Its a long one
but its been a long day
and i'm off for a long break
In the wheel of time Issue 173
I had proposed to publish here, once a year, texts by Carlos Castañeda, an anthropologist who influenced my generation with his tales of meetings with Mexican sorcerers. For lack of space, I have not done so since 2004. Today I woke up thinking: Castañeda, despite all his critics and all his work that later on seemed so disorderly to me, should not be forgotten. So here we present some of his reflections.
Intention is the important thing: for the old sorcerers of Mexico, intention (intento) is a force that intervenes in all aspects of time and space. To be able to use and manipulate this force calls for impeccable behavior. A warrior’s final goal is to be able to lift his head above the rut where he is confined, look around him, and change what he wants. To do so he needs to have discipline and pay attention all the time.
Nothing is easy: nothing in this world is given as a present: everything has to be learned with a great deal of effort. A man who seeks knowledge must have the same behavior as a soldier going to war: absolutely attentive, afraid, respectful and utterly confident. If he follows these recommendations, he may lose the odd battle but he will never cry over his fate.
Fear is natural: fear of the freedom that knowledge brings us is absolutely natural; however, no matter how terrible the apprenticeship may be, it is worse to live without wisdom.
Irritation is unnecessary: becoming irritated with others means giving them the power to interfere in our lives. It is imperative to overcome this feeling. By no means should the acts of others distract us from our only alternative in life: coming in touch with the infinite.
The end is an ally: when things begin to get confused, a warrior thinks about his death and immediately his spirit returns to him. Death is everywhere. Think of the headlights of a car following us along a winding road; sometimes we lose sight of it, sometimes it appears to be too close, sometimes the headlights go out. But this imaginary car never stops (and one day catches up with us). The very idea of death gives men the necessary detachment to go ahead despite all their tribulations. A man who knows that death is approaching every day tries everything, but without feeling anxiety.
The present is unique: a warrior knows how to wait, because he knows what he is waiting for. And while he waits, he wants nothing, and in this way anything he receives – however small – is a blessing. The common man worries too much about loving others, or being loved by them. A warrior knows what he wants - that is all in his life and that is where he concentrates all his energy. The common man spends the present acting as winner or loser, and depending on the results he becomes persecutor or victim. The warrior, on the other hand, worries only about his acts, which will lead him to the objective he has traced for himself.
Intention is transparent: intention (intento) is not a thought, nor an object, nor a desire. It is what makes a man triumph in his objectives and lifts him up from the ground even when he has delivered himself up to defeat. Intention is stronger than man.
It is always the last battle: the warrior’s spirit does not complain about anything, because he was not born to win or lose. He was born to fight, and each battle is the last that he is waging on the face of the Earth. That is why the warrior always leaves his spirit free, and when he gives himself to combat, knowing that his intention is transparent, he laughs and enjoys himself.
All from Paulo Coelho Warrior of Light Issue 173
Very pertinent for me at the moment
Todays Thought for the Day
Eye Of The Storm
A wise sea captain caught in a tropical storm knows that if he holds his vessel on the periphery it will get hurled from one side to the other. If he can reach the eye of the storm, he will enter a place of stillness. The storm will then subside and the ship can continue its journey. Similarly, when everything around me is changing in a very intense way, the best place for me to seek shelter and refuge is not on the outside, but deep within the self, where I can get in touch with my own inner being, find strength and stability, then come out and do whatever it is I need to.
My stuff
I am off on holiday now
2 weeks away from it all
immerse myself within
and without with...
nature and the elements
good food
spiritual nourishment
and like minded company
and God
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
"i'll comeback
and do whatever it is
I need to do"
Last night I had a strange experience
Packing some new insect repellent
even though I havent opened or sprayed it
I could smell alcohol
first thought open it and smell it...
I prayed
and second thought
this stuffs so cunning huh!
put the stuff in your bag stop messing around with it!
its just insect repellent
was that in my mind or was it real?
I have no idea
First thoughts often hold the danger signs
they are to be listened to
but not always acted upon!!
I may throw it away by tomorrow
and buy a different brand if it
stays in my head
insect bites or drunk... ?
My line manager ORDERED me today
to not worry
she says this all proves that I am human...
I have no choice to let go and let God
either spend the whole 2 weeks worrying about
what I can absolutely do nothing about
powerless... for 2 weeks
or let go absolutely!
There are already and will be
consequences or my error
however, what kind, I have no idea
TODAY
Self will invites me to predict
Fear tells me the worst (as usual)
No one, not even those involved
have said have a crap time
you waster!
Like you say, forgiveness must apply to me aswell
Put the stick down Johno
and have some fun
I feel a sense of peace
I keep thinking its just shock
or numb
but I am not so sure it is...
I was listening to this song on the way home
Circle Round the Sun (track 10)
Chris While & Julie Matthews
some words say
Faith is just another way of simply stopping trying
It is what many of us myself included
though when anyone over a week said have faith or hand it over
or first approach at step 3
"well that meanns I dont have to do anything then, leave it to God!"
No Absolute faith does not mean simply stopping trying
I dont agree in this instance
Lovely song, but I dont agree
and it made me take a check on what have I dont the last few days
My attitude
I could go to work and feel sorry for myself etc
or go to work and think well God will take care of me
whatever... if I get sacked or disciplined so be it
but thats sloth and dishonest and selfish fear driven
attitude
I think...
and there is a fine line which parts how I feel
and the 2nd one above.
I could get disciplined
infact thats a (fear driven lie)
I wont get disciplined
There may e changes, may be not
in todays market I am lucky to have a job
many of my old colleagues
who are good at their jobs
are facing redundancy
I do have faith that I will be ok no matter what
and I do not feel a victim
even though I have erred
its an honest mistake
What I have is dignity
What I have is a sense of rightsize this thing
its big, but there are bigger and there are smaller
errors been made and will be again
I will see this through
I will not where possible let this one thing
affect every other thing I do WELL
I will not walk around with impending doom
its not helpful
its not service
its not AA
its not sober
its not who I am today
Lessons will be learnt
I need to reflect on the future
what I do and dont wnat to be doing
when term starts again in October
what the right thing especially in light of this
and whats defect driven
Balancing too many balls
is not an honest days work
I do not want to hang in there
and possibly make this mistake again
this year was the practice session
its time to GET REAL
I am responsible
when I know better
I have a responsibility to do better
Take care all and have a fun few weeks
happy founders day on 10th June
God Grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
see ya
:)
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Free
They who desire naught will always be free.
Knowing When not to.
Action is important but so is inaction, in other words, knowing when not to.
Think about the times where you were glad or relieved that you had chosen not to act.
What is it that guides us to know, when not to? Is it fate or a universal force that chooses to protect us from harm? Is it just experience and wisdom that we have gained over years of learning and from making mistakes?
But most of us are so caught up in action and ‘doing’ that giving a considered or appropriate response is not something we do naturally or easily. As a consequence, getting it right may not always come naturally.
Do we throw out our common sense when our ‘buttons’ get pushed?
How can we change our patterns so that we can get it right more often?
Maybe the secret of a hassle-free life is having the wisdom of knowing when not to: say something; dig your heels in; hold your ground; or make an important decision!
All the above... Inner Space
I am reading another Paulo Coelho
Witch of Portobello
Its really different but as always
I am inspired
First Chapter
More Witch stuff
Wikipedia on the Witch
And Amazon
2 more sleeps an then I am off
I feel ok you know...
re work
Like i said yesterday
Restraint of Tongue and Pen
Faith
and do the next right thing
and no worrying
Its not sorted but we are going through
a process, so I must trust the process
patience is learned in waiting
and continuing on with the next right thing
Letting go
seems to be something to
relearn everytime
no thing seems to be the same as
the last time I let go
every case is different
feeling remarkably calm
serene even!!?
bizarre really
can this praying thing really work?
you already know I know it does...
They who desire naught will always be free.
Knowing When not to.
Action is important but so is inaction, in other words, knowing when not to.
Think about the times where you were glad or relieved that you had chosen not to act.
What is it that guides us to know, when not to? Is it fate or a universal force that chooses to protect us from harm? Is it just experience and wisdom that we have gained over years of learning and from making mistakes?
But most of us are so caught up in action and ‘doing’ that giving a considered or appropriate response is not something we do naturally or easily. As a consequence, getting it right may not always come naturally.
Do we throw out our common sense when our ‘buttons’ get pushed?
How can we change our patterns so that we can get it right more often?
Maybe the secret of a hassle-free life is having the wisdom of knowing when not to: say something; dig your heels in; hold your ground; or make an important decision!
All the above... Inner Space
I am reading another Paulo Coelho
Witch of Portobello
Its really different but as always
I am inspired
First Chapter
More Witch stuff
Wikipedia on the Witch
And Amazon
2 more sleeps an then I am off
I feel ok you know...
re work
Like i said yesterday
Restraint of Tongue and Pen
Faith
and do the next right thing
and no worrying
Its not sorted but we are going through
a process, so I must trust the process
patience is learned in waiting
and continuing on with the next right thing
Letting go
seems to be something to
relearn everytime
no thing seems to be the same as
the last time I let go
every case is different
feeling remarkably calm
serene even!!?
bizarre really
can this praying thing really work?
you already know I know it does...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Turn up until they tell you not too
Today was a day I havent had for a while
I mistake has come up
unearthed, from before Christmas
its just come to light
these things happen
bound too
when your at it the whole time
the more you do
the more % mistakes
if you know what I mean
not acceptance in a sloth way
just a fact
if you dont do anything
you wont err
yes its big
but then we do big stuff
but as with EVERYTHING
there is a process for dealing with BIG mistakes!
I didnt talk or freak
just prayed
took action
made a phone call
and then another
did the right thing
made the right call to the appropriate person
talked quietly low even
then got up walked away
went to talk with my manager another appropriate person
went to the kitchen for a coffee
went to walk back but didnt
paused, turned around and prayed
walked back
was told not to worry
was told the world would not stop
was agreed with this is a big a*se
was told NO I wouldnt have to NOT go on holiday!!
I am I to blame?
See no-one has said that
only me! in my head
no fingers pointed
we are our biggest critic
I knew what the right thing to do was next
go to a meeting
went back to my home group tonight
was like a girls reunion!
cool or what!
I love that church
after the meeting
I went and prayed at the alter
on my knees
I feel so very small in that big church
yet very safe at the alter
me and God
Grateful for the tools
grateful for using them
grateful I prayed last night and this morning
for restraint of tongue and pen
for the next right thing
Grateful for the discipline of earnest prayer
grateful for the step 3 prayer P63
and the prayer to have my fear to be removed
and my attention to be directed to what he would have me be P68
and the serenity prayer
and humility
God grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change
the courage to change the things we can
and the wisdom to know the difference
On the way home, sent a mesg to sponsor
not a panic stricken, freak out
just a mesg to talk re work
yet at the same time
knowing that its prayer I need
this is a God moment
tonight is not the time to talk with a human
tonight its prayer I need
sometimes to reach out is enough
though the need to be fixed is not there
i want to do this with God
and I know that what I think is God
is sometimes absurd...
sometimes there is a need for counsel
give time time
Let God in
First job for tomorrow
pray and turn up
no matter what
Johno as always you go with God
We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.P83
God I am such a perfectionist
but even I f*ck up at times
and I was thinking it was all going
smoothly leading up to me
serene away from it all holiday
God said
Johno get real
this is life
in step 6 you agreed
that no longer would you
listen to your self centred head
that says these things are
a deliberate attempt to sabotage your serenity!
I know God, i seen that one already today
God said... well then!!
Read step 3 all of it... and then read this bit
Perhaps there is a better way-we think so. For we are now on a different basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.p68
NOW GO TO BED
ok see ya
and Johno
yes
stop worrying
I mistake has come up
unearthed, from before Christmas
its just come to light
these things happen
bound too
when your at it the whole time
the more you do
the more % mistakes
if you know what I mean
not acceptance in a sloth way
just a fact
if you dont do anything
you wont err
yes its big
but then we do big stuff
but as with EVERYTHING
there is a process for dealing with BIG mistakes!
I didnt talk or freak
just prayed
took action
made a phone call
and then another
did the right thing
made the right call to the appropriate person
talked quietly low even
then got up walked away
went to talk with my manager another appropriate person
went to the kitchen for a coffee
went to walk back but didnt
paused, turned around and prayed
walked back
was told not to worry
was told the world would not stop
was agreed with this is a big a*se
was told NO I wouldnt have to NOT go on holiday!!
I am I to blame?
See no-one has said that
only me! in my head
no fingers pointed
we are our biggest critic
I knew what the right thing to do was next
go to a meeting
went back to my home group tonight
was like a girls reunion!
cool or what!
I love that church
after the meeting
I went and prayed at the alter
on my knees
I feel so very small in that big church
yet very safe at the alter
me and God
Grateful for the tools
grateful for using them
grateful I prayed last night and this morning
for restraint of tongue and pen
for the next right thing
Grateful for the discipline of earnest prayer
grateful for the step 3 prayer P63
and the prayer to have my fear to be removed
and my attention to be directed to what he would have me be P68
and the serenity prayer
and humility
God grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change
the courage to change the things we can
and the wisdom to know the difference
On the way home, sent a mesg to sponsor
not a panic stricken, freak out
just a mesg to talk re work
yet at the same time
knowing that its prayer I need
this is a God moment
tonight is not the time to talk with a human
tonight its prayer I need
sometimes to reach out is enough
though the need to be fixed is not there
i want to do this with God
and I know that what I think is God
is sometimes absurd...
sometimes there is a need for counsel
give time time
Let God in
First job for tomorrow
pray and turn up
no matter what
Johno as always you go with God
We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.P83
God I am such a perfectionist
but even I f*ck up at times
and I was thinking it was all going
smoothly leading up to me
serene away from it all holiday
God said
Johno get real
this is life
in step 6 you agreed
that no longer would you
listen to your self centred head
that says these things are
a deliberate attempt to sabotage your serenity!
I know God, i seen that one already today
God said... well then!!
Read step 3 all of it... and then read this bit
Perhaps there is a better way-we think so. For we are now on a different basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.p68
NOW GO TO BED
ok see ya
and Johno
yes
stop worrying
Monday, May 26, 2008
Intolerence - my opinion
I am becoming very intolerent
towards alcohol
Thankfully, yes thankfully
the resentment is towards alcohol
and not the people who drink it
mostly!
I am REALLY seeing
exactly how destructive
this thing is
how it touches and affects
not only the drinker and the family
also the neighbours
My father has a neighbour
who arrived home at 1am
banging doors
shouting with his mates
the strangest noises
on the phone out in the garden
loud music
which carried on through until
9am
this is not just alcohol
the police have no control
its a council issue
there is an after 11pm by-law
he knows the police cant do anything
they went round at 1am and asked him to turn it down
their description of him was
a zombie, talking to someone who was not all there
no point in even attempting
he just knows the police have no control
when they talk to him sober
he apologises and understands
he is rational!
and then forgets
seems his hearing and all sense
of social skills
disappears
My dad and his fiance
are becoming ill with this
its starting to eat them up
I can see it
can they move house?
not sure if they will get a buyer
as his behaviour is very unpredictable
As a nation
If we effected a complete abstainence policy
for alcohol
other issues would become apparant
we would realise that as a nation
we have many other problems aside from alcohol
no longer would we be able to have news issues
where would our problem then centre?
in our mind?
in our attitudes?
the heart of the nation?
is the head of our nation really a reliable source?
as a nation we need to take action
more action!
Once again
I want to 12 step the UK
not singlehandedly of course
and once again
I see when we have been through the 12 steps
and practice 10, 11, 12 in all our affairs
these principles filter out into the nation
our 12th step is so important
Our name is Britain and we are alcoholic
we havent yet admitted we are powerless
and our life has become unmanageable
we have tried everything
and we still cant sort this issue
infact its getting worse
we are in the grip of a killer illness
Are we willing to go to any lengths?
Do we try anything, do we really? really?
Do we really accept our shortcomings
and humbly ask a power greater to help?
Do we sing off the same hymn sheet?
Do we really want to solve anything?
or have we become so completely sick
that the unacceptable has now become acceptable
untreated alcoholism?
are we spiritially sick?
as a nation are we a victim
I have an opinion
but its NOT a dig
at any political party
or person
its just an opinion
and observation today
Whats it like in other countries?
the problem is still there
the effects, health, crime are just two examples
but do they have more of a success rate?
do the police and authorities join forces?
I have no idea
All I see is what I see hear
when they said
Keep coming back
more will be revealed
I had no idea what they meant!
I am finding a voice
RaRaRaaaaaaaaaaar :)
Resentments - can lead to solutions
if a process is followed through
not necessarily now!
Patience Johno
Keep coming back
keep talking
honour your truth
dont be scared
be considerate
this is Any Lengths
Recovery Archive found The Last Thing
have you had a look?
Heres another
Recovery is Sexy
And I may start reading this
Buddhism for Dummies!
towards alcohol
Thankfully, yes thankfully
the resentment is towards alcohol
and not the people who drink it
mostly!
I am REALLY seeing
exactly how destructive
this thing is
how it touches and affects
not only the drinker and the family
also the neighbours
My father has a neighbour
who arrived home at 1am
banging doors
shouting with his mates
the strangest noises
on the phone out in the garden
loud music
which carried on through until
9am
this is not just alcohol
the police have no control
its a council issue
there is an after 11pm by-law
he knows the police cant do anything
they went round at 1am and asked him to turn it down
their description of him was
a zombie, talking to someone who was not all there
no point in even attempting
he just knows the police have no control
when they talk to him sober
he apologises and understands
he is rational!
and then forgets
seems his hearing and all sense
of social skills
disappears
My dad and his fiance
are becoming ill with this
its starting to eat them up
I can see it
can they move house?
not sure if they will get a buyer
as his behaviour is very unpredictable
As a nation
If we effected a complete abstainence policy
for alcohol
other issues would become apparant
we would realise that as a nation
we have many other problems aside from alcohol
no longer would we be able to have news issues
where would our problem then centre?
in our mind?
in our attitudes?
the heart of the nation?
is the head of our nation really a reliable source?
as a nation we need to take action
more action!
Once again
I want to 12 step the UK
not singlehandedly of course
and once again
I see when we have been through the 12 steps
and practice 10, 11, 12 in all our affairs
these principles filter out into the nation
our 12th step is so important
Our name is Britain and we are alcoholic
we havent yet admitted we are powerless
and our life has become unmanageable
we have tried everything
and we still cant sort this issue
infact its getting worse
we are in the grip of a killer illness
Are we willing to go to any lengths?
Do we try anything, do we really? really?
Do we really accept our shortcomings
and humbly ask a power greater to help?
Do we sing off the same hymn sheet?
Do we really want to solve anything?
or have we become so completely sick
that the unacceptable has now become acceptable
untreated alcoholism?
are we spiritially sick?
as a nation are we a victim
I have an opinion
but its NOT a dig
at any political party
or person
its just an opinion
and observation today
Whats it like in other countries?
the problem is still there
the effects, health, crime are just two examples
but do they have more of a success rate?
do the police and authorities join forces?
I have no idea
All I see is what I see hear
when they said
Keep coming back
more will be revealed
I had no idea what they meant!
I am finding a voice
RaRaRaaaaaaaaaaar :)
Resentments - can lead to solutions
if a process is followed through
not necessarily now!
Patience Johno
Keep coming back
keep talking
honour your truth
dont be scared
be considerate
this is Any Lengths
Recovery Archive found The Last Thing
have you had a look?
Heres another
Recovery is Sexy
And I may start reading this
Buddhism for Dummies!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
No coincidences - I hear you - God
Thought for the day
Inner Space
Laws Of Success
The greatest mistake - Giving up. The greatest crippler - Fear. The greatest handicap - Ego. The most potent force - Positive. The greatest thought - God. The greatest victory - Victory over the self.
God speaks through people places and things
Touched by angels
God is everything
I speak my mind, hand it over
I thank you for your CARE and love back
The mind is not something to underestimate
Though its wise to seek counsel
or at least stop and pause
when it speaks negatively
as it sometimes does
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Inner Space
Laws Of Success
The greatest mistake - Giving up. The greatest crippler - Fear. The greatest handicap - Ego. The most potent force - Positive. The greatest thought - God. The greatest victory - Victory over the self.
God speaks through people places and things
Touched by angels
God is everything
I speak my mind, hand it over
I thank you for your CARE and love back
The mind is not something to underestimate
Though its wise to seek counsel
or at least stop and pause
when it speaks negatively
as it sometimes does
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I am feeling afraid
I am feeling afraid
of people
places
and things
this is not rational fear?
Fear of the credit crunch
Fear that I am being sexually harassed
Fear of looking for a new job
Fear of what people think of me
Fear of the unknown
Fear that I have this aversion to looking at my study books forever!
Notice that the word 'fear' is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. P67
God please remove my fear
and direct my attention to
what YOU would have me be.. P68
I am pre menstrual
I am tired
I am trying self restraint
I have an amend to make tomorrow
From something I said today
Stems from me being a hypocrite
and being oversensitive today
I am looking forward to seeing my dad
I haven't seen him since January
and I just found out
my brother and his family
may be coming to europe!
I am quietly very happy
and at the same times
not counting chickens...
I have grown to love him so much :)
Trying to sort out a straggle of
mums estate
which will come in handy for both of us
I have been praying for what
she and God would like me
to spend her money on
and an answer keeps coming up
I will keep praying
for guidance
Inspite of this turbulence
keeping on
been to the gym again
and feeling ok
doing the new programme
arm feels NOT BAD!!
Thank you
This all too shall pass!
No human power can change the way I feel
This is a time of recovery
Assume the position!
The recovery position
Its prayer we need
have a good weekend all!!
of people
places
and things
this is not rational fear?
Fear of the credit crunch
Fear that I am being sexually harassed
Fear of looking for a new job
Fear of what people think of me
Fear of the unknown
Fear that I have this aversion to looking at my study books forever!
Notice that the word 'fear' is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. P67
God please remove my fear
and direct my attention to
what YOU would have me be.. P68
I am pre menstrual
I am tired
I am trying self restraint
I have an amend to make tomorrow
From something I said today
Stems from me being a hypocrite
and being oversensitive today
I am looking forward to seeing my dad
I haven't seen him since January
and I just found out
my brother and his family
may be coming to europe!
I am quietly very happy
and at the same times
not counting chickens...
I have grown to love him so much :)
Trying to sort out a straggle of
mums estate
which will come in handy for both of us
I have been praying for what
she and God would like me
to spend her money on
and an answer keeps coming up
I will keep praying
for guidance
Inspite of this turbulence
keeping on
been to the gym again
and feeling ok
doing the new programme
arm feels NOT BAD!!
Thank you
This all too shall pass!
No human power can change the way I feel
This is a time of recovery
Assume the position!
The recovery position
Its prayer we need
have a good weekend all!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
after study
the days after the end of a “relationship”..
for me, with my books,
I reaslised they and it took up so much of my time,
energy, thinking time, all the time.
I am out of sorts still a week on,
wondering what to do now.. somethings missing…
not true of course,
its just a time for readjustment.
things move around
it fits together
and the joins disappear again
healing in the process of change
I feel as though I have run a marathon
well at least I imagine thats how it is
I am tired
out of sorts
and dont know what to do with myself
I think I need to rest
yet aswell
getting back into life without books
is odd
apparantly this is normal
Since September last year
I have I think felt every emotion
too extremes
though nothing has destroyed the
keep on keeping on
encouragement from
fellows colleagues friends family
has helped too
yet all along
this has felt
so right
everything even the hardest hours and minutes
have felt exactly how they are meant to be
I have never (except fleetingly) wanted to stop
yes at times wondered what the heck
but never in my heart wanted to stop
this is the right direction
still feels the right direction
I am off to pray for direction
grateful today
that you had confirmed only what you already knew
and no nasty suprises
ok enough
pray
then bed!
for me, with my books,
I reaslised they and it took up so much of my time,
energy, thinking time, all the time.
I am out of sorts still a week on,
wondering what to do now.. somethings missing…
not true of course,
its just a time for readjustment.
things move around
it fits together
and the joins disappear again
healing in the process of change
I feel as though I have run a marathon
well at least I imagine thats how it is
I am tired
out of sorts
and dont know what to do with myself
I think I need to rest
yet aswell
getting back into life without books
is odd
apparantly this is normal
Since September last year
I have I think felt every emotion
too extremes
though nothing has destroyed the
keep on keeping on
encouragement from
fellows colleagues friends family
has helped too
yet all along
this has felt
so right
everything even the hardest hours and minutes
have felt exactly how they are meant to be
I have never (except fleetingly) wanted to stop
yes at times wondered what the heck
but never in my heart wanted to stop
this is the right direction
still feels the right direction
I am off to pray for direction
grateful today
that you had confirmed only what you already knew
and no nasty suprises
ok enough
pray
then bed!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Gym and flunky shoulder
having not been down the gym since
JANUARY....
I have followed GP's orders
no yoga
no Gym
rest the arm
but its just got worse
it affects my sleep
I cant use it
I dont want to live like this any more
pain and a disabled arm
well I may have to live with it
but I wont let up until I have
explored all there is...
I am 40 not 60!
GP this week has referred me to a physio
he said it could be rheumatic or a trapped nerve
the letter came within days!!
they can fit me in during or after my holiday
no they wouldnt tell me what I will have to do
"we'll tell you when we get here"
yeh I want to know now!
but i'll just have to wait
Gym tonight
personal trainer was great
checking out my arm movement
whats possible and what isnt AT THE MOMENT
and apparantly its fixable
I now have a new programme
with my flunky arm in mind
Also it seems that the arm difficulty
could be as the result of the suitcase
I took at Christmas to Africa
usually I take a backpack
this time I took a case...
the case is now ditched!
It kinda makes sense
and fits with the pain and stuff
anyway enough
I am off to watch Shrink Rap
and sleep
JANUARY....
I have followed GP's orders
no yoga
no Gym
rest the arm
but its just got worse
it affects my sleep
I cant use it
I dont want to live like this any more
pain and a disabled arm
well I may have to live with it
but I wont let up until I have
explored all there is...
I am 40 not 60!
GP this week has referred me to a physio
he said it could be rheumatic or a trapped nerve
the letter came within days!!
they can fit me in during or after my holiday
no they wouldnt tell me what I will have to do
"we'll tell you when we get here"
yeh I want to know now!
but i'll just have to wait
Gym tonight
personal trainer was great
checking out my arm movement
whats possible and what isnt AT THE MOMENT
and apparantly its fixable
I now have a new programme
with my flunky arm in mind
Also it seems that the arm difficulty
could be as the result of the suitcase
I took at Christmas to Africa
usually I take a backpack
this time I took a case...
the case is now ditched!
It kinda makes sense
and fits with the pain and stuff
anyway enough
I am off to watch Shrink Rap
and sleep
Sunday, May 18, 2008
My attitude needs changing NOT the other persons
Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness
When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Why?
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL
I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this
This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary
Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
spiritually sick
there is a need to get over my self!
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
We must, or it kills us!
God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.
Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62
I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
Beautiful film
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
...........years!
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)
See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness
When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Why?
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL
I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this
This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary
Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
spiritually sick
there is a need to get over my self!
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
We must, or it kills us!
God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.
Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62
I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
Beautiful film
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
...........years!
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)
Friday, May 16, 2008
Schools out - Time to clean house - take my own inventory - do not delay
Exam over
Prayed before
God said we-re ready
so I asked for his words
in his order
and about 25mins left
I went blank, 1 question to go
I went to the toilet mide xam
and prayed again for the words again
and wrote for another 20...
I am happy with it all
This has been an amazing experience
I will have a look back over the blog posts
at somepoint
I would not have missed any of it for the world
and would not exchange
1 shot of anything
for even the darkest
and hairaising bad hair moments!!
But Wednesday is now history
I have thinking time now
life is slipping in
head stuff I have dealt with
but not with the zeal i would like to have done
now I have
I have to take responsibility
time to take inventory
pray
and share with another human being
and keep praying
and keep taking inventory
and keep praying and keep taking inventory
and keep on
we have a daily repreive
I have been blessed in so many ways
and have faith this will continue
but thats not enough the work will never be over
although this is NOT a complaint
its a way of life
the basic deal is I stay sober in return for
handing my will and my life over
I need take daily inventory
and do some gratitude lists
all that I have done in the last 5 months
was enough in the last 5 months
but I cannot afford to and
do not want to rest on my laurels
thinking its going to see me through even one day
I already seen I had to change my lifestyle
and meetings and everything
Octiber to january which was hard
but exciting at the same time
pink cloud like
the last 4 months
and that was painful...
having to change again
even the stuff that was Good...
and now I have to be prepared to change again
You cannot give away what you havent got
right now
I am a little empty
so I am off to sit with a blank sheet and a pen
rather like I did on wednesday
this time ask for honesty
and tell him the truth
and ask for help on something
I dont understand
let go
I love that we have this program
this toolkit
God thank you for showing me what I am capable of
20 years of thinking about this course
We finally made an excellent start
I am so grateful
Prison service tomorrow
I am looking forward to it :)
and I am starting to accept
letting go and not knowing
on a much deeper level
a much deeper level
theres no love like your love
and no other
could give more love
Bryan Adams yo maybe didnt sing this with God in mind
But today I sing it with God
in my mind
Its true, no human could give what
been given so reliably
by God!
Take me as I am
take my life
I'm giving all
I'm a sacrifice
But theres nothing I want more
You know its true
everything I do
I do it for you
..God
..and no other
could give me more love
theres no where
unless your there
all the time
all the way
I fight for you
I lie for you
walk the wire for you
I die for you
Everything I do
I do it for you
(the great you thats EVERYTHING)
the greater Good, that is God
step3 again...
Prayed before
God said we-re ready
so I asked for his words
in his order
and about 25mins left
I went blank, 1 question to go
I went to the toilet mide xam
and prayed again for the words again
and wrote for another 20...
I am happy with it all
This has been an amazing experience
I will have a look back over the blog posts
at somepoint
I would not have missed any of it for the world
and would not exchange
1 shot of anything
for even the darkest
and hairaising bad hair moments!!
But Wednesday is now history
I have thinking time now
life is slipping in
head stuff I have dealt with
but not with the zeal i would like to have done
now I have
I have to take responsibility
time to take inventory
pray
and share with another human being
and keep praying
and keep taking inventory
and keep praying and keep taking inventory
and keep on
we have a daily repreive
I have been blessed in so many ways
and have faith this will continue
but thats not enough the work will never be over
although this is NOT a complaint
its a way of life
the basic deal is I stay sober in return for
handing my will and my life over
I need take daily inventory
and do some gratitude lists
all that I have done in the last 5 months
was enough in the last 5 months
but I cannot afford to and
do not want to rest on my laurels
thinking its going to see me through even one day
I already seen I had to change my lifestyle
and meetings and everything
Octiber to january which was hard
but exciting at the same time
pink cloud like
the last 4 months
and that was painful...
having to change again
even the stuff that was Good...
and now I have to be prepared to change again
You cannot give away what you havent got
right now
I am a little empty
so I am off to sit with a blank sheet and a pen
rather like I did on wednesday
this time ask for honesty
and tell him the truth
and ask for help on something
I dont understand
let go
I love that we have this program
this toolkit
God thank you for showing me what I am capable of
20 years of thinking about this course
We finally made an excellent start
I am so grateful
Prison service tomorrow
I am looking forward to it :)
and I am starting to accept
letting go and not knowing
on a much deeper level
a much deeper level
theres no love like your love
and no other
could give more love
Bryan Adams yo maybe didnt sing this with God in mind
But today I sing it with God
in my mind
Its true, no human could give what
been given so reliably
by God!
Take me as I am
take my life
I'm giving all
I'm a sacrifice
But theres nothing I want more
You know its true
everything I do
I do it for you
..God
..and no other
could give me more love
theres no where
unless your there
all the time
all the way
I fight for you
I lie for you
walk the wire for you
I die for you
Everything I do
I do it for you
(the great you thats EVERYTHING)
the greater Good, that is God
step3 again...
Friday, May 09, 2008
More stuff that came across me - reason? God wants me happy joyeous and free
Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
---Gertrude Stein
(nicked it off the bottom of a Christine email)
Peace
Stay full of peace yourself and know that this peace
will reach your loved ones and ultimately the whole world.
Inner Space
Resist Not
Have you ever noticed that resistance leads to persistence. And behind all resistance is self-created fear. The only way to relax and stay relaxed is acceptance. You don't have to agree, or follow, or condone, but acceptance means you begin any interaction with a serenity which invites others to engage with you. And out of engagement comes the satisfaction of creative expression and an enriching relationship. That's relaxation in action!
Inner Space
And finally
Keep it in the day - Dont project - Read Step 3
Pray earnestly!
Sponsor suggestions
I had a 5 days left and I had a I
dont want the course to end moment
Why? i was listening to my fear
of a topic we MAY cover next year
I am afraid of
how the subject will make me feel
See how projecting - Fear
Fears - solution dont hand in the essay
and dont do the exam... simple
Thanks Fear you really have my
best interests at the frefront huh! NOT
Gods solution - Prayed for fear to be removed an for my attention
to be turned to what You (thats God) would have me be
(from Step 4 in Big book)
yeh man, done the God thing :)
Prayed like my life depends on it
I have no idea when my internet
will and wont connect
its all very strange
but the sky has not fallen in
see even though I handed it over a while back
I still doubted!
and I got that wrong! more faith required!
essay deadline met today
I stopped breathing at one point
found myself holding my breath
for far too long
not consciously
i just do it
why do I do that?
no idea!
i just do
I only noticed when I started
to feel weird
and then remembered to breathe
and i cant control how fast
the train arrives
and I may aswell breathe while I am waiting!
Ok, i'm off to read step 3
and pray earnestly some more
I love my sponsor
I love God
I love the Sun
I love that Mollys mohican hair cutted birds
now have bellys bigger than their eyes
instead of the other way around
I love that I am sober
I love my fellow students
I love being a student
I love learning
I love that can I love and its lasting
I love that I didnt lose the faith
I love that at times having the willingness
to reach out to Gods waiting love filled finger tip
I love that childlike ET reaching out
I love that I keep coming back
I love the strength you gave me
I love that I try and see Your will
I love that try and carry it out
I love that you gave me the concept of willingness
Love rocks!!
I'm off to pray earnestly and read step 3
Oh yeh i noticed pints of lager this week
Unsuprisingly, it was when I was
Hungry, Lonely or Tired
H.A.L.T its a very important tool
I saw these ladies live about 15 years ago
I still love their music - enjoy
Chris While & Julie Matthews
It's a wonderful life
---Gertrude Stein
(nicked it off the bottom of a Christine email)
Peace
Stay full of peace yourself and know that this peace
will reach your loved ones and ultimately the whole world.
Inner Space
Resist Not
Have you ever noticed that resistance leads to persistence. And behind all resistance is self-created fear. The only way to relax and stay relaxed is acceptance. You don't have to agree, or follow, or condone, but acceptance means you begin any interaction with a serenity which invites others to engage with you. And out of engagement comes the satisfaction of creative expression and an enriching relationship. That's relaxation in action!
Inner Space
And finally
Keep it in the day - Dont project - Read Step 3
Pray earnestly!
Sponsor suggestions
I had a 5 days left and I had a I
dont want the course to end moment
Why? i was listening to my fear
of a topic we MAY cover next year
I am afraid of
how the subject will make me feel
See how projecting - Fear
Fears - solution dont hand in the essay
and dont do the exam... simple
Thanks Fear you really have my
best interests at the frefront huh! NOT
Gods solution - Prayed for fear to be removed an for my attention
to be turned to what You (thats God) would have me be
(from Step 4 in Big book)
yeh man, done the God thing :)
Prayed like my life depends on it
I have no idea when my internet
will and wont connect
its all very strange
but the sky has not fallen in
see even though I handed it over a while back
I still doubted!
and I got that wrong! more faith required!
essay deadline met today
I stopped breathing at one point
found myself holding my breath
for far too long
not consciously
i just do it
why do I do that?
no idea!
i just do
I only noticed when I started
to feel weird
and then remembered to breathe
and i cant control how fast
the train arrives
and I may aswell breathe while I am waiting!
Ok, i'm off to read step 3
and pray earnestly some more
I love my sponsor
I love God
I love the Sun
I love that Mollys mohican hair cutted birds
now have bellys bigger than their eyes
instead of the other way around
I love that I am sober
I love my fellow students
I love being a student
I love learning
I love that can I love and its lasting
I love that I didnt lose the faith
I love that at times having the willingness
to reach out to Gods waiting love filled finger tip
I love that childlike ET reaching out
I love that I keep coming back
I love the strength you gave me
I love that I try and see Your will
I love that try and carry it out
I love that you gave me the concept of willingness
Love rocks!!
I'm off to pray earnestly and read step 3
Oh yeh i noticed pints of lager this week
Unsuprisingly, it was when I was
Hungry, Lonely or Tired
H.A.L.T its a very important tool
I saw these ladies live about 15 years ago
I still love their music - enjoy
Chris While & Julie Matthews
It's a wonderful life
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Thought for today
Faith
Have the faith that, despite appearances, people are doing the best they can.
you can subscribe to Thought for today
inner space
I'm telling you
the sun is out and its flippin hot!
Britain are reflecting it all back
off their ghostly white bits out!!
just enjoyed 30mins in the sun
on the grass
socks off!! bliss
Monday we had a holiday
I went to the park
the swans have had 7 cygnets
and the moorhens
have had 5 fuzzy things with red fuzzy heads
the swans are playing catch with the canada geese
spring is sprung!!
Even though my head is now spinning
with the up and coming deadlines
I am embracing the way forward
I am present for it all
and Lovin it!
Have the faith that, despite appearances, people are doing the best they can.
you can subscribe to Thought for today
inner space
I'm telling you
the sun is out and its flippin hot!
Britain are reflecting it all back
off their ghostly white bits out!!
just enjoyed 30mins in the sun
on the grass
socks off!! bliss
Monday we had a holiday
I went to the park
the swans have had 7 cygnets
and the moorhens
have had 5 fuzzy things with red fuzzy heads
the swans are playing catch with the canada geese
spring is sprung!!
Even though my head is now spinning
with the up and coming deadlines
I am embracing the way forward
I am present for it all
and Lovin it!
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Some thoughts for the days that came my way
Introversion
The ability to enjoy one's own company is one of the greatest gifts life has to offer. Learning to turn my thoughts away from all my responsibilities at the day's end and take my mind into a state of peace and benevolence enables me to carry greater and greater loads without feeling the burden. When my inner landscape is full of beautiful thoughts, everything I do is a pleasure. Gently, I calm down chaotic situations and offer solace to troubled minds.
Self-respect
Self-respect is not a matter of what you are doing in your life, but rather of how you are doing it. It requires that you bring quality and virtue into each action, whatever that action may be.
A Breeze
Never fight. Wisdom never fights, it waits patiently, speaks positively, releases easily, sees benefit in everything and envisions a future of abundance, knowing that all needs will be met at the right moment, in the right way. If you think life is a struggle you will always be struggling. If you think life is a breeze, your attitudes and actions will convey lightness and easiness. And that's what attracts everything you need, and much more. Make today a breeze not a battle.
Came from Inner Space
The ability to enjoy one's own company is one of the greatest gifts life has to offer. Learning to turn my thoughts away from all my responsibilities at the day's end and take my mind into a state of peace and benevolence enables me to carry greater and greater loads without feeling the burden. When my inner landscape is full of beautiful thoughts, everything I do is a pleasure. Gently, I calm down chaotic situations and offer solace to troubled minds.
Self-respect
Self-respect is not a matter of what you are doing in your life, but rather of how you are doing it. It requires that you bring quality and virtue into each action, whatever that action may be.
A Breeze
Never fight. Wisdom never fights, it waits patiently, speaks positively, releases easily, sees benefit in everything and envisions a future of abundance, knowing that all needs will be met at the right moment, in the right way. If you think life is a struggle you will always be struggling. If you think life is a breeze, your attitudes and actions will convey lightness and easiness. And that's what attracts everything you need, and much more. Make today a breeze not a battle.
Came from Inner Space
Sunday, May 04, 2008
"Random" Question:
Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?
Stop thinking and just do it!
The darkest hour is before the dawn
Its like the last bits to complete
of a big dinner party to prepare
the last bit of preparation
of a wall, skirting board
the last bit of the garden that finishes
the preparation off
the last half hour of a busy day at work
the last half an hour of a long drive
you so want to
short cut on that food prep, no one will know
not fill and smooth that bit in the corner no one will see
not dig the last bit round the back where no one sees
bunk of early, the boss isnt here
put your foot down, and spped no one will know
see its hard now, cos I will know!
I have to live with myself
Its the not giving into the instant gratification
and the not giving up at the last minute
its the just keep on keeping on
til your done (this bit)
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them. P84
Its finishing off the preparation
completing of the work
the preparation
that no-one sees
the egoles preparation
unglorified
misunderstood by many
why the hell I dont have a life!?
this is my life and its excellent
and instantly yeh at times I would want it
all done
but long termly, i want to work for this stuff
Put in the action required
no instant gratification
instant gratification
is no good for my heart and bones
long term work
gets right in me bones
right to the heart of it
fearless and thorough
reminds me of the step 4 hours
and the at times 10 meetings a week
me and God
doing whats required
for me and my relationship with Him
blind faith or no faith at times
not knowing, just doing
just doing it anyway regardless
no-one did recovery for me
you did and do help and lighted the way
even when I had my eyes tight shut
my ears stayed open
I listen
essay writing and exam prep
no-one does the work for me
same old
put in the footwork
head down
no looking up
yes I am not perfect
this is me
Here I am
stop thinking
no projecting
shut up now
and just frikkin do it!
get it written!
and remember
"Worrying is all wasted energy,
time spent praying to the devil!"
The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. P164
Stop thinking and just do it!
The darkest hour is before the dawn
Its like the last bits to complete
of a big dinner party to prepare
the last bit of preparation
of a wall, skirting board
the last bit of the garden that finishes
the preparation off
the last half hour of a busy day at work
the last half an hour of a long drive
you so want to
short cut on that food prep, no one will know
not fill and smooth that bit in the corner no one will see
not dig the last bit round the back where no one sees
bunk of early, the boss isnt here
put your foot down, and spped no one will know
see its hard now, cos I will know!
I have to live with myself
Its the not giving into the instant gratification
and the not giving up at the last minute
its the just keep on keeping on
til your done (this bit)
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them. P84
Its finishing off the preparation
completing of the work
the preparation
that no-one sees
the egoles preparation
unglorified
misunderstood by many
why the hell I dont have a life!?
this is my life and its excellent
and instantly yeh at times I would want it
all done
but long termly, i want to work for this stuff
Put in the action required
no instant gratification
instant gratification
is no good for my heart and bones
long term work
gets right in me bones
right to the heart of it
fearless and thorough
reminds me of the step 4 hours
and the at times 10 meetings a week
me and God
doing whats required
for me and my relationship with Him
blind faith or no faith at times
not knowing, just doing
just doing it anyway regardless
no-one did recovery for me
you did and do help and lighted the way
even when I had my eyes tight shut
my ears stayed open
I listen
essay writing and exam prep
no-one does the work for me
same old
put in the footwork
head down
no looking up
yes I am not perfect
this is me
Here I am
stop thinking
no projecting
shut up now
and just frikkin do it!
get it written!
and remember
"Worrying is all wasted energy,
time spent praying to the devil!"
The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. P164
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Like clockwork - set your clock Johno - take responsibility from today
28 days ago
tuesday 28 days previous
3 months evidence is enough!
I have managed to get someones back up
amends have been made
I am not perfect at restraint of tongue and pen
though I do try
BUT I have not kept a check on my pmt
therefore I take a certain amount of reponsibility
even though I am aware of how destructive
my tongue and pen and keyboard
can be during this time
Flippin 'eck
the road gets narrower
when I know better
I really do have a responsibility
to do better!!!
The innocent deserve to be protected!
how much longer do I want to spend
taking my own inventory on this same old same old?
not much!!
then Do Not delay!
ok, enough analysis - THERE IS A SOLUTION!
Do I have a desire to stop all this
this randomness and lashing my keyboard/tongue/attitude
when I know damn well what causing it?
Yes I have a desire!
Take steps & hand it over to a power greater than me!
1. pmt screwing my thinking & my tongue & keyboard became unmanageable
2. do i believe it will make a diference if I diarise ? yes
3. Am I willing to diarise it and take responsibility
now I know what the solution is? yes
4. what is the root cause of all this? sloth and self will
I havent bothered & I think I can remember
5. I've told you & god
6. Am I willing to hand it over to the diary and do the right thing? or continue in the way I have been? yeh I want to change the things I can
7. Will I hand over all of me including my sloth and self will to God? yes
8. have I harmed anyone? yes
9. am I willing to make amends? yes I did already
10. will I continue to do this and if I dont, admit it? yeh ok!!
11. will I continue to seek out gods will in all areas and the power to carry it out? yes
12. Now I know how it works, will I pass it on, and practice these principles on all my difficulties in all my affairs? yes
I still have no desire... hmm when i was writing that I suddenly realised I am starting to have the desire to get in to work for 9am, cos I am theres abit of me that is wanting it and its growing. I am still praying twice a day for the willingness to change my attitude to 9am starts by the way. Both Monday and Today 9am starts!
There is no way anyone is going to convince me that praying doesnt work or there is no God!
The gifts of sobriety
progress not perfection
tuesday 28 days previous
3 months evidence is enough!
I have managed to get someones back up
amends have been made
I am not perfect at restraint of tongue and pen
though I do try
BUT I have not kept a check on my pmt
therefore I take a certain amount of reponsibility
even though I am aware of how destructive
my tongue and pen and keyboard
can be during this time
Flippin 'eck
the road gets narrower
when I know better
I really do have a responsibility
to do better!!!
The innocent deserve to be protected!
how much longer do I want to spend
taking my own inventory on this same old same old?
not much!!
then Do Not delay!
ok, enough analysis - THERE IS A SOLUTION!
Do I have a desire to stop all this
this randomness and lashing my keyboard/tongue/attitude
when I know damn well what causing it?
Yes I have a desire!
Take steps & hand it over to a power greater than me!
1. pmt screwing my thinking & my tongue & keyboard became unmanageable
2. do i believe it will make a diference if I diarise ? yes
3. Am I willing to diarise it and take responsibility
now I know what the solution is? yes
4. what is the root cause of all this? sloth and self will
I havent bothered & I think I can remember
5. I've told you & god
6. Am I willing to hand it over to the diary and do the right thing? or continue in the way I have been? yeh I want to change the things I can
7. Will I hand over all of me including my sloth and self will to God? yes
8. have I harmed anyone? yes
9. am I willing to make amends? yes I did already
10. will I continue to do this and if I dont, admit it? yeh ok!!
11. will I continue to seek out gods will in all areas and the power to carry it out? yes
12. Now I know how it works, will I pass it on, and practice these principles on all my difficulties in all my affairs? yes
I still have no desire... hmm when i was writing that I suddenly realised I am starting to have the desire to get in to work for 9am, cos I am theres abit of me that is wanting it and its growing. I am still praying twice a day for the willingness to change my attitude to 9am starts by the way. Both Monday and Today 9am starts!
There is no way anyone is going to convince me that praying doesnt work or there is no God!
The gifts of sobriety
progress not perfection
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Welcome back - Go say hello to...
Go say hello to Sui
Her honesty reminds me
that for many people
a drunk after a period of sobriety
doesnt just happen in a click of a finger
it happens over a period of time
of letting up on the suggestions
letting up on those same suggestions
that led us away from that first drink
and helped us to develop that
essential mental defense against the first drink
When I am feeling restless irritable and discontented
the problem is in me
do I have a checklist of what I need to be doing? Yes
Is there anything I am not doing? Yes
Well just do it then , without sulking..
If I dont know what to do
I ask someone that knows me better
if its about my head - that person is usually a Sponsor!
mine or someone elses!!
Thank you for your share
and stopping by
Welcome back :)
Keep coming back
We are ALL worth it
Her honesty reminds me
that for many people
a drunk after a period of sobriety
doesnt just happen in a click of a finger
it happens over a period of time
of letting up on the suggestions
letting up on those same suggestions
that led us away from that first drink
and helped us to develop that
essential mental defense against the first drink
When I am feeling restless irritable and discontented
the problem is in me
do I have a checklist of what I need to be doing? Yes
Is there anything I am not doing? Yes
Well just do it then , without sulking..
If I dont know what to do
I ask someone that knows me better
if its about my head - that person is usually a Sponsor!
mine or someone elses!!
Thank you for your share
and stopping by
Welcome back :)
Keep coming back
We are ALL worth it
Friday, April 25, 2008
Don't quit before the miracle
The module I am not clear about
had a really suprising twist last night
20% is on seminar participation
most of the marked seminars
I was completely wiped out
in the early weeks
in fear
going through the motions
one week
feeling the f*ckit button heavy
had answered I dont know
without even trying
i really couldnt be ass'd
exhausted mentally and physically
the rest of the time
I have done my best and turned up
even when I haven been able to do
all that was asked of me
I have tried
anylengths on any given day!!
marked 95% for seminar participation
hows that for encouragement
the "f*ckit" seminar
did not lose me 5%
it was the lowest and wasnt taken into account
I really have no idea how it works
and its probably a good idea that I dont
my marks got higher as the weeks went on
More evidence
put in the footwork let go of the outcome
anylengths is anylengths
it is not perfection
its anylength
They said keep turning up
do the work we set
if you havent done the work
turn up anyway
So I have and do
ok 3-4 weeks remaining
head down
no looking up
no listening to fear
no resting on laurels
no taking things too seriously
no doing anything destructive
listen to the instructions
and just f*ckin do it
and I did another
9am start
thats 3 this week
progress and a miracle at the same time!
ok i'm off to home group
have a fabulous weekend!
had a really suprising twist last night
20% is on seminar participation
most of the marked seminars
I was completely wiped out
in the early weeks
in fear
going through the motions
one week
feeling the f*ckit button heavy
had answered I dont know
without even trying
i really couldnt be ass'd
exhausted mentally and physically
the rest of the time
I have done my best and turned up
even when I haven been able to do
all that was asked of me
I have tried
anylengths on any given day!!
marked 95% for seminar participation
hows that for encouragement
the "f*ckit" seminar
did not lose me 5%
it was the lowest and wasnt taken into account
I really have no idea how it works
and its probably a good idea that I dont
my marks got higher as the weeks went on
More evidence
put in the footwork let go of the outcome
anylengths is anylengths
it is not perfection
its anylength
They said keep turning up
do the work we set
if you havent done the work
turn up anyway
So I have and do
ok 3-4 weeks remaining
head down
no looking up
no listening to fear
no resting on laurels
no taking things too seriously
no doing anything destructive
listen to the instructions
and just f*ckin do it
and I did another
9am start
thats 3 this week
progress and a miracle at the same time!
ok i'm off to home group
have a fabulous weekend!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Its all becoming clearer - more about study
one of the modules
seems to be fitting into place
buying a voice recorder
was the best buy
along with a bigger ipod
in the last 6 months or so
thanks y'awl fecker!
LISTENING how it all works
over and over
writing it out
LISTENING to this new language
in fear
and now finally HEARING the process
the stucture to follow
and the principles to apply
praise the Lord
i am hearing it spoken by others I trust
those that know better than me
who I understand now to be very imperfect
who get certain things very wrong
but who are definitly
guiding me in the right direction
I am now following their directions
learning how to structure a sentence
!? in English
how these words fit together
sound basic English stuff
but for me its a skill I am learning
painstakingly... its true
word by word
and how to reason it all
test it all out
no guess work
results based, evidence based
stick with the winners
in the broadest sense of the word
working out who my teachers are
in front of me
and past and present
yeh man
bring it on
i am getting excited again!
on one module
all sounds very familiar "rules/suggestions"
I learned in AA and the final suggestion
practice the principles in all your affairs
One module of two seems to be
coming clearer
the other is still a mare..
Rararara
its ALL exactly how its meant to be
its not over YET
if it all became clear at the same time
i THINK i MAY DIE OF SHOCK and cynicism
and I wouldnt believe it was truly clear
moi the eternal doubter
We had to register next years modules
this week, I thought i had done it wrong
contact the correct person
and was told to STOP WORRYING
are you suprised?
If you are approaching end of semester
Good luck, stop thinking now just 'uckin do it
follow the process
apparantly the words are all in there (ones head)
God will get them out in the right order
if i/we let him
still praying for a change in attitude to
9am start. 9.15am today
however I did notice
my chains were nothing to do with
the imaginary gestapo protecting the world
but tiredness from being up very late
doing homework
hmmm is this yet another
old idea I am going to have to let go of
for lack of evidence based
on from now onwards?
have I chaned without realising it?
could be...
praying anyway
Footballs off for me tomorrow
to many dropped out...
have to say
this week I am relieved
only as I am lacking in energy
self inflicted non gym attendance
for a while now
I actually am looking forward to
getting back down there and
picking up where I have let my self go
firming up what was once firm or firming up
prioritizing physical appearance
a little higher than I have been
internal and external nourishment
looking forward to all that
again :)
The lights are coming on
and I am at home
sanity restoring
who knows for how long
I am enjoying having it
for today
seems to be fitting into place
buying a voice recorder
was the best buy
along with a bigger ipod
in the last 6 months or so
thanks y'awl fecker!
LISTENING how it all works
over and over
writing it out
LISTENING to this new language
in fear
and now finally HEARING the process
the stucture to follow
and the principles to apply
praise the Lord
i am hearing it spoken by others I trust
those that know better than me
who I understand now to be very imperfect
who get certain things very wrong
but who are definitly
guiding me in the right direction
I am now following their directions
learning how to structure a sentence
!? in English
how these words fit together
sound basic English stuff
but for me its a skill I am learning
painstakingly... its true
word by word
and how to reason it all
test it all out
no guess work
results based, evidence based
stick with the winners
in the broadest sense of the word
working out who my teachers are
in front of me
and past and present
yeh man
bring it on
i am getting excited again!
on one module
all sounds very familiar "rules/suggestions"
I learned in AA and the final suggestion
practice the principles in all your affairs
One module of two seems to be
coming clearer
the other is still a mare..
Rararara
its ALL exactly how its meant to be
its not over YET
if it all became clear at the same time
i THINK i MAY DIE OF SHOCK and cynicism
and I wouldnt believe it was truly clear
moi the eternal doubter
We had to register next years modules
this week, I thought i had done it wrong
contact the correct person
and was told to STOP WORRYING
are you suprised?
If you are approaching end of semester
Good luck, stop thinking now just 'uckin do it
follow the process
apparantly the words are all in there (ones head)
God will get them out in the right order
if i/we let him
still praying for a change in attitude to
9am start. 9.15am today
however I did notice
my chains were nothing to do with
the imaginary gestapo protecting the world
but tiredness from being up very late
doing homework
hmmm is this yet another
old idea I am going to have to let go of
for lack of evidence based
on from now onwards?
have I chaned without realising it?
could be...
praying anyway
Footballs off for me tomorrow
to many dropped out...
have to say
this week I am relieved
only as I am lacking in energy
self inflicted non gym attendance
for a while now
I actually am looking forward to
getting back down there and
picking up where I have let my self go
firming up what was once firm or firming up
prioritizing physical appearance
a little higher than I have been
internal and external nourishment
looking forward to all that
again :)
The lights are coming on
and I am at home
sanity restoring
who knows for how long
I am enjoying having it
for today
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I wish I had self restraint on blogging
when I get the cahnce I do it
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad
Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory
said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me
said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to
Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him
said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me
also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt
either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself
he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him
Time to let go now
and
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple
I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed
Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?
Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!
study as you can
not as you cant!
Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
whatever
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...
I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad
Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory
said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me
said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to
Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him
said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me
also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt
either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself
he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him
Time to let go now
and
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple
I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed
Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?
Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!
study as you can
not as you cant!
Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
whatever
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...
I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God
Monday, April 21, 2008
Never underestimate the power of prayer...
I have prayed the last few days
for the willingness to change my attitude
to 9am starts... thats all
I went to bed last night around 1am
I woke up around 5am...
Restless, irritable about being awake
Layed there and wondered what was going on!
Of course if I only have 4 hours sleep
the day will be not be easy will it?
Who says? How do I know?
Why don't you go to an early meeting
seeing as you are awake..
wake up in the meeting
I layed in bed thinking
why am I laying in bed thinking
this sounds like a good idea
infact it makes perfect sense
TODAY
So I did
I got to the station
2 hours earlier than I usually do
this felt really weird
I couldnt work out
why 2 hours?
whe I was on my way to an hour meeting
how would that work?
well because I am normally about 1/2 late for work
for a start
Arrived at the meeting
scared... why?
Its like a small victory
the anticipation whats it like
the mythical morning meetings
which have been so out of reach
for 4.5 years
Today I got there early
Heard some amazing shares
exactly what I needed to hear
good cuppa tea
a laugh
and some real grounding stuff
start the day of with likeminded people
collected a newcomers phone number
And got in to work at 8.45am
Its not rocket science is it?
Although I was scared to go into work
what will they say, think of me?
thats me "the great me"
felt like hanging around til nearer 9am
so they didnt get apiece of me
insane or what!!!
like I was being thrown to the wolves
FEAR really is so destructive to progress
Anyway I didnt listen to it...
This morning I listened to God
Thought as little as possible
and kept doing the next right thing
which God kept putting in my head
First thought after getting in the building
Well i've done it now
relax...
NO see this is where many people inc myself
fall down
Its about continue and improve
Yeh i've done my once a week
but my ideal is most or even everyday
So I will continue to pray twice a day
for the willingness to change my attitude
to 9am starts
for the reminder of the 2 weeks
and see what happens
for the willingness to change my attitude
to 9am starts... thats all
I went to bed last night around 1am
I woke up around 5am...
Restless, irritable about being awake
Layed there and wondered what was going on!
Of course if I only have 4 hours sleep
the day will be not be easy will it?
Who says? How do I know?
Why don't you go to an early meeting
seeing as you are awake..
wake up in the meeting
I layed in bed thinking
why am I laying in bed thinking
this sounds like a good idea
infact it makes perfect sense
TODAY
So I did
I got to the station
2 hours earlier than I usually do
this felt really weird
I couldnt work out
why 2 hours?
whe I was on my way to an hour meeting
how would that work?
well because I am normally about 1/2 late for work
for a start
Arrived at the meeting
scared... why?
Its like a small victory
the anticipation whats it like
the mythical morning meetings
which have been so out of reach
for 4.5 years
Today I got there early
Heard some amazing shares
exactly what I needed to hear
good cuppa tea
a laugh
and some real grounding stuff
start the day of with likeminded people
collected a newcomers phone number
And got in to work at 8.45am
Its not rocket science is it?
Although I was scared to go into work
what will they say, think of me?
thats me "the great me"
felt like hanging around til nearer 9am
so they didnt get apiece of me
insane or what!!!
like I was being thrown to the wolves
FEAR really is so destructive to progress
Anyway I didnt listen to it...
This morning I listened to God
Thought as little as possible
and kept doing the next right thing
which God kept putting in my head
First thought after getting in the building
Well i've done it now
relax...
NO see this is where many people inc myself
fall down
Its about continue and improve
Yeh i've done my once a week
but my ideal is most or even everyday
So I will continue to pray twice a day
for the willingness to change my attitude
to 9am starts
for the reminder of the 2 weeks
and see what happens
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