I am grateful
for being useful today
not doing what others did today
doing what i get paid to do
doing also what i been asked to do
not being a loafer "just because i can get away with it"
doing a days work, instead of fantasising
making another attempt at step4
Just for today & didnt act out when it hurt
Just for today I sat with it and did a bit more
got honest with another human being
being told its ok to be reminded
admitted my feeling vulnerable
seeing its ok to not do it perfect
seeing i need help
seeing thats the whole point
seeing how much I have acted out on my loneliness in the past
having choices today in more and more areas of my life
talking it instead of texting it
"scream in, scream out...time for healing"
(Just the way am feeling - Feeder)
for another sober day in the 4th dimension
and the willingness to get words down on paper
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Step 4
Making an attempt again tonight
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option
I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting
Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine
I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level
so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice
I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that
You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
so...
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do
just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch
and
DONT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD
i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow
yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you
Shut the fuck up
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option
I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting
Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine
I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level
so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice
I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that
You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
so...
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do
just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch
and
DONT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD
i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow
yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you
Shut the fuck up
Sunday, December 25, 2005
One Amazing Day
I am grateful for
Waking up without fear
getting bath n breakfasted
saying my prayers
reading daily reflections
Thy will not mine be done
Leaving the house in plenty of time
dressing becomingly
having my own transport
the roads being clear
the weather being dry
being in the present moment
arriving early
calling my family
sharing the excitement of Father Christmas's visit
friends
being willing
having dressed warm
having a conversstion without discussing recovery
just keeping it very light
trying my best
not giving up, even when i thought i wasnt in the right place
being reminded our post IS important even when it doing appear so
seeing the importance of all parts no matter how small
sulking cos, i wasnt a larger part
thinking about what being a part of means
walking round talking, paying attention
giving it a go
not sitting waiting for it to happen
having a game of table football
losing 11-1 and still smiling
someone shooting up
reminding me how feeling safe is not enough
doing fire duty
feeling like i got nothing in common with these people
feeling like am ready for going home time
continuing doing it anyway just for excersize
something telling me, it doesnt matter about what i think
its none of my business whether i have anything in common
it works because there are "too" many of us
it works because we do it together
it works because we are not all the same
it works because its unpaid
it works because we all want to be there
it works because there are no staff shortages
it works because its LOVE & SERVICE
HALT i am tired, things are becoming strained
Waiting for the debrief, i wanted to cry
i saw someone who was going to a meeting across town
i wanted to go to bed
i wanted to stay for the meeting here
Principles before Personality
AA is not a social group, even on Christmas day
Dont quit, your job is not yet done
I sat in the meeting knowing no-one, feeling tired
its warm, and safe
i drifted off during the chair
and came too
and drifted, wishing i was in bed
a few shared back, still sleepy
then i heard it...
"My names xxx I am an alcoholic
its my 1st day sober... i have been waiting
all day until 5pm for this meeting to start
i want to get sober...."
To share back, in its simplest form
was enough to wake me up
to give me a reason to turn up tomorrow
to show me that even when I (the great me)
has know idea what I have in common with anyone
I dont know what I dont know
God really does move in mysterious ways
There are at least 4 people around tomorrow
inc me who want to stay sober
and theres another meeting tomorrow night
Dont quit before the miracle
The meeting ended magically for me
Lots of love, a few tears of gratitude
Hope followed us out
fellowship remained
Love is in the air
I have come home, had a warm bath
ate some of my favourite things
listened to "My favourite things"
and now I am going to bed
For that I am very grateful
Its all helping me understand this brotherly/sisterly love
this friend amongst friends
worker amongst workers
AA amongst AA''s
its not all about me
but if i can make a difference
with my experience thats a gift
its not my job to fix the world
being part of a process is enough
behind the scenes is important
its also rewarding
lots of parts make a beautiful whole
keep letting go, again and again, and again
Am grateful you gave me a beautiful smile
Which I can give to the world
My Primary purpose is to stay sober
& help other alcoholics acheive sobriety
Thy will not mine be done
let go let god
Another lesson in humility learned today
Thank you for another safe and sober day
Waking up without fear
getting bath n breakfasted
saying my prayers
reading daily reflections
Thy will not mine be done
Leaving the house in plenty of time
dressing becomingly
having my own transport
the roads being clear
the weather being dry
being in the present moment
arriving early
calling my family
sharing the excitement of Father Christmas's visit
friends
being willing
having dressed warm
having a conversstion without discussing recovery
just keeping it very light
trying my best
not giving up, even when i thought i wasnt in the right place
being reminded our post IS important even when it doing appear so
seeing the importance of all parts no matter how small
sulking cos, i wasnt a larger part
thinking about what being a part of means
walking round talking, paying attention
giving it a go
not sitting waiting for it to happen
having a game of table football
losing 11-1 and still smiling
someone shooting up
reminding me how feeling safe is not enough
doing fire duty
feeling like i got nothing in common with these people
feeling like am ready for going home time
continuing doing it anyway just for excersize
something telling me, it doesnt matter about what i think
its none of my business whether i have anything in common
it works because there are "too" many of us
it works because we do it together
it works because we are not all the same
it works because its unpaid
it works because we all want to be there
it works because there are no staff shortages
it works because its LOVE & SERVICE
HALT i am tired, things are becoming strained
Waiting for the debrief, i wanted to cry
i saw someone who was going to a meeting across town
i wanted to go to bed
i wanted to stay for the meeting here
Principles before Personality
AA is not a social group, even on Christmas day
Dont quit, your job is not yet done
I sat in the meeting knowing no-one, feeling tired
its warm, and safe
i drifted off during the chair
and came too
and drifted, wishing i was in bed
a few shared back, still sleepy
then i heard it...
"My names xxx I am an alcoholic
its my 1st day sober... i have been waiting
all day until 5pm for this meeting to start
i want to get sober...."
To share back, in its simplest form
was enough to wake me up
to give me a reason to turn up tomorrow
to show me that even when I (the great me)
has know idea what I have in common with anyone
I dont know what I dont know
God really does move in mysterious ways
There are at least 4 people around tomorrow
inc me who want to stay sober
and theres another meeting tomorrow night
Dont quit before the miracle
The meeting ended magically for me
Lots of love, a few tears of gratitude
Hope followed us out
fellowship remained
Love is in the air
I have come home, had a warm bath
ate some of my favourite things
listened to "My favourite things"
and now I am going to bed
For that I am very grateful
Its all helping me understand this brotherly/sisterly love
this friend amongst friends
worker amongst workers
AA amongst AA''s
its not all about me
but if i can make a difference
with my experience thats a gift
its not my job to fix the world
being part of a process is enough
behind the scenes is important
its also rewarding
lots of parts make a beautiful whole
keep letting go, again and again, and again
Am grateful you gave me a beautiful smile
Which I can give to the world
My Primary purpose is to stay sober
& help other alcoholics acheive sobriety
Thy will not mine be done
let go let god
Another lesson in humility learned today
Thank you for another safe and sober day
Friday, December 23, 2005
Its becoming clear
that I am making progress
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on
put in the action
let go of the outcome
someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!
Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?
whats going on
I am grateful
for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given
Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me
oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,
"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"
Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up
I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home
Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on
put in the action
let go of the outcome
someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!
Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?
whats going on
I am grateful
for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given
Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me
oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,
"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"
Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up
I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home
Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I am grateful for...Accepting I am Lazy!
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and
the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
P58 Alcoholics Anonymous
I am grateful for.....
Finding out & accepting
I AM lazy & selfish re my work punctuality
Monday got up earlier, did the suggestions, still late
but with different attitude
today, got up earlier, and got to work ON TIME
with a different attitude
I choose to get to meetings on time
because i guess it suits me
the people who have what I want turn up early
stay after
I choose to stay in bed longer and get to work late
I choose to lie there with "all the people in my head"
its a choice, my bed time is more important than my employers
its my choice to make the time up, they have no choice
its all going my way, they dont discipline me
Selfish, chronically self centred, lazy.
LAZY!!!! ME THE GREAT ME
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH
yes its true when you put it like that
okay, okay, okay OKAYYYYY
I prayed last night, for my Higher Powers help
on my laziness, envy, selfish, inconsiderateness
and prone to waste money... now I have a little reserve
I prayed for me to live in the solution to these defects
to have loving thoughts, to be useful
to have consideration for other people time
to not waste money
I prayed it all again this morning
something happens when i pray like i mean it
even when its through gritted teeth
even when i stayed in the bath a little to long "with the people in my head"
I got to work on time....NOW THATS A MIRACLE
Am grateful for a sober day
having a sense of humour
for the meeting being fun tonight
for someone making it back after a drink last week
for being trusted
for being honest at work
for practicing To Thine Own self Be true at work
for my appraisal going better than expected
for being honest about my timekeeping
for my employer, overlooking this "difficulty"
(even when i get honest & not improve, they still chose not to discipline me)
(how can that be ????!!!)
for being willing to try and change my lateness
from an entirely different angle
for being willing to change... a day at a time
for finally seeing my lateness finally as part of my acting out
another "old idea" i hadnt be ready or willing to let go of
dishonest behaviour going on since childhood
like the late nights
i dont want to or need to be like this anymore
Progress NOT Perfection
Easy Does it but Do it
Day At A Time
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I am grateful for
Not lying in bed thinking for too long today
Doing some step4
Having a bath
Eating
Doing the stuff I intended to...
Meeting up with someone
Going to the theatre with someone else
Enjoying being in the moment
Sharing stuff
Listening
Having a friend take my inventory
Finding out I am...
LAZY
CHRONICLY SELF CENTRED
SELFISH
My time is far more important than my employers...
(well it must be if I am to be judged upon my actions)
just because I dont turn up on time to work
see that "just because" minimising my behaviour
thats how important it isnt to me
if it was, i wouldnt do it
getting away with it, cos I can
i dont want that, not really
i am waiting to get disciplined
then i can pull out the poor me's
shouldov, i wish i hads...
Frickin ell...
too many similarities for this to be untrue
Now I know the truth...
do I choose to sit in denial & dishonesty
or face up and be willing to change
psssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh
that was the sound of my ego being punctured
honesty
acceptance
openminded
willingness
action
how many people am I gonna talk it through with
before I actually try it
how many years am i gonna live like this
try the suggestions a day at a time, for a couple of weeks
see what happens
I cant, i am on holiday for some of that...
NO EXCUSES
try it anyway
am grateful for
outing my envy
I am no longer alone
experiencing it, without having to isolate
that it didnt drag me down today
having friends who tell me what I need to hear
a sober day in recovery
the truth
the truth, i can deal with
Doing some step4
Having a bath
Eating
Doing the stuff I intended to...
Meeting up with someone
Going to the theatre with someone else
Enjoying being in the moment
Sharing stuff
Listening
Having a friend take my inventory
Finding out I am...
LAZY
CHRONICLY SELF CENTRED
SELFISH
My time is far more important than my employers...
(well it must be if I am to be judged upon my actions)
just because I dont turn up on time to work
see that "just because" minimising my behaviour
thats how important it isnt to me
if it was, i wouldnt do it
getting away with it, cos I can
i dont want that, not really
i am waiting to get disciplined
then i can pull out the poor me's
shouldov, i wish i hads...
Frickin ell...
too many similarities for this to be untrue
Now I know the truth...
do I choose to sit in denial & dishonesty
or face up and be willing to change
psssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh
that was the sound of my ego being punctured
honesty
acceptance
openminded
willingness
action
how many people am I gonna talk it through with
before I actually try it
how many years am i gonna live like this
try the suggestions a day at a time, for a couple of weeks
see what happens
I cant, i am on holiday for some of that...
NO EXCUSES
try it anyway
am grateful for
outing my envy
I am no longer alone
experiencing it, without having to isolate
that it didnt drag me down today
having friends who tell me what I need to hear
a sober day in recovery
the truth
the truth, i can deal with
Friday, December 09, 2005
I landed today - with JEFF
The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. P145 Alcoholics Anonymous
Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously
JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up
I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked
self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts
How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards
Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth
Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process
Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass
Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Boring & Glum??? NO
I am grateful for...
6 fab days in Spain courtesy of A convention
meeting up with some amazing people
having a sun tan in December!!!
praying on the beach
feeling connected with my higher power
on a moonlit beach, waves gently lapping the shore
no fear, alone, me and God
the last time I was there I was drunk
I needed a reason OTHER than hanging around bars to return
i wanted to revisit old friends who own the bars
I met with them, they are still my friends
the number of years I have been absent didnt matter
the people that matter dont mind
they understood (kinda)
You gave me a reason, a purpose
I had so much fun
laughing like kids, with people I hardly knew
Collecting numbers, emails
In a step 1 meeting in another country
sharing with a 17day sober last night
reminded me loads
surreal, its the same message worldwide
I knew that...you told me
but now i experienced it too in yet another country
I done it drunk
Now I done it sober
I got friends in meetings
I got choices today
You given me a life I never had before
My head stayed present 95% of the time
the wave of loneliness, came and went
i let it come and let it go
the big book holds some magic dust
reining my mind back with the tools
For someone who couldnt get out of bed
Couldnt speak to anyone
couldnt utter words of more than 1 syllable
couldnt look you in the eye, incase you spoke to me
was scared of speaking incase... incase
this is how it was for me
this is how it was for a long time drunk and sober
This week...its a miracle
I went alone, with the belief that I wouldnt be alone
For once, my own thinking was to be trusted
this convention was a gift from God
I did Gods will not mine last night
I came back to somewhere I like in Gods time, not mine
Its levelling out
Am becoming someone I like
Am starting to trust people are not humouring me
Am slowing with the thinking its all gonna go pear shaped
Lifes getting interesting
a day at a time
Its getting to be an adventure
Errr, thats not true, am fearing going to work tomorrow
just incase they decided I became indispensible
while i was away
Progress NOT Perfection
Thank you for another sober & safe day
Serenity... I got some
Peace ... I got some of that too
Sanity ... yeh no thinking about drinking
Part of ... this loving fellowship
Living ... yes i am
"God wants me... Happy Joyeous & Free"
Thank you Spain
Walk on water...
I had to come home
I started to believe anythings possible
6 fab days in Spain courtesy of A convention
meeting up with some amazing people
having a sun tan in December!!!
praying on the beach
feeling connected with my higher power
on a moonlit beach, waves gently lapping the shore
no fear, alone, me and God
the last time I was there I was drunk
I needed a reason OTHER than hanging around bars to return
i wanted to revisit old friends who own the bars
I met with them, they are still my friends
the number of years I have been absent didnt matter
the people that matter dont mind
they understood (kinda)
You gave me a reason, a purpose
I had so much fun
laughing like kids, with people I hardly knew
Collecting numbers, emails
In a step 1 meeting in another country
sharing with a 17day sober last night
reminded me loads
surreal, its the same message worldwide
I knew that...you told me
but now i experienced it too in yet another country
I done it drunk
Now I done it sober
I got friends in meetings
I got choices today
You given me a life I never had before
My head stayed present 95% of the time
the wave of loneliness, came and went
i let it come and let it go
the big book holds some magic dust
reining my mind back with the tools
For someone who couldnt get out of bed
Couldnt speak to anyone
couldnt utter words of more than 1 syllable
couldnt look you in the eye, incase you spoke to me
was scared of speaking incase... incase
this is how it was for me
this is how it was for a long time drunk and sober
This week...its a miracle
I went alone, with the belief that I wouldnt be alone
For once, my own thinking was to be trusted
this convention was a gift from God
I did Gods will not mine last night
I came back to somewhere I like in Gods time, not mine
Its levelling out
Am becoming someone I like
Am starting to trust people are not humouring me
Am slowing with the thinking its all gonna go pear shaped
Lifes getting interesting
a day at a time
Its getting to be an adventure
Errr, thats not true, am fearing going to work tomorrow
just incase they decided I became indispensible
while i was away
Progress NOT Perfection
Thank you for another sober & safe day
Serenity... I got some
Peace ... I got some of that too
Sanity ... yeh no thinking about drinking
Part of ... this loving fellowship
Living ... yes i am
"God wants me... Happy Joyeous & Free"
Thank you Spain
Walk on water...
I had to come home
I started to believe anythings possible
Sunday, November 27, 2005
You snooze, you lose
And with us, to drink is to die P66
In the realm of King Alcohol
with people whom know me
but dont themselves share the drink problem
infact we were just having a conversation about
the greater power of my own understanding
waitress took my order "cafe latte"
no alcohol was ordered at our table
Many questions came up about
alcoholism
mental, physical, spiritual
whats an alcoholic etc
all stuff that when i talk abt it,
it reminds me that I am an alcoholic
it reminds me that i am in the fellowship i believe in
it confirms to me that i do have faith in my own experience
and in the experience of others
i took a sip of my coffee....
the strange aroma n taste went up my nose
1st thought
"what the fcuks that ? mmm... no-one will know"
1st action
"taste that will ya, tell me whats in it"
urm its got booze in it
2nd action
pass to the other
nah its just coffee flavour
3rd action
leave it aside, cos I DONT KNOW WHATS IN IT
ITS MY SOBRIETY, MY RESPONSIBILTY
this proves to me
My insanity around alcohol is still there if i take a drink
I dont know if it was coffee flavor or booze,
it is the first drink that does the damage
if I asked enough people, they'll tell me what I wanted to hear
"its just coffee flavour!?"
even waitresses make mistakes
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I didnt listen to my head
I am grateful that I took some action
some responsibility for my own sobriety
Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none P107
How silly would this have been
"I had to finish the latte off its probably really is only flavour,
as I woulnt get a drink for ages if i dont!!!"
but it did cross my mind
(it didnt cross my mind to just order
another coffee or some water either)
insane
Its just further evidence that proves if alcohol
or anything remotely like alcohol is in me
my insanity returns pretty fast
just incase i forgot
theres a drunken fairy
she just sits there waiting patiently
waiting for me to snooze
waiting to help me lose
Thank you God for reminding me
What i needed even when i didnt know I did
Grateful and sober
thank you God
Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book
In the realm of King Alcohol
with people whom know me
but dont themselves share the drink problem
infact we were just having a conversation about
the greater power of my own understanding
waitress took my order "cafe latte"
no alcohol was ordered at our table
Many questions came up about
alcoholism
mental, physical, spiritual
whats an alcoholic etc
all stuff that when i talk abt it,
it reminds me that I am an alcoholic
it reminds me that i am in the fellowship i believe in
it confirms to me that i do have faith in my own experience
and in the experience of others
i took a sip of my coffee....
the strange aroma n taste went up my nose
1st thought
"what the fcuks that ? mmm... no-one will know"
1st action
"taste that will ya, tell me whats in it"
urm its got booze in it
2nd action
pass to the other
nah its just coffee flavour
3rd action
leave it aside, cos I DONT KNOW WHATS IN IT
ITS MY SOBRIETY, MY RESPONSIBILTY
this proves to me
My insanity around alcohol is still there if i take a drink
I dont know if it was coffee flavor or booze,
it is the first drink that does the damage
if I asked enough people, they'll tell me what I wanted to hear
"its just coffee flavour!?"
even waitresses make mistakes
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I didnt listen to my head
I am grateful that I took some action
some responsibility for my own sobriety
Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none P107
How silly would this have been
"I had to finish the latte off its probably really is only flavour,
as I woulnt get a drink for ages if i dont!!!"
but it did cross my mind
(it didnt cross my mind to just order
another coffee or some water either)
insane
Its just further evidence that proves if alcohol
or anything remotely like alcohol is in me
my insanity returns pretty fast
just incase i forgot
theres a drunken fairy
she just sits there waiting patiently
waiting for me to snooze
waiting to help me lose
Thank you God for reminding me
What i needed even when i didnt know I did
Grateful and sober
thank you God
Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book
Thursday, November 24, 2005
I am grateful for
for window of opportunities
for having the courage to try them
for wanting growth
for belonging to a fellowship
so much being on offer
I am in such a good space
seeing the whole world of opportunities are out there
all i got to do is the next right thing
turn up
trust my HP
trying it
pass stuff on
give unconditionally
Let Go
Let go
Keep letting go
Doing
not thinking
laughing lots
acceptance
no resistance
least expectation
honesty
willingness
openmindedness
am on a pink cloud
lots goin on n am doing
the more i do, the more creative I become
the more creative i become
the more opportunities come up
the more i give, the more i get back
unreal BUT VERY REAL
Unity Service Recovery
Thank you God
a beautiful day
Lesson 1
learn to give unconditionally (yeh i progressing ok on this one)
Lesson 2
learn how to receive (theres an art to this)
I guess if my unconditional giving
has a condition which disallows me to receive,
then am not really giving unconditionally am i???
having said that.... the futures bright...
for having the courage to try them
for wanting growth
for belonging to a fellowship
so much being on offer
I am in such a good space
seeing the whole world of opportunities are out there
all i got to do is the next right thing
turn up
trust my HP
trying it
pass stuff on
give unconditionally
Let Go
Let go
Keep letting go
Doing
not thinking
laughing lots
acceptance
no resistance
least expectation
honesty
willingness
openmindedness
am on a pink cloud
lots goin on n am doing
the more i do, the more creative I become
the more creative i become
the more opportunities come up
the more i give, the more i get back
unreal BUT VERY REAL
Unity Service Recovery
Thank you God
a beautiful day
Lesson 1
learn to give unconditionally (yeh i progressing ok on this one)
Lesson 2
learn how to receive (theres an art to this)
I guess if my unconditional giving
has a condition which disallows me to receive,
then am not really giving unconditionally am i???
having said that.... the futures bright...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Growing outwards
It feels to me that I am not backing away from contact with others
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too
no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway
I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity
I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
balance
it is an art, its all art
The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go
I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life
And I am liking it
We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed. P25
stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
blogged
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves. P84
Look at the evidence
Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
unclean
malnourished
lonely
exhausted
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow
AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works P28
The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed
tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools
Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous
the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...
one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful
All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous
Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too
no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway
I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity
I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
balance
it is an art, its all art
The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go
I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life
And I am liking it
We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed. P25
stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
blogged
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves. P84
Look at the evidence
Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
unclean
malnourished
lonely
exhausted
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow
AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works P28
The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed
tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools
Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous
the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...
one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful
All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous
Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
First things First
Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous
It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking
Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Change or die
Justfukindoit
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous
It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking
Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Change or die
Justfukindoit
Monday, November 14, 2005
An eskimo spoke & triggered my defects
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! P101
I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long
Luckily
sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass
Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101
The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me
I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me
still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway
I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles
the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on
just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way
Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! P101
I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long
Luckily
sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass
Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101
The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me
I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me
still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway
I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles
the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on
just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way
Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Fear is not a problem today
But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. P17 Alcoholics Anonymous
I just got reminded, it still amazes me
I never felt this til i walked thru the doors this time
Since then its been there, but the other side of a barrier (fear)
I feel it now, today, fellowship
I feel it, more and more
I feel able to let myself be part of
Even when my head tells me am not
I am part of
I am no longer alone
How did it happen
God knows
I just do whats suggested
(most of the time)
Its just come back at me
Just for today
Fear is not a problem
I am at peace inside
Keep turning up
Taking the odd risk - not life threatening, just emotional ones
Growth is only possible if i take a bit of a risk
Step4 revisited is not perfect
Am just doing it anyway
am grateful for opportunities
am grateful that am willing
am grateful that am able
am grateful to be teacheable
am grateful you teach me
thank you
I just got reminded, it still amazes me
I never felt this til i walked thru the doors this time
Since then its been there, but the other side of a barrier (fear)
I feel it now, today, fellowship
I feel it, more and more
I feel able to let myself be part of
Even when my head tells me am not
I am part of
I am no longer alone
How did it happen
God knows
I just do whats suggested
(most of the time)
Its just come back at me
Just for today
Fear is not a problem
I am at peace inside
Keep turning up
Taking the odd risk - not life threatening, just emotional ones
Growth is only possible if i take a bit of a risk
Step4 revisited is not perfect
Am just doing it anyway
am grateful for opportunities
am grateful that am willing
am grateful that am able
am grateful to be teacheable
am grateful you teach me
thank you
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I am grateful
for today being a better day than yesterday
for taking my bike for its MOT
For it failing... finally this "faulty part" will get fixed
for them finally accepting there is something wrong with it
For being able to afford to fix it
For them being able to fix it faster than i thought they would
For taking a long walk to a new meeting
for accepting am definitly in step4 crazy head
for remembering my experience of my head last time
for not fearing that madness returning
for doing some step4 tonight
for seeing how destructive my thinking can be
for having a solution
for having a programme
for not having to do this alone
for the sun shining
for the sky being blue
for taking a walk along the beach
for feeling happy
for feeling at peace
for being sober
for having faith in a God who loves me
for not expecting too much of myself today
for being safe & warm
for my world opening up a little more
for God giving me a little more, to handle
for me noticing how life has just switched up a gear
for me remembering i only have to do today
for an attempt at not tackling my whole lifes problems today
for an attempt at doing something for excersize i didnt want to do
for an attempt at adjusting myself to what is
for letting today stay simple
thank you for giving me a solution & a purpose
I just noticed I put whole lifes problems....
well today i didnt have a problem
the problems i was thinking of are not problems
they are good things which have come my way
as a result of this fellowship
what i perceived as a problem, is not a problem, issues maybe...all solvable
all of my own making, making in that i said yes, i'll give it a try
so thats good stuff thats in the making
frinstance...would you call booking a flight to get to a convention
A PROBLEM... ??? no a high class issue
this is what happens when you start getting a life
crawling out from under the duvet & staying out
Get real Johno,
just for today
the only problem is me & my perception
oh yeh and being a Drama Queen
for taking my bike for its MOT
For it failing... finally this "faulty part" will get fixed
for them finally accepting there is something wrong with it
For being able to afford to fix it
For them being able to fix it faster than i thought they would
For taking a long walk to a new meeting
for accepting am definitly in step4 crazy head
for remembering my experience of my head last time
for not fearing that madness returning
for doing some step4 tonight
for seeing how destructive my thinking can be
for having a solution
for having a programme
for not having to do this alone
for the sun shining
for the sky being blue
for taking a walk along the beach
for feeling happy
for feeling at peace
for being sober
for having faith in a God who loves me
for not expecting too much of myself today
for being safe & warm
for my world opening up a little more
for God giving me a little more, to handle
for me noticing how life has just switched up a gear
for me remembering i only have to do today
for an attempt at not tackling my whole lifes problems today
for an attempt at doing something for excersize i didnt want to do
for an attempt at adjusting myself to what is
for letting today stay simple
thank you for giving me a solution & a purpose
I just noticed I put whole lifes problems....
well today i didnt have a problem
the problems i was thinking of are not problems
they are good things which have come my way
as a result of this fellowship
what i perceived as a problem, is not a problem, issues maybe...all solvable
all of my own making, making in that i said yes, i'll give it a try
so thats good stuff thats in the making
frinstance...would you call booking a flight to get to a convention
A PROBLEM... ??? no a high class issue
this is what happens when you start getting a life
crawling out from under the duvet & staying out
Get real Johno,
just for today
the only problem is me & my perception
oh yeh and being a Drama Queen
I was a scoffer, i remained to pray, it works
When a person offended we said to ourselves,
"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick
people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being
helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least
God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant
view of each and every one. P67
Todays the 14th day of me praying for the two people
and the company I work for,
14 days ago the anger was so bad
i was angry & couldnt lift it I had become obsessive,
self seeking, destructive inwardly & outwardly in this area
Misery though optional, i took it again
without realising it, i was in it
I was squandering hours P66 obsessing about their defects
resentment was destroying this alcoholic
I needed help, i couldnt lift this alone, i had to call in the big guns
Praying works, by tuesday this week, my anger & resentment had gone
they became just a couple of colleagues, nothing special
(i had changed, they hadnt)
my company became an ok company to work for again
(i had changed, it hadnt)
i became a little lighter
i fitted myself in again
less of the self seeking
more being of service
Altered my Attitude
then yesterday, i opened my mouth and retaliated with someone else
here we go again, self seeking
thats it johno... another 14 days praying
i didnt need telling, i just did it anyway
why wouldnt I?....it works
Though I refused & scoffed & feared taking this action before
When the student is ready the teacher appears... i heard you
I am glad i got willing and did it
its another tool i was given quite a while ago
that I never picked up & tried, not really... half heartedly, here and there
Half measures availed us nothing P59
and have just learned how to use
tonight i passed it on
its all such a gift
am grateful
I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through,
and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.
William D. Silkworth, M.D Pxxx
Thankyou Dr Silkworth
All page references "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous
My prayers tonight include a friend who travelling to a part of the world thats
troubled by terrorism this week. Please keep her safe... until we meet again
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Honesty, willingness, openminded
it works,
i really believe it works
I know it works
I have experienced it working
it works for me
when i work it
didnt get up
did think about it
did get up
did get back in bed
did think again
fear, uselessness, self pity
all bound & gagging me
did get up
prayed
left house
step10'd what just happened
Looked at my thinking during the previous hour
I really dont think much of myself
this came as a shock
I have been learning more tolerence of myself
but i thought i was learning to love myself
this morning showed me some truth
from the moment i wake up until I leave the house
i wake up alone, in fear, feeling worthless
this is how i feel most mornings
rarely do i wake up full of joys
even when am at my most joyeous
i really have to work very hard in the mornings
to kick the straight jacket off
to remember i have alcoholism
to take part in
to remember i am part of
to remember what to do
to remember not to think
I battle with my head every morning
fuckit who gives a shit if i dont turn up for work
fuck it turn over
fuck it just turn up late
fuckit leave it til the last minute
fuckit dont have breakfast
fuckit dont dress becomingly
and for years and years i have been getting away with it
I wake up full of the misery of the ISM
am not sure i want to anymore
is this the next thing God?
is this the next thing i DONT believe you can help me with
am not sure am ready... (still clinging on to the duvet)
thats me again, am not ready to do it (i like isolating & feeling like shit)
incase i cant maintain it (thats what grown ups do)
thats me again... (iiiiiii alone looking at my own miserable past performance)
get with it, this is about God, not me alone anymore
its obviously i cant do this alone, or i would have aready duh
i need a frickin Power Greater than Myself
If you can sort my morning unmanagability out
then that would be a frickin miracle
never underestimate the power of God & prayer
I thought letting go of attachments was the biggest
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
I thought i letting go of money & power
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
i thought i would not be able to let go of this anger
you sorted that one - i had/have to pray for it
Bleeding hell
too much evidence in the last month or two
Prayer & doing Gods will, well my lousy best
I bought donuts at work today
gave them first to the guy I have been praying about
he wanted to know what it was for
I just felt like it,
something came over me today
Altered Attitude
Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
P13 Alcoholics Anonymous
am grateful, thanks Bill W
i really believe it works
I know it works
I have experienced it working
it works for me
when i work it
didnt get up
did think about it
did get up
did get back in bed
did think again
fear, uselessness, self pity
all bound & gagging me
did get up
prayed
left house
step10'd what just happened
Looked at my thinking during the previous hour
I really dont think much of myself
this came as a shock
I have been learning more tolerence of myself
but i thought i was learning to love myself
this morning showed me some truth
from the moment i wake up until I leave the house
i wake up alone, in fear, feeling worthless
this is how i feel most mornings
rarely do i wake up full of joys
even when am at my most joyeous
i really have to work very hard in the mornings
to kick the straight jacket off
to remember i have alcoholism
to take part in
to remember i am part of
to remember what to do
to remember not to think
I battle with my head every morning
fuckit who gives a shit if i dont turn up for work
fuck it turn over
fuck it just turn up late
fuckit leave it til the last minute
fuckit dont have breakfast
fuckit dont dress becomingly
and for years and years i have been getting away with it
I wake up full of the misery of the ISM
am not sure i want to anymore
is this the next thing God?
is this the next thing i DONT believe you can help me with
am not sure am ready... (still clinging on to the duvet)
thats me again, am not ready to do it (i like isolating & feeling like shit)
incase i cant maintain it (thats what grown ups do)
thats me again... (iiiiiii alone looking at my own miserable past performance)
get with it, this is about God, not me alone anymore
its obviously i cant do this alone, or i would have aready duh
i need a frickin Power Greater than Myself
If you can sort my morning unmanagability out
then that would be a frickin miracle
never underestimate the power of God & prayer
I thought letting go of attachments was the biggest
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
I thought i letting go of money & power
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
i thought i would not be able to let go of this anger
you sorted that one - i had/have to pray for it
Bleeding hell
too much evidence in the last month or two
Prayer & doing Gods will, well my lousy best
I bought donuts at work today
gave them first to the guy I have been praying about
he wanted to know what it was for
I just felt like it,
something came over me today
Altered Attitude
Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
P13 Alcoholics Anonymous
am grateful, thanks Bill W
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
ISM.... I Sabotage Myself
didnt hear the alarm
didnt get up when i heard it
did listen to my head
didnt eat
didnt get to the garage
didnt get to work on time
didnt get a lunch time
didnt finish my work
didnt get to the meeting on time
did pray for a sober day
did pray for the people i was angry at
did get enough work done
did keep my mind with my body most of the day
did get someone elses done aswell
did get to meeting
did get voted in for a commitment
did fing out about a convention in Europe coming up
did notice this same location has come up in
several very different conversations over the last 2 weeks...
did have a laugh at meeting
did stay for food
did meet a newcomer
did pray for a safe ride home & have defects removed along the way
did get home safe
did call up my sponsor
did get honest about my fear & unmamageability in the mornings
did take on a suggestion
did express gratitude for being asked to secretary another mtng
did get honest about my doubts
did wonder together if I may be taking on too
many commitments around the fellowship
did agree to pray on it
did talk to a friend & listened to her gratitude
did stay sober
will pray before bed
will write a simple plan for the morning
will try
I am grateful for all the dids
I am grateful that my unmanageablility didnt destroy today
I am grateful for accepting another imperfect day
If I was drinking
ALL the stuff i DID would not be there
I am blessed to be part of... something greater than me
I am grateful that there is a solution
didnt get up when i heard it
did listen to my head
didnt eat
didnt get to the garage
didnt get to work on time
didnt get a lunch time
didnt finish my work
didnt get to the meeting on time
did pray for a sober day
did pray for the people i was angry at
did get enough work done
did keep my mind with my body most of the day
did get someone elses done aswell
did get to meeting
did get voted in for a commitment
did fing out about a convention in Europe coming up
did notice this same location has come up in
several very different conversations over the last 2 weeks...
did have a laugh at meeting
did stay for food
did meet a newcomer
did pray for a safe ride home & have defects removed along the way
did get home safe
did call up my sponsor
did get honest about my fear & unmamageability in the mornings
did take on a suggestion
did express gratitude for being asked to secretary another mtng
did get honest about my doubts
did wonder together if I may be taking on too
many commitments around the fellowship
did agree to pray on it
did talk to a friend & listened to her gratitude
did stay sober
will pray before bed
will write a simple plan for the morning
will try
I am grateful for all the dids
I am grateful that my unmanageablility didnt destroy today
I am grateful for accepting another imperfect day
If I was drinking
ALL the stuff i DID would not be there
I am blessed to be part of... something greater than me
I am grateful that there is a solution
Victim v Volunteer
Yes it seems I was useful today
If i believe what my boss says
I am so quick to take a "look" as negative
But when an email comes, thanking me for my help today
My natural reaction is to dismiss it as
"what that fuck do you thanking me for? I was gonna do it anyway"
If I do something in a victim like way
I want praise & sulk when i dont get it
When I volunteer without expecting anything in return
I get praised & have to work at accepting it
Next I'll be sabotaging
Bugger!! the thoughts there already
have to work on not acting out on that then
restraint of tongue & pen & keyboard
God help me please
If i believe what my boss says
I am so quick to take a "look" as negative
But when an email comes, thanking me for my help today
My natural reaction is to dismiss it as
"what that fuck do you thanking me for? I was gonna do it anyway"
If I do something in a victim like way
I want praise & sulk when i dont get it
When I volunteer without expecting anything in return
I get praised & have to work at accepting it
Next I'll be sabotaging
Bugger!! the thoughts there already
have to work on not acting out on that then
restraint of tongue & pen & keyboard
God help me please
Sunday, November 06, 2005
And with us, to drink is to die.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic,whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. P66 Alcoholics Anonymous
I just been released with instructions on how to revisit of step4.
Arrived back home at 11.30 am wet and cold and went to bed & slept
Am not a saint
It has to be everyday
Or i wont do it
Its a daily programme
It fits with what i did before
But not the same
I just got to do it
Anylengths
Keep on Keeping on
Went out for a meal last night, 40th bthday (not mine)
I stayed present mind body and spirit for 95%
was almost real... almost
god i am never satisfied unless its perfect
such a control freak
the meal was cool
I was manageable
Still practicing on the eating out
Am grateful
for the invite & experience
for doing it sober
for getting out on the bike
for a straight piece of road to check out the top speed
(its not that fast, just fast enough)
Step4
having a solution to deal with resentment
being willing
the power of prayer
for the belief in Higher Power
having a sense of humour
am feeling step4ish
thats all
I just been released with instructions on how to revisit of step4.
Arrived back home at 11.30 am wet and cold and went to bed & slept
Am not a saint
It has to be everyday
Or i wont do it
Its a daily programme
It fits with what i did before
But not the same
I just got to do it
Anylengths
Keep on Keeping on
Went out for a meal last night, 40th bthday (not mine)
I stayed present mind body and spirit for 95%
was almost real... almost
god i am never satisfied unless its perfect
such a control freak
the meal was cool
I was manageable
Still practicing on the eating out
Am grateful
for the invite & experience
for doing it sober
for getting out on the bike
for a straight piece of road to check out the top speed
(its not that fast, just fast enough)
Step4
having a solution to deal with resentment
being willing
the power of prayer
for the belief in Higher Power
having a sense of humour
am feeling step4ish
thats all
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