as just another alky, not a Guru, God etc
hearing other people today who also have what i want
for having glimpses of what i dont want next time
for having glimpses of what i do
for seeing what i could possibly have
for being grateful
for having a level of acceptance
having a reasonable level of comfortableness to sleep with
for having a loving God
for not having the suffering thats going on overseas
for remembering the fork

The End & The Beginning in one day

When i woke this morning, i could not have predicted how today would go.
I went to work
I did my job
I wasnt a victim at lunchtime
I bought a card & posted it, at the right time
I was let go by my sponsor
I wanted to be taken back, i was willing, would try harder etc etc
The answer was still no
A minute of Acceptance

My old thinking started working,
(how can I do it without YOU, i only want what YOU have, no-one else will be as good as YOU, i am not going to get it now without YOU, how can YOU let me go now? How am i gonna get well now? You cant be serious, can YOU? am gonna go on a steep decline back to drinking...)

I saw that my sponsor had become & maybe always had been my higher power
I saw how I wasnt putting Principles Before Personalities (Tradition 12)
I saw that she had
I saw that i have been trying to manipulate the relationship past "taking me through the steps"
I saw she had been just taking me through the steps & showing me spiritual tools

I called up people who in my opinion would know better than me what to do
I called up people who wouldnt pity me
I called up people who had a level of sobriety/comfortableness/knowledge of the programme that I liked
It was suggested that I pray to be shown Gods will around sponsorship
I allowed the tears & was told its ok
I acknowledged my feeling of relief i felt
I acknowledged that I didnt feel impending doom
I acknowledged my part in this
I didnt take my Sponsors inventory
I acknowledged my difficulty
I acknowledged my need to change
I acknowledged my willingness
I was told I wouldnt drink over it
I didnt question or analyse that statement, i just listened
Whether I drink or not over this is none of my business, irrelevent today

It was suggested not to panic
It was suggested that I be openminded
It was suggested that I keep my praying really simple for now
It was suggested not to rush into another Sponsor
I was called by another AA who was worried about a social occasion
I was able to pass on my own experience & to ask HP for guidance
I didnt share what had just happened to me

I left work on time
Undecided which out of two meeting i was going to
Spoke with another AA who knows better than me
More tears, more letting go, more acceptance, more relief, more hope
Feeling of this is my chance to grow
This is my chance to change if i am willing
This is all in Gods hands

I went to meet some fellowship, pre meeting
I didnt spend money I havent got - ie didnt act out
I acknowledged my emotion of sadness/tears
I acknowledged that this is the right thing to happen
I acknowledged my part again, difficulty, need & willingness to change
I left with dignity insearch of my Higher Power & to cry
I admitted to my friend thats what I was going to do & did it

I sat in the most Spiritual place for me that I know of
I admitted to my HP that
1. i am aware of what my difficulty is & its a problem & cant solve alone
2. that he could help me with this, as its a big part of why i drank
3. I asked him to help me, show me his will and guide re sponsorship
4. I acknowledged my uncomfortableness & resentment
5. I admitted to him that I was fearful, it hadnt gone my way, that being hard on myself would be intolerant, that the fact i havent been able to deal with this difficulty yet is just my impatience.
6. I told him i was ready to have him remove the defects of character
7. I asked him to remove my shortcomings, my difficulties & defects
8. I realised that i was standing in the shoes of two people I had harmed on my Step8 list
I got grateful for this, feeling how they would have felt, willing, good intentions, done everything asked to the best of my ability, acknowleding my imperfections, but not being given a 2nd chance, not getting what I (the great me) wanted, no going back. Angry, shocked, disbelief, belief, scared, relief, small, hopeless, hopful. The decision was made not by me this time, i was powerless & had to accept it, as they had. There is no going back.
I acknowledged the beauty of my surroundings
i cried
called a couple of newcomers once i stopped crying

I went to the meeting
Asked how someone else was, heard how their pride had been hurt by their sponsor
9. no amend made to sponsor, only do what my has been asked of me, ie to not discuss it further
10. Spot checked my inventory, my pride had been dented aswell
11. Prayed to my HP to share His Will in the meeting
12. shared my experience, strength & hope & gratitude for the programme, fellowship & that I DO have a loving God in my life today, thanks to AA
After the meeting, talked to some people
Went for coffee, the meeting after the meeting
Didnt sit analysing whats happened
Made a simple plan of what to do tomorrow, no major changes, back to basics
HP, inventory, meetings, fellowship, newcomers, big book, gratitude, give & allow to be given
Talked about REM "Everybody Hurts" & how it gave me safety/hope for years, that identification, that I wasnt alone, that everybody crys sometime.
Got a "There really is a God" moment when it started playing in the cafe as I spoke about it
Got some more suggestions, letting go, minding my own business & keeping my side of the street clean, a day at a time
Acknowledged my physical pain i felt, i was starting to shake/shiver, shock
Realised I hadnt eaten for a while either
Acknowledged that I do not want to neglect myself or self harm
Acknowledged that this is for today, I may feel so different tomorow
Accepted that I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow
Acknowledged that i am a control freak
I have heard 4 times in the last 24 hours THERE ARE NO RULES
Time to let go & let God

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful that I havent drunk today, I dont want to drink today & for the spiritual tools i have been given & my willingness to use them... wheres the self pity ? the self pity i had was manageable until i projected, solution stop projecting & keep it in the day. ok

I am grateful for what I have been given so far, its been an amazing journey. Am grateful the above list and the lessons learnt so far. More will be revealed. Am grateful to other blogs for showing me whats going on outside of Johno's world, for giving me a better perspective.

That was today, I am now gonna eat, pray, cry & sleep

Grateful too for Remembering the fork - The best is yet to come
Rule #62 dont take yourself to seriously
Means accepting that i will make mistakes & accepting my imperfect self with dignity today

Keep on keeping on

RELAPSE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS

Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58

My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. P43

If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work P99

For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more P107

But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be. P117

You will lose the old life to find one much better P120

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think.....Though the old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones,the new structures will take years to complete. p123

The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt -- and one more failure P151

Again it was the old, insidiousinsanity -- that first drink P154

He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will knowloneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-offplace. He will wish for the end P152

A friend of mine commited suicide this week, she relapsed in June, had a nervous breakdown, and now she is dead. A progressive illness, RELASPE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS. Her last messages to me were ones of loneliness & a need for the light to be shed on her darkness.

ITS A KILLER ILLNESS, IT WANTS TO GET US ON OUR OWN AND KILL US.

DONT EVER LISTEN TO YOUR OLD THINKING JOHNO, CHECK IT OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS (ME) BETTER BEFORE ACTING OUT ON IT.

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL OR DIFFERENT, DO IT OR DIE

Am grateful to have known Kim, in such a short time, we became friends

AA am grateful that i am alive and sober today, with a Sponsor thats shoots from the big book.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves COULD restore us to sanity" P59 by getting honest about my, old obsessive/destructive behaviour which i didnt know what to do with, except suffer with alone & dishonestly act out on, with fear. I got some hope tonight & a little calm. I became willing.

From what I can see & correct me when i am wrong, hanging on to, or acting out on, OLD ideas/thinking/behaviour only brings misery & pain... according to what I read in the Big Book tonight.

All pages quoted from Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)

Kim VS you are with the Angels, no longer suffering

I had a dream

My heads in a spin, i am having to let go of possibly the biggest and most destructive old behaviour i have & its about killing me and my sponsor (imo) in the process.

I just got honest, in my own innocent demanding, childlike needy, give me more and more and more and more way, pissed my sponsor right off and my heads completely mashed up, i got shown the destruction & hurt that i can cause.

I dunno, this brainwashing .... well my brain needs washing is true for me

Its horrible that i leave this trail of worn out people along the way in my wreckage. i want this to stop NOW. But its not my in my time, its my HP's time.

So i dunno whats gonna happen next, get the sack ? lose my sponsor? drink again or do the steps and get my teeth off everybodies necks, God what have you got instore for me?

am i abusing this gift of AA ? STOP analysing. LEAVE IT THERE thats none of my business

Anyway they say pain is the touchstone of growth, i flippin hope so for both our sakes.

The dream on Monday night

I was lying in hospital with people around me, and the life support system has been turned off a while. There was this countdown going on, i was counting down the time I had left to turn the machine BACK ON. It was my choice if i did or did not, but if i got to Zero then its too late dead.
...... 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 at three i turned it back on.

Three is a significant number in my life today - read into that what you will

The steps restore me to sanity, i never had sanity before.

Getting honest wi my motives

am willing to change
am gonna pray to my HP to do for me what i cant do for myself
blind faith
i dont know whats gonna happen next
a journey of discovery & recovery
altered attitudes
spritual experience ? mines a bit less gentle than that at the minute, it is an experience yes
keep on keeping on
Remember the fork

Jealous by nature, false & unkind

Eurythmics

Love Is A Stranger

Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love loveIs a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff
It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession
Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love loveIs a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff
It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you soIt's an obsession
It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Today

I am grateful for

• Having apeace & quiet morning
• Seeing my dad & his girlfriend dancing & singing (acting like kids) having fun
• My dad being happy
• Not filling the day with too much
• Getting home ok
• getting to a meeting
• talking afterwards
• talking on the phone
• Not being too neurotic that "i missed the point entirely" on my step8 column 3
• Accepting that other people dont understand that this process is working for me
• Accepting that other people wont understand why i dont get a softer sponsor
• Accepting that i am getting the results i want/need from this process
• Accepting that i am not good at following the instructions my sponsor gives me
• accepting that i need to journal aswell as blog
• accepting that i dont want to put everything down in here that i feel
• noticing my blog got left on someones pc "history" over the weekend
• making a decision to change my rooms around
• not making a decision today when to do it
• having a day off tomorrow
• getting a "reminder" what it was like being legless & negotiating a public toilet
• being sober
• being clean (showered)
• having a good weekend
• being ok with the imperfect
• being home
• having a washing machine at home
• having a purpose
• keeping on

today I took the coach home, negotiating a tiny toilet cubicle on a moving bus, which was travelling through the bumpy, streets, (ie not smooth motorways) & turning corners, pulling up at traffic lights & stopping at public crossings etc. Being in that enclosed space took me back, reminded me of being drunk, not being able to stay upright, being slammed against the side of the cubicle because i overbalanced & not being able to stand up straight to get tidy again, whilst trying not to touch anything !! and wishing the room would stop moving & i wanted out. It was horrible, powerless, especially when the light kept going off aswell. Frickinhell.

But the endurance paid off because the toilets at the meeting were out of order through lack of water.

ONCE AGAIN MY HP HAS THE STRANGEST OF SENSE OF HUMOURS
at least i have one (a higher power) & i listened to it

Rule #62 dont take yourself so damn seriously

Learning to deal with

Disillusionment - To free or deprive of illusion

Today I learned that its ok, to take part in life as long as I expect the unexpected. Its taken me a long time to open my mouth & voice my opinion & not worry what you thought. For years if i did dare say what i thought, when it might not be what you wanted to hear, i would worry about what would happen next. If you looked at me after, i would worry for weeks, drink on it, replay it over and over in my head.

I am allowed to voice my opinion, as long as i remember other people are too.
I also must mind my own business what people think of me, no matter what.
I am powerless over other people, no matter how well intentioned my intentions are

Today
I am grateful for

• having step 10's
• the people that tell me the ego puncturing truth
• the truth that always sets me free (eventually)
• that everything teaches me (positive & negative)
• that i am still growing
• accepting i am imperfect
• the willingness to listen & take suggestions from those that walked before
• Knowing that i dont have to do tackle my whole lifes problems today
• Knowing that I do not have take on board everyones suggestions
• remembering nowadays, if i do what those who have what i want do, i get what they have
• accepting that i may not have what people want
• Accepting that others walk a different path to me & do stay sober
• that people dont always agree with me
• that i accept that i can be wrong
• accepting that my experience wont help everyone
• accepting that my experience does help some
• for the 1st 100 members telling us Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous
• the the 1st 100 members telling us Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroysmore alcoholics than anything else. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous
• restraint of tongue & pen
• Respecting anothers request to butt out in the future
• Learning from everybody, no matter who they are
• Staying sober today
• Ending the day free of anger & resentment
• Being reminded what a great gift Accepting that I am an alcoholic is
• Staying sober today
• For going to bed free of fear & resentment
• For being a part of something that wants the me to comprehend peace & serenity
• Keeping it in the day

Here we go

Inspired by a few blogs

I am grateful for
Waking up sober today
Waking up without a hangover
Not being irritable when I got jumped on & kicked in the head, by the under5's again, so i was sleeping at 6.30am!!
For answering the phone to someone that relapsed last night
For my head clearing the second i heard what terror sounds like
For doing my lousy best
For seeking help from the big book
For seeking help from my sponsor
For not going swimming with them - cos i didnt want to
For having some quiet time to myself to reflect with no noise
For having my big book to study
For having a meeting to go to tonight nearby
For taking a walk out this afternoon to find out where the meeting tonight was & how lng it would take to walk/bus there
For not asking for a lift, or expecting one
For deciding to go & not making a fuss
For telling them I was going to meeting & not feeling guilty for going out on a saturday night, when i a guest
For putting my recovery first
For the meeting being so loving
For the scared newcomer that came & stayed & listened
For his partner that came & stayed & listened
For the AA & Alanon sharing it was magical
For the love i felt in that room for both of them & for all of us
For having somewhere to go and hear what i need to hear
For letting my family know what time i hoped to be back
For getting back within a minute of that time
For the chinese meal waiting for me when i got in
For not sitting watching a movie that made me uncomfortable
For washing up instead, even though they told me not to
For knowing that I wouldnt do it in the morning, they would
For doing the right thing, not what they suggested
For being safe
For being sober
For meetings having this ability to heal & calm me (spiritual surgery)
For reconnecting with my HP & the human race
For getting out of my head
For kids that love me even when i dont give them what they want
For childrens laughter & giggles
For a cheeky smile
For having a bed to get into now (into a bag & some cushions)
For being grateful
For being a part of

Thank you

Keep it in the day & let go

Ok was jumped on at 6.30am and it didnt stop til they went to bed. My patience lasted, the babysitting went ok. They had a mad 5minuutes of Drama Queen standards, rolling on the floor squealing, but that soon went & the lovely children reappeared.They really did. It was an ok day. . I did pay attention, all day, & was responsible, for that i am grateful.

Its hard getting in that stuckness, wher i know am uncomfortable, but its too much like hard work to do anything about it. I did text some people, read some big book, prayed & did just for today. Guess it was ok really. I bin tired all day, which didnt help. Felt like i was winging it alot, which is not what am used to, and i dont think thats controlfreakness, think its something to do with routine.

Not practiced in being in a family environment ALL day. Its the adults that did my head in more than the kids, taking part with adults on an equal basis. I checked out the meeting tomorrow. I could go if necc.

Played a game of monopoly fr the first time in at least a decade, god it brought my defects out!!! Someone had the millionaires Row of all the dark blues & all the greens with hotels and about cleaned me out on rent, i got so much fear about going round the board again. I sulked, had my head on the table, ate chocolate & didnt restrain my tongue. I was envoius, my greed about bankrupted me. I am so self centred, and my pride told me i was crap. which in this game i was cos i lost all my money and had to sell or remortgage all my property.

The others... well one became a property tycoon with the opposite effect, rubing of hands, arrogant attitude sprung in, greedy etc. And the other two just went quiet & laughed.

Rule #62 Dont take yourself so damn seriously.
Too late...I did

You b+)*&%s, my pride
Didnt go my way, self centredness
Oh god i dont want to land on any property, self centred fear
Bugger, am losing, am so crap, self pity
I want more property, Greed
i hate you, your so lucky, Jealousy
I want hotels like you have, Envy
I want to get out on jail now, impatience
How can you think of putting another house on there!? arrogance
Stop enjoying this, its not pleasnt, intolerance

Well i got the room to myself now, they gone to bed, put away the booze & left me too it. So gonna go and read some more big book, do a bit on step8 as i got some to do, pray & sleep.

Today, have i enjoyed it ? not especially, it had its moments, some lovely moments. it was hard work, especially calling a call centre on someone elses behalf, and listening to automated options and hold messaging for 30minutes. And my envy when they have offer accepted on a house which is like one i always wanted & have looked at many similar with my ex. Suppose am human to feel a little resentful.... but its what i do with the resentment thats important now. But i didnt hate today, I dont regret it, i just didnt know what to do, am learning taking part outside the fellowship, am not practiced.

Especially the staying in and watching TV. I realised how little i do it & how much i am not at home nowadays. And i wouldnt want it any other way. The tv does my head in, they have 100 odd channels as opposed to my 5 at home & still they complain of nothing being on on the tv. 4me, my monies better spent the way I do, in meetings, going for coffee, rather than paying & watching SKY and all its add ons.

There it is, am not chilled, but am not angry, just aiming for some acceptance on the day, looking at my part & having an attempt to leave Friday in Friday, which is gonna happen I feel, the power of getting it out my head & seeing it in print for me is enough. Will pray on it all aswell.

Am seeing the world for what it is, the woman i used to look upto, as a spiritual giant, i now see as human, with the same defects as i, which rear up. Difference is, she got further too fall, she always bin in the position of Knowing better than i. Just at the moment i seeing her as just another human, doing her best, goodly & badly at times, But still doing it anyway. Accepting her imperfect self.

Is it me thats changing or them? am not sure.
They cant all be changing can they ?

Have i any lengthed my programme today ? no
Have i done my best ? yes
Will i do it different tomorrow ? i will try to

Progress not perfection
Keep coming back
Do not be discouraged

Today is a gift

I am off for a long weekend with family, which includes a couple of under fives. Thats the interesting part. This weekend will call for, any lengths.

willlingness, openminded, labor, patience and tolerence, love and service

The train trip up was interesting, the only one in the front carriage freaked me out at first, what if it crashes, i'll dies alone (freaky thought huh) i never even thought about the driver. But then a couple of people got in, with cans of lager & it got interesting. How come guys love to take their shirts off when theyve had a few? I dont understand this phenomena, what happens to them ? Anyway, it was all gonna get distracting, so I put on the MP3, got my big book out & read the upto the middle of the Drs opinion, FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK. It took me ages, as i kept on drifting out of the carriage, but it helped me to re-read it.

My meeting tonight, was ok, gratitude in it alot. Although someone had relapsed after 18months. It seems to me that the three sides to our triangle, Recovery, Service, Unity must to go hand in hand or it dont work.

It really is a selfish programme that we have to give it away to keep it & we have to have something to give & somewhere to give it away to.

In the course of his third treatment he acquired certain ideas concerning a possible means of recovery. As part of his rehabilitation he commenced to present his conception sto other alcoholics, impressing upon them that they mustdo likewise with still others. This has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship of these men and their families.This man and over one hundred others appear to have recovered. Page xxiii Alcoholics Anonymous

Me am away from my home town, away from usual meetings, away from my routine, but this time i have no fear. I am with people who love me, who know i am in recovery & dont mess with it. I am without fear. I will take it a day at a time, hour at a time. Do the next right thing & do it with my HP in the driving seat. The fellowship is up here & cell phones & sms & blogging to keep intouch. Its everywhere & its here with me, I am not alone anymore.

Tonight i was asked to babysit for both their kids tomorrow... today i am responsible, today I am trusted. Today I feel trustworthy. Its a gift.

Gonna sleep now.

Hair cut

I got into work this morning & was asked if i had a heavy night last night.
I am not a morning person (no debates on whether there are morning people please)
I wake up and look like i have been dragged through a hedge backwards, whether i am hungover or not.

Today probably looked a little different cos I had my hair cut last night. That great feat that i endure as in frequent as possible as it means HANDING my hair over to someone else. If its not perfect then a great sulk, pride self centred fear results.

When i said just abit off, thats what she did, but my head went YOU cut it too short.... This time she did. And i told her, and then SHE TOLD ME she hadnt and pulled it down to show me. She was right, it had just sprung up abit thats all. She didnt bar me, or get the speedy razor out and give me a No1 cut for punishment.

Control freak that I am, i spent time after time cutting my hair myself, it was a bonus if it looked ok. At times it was an alternative to when i wanted to cut myself, and had that aaargh feeling. Cutting my hair was an easier softer way, as i could still cut, and not go overboard, and not damage myself. It was a gentle alternative.

Nowadays, i try and do the hair thing at the hair shop. The self harm, ie the scratching or cutting, rarely enters my head nowadays. If it does its fleeting & a result of untreated resentment.

Dare I say it.... I like my hair..... even though it looks abit fluffy at the back, its got a natural curl that i secretly like...shhhh

Anyway today was an ok day, had the attention span of a flea at work though, but still managed to do an ok job today.

I paid attention to a flash meeting we had where they are looking for volunteers to take on extra responsibility later in the year, with no extra pay, good career progression... Sounds ok, but experience here shows me, that i got a good chance of earning a bonus, doing what am doing. extra responsibilities will take me away from what am doing and jepoardise the bonus. (I already been there this year, when i was "asked" to do work on the "top team" which back fired on me, because i couldnt handle the people, personalities etc)

Prestige, position, career progression here is not what am looking for at the moment. Right now am happy with the ordinary, am learning to be consistent in a job i can do, for 7 hours and an hour for lunch, as opposed to hours of projecting and an very little productive working upto about a year ago. Learning to do an honest days work for an honest days pay. Am getting there. Its someone elses turn to take up the gauntlet of extra duties, training people up. Me am into character building at the moment. An i already do an extra duty without pay, so i have no need to feel guilt or fear that am not good enough.

I am enough at the moment.

I do see theres more to come, improvement to be made. Just not all yet.

I sent my Dad a card today for his birthday tomorrow. We get on ok nowadays.

Went for a pizza afterwork with colleagues, saw their neurosis in action, its not just alkies that get self centred fear & pride. Then went to the theatre, and enjoyed it, was MOSTLY fully present, apart from at times, i still crushed. But its was easier. This time instead of obsessing about crush all the way home, i called up some newcomers and asked how they were. The self obsession, needyness and loneliness disapeared. Am ok now, i forgot I even went to theatre, THATS HOW SHORT MY MEMORY CAN BE, or is it that i live in the moment & let go easier nowadays, now that i can pinpoint easier what my defects n difficulties are & dare to focus on the solution quickly. I dunno, but whatever, the uncomfortableness has disappeared.

OMG i now got to pack for a long weekend away with a couple of under fives and some adults.

Tired I be

"Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him.
As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 46~

No limits, you have given me no limits

My own defects & difficulties are what limits me

In AA, with the aid of a Higher Power,
"we began to be possessed of a new sense of power & direction"

probably the shortest blog ever for me not sure what am trying to say, so will shut up

Am knackered & need to sleep, trudged out tonight

Todays gratitude is

that i am not on the emotional rollercoaster of what the fuck am i feeling & its scary, am i the only one that feels like this & whens it gonna end ?

blessed am i

Step8
more to do i find, have forgotten to do employers... buggr (thats a small buggr) not a large Frickin useless piece of shite, for not finishing your step8 blah blah.
Just a gentle... buggr, ok i'll do it

i wanted so badly to not feel like this

I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself, Saw my reflection in a window
I didn't knowmy own face, Oh brother are you gonna leave me, wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone,
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
Atnight I could hear the blood in my veins,Just as black&whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me, It's just you and I my friend
& my clothes dont fit me nomore,I walked a thousand miles,just to slip this skin

The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake, I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother withyour faithless kiss or will we leave eachother alone likethis
On the streets of Philadelphia
Streets of Philadelphia...Bruce Springsteen

I wanted so badly not to feel like that... but I did for years and years and years

TODAY
I feel full with life,
I recognise myself, am getting to know me
am growing to like me
I know more of the time how i feel
you describe me perfectly & thats ok
I no longer feel that i am wasting away,
am hopeful, useful & with purpose
TODAY
I did what i needed to do,
which is also what i wanted to do
went where i needed to go
which is also where i wanted to go
I am didnt feel alone or lonely
TODAY
Angels did greet me
and today i walk amongst them
today i am comfortable in my skin
TODAY
I am growing not fading
i have found a faith that works
you showed how
an am just doing it

Today I am on a spiritual high
Today you didnt need to tell me what i needed to do
Today i intuitively knew how to handle a situation which used to baffle me
I worked with another alcoholic
i did it anyway
I so wanted to maintain this inner peaceful feeling
i forgot that by giving it away we get to keep it
because i was doing it anyway

While this works, i got no reason to stop
while i got nothing else that will duplicate this feeling, i keep on doing it
you have no monopoly on ways to make you feel good
i havent got the money to try it all out yet
i'll keep on listening to you all
let you plant the seeds in me
they will grow in time, in Gods time

am learning for the first time in my how to live within my means
to be self supporting consistently
its hard, impatience, envy, greed are wanting at every corner
patience, willingness & labor (P163 Big Book)
you cant buy this feeling i got washing over me, over and over
its inner peace, its love, its truth, its a priceless gift
A gift of the magical mysterious 12 steps and this fellowship i am a part of

Do what the winners do, you get what they got

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous

i was reading steps8&9 again in Big book, got to the bottom of page 83 & my mind shut down to reading, i couldnt look no further, physically my head wouldnt let me read the promises, my mind wouldnt let me look... i was staring into space for minutes. i heard them in meetings, i read them before, i know some off by heart, but now am THAT close, my head wont let me read them in my own big book. S'weird the power of the mind.

My heads still saying, it'll work for everyone else except for johno. Today I didnt listen or fight with my head.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start fromthat point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!

i will read it at some point. Went to a step2 meeting. Talked for ages at coffee with a 4week sober miracle

some of the promises are coming true for me already. Just because i couldnt read them today, doesnt mean i will be the exception. i am a part of a process far more powerful than my head, I am changing, inspite of myself, my spirit today showed me the truth.

Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. P97 Alcoholics Anonymous

Another good day in paradise, finances, jobs around home, family, meetings and service

A simple plan set up for tomorrow already. Put your recovery first.

Am getting well from the inside out. An it feels good this spiritual surgery.

Peaceful & Happy

Both Gifts from AA on my 2nd Anniversary

I woke up this mornings still not sure which choices to make...
Surely now at 2yrs, i can go and do what normal people do to be happy ?

The voice of truth spoke to me... You arent normal
You suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder,
do what gives you maximum peace of mind & isnt destructive to you or those around you.

Its Saturday... in my experience what gives me the most peace of mind on a Saturday?
A marathon of meetings, talking to newcomers, fellowship, sharing & listening... thats what gave me the most peace of mind on a Saturday...

So i did it again today & more !!

read step 8&9 in big book
9.45 meeting listening
Spot checked some step 10's
ate
bathed
cleaned my teeth
stripped my bed
did some laundry
internet surfed
got on the phone, to another alcoholic, got honest abt my fear abt today
spot checked some step 10's - self pity, self centred fear, arrogance, pride, dishonesty, self centredness, impatience, intolerence
accepted the seriousness of my condition
gave my Sponsor some unsolicited advice (cos i know better...)
got my attempt rejected
Got reminded to Mind My own business AGAIN
spot checked some a step10's - pride, self centredness, arrogance, intolerance
read step8&9 in big book
12noon meeting, listening & shared my gratitude, got a cake & blew a candle out, i didnt know they did cakes there.. a gift
spot checked some step10's - impatience, self centredness, pride, intolerence
2.30 meeting listening
spot checked some step10's - impatience, self centredness, pride, intolerence
shopped for food
spot checked some step 10's - impatience, self centredness
went to the library
internet surfed
got on the phone
ate again
cleaned my bathroom
1/2 washed up
changed my bed
watched 15mins tv
read step8&9 in big book
Starbucks - got assertive (not angry doormat) when he gave me wrong drink
9pm meeting listened
10.30pm meeting listening & shared
spot checked some step10's - intolerence, self centredness, pride, arrogance
meeting after meeting in cafe
Got lift home (thank you god)
just got in 1.30am its tomorrow now...
1.40am Done more laundry
(cos I know i'll be up when its done ... how maneageable is that then!!)
Blogged
Now am gonna make up my bed
Pray with thanks that i got step 10's to show me that i really do not know better.
Am grateful for all of this & that its become effortless
its 2.40am and am still going on :-)

Today I went to meetings, spoke with newcomers, listened to other people when i didnt get into shared, accepted this is exactly how its meant to be, accepted what my sponsor said aswell. Whats become of me ? I did all that in one day

What was it like ?
2 years ago, i was barely getting out of bed on a saturday (barely anything else)
16 months ago, i was getting out of bed on a saturday (+ making A meeting & moaning & Drama Queening alot)

What happened ?
I started doing what my sponsor suggested instead of what i wanted & also started on the steps.

What its like today?
Today I did what I NEEDED to NOT what i wanted to and i got the results i wanted a happy + peaceful heart & mind.

Thank you God & Alcoholics Anonymous

its 4.09am am not tired & God, give me some tiredness quick, i just has a thought of getting the iron out.... help

This too shall pass

I am just where am supposed to be.

Did i expect all my difficulties & defects to disappear, just because I was about to be 2years sober ? well supposed the way I have been feeling the last few months. yes. DUH!!

Get real its quality not quantity, you can still be an ass at 2 or 20 years sober

My blogs, prove how much I need to learn more abt the AA programme.

There are no days off.

How i can always improve on how i do it, theres always an element of self will that needs to be eliminated.

I do suffer from grave emotional & mental disorders.

"Working" with another alcoholic ALWAYS lifts my self obsession.

I need to act abit faster, spare the rest of the world from johno's fear & self pity.

I am grateful for
Remembering my last drunk tonight
Not drinking today
Getting to work
Being honest today
Going to the best meeting i could find tonight
talking with all the newcomers there, even the ones that scared me
keeping it simple
not getting a resentment when I didnt get to share
being nuts with the well people today
letting the well people remind me that it HAS been a good day
turning up
doing my lousy best
finishing my list of all people I have harmed.....
being willing to make amends to them all
accepting that it says am i willing...
admitting to myself that am scared i will be the one that it dont work for
being willing to do it anyway
having a toilet that works
Chester having a great parent
Blue's BB quote for me
peoples comments on my blog over the past few weeks
being part of a fellowship thats given me more than i could ever have dreamed
other peoples patience
Yeh ok for having a sponsor that manages to kicks my ass by saying nothing
having a sponsor that tells me the ego puncturing truth about me
not sulking when i got told my behaviour isnt acceptable
doing what i have been told to do, even though its hard
having people around me that give me what I need, not what i want
me accepting that the above is whats best for me, if i want to grow up
wanting to grow up
seeing how dishonest i have been with my ex partner
seeing how i got no idea how to do people
wanting to get out of my head, end this isolation
not knowing am not out yet, but believing it just might happen...someday
accepting my sink of washing up is is no big deal
being willing to make accept my imperfect self abit
not caring how long this gratitude list is
being grateful for being grateful

You have given me so much, i need to keep coming back to be reminded where i have come from, because I forget quickly.

The only things I know for sure TODAY is that I am an alcoholic & there is a solution which works, when i work it. (and doesnt when I dont)

Great Spirit, its time, am ready to take your hand and walk with you once more, blind faith.

I just remebered the Fork :-)