Pre mental Tension - Caught me unawares!!

I am not going to apologise for the
content of this post, its all about me
and myself and how I am physically

Am completely Powerless over when....
1 week early!?
no am not worried
I diarise, I prepare, get "fit" in all areas
watch for the symptoms
This one completely came from no where
A curve ball
So Friday evenings behaviour is not so random now
its bleedin obvious
(sorry no pun intended it just happened)

One day a month
I am better of selotaping my mouth shut
where possible staying away staying in bed
as this is not possible
and I choose no longer to duvet dive
and bunk off work
as I am not ill (hmmm)

I have to excersize extreme restraint of tongue
pen and email and blo...
i was gonna add blog, but then why do i need to
I blog for me
Its my thinking, my processing, my tool
where my thinking was going, didnt concern me Friday
I knew I would take inventory pretty quick
and get to the root and deal with it
(and I did Saturday Morning,
and promptly admitted my wrong)
My thinking interested me more than anything
How the mood changed
Anger, resentment, sulking
Why it had got like that
Now its obvious

Though you know
because I now know to stay honest
because I now do not destroy the innocent
because I do show my "ugly" true self
at people who are strong enough, strong AA and God
There arent many who take my inventory
But I am grateful for it
Even if I dont like it immediately
Its what I need
funnily my sponsee almost did the other day

PMT doesnt change anything
I said about myself on Friday
I had reverted to a control freak
and I didnt know what to do
Its true I am new at sponsoring
I am not new at working with newcomers
They are both different
I was trying to control this "cat"
Trying to make it go may way
Cos my way was "the only" way
It was subtle, but there even so
Cunning

I do trust my intuition
I do trust Prayer
I do trust God
I do trust my own experience
I do trust the experience of others
I do not do everything I am told
I do take suggestions
I do try things
Not always immediately
Nothing goes to waste
If its not relevant today
It maybe tomorrow or next year
Shove it in the library

Am grateful for Sponsors and everyone elses
suggestions and especially grateful
to anyone who take my inventory
it must be needed
whether I choose to take notice
is my business

Its a reminder
that no one has all the answers
its like a jigsaw
between us we get there

Spent a couple of hours yesterday
in prayer and inventory
It so helps me get clarity on everything
So did tradition 6... but thats another post

God always seems to have a way of sorting things out
when I let him,
I did what was suggested.... nothing else

And once again God did for me what I couldnt
do for myself

Sponsee told me she wasnt willing
to put recovery first at the mo and would call
me when she is...

There are no coincidences

Ok am off now
Another conversation with God

Thank you for all your Birthday Wishes
I had the most awesome 36hours
Loads of posts and pictures
just stuff that came up
things that interest me
like a Ninja Duck in St James Park
I took a video of this Duck going to anylengths...
serious dudes!! I dunno how to post a video
will take a year for me to download it off the camera

To finish off where I started
(oh God theres another one!?)
dressed very becomingly for
Ronnie Scotts
heels and yeh ok a dress aswell (shhh)
I hate to admit it... very classy bird i was...
Excellent Original Blues Brothers band
"From off the original movie!!" its true
I am so damn lucky

how come I had been home only a few hours after a long day
and night, I got in a 3am ish and had only been
home a few hours when it happened ?
If it happened a few hours earlier
It would have been well messy

There really are no coincidence
God looks after mee in so many ways

Baa

Here Comes The Sun

Today I am 40 years old

yeh
took inventory
phoned and made an apology to my sponsor
for arguing, talking over and not listening to her
done my prayers
and a gratitude list

First Things First

Done all that before opening cards and presents
if it wasnt for programme, God, AA and Sponsorship
and all you fellow bloggers!!
I may not have made it to 40!!

Full on day and night
am gonna enjoy every God given minute

Happy Sunny Saturday all

Sponsor and inventory says... am Self will run riot, but I dont really think so

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.
They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme
example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. P62


Just for today on the outside its all going
absolutely fabulous
on the inside .....Inspite of feeling really grateful
and willing and loving AA and everything

I walked round with this very thin suit of armour
and I didnt really know I had it on... until an hour ago

I want it all to go my way
I want perfection
I know best
I know how it all should be done
I am setting up rules
I am comparing

I forgot I am working with sick people (like me)
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these
disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. P67

I forgot I am not working with mindless robots
I didnt realise peoples how different we behave
I forgot peoples sobriety doesnt depend on me

Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not
stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon
other people ahead of dependence on God. P98

I forgot other people are very different to me
I forgot I dont have all the answers
I forgot people have the freedom to chose
I forgot I am not always right
I forgot how fearbased my actions were
I forgot how afraid of calling my Sponsor/s I am/was/can be
I forgot how scary embarking on the steps is
I forgot what unmanagable I was
I forgot how much my thoughts ruled my actions
I forgot how confused I was
I forgot how it is to be new
I forgot where I came from

Its not enough to be grateful and pass it on
Its about walking in someone elses shoes

I forgot, just exactly how unmanageable and out of control
I actually was
Will I ever actually know
I dont think so
What I think I was like as a newcomer
Is not how it actually was
I forget

I was
Unmamangeable
Flakey
Scared
Crippled by fear and self pity
Very willing
very unteacheable
very willing
very unteacheable
like a time bomb
could have gone off at anytime
High maintenence
Will ring you
Leave me alone, but dont leave me

Welcome to the world of Sponsorship Johno
Sponsees are not clones dude

I am grateful to be asked to be a sponsor
I now need a clone
I cant Sponsor everyone

I wannit, I dont wannit

Sponsor said
Sounds like your need to cut her some slack
Sounds like self will....
Johno said....I dont think your understanding what am saying
God said... Shut up and listen and you'll hear she does !!

I just reverted into a control freak
Impatient, intolerent, self righteous
judgemental

But to look and hear me you would have no idea
Gods own Angel, with a sulk on

Thank God I tried to speak with my Sponsor
The real me appeared in 5minutes
Cut through that thin but strong layer Self Will
It dont take long to build up
Even when I dont think am making much sense
Even when she dont appear to get me
She is
Its me thats not listening

I look at the differences in Sponsors
Me Myself and I
I am quick to THINK am not understood
I am quick to THINK she has got NO IDEA
I am quick to THINK i know best
I am quick to THINK I am sure
Naturally Of course I THINK i need to find a new sponsor
see how my problem is in my head ?

Wheres the good news in this post ?
Good news is
I have only sulked for an hour and a half
in which time I took the train journey home and wrote this post
I see how all this is really Just for today
I see how quickly I forget how bad actually it was
on a day to day basis as a newcomer
I see how judgemental and impatient I have been this week
I see how quickly I can become unteacheable
I see how my thinking COULD lead to....
destruction of personal relations, isolation
I see how destructive self will & arrogance
self centredness & intolerence can be
If not outwardly, inwardly to me
I see how my first thoughts cannot always be trusted
I must pay attention tho

I must pray more
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. P62

Ok enough, am not going to sit and edit
this is me today, imperfect

Friday night is here again
Heres the T-shirt
None for sale



am off to bed. at 6.30am Saturday 4th of August
I will have been breathing for 40 years
Grateful or what
4 years ago, I didnt think I would make it to 40
now am gonna experience every second this weekend
in a 4th dimension that I could only have dreamed


Yeh I feel somewhat disgruntled that this eve
Realised I could do better

We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. P66

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. P66

I come to a grinding halt
But then THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER!!
its true I am a thing and I will try to do better

Going to bed for the last time aged 39........zzzzzzzz

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63

humbly Yours

Johno

Programmed to Serve, something about magical fairy dust that makes me want to blog

The friday night cafe
the waiting staff wear t-shirts with writing
on the back "programmed to serve"
this makes me laugh and I want one

I used to think that being programmed to serve

would mean losing my independence
becomin a robot
mindless
I can never be me again
my own thoughts all removed
my life would never be mine again

Some of this has happened "as the result of these steps"
Is this a bad thing ? NO
Is this a good thing ? YES

Am I programmed to serve ? YES
Serve who ? God as I understand Him, the Spirit of the Universe,
One that has all Power, Mother Nature, The Rhythm of Life,
My Creator, Higher Power, Love, The Universal Truth,
The Great Fact within me, Whatever it is that keeps you sober,
Thingy, The Boss, Him Upstairs, That Power my Sponsors believe
in, The Wind of Change, The Force, Father of Light,
A Loving God... To me, All of these are the same different names,
A Power greater than me, when I plug in, really want to serve
remarkable things happen

Am I a robot ? Nope I have the FREEDOM to TURN away or TURN towards
this programme, these principles every hour, everyday
Today I "made a decision to TURN my will and my life
over to the care of God as I understand him"
Now I have seen what the "magical AA golden fairy dust" can do
I want more, and guess what there is an unlimited pot LIMITLESS
THAT MEANS GET MINING AND FILL YOUR POCKETS, GO SPRINKLE

Have I lost my mind ? Yes, I was losing my mind from
an early age, I came into AA in a hopeless state
suffering from a grave emotional and mental disorder P58
... mindless circling, round and round, madness...insanity
Out of control...

Now I seem to be of sane mind around most things,
I am not on any mind bending substance, uppers, downers
anything. Most people have no idea I was out ov control

I can never be me again... I was sick and tired of being me
Now I am not, I like being me, I interested in me,
its all about me, but I dont need to psycho analyse
I am a human, with human stuff just like all youse

my own thoughts all removed...
nope, sadly I have some very
imperfect and unspritual thoughts OFTEN
Thank God the Thought Police seem to be elsewhere
Thank God, I dont act on my warped heads ideas
I am not responsible for my thinking
I am responsible for my actions
Inventory, willingness to change, accept Spiritual Help
Take action
Somehow I know what to do thesedays, I love being this way
all of me, its interesting to see whats gonna come up next
Fear is not a problem, faith wins over, blind faith
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves P83

Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. P569 Spiritual Experience

my life would never be mine again... my life is infinitely
better nowadays, I couldnt have imagined ever having it THIS good
We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. P25

The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God´s universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. p25

He (you and me) is not so unbalanced as they might think. Many of us have experienced dad’s (our) elation. We have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of

Father (you and me) feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product. P128 & P129

We HAVE to GIVE it away to keep it.

Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. P164

Can you feel it ?.... Can you Feel it?.... CAN YOU FEEL IT?
AM SO GRATEFUL TONIGHT I COULD SLAP MYSELF

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. P85

See am programmed to serve and I love it
Why wouldnt I ?

Johno your one of Gods miracles go spread the Good News
It happened again tonight God, could see it in her eyes through her tears
She got hope, just for a few moments, You did that again
You the Great you... God
No Johno, We did it, you work with Me remember
You make my work easier, when you willing and open

To those who's life is unmanageable... There is a solution
keep coming back

God how was it that you got me down the gym 2-3 times a week
most weeks and I beg my PT for a new programme ?? How the hell
did you do that ?

God How was it you did that thing that I have now gotten to
work ontime now for quite a few weeks ?? not days, this is weeks ??
I havent ever done this, even when I had to clock in and out!!!

No dont tell me, am liking your suprises

:) 4 more sleeps.... :)

Page Refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition

In Gods Time not Mine, and I am enough today

When ever I get impatient
or have an attack of Spiritual pride
(I should be better than I am)

I have to remember
I am enough today

All progress made is
In Gods Time not mine

I try to push it forward
and it seems hard or grindy

I put in the footwork
remain willing
and it happens
Naturally

God always does for me
what I can never
do for myself

Today
even though I have shortcomings
I am short of the full ticket
I am enough

Gods doing a really Good job on me
When I let him
Its true

At One with the Water

Today I stood by the River Thames
for a few minutes
and watched the water
watched the current
listened to the waves on the shore
listened to the water

Focussed on the water
just the water
every other thing noise and movement
seemed to blurr and fade out

Like on a close up photo
the foreground in focus
the rest and behind abit blurry

It was like heightened awareness
sharpening my senses
i could hear the water
thats all
I could smell it
like the seaside
I could see it

just for a little while
I was One with the water
It was a physical thing
Just for a little while

I could feel warmth from the sun
Then I walked to up get some food
And back to work

I love working next to the River Thames
I love sitting watching the sea aswell
I love that I can go from my desk
to the Thames path in less than 5 minutes
and its relatively private at lunch time
surprisingly undisturbed

Am lucky

Prayed again for the ALL the Old Timers today
They are sick friends - like me
flawed - just like me

Short sentences v long and waffley (old behaviour)

To those who commented on my style of writing

Its Another miracle
really as the result of the steps,
Sponsorship
Accepting the ego puncturing truth
staying honest
being willing to change
Giving time time
and continuing to work at it

I used to waffle on soooo much
to my Sponsor by email and SMS,
I ended up being a complete pest
most of what I wrote was just self analysis
vague woolley theories about STUFF
I could never get to the point
I was too scared to even try and say what
exactly I might be trying to say
so I would theorise
and hope somewhere in the 500-1000 words
she would get the gist
and send me back in two short sentence
the answer to ALL my problems

She suggested I write short sentences
To the point
I tried to really hard
over a period of months
But couldnt MANAGE too

So I had to stop emailing
and other written communication
As it wasnt helpful to my recovery
and a was a huge take up of her time

The last few years
I made a deal with my Sponsor
that I wouldnt email or SMS her
its self will and fear based activity
When I do, she reminds me
that she doesnt Sponsor by email or SMS
in which case I shuffle my feet
squirm and pick up the phone

Blogging was a good suggestion made to me
As it helped me to get STUFF out
and it gave/gives me time to
process it while I write

I also blogged my gratitude lists
So again the short sentences

So thats where it started
And now I tend to talk in short
to the point sentences aswell
MOST OF THE TIME

I can go off on one at times
like the Best of us
but mostly I get sick of hearing my own
voice fairly quickly

Some of it is pride to
talking out loud
giving my opinion (to non AA's)
is something I am learning
Am actually starting to have an opinion
on things, which is progress
so getting it past my teeth
or passed the keyboard
again is progress

I like my short sentences too
Some people call it poetry
Sometimes I wonder whether
Am being "groomed" by God to write songs
to go with my guitar lessons
I have no idea really

All I know is once I was waffley and unclear
And became a pest
Now I keep it simple
And I seem to be more clear
Selfishly
This is just what feels comfortable too me
Its an unexpected bonus you'se like it too

Am I a budding song writer ?
A poet that doesnt know it ?
I dunno
Until I do, I'll just keep on
As I am
Just an alcoholic
Trying to be on maximum helpfulness
One days At A time
Grateful for Sponsors
They are the ones that tell me the truth
I need to hear

Grateful to be sober
Grateful to be WILLING
Grateful willing to put in the ACTION
and to give time time

Nearly two years ago
I couldnt write in this style
Now I can
Its the only way I know
I have tried going back... and cant!!

Another example of
"God doing for me what I couldnt do for myself"
I have changed because I wanted to
I didnt want to stay the way I was
In any area of my life

little by little
EASY DOES - BUT DO IT

Trust God
Trust the process
Any Lengths
Action
Let Go

Now am waffling HAHA

Glad you like it :)

Good night

Restraint of Tongue and pen

Over a period of months
I am
watching
listening
seeing
someone

In the grip
Drinking themselves ? to death

This weekend
They cannot remember
what went on
what they did
how they got the cuts on their hands

Today
they are unable to do their job
not unlike many days
This person says
I feel like S**t
I cant concentrate
I need to stop doing this
Its just a phase
I think i'll try and stay sober on my birthday
I think I need to check in with the Priory
I think I need to go home and do some exersize at home
I think i'll go for a run
I have lots to do today and need to focus
I havent got a lot done, I want to go home
I shouldnt be spending so long on facebook
I cant leave it alone
I spent so much money
I dont have enough money
I am skint
I bought this on the internet
I need to book my next holiday
Am only going out for one
I only had one
I cant phone this client they may know I had one vodka

I used to comment, join in the laughter at times
until I realised
this is no ordinary drinker

the last month or so
I make no comments
I just listen carefully and look into their eyes
and turn back to my work
and leave them be

their comments have gone from
raucous high pitched joviality about the exploits
to a quiet comment
quiet comment

My job is to be of maximum helpfulness
I am here to do my job and serve You
have you put me with this person for a reason?
Is this you ? God
God. If it is you
Show me what I need to do for this person
just give me Your words
until You do,
I will not comment
on this persons alcohol consumption
or their behaviour
I will stay quiet
Listen
Watch
and get on with my job
Staying silent is hard discipline

The AA programme is for people who want it

Ps God
thank you for putting another Sponsee
I will meet up with her tomorrow
Go through the basics
and see what happens
She's had a week now to change her mind
She just told me again,
she wants it
she wants to get well
She will do anything
I am willing to run with that
I have prayed on it
discussed it with my Sponsor
She shared her experience and then
She leaves it with me...and God
A day at a time

See how it goes,
thanks tho
I am grateful I have what someone wants
Its a gift i have been given, a present to pass on
Any lengths, I am willing
And soooo grateful for what I have been given

Gossip Kills

I fell into the trap of taking inventory and commenting
on a recovering alcoholic who is in the news
on my blog this week
And now I dont feel good

I took his inventory
I took the Steps inventory
I took ALL old timers inventory
I became disillusioned
and suddenly became afraid of long term sobriety
what has it really got to offer ?
does his recent actions mean the steps dont work
Does something happpen and it all changes
What happens to old timers?
Oh My God

Well I have to be honest

I cant be the only one who has ever thought it
And as I have thought it before and I will think it again
GOD help me

The fact is
I dont know if he did the steps
I dont know if he did it thoroughly
I dont know if he continues, improves and passes it on
I dont know if he comes to AA
I dont even know him

So I need to Mind My Own Business
This programme is working for me
When I work it
I need to get on with my own recovery
and get off my self righteous hilltop
stop being arrogant
and leave the poor B*s*t*rd alone
in fact leave everybody alone

God knows will I ever get to long term sobriety ?
I have no idea
Well then... get on with today
and Shut up!

my teeth hurt (am gritting them)
God Bless you all, and I wish you all well

F**kit

I said Shut up
End of!!

Everybody's normal until you get to know them

We are not saints. P60

Its true
Everyone has issues, flaws, problems, difficulties

Some just live live with them
Some get help to overcome them

Some of them are destructive to other
Some are destructive to self

Some are a problem/difficulty for you and not to me
Some are a problem/difficulty for me and not for you

Having just caught the end of a TV programme, where
a woman just killed herself cos when she was found
out for mental and physical cruelty to her future step
son. Again, its mental illness, no one listened,
no one knew what she went through, so she just
believed what she was doing was ok, and so the cycle of abuse
contiunues... until someone says no and stands by it

To find out that anything I have done for a long period of time
is actually not helping me, and or the people around my
is not something that pleases me, however nowadays I welcome
the truth, its a chance to change for the better.

As in a previous post, I do not understrand the mind of a
child abuser, because I am not one, nor a psychopath!!
and I am grateful for that.

But I do understand a little of the closed mindedness that leads
to destructive behaviour. If we dont want to change we will not.
Even if its illegal or destructive, at the point of finding
out what we do is detructive, is the point where we have to make a
choice, either
SURRENDER and Go to any lengths to recover
or
Go on to the bitter end, thinking only of our very selfish selfs
and not changing, in fact in many cases worsening.

The Big Book talks about this choice P24/P25
One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58
This is Self will, arrogance...closed minded, unteacheable

The fact that my life was so unmanageable and not getting any better
was as the result of my drinking and my refusal to accept any help for anything.
Its true, I didnt really make any SERIOUS attempts to change
because I arrogantly (closed mindedly) thought i was ? ok, well as ok as I could be, you know, i was like how I was cos of my ? childhood. I didnt know that there was any other way, I didnt know I didnt have to be "ucked up and I didnt know anyone who had been abused and seemed to live a normal life. I mean who talks about child abuse outside of self help groups, samaritans and Kilroy, and Oprah ?? you dont get many well people talking about how they overcome it and live a normal life...do you ?

Yes I found both in AA
I found women who had abuse similar to mine
an they had overcome their difficulties
they did not shut the door on it
they had archived it approriately
dealt and dealing with it
and brought it out to show me and evidence
AA works on anything
I got hope and willingness to accept Spriritual help
just maybe this could work for me

Step1, Child abuse affects my life
Step2, Yes I came to believe the steps, and AA
could "just maybe" restore me to some sanity
or at least make it a little better" on this area
of my life
Step3, Leave it in Gods hands and Gods Time
Just for today I will not tackle all my life problems
Just do today, today
Step4, All the resentments, fears, the truth (as I saw it)
Step5, We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle P66
Step6, Yes am very ready to let go of my old ideas, try and not alow the old ideas and thinking hold me back...well at least try, let Go
Have some compassion for that little girl I was, If a little girl
came up and told me what had happened to her, would I be as hard on her
as I had been to myslef all these years? No.
Well then, have some compassion. DO IT.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick P66
Pray for the B**t*rds!!

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67

Step7, God could and would help me to overcome this stuff
So I asked him, in prayer, to take care of me, change me

Step 8, he was on my list, but was taken off, I hadnt harmed him
the others, not on my list, they disappeared in Step4/Step10

Step 9, not applicable. big Book doesnt suggest we make amends to ourselves

Step 10, This I need to do again this week
I need to contimue to take inventory on it, the fact I have been posting
on this and thinking about it, shows me I need to at least be willing
to sit and take inventory, its come up and I feel uncomfortable
blogging about it, dont know why, am just doing it anyway.

Step11, Will continue to pray on this, I trust God will take care of me
I will continue to seek through prayer and meditation to seek Gods Will for me

Step 12, having had a Spiritual Awakening on this area of my life, I can tell you
I am no longer a victim of child abuse, I survived it, and now I am living each day. I am under no illusion my past may affect future relationships, and will
continue to be honest open minded and willing to address it as it comes up.
To sit theorising in a counselling session seems a little SELF WILLED. I do not need to know why I am like I am or how it may affect me/the other person TODAY.

Honesty, willingness, openmindness, Humility
Keys to freedom

Note to self... take inventory on this TODAY
Stop thinking about it and just do it

The fact that I am a recovering alcoholic
or recovered alcoholic
or just an alcoholic
Is no excuse for continuing any behaviour which
is destructive to self or others
It doesnt explain my actions
nor does it excuse it
TODAY I AM RESPONSIBLE

ok I need a bath

Prison Service

Today I went to Brixton prison
2nd time to do a chair

I wasnt sure if prison service is for me yet
I decided to give it one more go
AA would not send a woman in a mens prison
if it didnt think it was safe
Tried and tested
And God would take care of me

God did it again
All the wings had been moved around
The set up was different
the meeting was more like a AA meeting outside
I felt safe, more able to be myself

It really shows me that
Alcohol affects all people regardless of
nationality, skin colour, sex, town
Also it is possible to make live this
programme within the walls of prison

there was a guy there today, he has at least another
two years to go inside
he sponsors people, and he said someone had asked him
to sponsor him only today, and he would need to ask his sponsor
this is so wonderful how it works

Am grateful for praying this week for my fear to be removed
Am gratful I turned up and carried the message
Am grateful to have this on my doorstep
Am grateful to have something to give
Even if it if just hope, there is a solution

Note to self...
Standing in the prison looking up
there is the netting just above my head
to stop things getting chucked down
the cells are all above
constant dull roar of chatter
shouting and the odd yell
constant movement
prisoners moving up and down the hall
not paying attention to me, just doing their thing
queuing to bring their linen
smoking
huddles down the hall
leaning over the balcony
something going on everywhere
Lots of men, who looked like boys
Britains misunderstood
Britains forgotten
Britains no idea what to do with?
Silent homeless
Some unteachable
Some looking for something
I was not afraid
At this moment I was in prison
I was locked in this place
I didnt know when they would escort us out
We needed someone with a key
For a moment I felt Powerless
I just was
Almost invisible
No one paid attention to the 3 of us
outside of the meeting I was no-one
So I just stood and waited to be escorted
out through locked gates, locked doors
through the courtyard
the razorwire
in the sunshine
to the outside
picked up my mobile phone
and walked outside to freedom

Another note to self
The constant noise and activity
coming at my ears and eyes
from every direction in that hall
it reminded me of my workplace
I work in an openplan office
somedays I am surrounded by
noise, telephones, chatter
its the same effect on my senses
fascinating and humbling at the same time

next ones September....

defect driven action - Stop it

Stopping the cycle of destruction

Why are we having this conversation?
I dunno, you started it

Do you accept what happened this week ?
What do you mean ?

Are you sorry ?
That implies I did something wrong

Do you think you did?
No

Society does
I know, but what i did, was not wrong

You think am sick right ?
yes, I know you are

Whats sick mean ?
Sick, flawed, imperfect, very human, like me

I am like you? Am I not bad then?
bad ?

what you are referring to?
socially unacceptable behaviour

What do you mean ?
Blank stare
Socially unacceptable what...illegal?

No not really, both ok about it
No one got hurt
So whats the problem?

the court doesnt see it like that
ok so in your opinion no one got hurt
yes
and the other person
they are not hurt
are you sure ?
yes no scars
are you sure?
no violence
are you sure ?
what do you mean

What I mean is, we often have no idea of the effect
they would tell me right if it wasnt right?
No

Well then how am i supposed to know if they dont tell me?
Ok this is how it is

There are a few suggestions to follow
a few are traditionally followed in the UK
these were implemented years ago
so if you want to live in the UK
please follow these
they fit with many groups on society
they help us all to hang together

Ok, so if I set my behaviour along with this
What I did was not socially acceptable
Yes

So what now?
If your will is not in line with Gods
then stop doing it
But no-one was hurt
yes they are Stop doing it

I dont want to explain anymore tonight
All I know is

Eventually God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
When we act out on defects of character
We end up miserable FACT
its not always apparant that its misery
as misery can become a way of life
narrow minded, self centred,

What happened this week was that someone had been behaving
in a socially unacceptable manner
believing that his actions were justified
completely acting in selfish, self seeking, arrogant
Closed minded, control freakish, self centred, self willed
Was brought before UK justice

Closed minded, unteachable, unwilling to change
on this area of his life believing that it was ok

His thought of others was DRIVEN BY SELF SEEKING MOTIVE

he is not willing to give up, change, abstain from
behaving in this manner

God will remove the problem/defects from us if we want it
If we dont want it, we must be removed from the situation
to protect ourselves and others until we do or can,
this is my experience with some of my dificulties

In the end Gods takes care of us
Some die, some get removed from society, incarcerated

I dunno where am going with this one, I dont very often sit
and form opinions on things, perhaps i need too.

I have given up trying to understand the closed mind
of the psychopaths, paedophiles and serial killers of this world
Not because I cant be bothered,

NOW I understand, that I do not understand them because I
am not one!! So I stop judging and trying to change them
they do not want to be changed because they do not see that
they need to. Change is for people who want it.

Incarceration will not make people change
It does however give people a chance to change and be changed
Its just another solution which works for some and not for others
There is no solution which works for everyone
We have found one which works for us
total abstinence, from the object of our obsessive thinking

For alcohol, we suggest total abstinence
some of us stop with the help of AA and the rooms
Some need to rehab, to be taken out of daily life, no distractions
Some get help other ways and
Some cannot do either and eventually die

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.P58

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.P83

This is a statement, not an option.

the end

Page refs big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Some junk mail I recvd this week

The Benefits of White Wine!
Brewers Association of Great Britain

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better
and more confident about yourself and your actions.

White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost
immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine!

WARNING

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who
are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister and can even result in incarceration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a Wally. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex -
without spitting! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked!

People are kind and me i made progress

Its lovely when clients appreciate
what we do and send us presents
Today, we got a case of really expensive
Italian wine
Boss asked me how many I wanted
"I'll take 3 please"

Its bizarre how I can do this nowadays
Its not long ago infact its aboout 6 months ago
that I would have said no
or said yes and left it under the table at work
in fact I did that about 3-4 months ago
and not had any alcohol in the house
because it would shout at me or I would be scared

at the moment it seems to be ok
when if/it isnt i'll do something about it
Its not for me, I am under no illusion TODAY
and I plan to give some of it away
like when I go see people for dinner etc

Anyway nice to be appreciated sometimes

God and the first 100 AA members popped in today for
an update and gently but firmly asked....
"So the promises came true for you the Johno ?" Yeh I guess
"So have finally you stopped fighting anything and everyone?" umm yes
"So have you been placed in a position
of neutrality then around alcohol?" er yes seems so
"And your sane right ?" well i dunno on that one,
around booze, yeh seems it most of the time
"But your seldom interested in liquor?" you bet!!
"If tempted, Do you recoil from it as from a hot flame?" absolutely
"So you react sanely and normally, and it seems to have happened automatically?" yeh most of the time
"Hows that happened then?" I dunno, it just did the steps, came after Step 9
just like you said it would

"Thats right Johno...That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. its all there page P85" "You are just like us, not special or different see?"

you (the Great you) you are so right,
and I dont see my progress,

Thank for popping in Dudes!!
"Glad to see it still works Johno (When you work it),
now dont rest on your laurels mind, or there will be trouble"

ok

I dont understand how they do it

For my work, I often collate health information
which need to be accurate
as possible
So its interesting sometimes when I get to the drink and drugs
part of the form

No client is present when I get the form
I just send the info down the line
Today there was one form for a man and wife,
on it was

Do you drink alcohol ? yes
On average how many units per week ?
(one unit is a small glass of wine, i/2 pint of beer
or a spirit measure)
He drank on average 2 units a week
She drank 1 unit on average per week

? I dont understand this ?
Why would anyone drink 1 measure a week
whats the point ?
or even two ?
or even 3 ?
and how do you do it?
week in week out ?
"uckers!!

Today I got stuck on this question
and it took about 15 minutes for me to move on
to the next it didnt matter, no one was there

No I didnt ring them up to ask them "Are they sure?"

I am reminded on at least a weekly basis
that the amount I drank per week was far above average
and I do not understand how people can
just have a couple A WEEK
beats me!!

Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people.

All these, and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. xxviii THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
Page ref Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Step 2

Step2
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity

When I came to Step 2
I really had trouble that I could be
restored to anything remotely resembling sane
or well adjusted, or normal, or better, or well
And this Power/God thing
I have no faith in any God
The God and religeos people I know
I definitely dont want to be like them
I had a huge roadblock of Predjudice
and I dont know how to get connected anyway
and i dont think I want to
am not worthy and I am scared of what normal
well adjusted is, I have never been it
not sure I will be able to cope with normal
even if i get it
so i'll have to stay as I am (GULP)

My Sponsor suggested to me to
"Trust the process" (the steps)
How could I trust it? I cant tust anything
I dont know how to trust
anyway the obsession to drinks lifted
But I got all these other problems
perhaps am not really an alky
perhaps I need to be somewhere else
for all these other problems
one toe edging towards the door
the others nailed to the floor
I needed to to find openmindedness
I did trust someone... My Sponsor
She had faith and I trusted her
It was enough to start with

It was suggested to me to"Take a look around AA"
"Listen out for others"
"Were there any others who also had had
similar problems to me?

After more and more meetings
going for coffee, listening loads
I had to say yes
"And what did they do to overcome these
other problems ?"I could see they had done/were doing the steps
"Does it say anywhere in the literature
that it will work for them and not for you?
No, But...
"Well then... trust the process"
How longs it gonna take ?
"It doesnt say how or when this sanity gets restored"
er ok

So I came to believe "Just maybe" this COULD work for me too
Step 2 doesnt promise anything to us
It asks us to believe in a power Greater than ourselves
At this Stage for me it was the Steps
The evidence in the rooms
LIVING PROOF that these 12 steps works on everything

There are people I considered
More mental, less mental than me
craved more for drink, craved less than me
it works for all
WHO AM I TO SAY IT WONT WORK FOR ME ?
I had to surrender
become Openminded

I could see from my drinking history
and how I tried to manage alcohol and life
and it was definitely not normal
insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting a different result
I definitely did alot of that!!
And as for all my other problems

Quite as important was the discovery that
spiritual principles would solve all my problems P42
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
ok

Before a meeting someone said
*Surrender to Win*

So the journey was
It wasnt gonna work for me
I did it anyway - anylengths
I was wrong
I am glad

Ps I am now normal HA HA NOT
I am now Extra-Ordinary!!
and I like it that way
who wants to be normal anyway?

Back to basics

Its clear from the last 7 days
that I needed to up my meetings
at the moment

when it was just me
going through steps
doing suggestions
it all became effortless
for a while after Step 9
the pink cloud
then the sponsee
all progressing
Gods in charge
I dont know
Only have my experience
and what I have observed in others
No big deal really
Am just landing off my cloud

Whats happening is
God seems to be enough
Sponsee is using fellowship
and other outside help for
a really important area of her life
which is really a blessing for me
because I have NO experience in that area
Am grateful to have that and to be able to
gently firmly push her in that direction
encouraging its not a weakness to accept outside help
the skill is to find out who is the Best
and build that relationship, make use of them!!
especially when they are free
and they seem to really help when she asks the right questions

So Everythings going well
I got what I wanted and needed
Hole in soul filled
Am now learning how to maintain and improve
No longer the 'ucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional
So whats happening is
after all that exertion
that feeling that I needed help, someone to be there
now its not the case
no longer needing Sponsor to be there
(it feels unfamiliar but ok at the same time)
yet I hear other people post Step9 always on the phone
to their sponsors about their sponsees
i dunno, maybe I just got lucky with this one
or did i just listen well?
I dunno
am just grateful

Its all going ok BUT

I needed get over myself
what was fine and dandy for me
ie. 2-3 meetings a week & other service
is not enough (at the moment)
for me with a sponsee
and I need to continue to talk to new people
Sponsees are a gift, not my right
They are not my HP

I trust that just like everythinge else
If I keep on
back to basics
this Sponsoring stuff will all become
effortless or something like that at somepoint
aslong as i keep practicing

It does get lonely though
now am not getting the attention!!
I just have to accept am part of a fellowship
No better or worse
No lesser or greater
All part of the Growing up process
in becoming responsible

And acceptance is the answer...
Everythings exactly as its meant to be
Trust the Process
It Works if I work it
It dont if I dont

God I have faith
God I have doubts
God am just gonna get on and do it anyway
I trust in you absolutely

Grateful to be sober and part of

Facebook.com

Some guitar buddies suggested I join it
So I have joined it
Set up a page as me
Thats me my passport me

Its kinda like blogging the first time
writing stuff
putting myself out there
all my likes
me myself and I
and not knowing whats gonna happen next

Its interesting how my head goes
First thought is they'll know who/what I am
Self centered to the extreme
Really who gives a damn?
tell the truth

Just like blogging
you can put as much or as little on it as i like
Then there are networks
others with same interests
people just hook up for a chat
theres a main page where people can instantly see me
God help me

Its the real thing
It can be used for friendship to dating
just putting self out there for me
see what happens

Had an interesting chat with a guy last night
When he messaged me
Firstly it took 10mins for me to work out how to reply
then we had a bit of a chat
I know what he looks like now
and bizarre, he was sitting in the same part of london
as me, less than 1km away

more importantly for me
progressing into the outside world
its clear on my profile i want friendship (thats all)
building friendships is plenty enough
to be going on with for me
progress is
having a conversation with a guy
without flirting
without giving everything about me away
without lying
without hanging onto his everyword
without feeling desperate
me saying Goodnight first
Without guilt
Without obsessive thinking about tomorrow
Without a fear that he may not get in touch again
with a feeling that it would be ok if he did
its all progress

Hounds of Love

This version i really like

I never knew what was good for me
Am so glad I listened to you (the great you)

enjoy