The day after - racing round the edge of the hole in the sand

I felt a huge wave of loss
stuff like
babies
pregnancy
mum (mine)
intimacy
what is it
what isnt it
why
why not
relationship
fiction and real
and blurred edges
why
why not
Hows it all feel?

Cried myself to sleep
hasnt happened for a while
need to happen
it happened

Conversation with God
is like loooking into the eyes
of an owl 12 inches away
I cant lie to it
it looks right into my soul
and knows whats going on
it dont say a word
it doesnt need to
even when I dont or wont look
It has a way of loosening the denial
even when I dont know there is any
then its my job to do some work



She held her own an awesome prescence!!

Contemplation .... Meditation ..... Improve conscious contact Step 11

As i sit for almost an hour
In contemplation meditation
Thoughts come and go
Maybe i should changes to
Do i need to do this God?
A real dialogue takes place
And although this evening
I dont get much back
I feel a real sense
Of knowing that
Being willing to make time
Real quiet time
Me a candle and the Spirit of the Universe
No external distractions
I get a answer to my Forheadache
Dehydrated?
I drink water
The headache goes
I hear so much going round
In my head yet
Nothing much to go on paper
Which leads me to ask
Is this exactly how its meant to be?
Is that why i am not
Feeling, selfish, dishonest, fearful?
My weakness's are apparant
As are my strengths
My friends know my weaknesses
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
My friends know my strengths
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
Its lovely really that 
I can be extremely
Vulnerable and strong
And each person is the same
Equal, not above or below
Equal, not powerful or weaker
Learning to remain equal
Yet also have my weaknessss
And strengths on show
At the same time
Yet different strenths and weakness
in diffent areas Of my life!!
Good grief!!! Raw.. Roar!!

Although i pray and listen
Through the day
I havent sat quietly purposefully
and had A conversation with God
Hand in hand with the Spirit of the universe
For so long
Just me and Him
There's no wrestling tonight God
Although it would be nice if 
You said something...!!

"i did Johno, i have been responding
Yet its been so long since you
Sat like this and chatted with me
that you have
Begun to think 
these are all your
Own Thoughts
thoughts from
The centre of yourself
Self centred ;-D"

God you are such a comedian
Sometimes, i forget
I nearly wrote them words again..

"well write them Johno... Because
Its true... "

Yeh God, i need to do this more!!
How often must you hear those words
In all contexts, not just prayer
People, experience growth, love
Something that needs doing more
And we know it...? You know it!!

"yes Johno, but this conversation
Is not about other people
This is about you and me isnt it?"

Yeh it is, so i come out of this
Without clear direction of
What needs changing
Or what am doing wrong..

"well do you think today
There is something more important
I have in mind for you? Else
Why did you start writing?"

Mmm capture some gratitude
I can worry about the fact
I have nothing to worry about
And i can analyse until
Blood comes out of a stone..

"johno, now that i would like to see ;-)"

:-D

I am grateful for...
Warmth
Nice carpet to sit on
Cumfy cushions
Candlelight
Silence
Quiet neighboirs
My cat
My Devon friends
My church family
My AA friends
My own family
Health, physical health
Making a call to my gran
Keeping it simple while she is grieving
Asking for prayers for my uncle
Asking for prayers for my dad
Asking for prayers for my 2nd cousin
For the job which pays my bills
For the job which provides more than bills
For enjoying work today!
For my car
For not having to stand in the cold
For a warm train
For ipod
For podcasts to listen to when i have tired eyes
For my sight
For my hearing
Being able to love
Being able to feel love
For opportunity
For doors that close

For the gift of singing
For the gift of songwriting
For the gift of music
For words that come together
For meaningful sentences
For not understanding why people die
Of cancer Yet not blaming You
For a reminder that i do not know
When my expiry date is
For a comfy bed
For a softening heart
For a soul that i can hear these days
For a soul i am beginning to take care of
For a soul that takes care of me

For being sober and ! Sane :-D
For a sense of humour
For experiencing Grace
For acknowledging Grace
For feeling humble and grateful
For not knowing what i did to deserve all this and feeling blessed
For everyone who had a hand in me being here today
For insights my own and others
For experiences good and challenging
For not regretting the past no more
For understanding my loneliness
For loving my weaknesses 
For Mumford & Sons my latest inspirational music!!
For being taught by the most ramdom people
For receiving and passing on...
For being selfless and selfish
For being faithful and fearful
For being loving and kind aswell as ego filled
For feeling glad to have written this down
For a Spirit that lives in me and connects me with others so easily thesedays
Thank you :-)

"nice"

Yeh you are

":-)"

X

"XX"

xxx

":-D xxxx come back soon and sit awhile
Johno, we should do this more"

:-)

Ps you know this hole dug in sand
That i am running round the edge of
Which feels like the edge could give way of
Any minute?

"yes"

How do i not fall in?

"stop running so close to the edge? And why you are running round and round it so close to the edge, like some nutter?"

Because i like it...

"hmm sober and ! sane u said Johno... thank God i am here! Oh... I am God! Ah well, keep coming back Johno... Love ya"

Love u too God :-) am glad i can come back to you and u keep it simple for me, no religeon, no nothing, just u n me

"i know what u need when u need it Johno" enough now... Now  go and pray for those who need prayers this evening, because you can

ok, and i notice how thick the snow is falling now and 2 hours went by !!!

Road gets narrower

Self restraint
Angry
Why me?

My choice
Path i choose
Whatever path

Self restraint
Or not

Either has
Challenges
Joys
Neither perfect

Grass will always appear greener
At somepoint on the path
Whichever path i take
No way is perfect
No way is easy

Which way will bring
The greater good
Do the most service

Am i being a victim
Am i a volunteer
Am i a martyr
Am i being natural

All questions
Which are comming up
As i take the spiritual path
Which appears to be Gods will
And experience a strong sense
Of justified selfcentred wanting
Opportunity given....

They say the closer you get to God
The louder the devil shouts...

Well he is cunning baffling and powerful
He knows my weaknesses

Grrr !!

Do i bypass and return directly God who has all power?

i dont want to not feel like this
I want to feel what i feel
I dont want to lie
I want to be free
I dont want a rule or vow
Suppress my feeling
If i choose to adopt a vow
I must adapt my actions
Yet i do not want to not feel

I want to be able to love
Whomever
Whenever if ever
Yet i do not want to lie
To my church my god
My fellows
I want to live in the truth

I want to accept the consequences
I want to be responsible
I want honesty
No fear or guilt
If it closes doors
Then i have faith
Others will open

My relationship with Jesus
Needs to be honest
He may not agree
I may not be accepted in heaven
Yet it doesnt stop me
Loving and working for him
It doesnt stop me from
Or does it?
Is it right to worship
A side of god who is not
Fully accepting of who i am?

Yet id give up the material
Do it for you
Yet for so long i have no physical
And i am at a point where
I would accept either
Yet would you accept me
In every way?

Head v Heart ..... Truth v lies .....The internal battle

I captured my feelings
last night after singing class
I feel no joy during it
just a chore
emotionless, 
almost concrete inside...  
yet the resuts are evident... 
Singing lessons are working... 
Trust the process, 
keep turning up, 
give everything u got
dont compare and 
just keep on. 
I will not quit singing 
wind beneath my wings
even by the end of singing classes 
i havent broken through
High notes
i'll keep going til i have!!

These feelings are not 
new to me, the come up 
over and over
yet difference today is 
I carry on regardless 
of how loud they shout or 
how hard they crush me inside
 I refuse to stick label after label 
on human mental conditions
This too shall pass!! 

Also making friends
Being vulnerable
Writing songs that are personal
Putting them out there
Feeling raw
Feeling a sense of responsibility
Sharing this stuff
With none aa's
Other poets, songwriters
Musicians
Friends
Finding others in recovery
Or on the spiritual path
Doing it, yet not in AA
Others walking the walk
Without a programe
Yet with a faith
And with issues
Vulnerability and strength
Brilliant...
Finding friends who appreciate it
And dont run
Yet use it to move forward
Themselves
And me...
Together
Awesome stuff
Humbling

So heres how i felt after
Singing class... My head drama

Feeling low
Feeling exhausted by the battle
The fight within
That goes on between my 
head and heart
Fighting i feel blocked
Blocked just above my heart
Which stops me going
Higher past a certain level
My voice is not free
The air channel is not free
Resistance
Like cant get past
Breathe breathe
For so long listening to lies
If it dont shift now
I am afraid it'll always be there
Dont wanna waste no more time
So much more to do

She gives me suggestions
I cannot give eye contact
Emotionless
Such a Chore
Feeling nothing except some 
Strange anger
Rebellion
Like some child
I am listening
Yet cant / wont do as am told
Disappointed by this inner rebellion
Yet when i do
I sing loud and clear..
We heard it
I am paying for these classes
I am loving singing
Yet during class
Its like i feel childlike

Yet i want to run
I want to cry
Want to Leave the room
I want to stop
Yet to do so would
Be giving into the darkness
And the lies and misery it brings
Leaving me stuck in stuckness
Wondering whens it gonna end

Tonight i discussed with teacher
Past i have been always 
in the background
This is all new 
this foreground stuff
And i am terrified
Time is running out
Right now i feel very lonely
I feel at a point of where
The corners meet 
And i have to make a choice
A leap of faith
Bash through this
With yoga breath
Deep breathing from the core
I always wanted to breathe
Mine has for too many years been
Very shallow
Fear and anxious breathing
Silent
Yet i see feel and hear
The benefits of deep breathing
From my core
It drives it all
Cuts through the fear and anxiety

To run would be an insult 
to all this grace... 
Amazing grace i have been given...

Whatever happens
dont panic
Dont do it alone
Go to anylengtha
keep breathing 
keep turning up
dont quit before the miracle
Feeling grateful
Inspite of sadness
And joy

Make space for Grace

I find Written Step10's 
show my willingness 
to be still and accept who is God
and spend quality time unloading 
so the sunlight can flood in

Spending time Writing 
takes effort and humility
Spot checks are essential 
and do very real good
However i can twist and
Choose to be selective

writing is what brings about real relation with HP/universe/heart/god
which in turn brings about
very real change
I find

my will in line with Gods
in Gods time
He is very patient
Thankfully 

Step 10's
Help me see the truth
Save me my job
Give me better perspective
See my defects
Help me grow
Help me change

Help me move on
Help me let go
Help me see what i am doing
Help me see what i am not doing

Look at things from an other angle
See that i can always do better

See deeper insights
Leave space for grace

Thank God for Step 10

Amazed before we are half way through...

I cant believe whats going on
with and for me at the moment

Things had started a stirring in me
before I went to Greece
and I did a workshop
on singing
a cappella

and now
I cant stop singing
and am having lessons
trying out choirs
created a youtube
having fun...

And also
some very old scars
are beginning to heal
its almost like
finding my singing voice
and singing my heart out
is healing me of things
which have remained silent
and stifled for so long

I have had rather intensly honest
discussions with my sponsor
and with God
and its all healing

Step 5 is only the beginning
I even had an intensly honest
conversation with my manager
regarding a work point
which again I have been unable
to shift out of a habit
which others seem to find easy
God seems to do what I cannot do for myself

It seems he performs
spiritual surgery
exactly when he wants
and I am going through some
amazing changes
inside and outside of me

just applied for a new position at work
the only one who doesnt think I'll get it
is me? I dont know if I want it?
because I dont really know what it entails
yet everyone else seems to think I am doing most
of it allready... bizarre

Anyway
see what happens

That Greek island
does amazing things to me
thats twice now

open mind
open heart
willingness
to let Gods extraordinary Power
flood in

Amazing Love
Amazing Grace

:)

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Step 1... Deep shame.. There is a solution

S'funny how i remember
From early meetings
Just get it past your teeth
I find it so hard to
Get words past my teeth
And words off the ends of my fingers
Through a keyboard

I feel shame
I feel deep shame
And its sad because
I didn't really know this
Until just recently
Why not?
Because i haven't looked
Hard enough
Or spent time
Considering it because
O know its not my fault
So why feel shame?
See self knowledge does not
Stop the shame
It simply rationalises it

Deep shame
Sadness that it is inside of me
Compassion for me, all of me
Fear of rejection
Fear of finding out the truth
Fear of reality

I have had some clarity
Which separates out two areas
Which has made a difference
I think

One is not dependent on the other
Both need treating independantly
Both with respect
Yet neither must be allowed
To breed new fear
Or shame in the future
Yet i accept a certain amount
Of upheaval inside
Whilst spiritual surgery takes place
Before the truth is revealed
And the healing takes place

Today i couldnt get up
I couldnt enjoy a lay in
I coulnt enjoy
I couldnt enjoy

I did sit and wrote
About my shame
Its all self will
Yet i have to get this stuff out
It cannot be allowed to sit
And fester inside for any longer
I need to keep getting it out
And at some point start to pray!

The thing about being a christian 
Is that i now believe 
In satan aswell as God
And i just read today that
Child abuse is the work of satan
If you want to break the world
Abuse children & they're likely to grow
To be broken adults
Stats are never true for abuse
Yet its scary that satan has his
Hand on so many, so young
And we remain silent hurting
For so long, alone,
Cuts off the relationship
Cuts off fellowship
It makes sense
Child abuse is the work of satan
Healing is done by God

I did finish wallpapering
I have made a decision
To do no more til
After i have at least packed 
For my holiday :)
I just found out there are
Wild dolphins around already this year!! 
Flippin awesome
I am telling you its a magical place
I cant wait !!

Books

I was glad to fund the courage to go to a christian bookshop and ask for refences with scripture. They had a good selection in the healing section. Whilst "The Courage to Heal" gave me identification, it was too hardwork and very text book. I needed
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing

its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true

education - information = change = healing :)

Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool) 

Learning to trust again - christa sands

Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought

Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)

Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin

Craving for love - briar whitehead

My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17 

Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman

Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)

The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction & 
Difficult behaviour
Edited by  brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)

Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King

The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )

Step 1 ...Predictably

I am angry
because i am confused

i am relieved
i have some clarity

i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one

i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out

i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered

i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out

i feel angry
this still requires sorting

i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future

i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one

i am impatient
and want to explore

i am afraid
of self will

i want
yet i daren't
even speak it

i need yet
i daren't ask for it

to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable

yet its what i have
become used to

i dont want to
now
i want to
at least discuss

i want to be able to ask for
without fear

to thine own self be true

i want to stand up
and be who i am

at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely

i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human

yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
responsibility
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out

productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion

Step 1 .... More about

Step 1

Vagueness
Write
Random thoughts
Old ideas
Lies
My truth
Is a lie
I believe a lie
I have been living a lie
Without knowing
I have been in the grip
Of another persons truth
Or is it my own skewed perception
Over years of not knowing
What or why
And not understanding
Any of it
What or why

Sick as secrets
Sick as lies
Sick of feeling choked
Sick of holding my breath
Sick of splitting
Sick of attaching
Sick of fantasy because i dont know how not to
Sick of looking for control
Sick of manipulating passively
Sick of feeling less than
Sick if feeling abnormal
Sick of avoiding
Sick of laughing it off through gritted teeth
Sick of feeling sick

Cyclical thinking

Also i know this is one area to work on
At the moment
To put it in perspective
I lead a very full and healthy life
Much joy and freedom
And this area is not
Stopping me taking part
I serve and i receive joy
I do Gods will alot as possible
This is is an area which
god will help me with
This is something which
I need
His help with
I need God
And support in fellowship
And from myself
Willingness openminded honesty
Humility anylength
Its an opportunity for growth
To see God work a miracle
For me to be better for
Someone else 
And glorify God

Hand in hand with the
Spirit of the universe
Holy spirit
Come upon me :)

Step 1

I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when 
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will

Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith

I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening

This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5 
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong

That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes 
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment

I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable

What?
I need not stay like this

Do i want to stay like this?
No

Are you willing to go
 to any length?
Yes

How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray

ok 

Dear Johno

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes-absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70

Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)

pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you

paint
put yourself to good use

service
newcomers

hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
acceptance
it is how it is
my will for the time being

preparation

:(

johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours

sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else

i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really

faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...

And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3

Dear God

When do i get some sex ?
Its been forever....
Sigh

Rsvp

Step 10's

I need to do some
more often

i need a holiday
or i am becoming less selfcrestrained
or i an opening my mouth to quickly
or am am not wanting to let go
or am baffled
or i am carrying to much stuff
on my mind
unnecessary
and feeling
like its because i have a lot on
well maybe i do
2 weeks to holuday
and i want perfection
before i go
its not too much to ask
or expect is it?
Haha... A natural feeling
yet i think i am
busier than usual
exempt from being
asked to do anything
extra voluntary!!!
Dont they know who i am!!
And how precious my time is??
And how i choose what i do
you dont give it me!!
And espdcually when
me myself and i had
made plans in the sun
HALT
i was very tired
and didnt realise how tired i was

still did it
made mustakes
acxepted grace
gracefully
still got some sun
and now
step 10'd

i need divine
guidance
on several issues

i need to withdraw
and pray
specifically
earnestly
honestly

Self obsessed 100%

Seems when i was drinking
i was continually playing over
the day
the week
the hour
the past
the future
the present
coulda woulda shoulda
and living in continual
guilt and fear
never communicating
never asking for help
just trying
to figure out
why it happened
and what to do

now
i am doing lots of good stuff
praying
living in the
present mostly
letting go so much better
accepting grace better
loving others
serving god

yet still i find time
to think about myself
what you thinks
what he she thinks
whats next
all at the same time
yet i dont worry about
all of that or live it like before
i dont sit for hours wondering
it comes in and goes out
i take what i need
and reject the rest
i do life while this chattering goes on
and much of the time
i can let it go, pass on through

yet there are a few
that even though i suffer for it
i hang onto just for so called fun
yet they keep me in the bondage

apparantly non alkys
are like this aswell
the ones that dont
are either on something
or numb
or lying
or have better things to do
than even think about all this!!

Nothing wrong ....

All 3 samples negatuve
which means nothing wrong
just breathing tests
in a week ir so
test for asthma and the like
no big deal thesedays

i need to stop worrying
stop worrying

buzarrely i spoke with someone today
who is getting medication
to calm his worrying
its called anti depressants !!
See i hadnt put the two togetger

i am not going to take a pill
to stop me worrying
i need to grow out of it
or gradually ditch it
and fill tge hole with faith

it has been said that i worry
less thesedays
and not suprisingly
my faith is stronger

so hoping that
the more fauthful i become
the kess of a worrier
i will be

god has never given me anything
i cant handle so far
with him, in fellowship

so i will keep on
keeping on
til we are done

lay in tomorrow
and off to vets in afternoon
cat has ear mites again
and his annual well man check
and jabs :)

that means i have had him a year
or is it that he had me for a year? :)
he still purrs his head off when he sees me
before and after food
he still lays around purring randomly
he still hoots and miaows
and i still hae no idea what he's on about
he puts up with his no set meal times
i put up with his hairs!!
we get in fine
i love him :)
he is a grateful cat
and i am grateful for his personality
its perfect

As sick as your secrets

As Sick as your secrets

There is something about
Having and doing samples
Brings out dishonesty
Pride ad a certain amount of 
Arrogance, and fear!!

Dishonesty in that i want
To eat/drink only good atuff
While i am giving samples

Pride what will they think of me
When they see it? Test it?
They will know how i live
They will know the real me
Paranoia because really
Thesedays i eat and drink
Better than many and 
Not aswell as some
I have nothing to hide
But i can improve :)

Arrogance in thinking
I know what they are looking
For in the tests
I know how to manipulate
My intake to have a good test
Yet what the heck do i know?
Head, why do you want to 
Manipulate?
I want it straight!!

Fear in that i could have gone
Earlier and dropped of all samples
But was afraid and went back to bed
Put it off ... so sloth aswell
Yet ignorance is not bliss
Sloth does hold termites
That eat away at all the good work
All the progress
Brings up today... Fear
And a feeling of guilt
That i could have gone
To work earlier
Further dishonesty

Defects are a pain in the ass!!

I will be only as 
Sick as the secrets my body
Holds onto
Which is why i need
Experts to uncover the mysteries
The skeletons lurking!! :)

Also i am suffering 
Analysis paralysis
And need to stop
Composing blog posts
It keeps me in victim
Drama queen mode..

See i could get a call today
To say all clear!!

Then it would be simply
A virus

Reallu busy this afternoon
No time to think!
Called GP
Results not ready, call again friday
After 11am

No physical pains today!!

Going out for dinner this eve
Older couple at church
Returning my invite
A few months ago
Nice :)

Money and spreadsheets

Even though i have worked in the
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored

same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does

makes me sleep

note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)

Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)

good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?