.... must believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. Dr's Opinion

Fear and Love do not live in the same moment
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life

I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me

I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me

I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around

the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths

I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!

Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games



This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!

Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God

Its true

Asked sponsor for help
she knows and I know
This programme works
she wouldnt tell me!
she knows I know!
I know
how do I know
because I have tried over and over
and the transformation in me
is enough evidence
yet
i doubt!
so when I dont get what I want
from a human I trust
I know its time to pray
and trust God who gives me everything I want
and a glimpse into consequences and all
just before I make choices
inventory regularly
is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given
as is prayer
and the willingness to get honest
to self another and God
regardless

pray
take inventory
pray
help newcomers
anylengths
stop self obsession
turn attention to usefulness
ask God to help you if you cant
get out of your head
it took some drastic action
and felt like ripping elastoplast off my whole body
but I feel a sense of freedom from
the bondage of self

Take inventory
pray for the people on it THEY ARE SICK TOO (like me)
pray for the defects to be removed
ask for forgiveness
ask what corrective measures need to be made
pray for the power to carry it out
and go to any lengths

it will stop the scheming
it will stop the self obsession
it will move you into becoming
something unrecognisable at times
but very much better than you were!

you will be amazed before you are half way through
the week

I am

Grateful

I want that complete trust
that restraint
i have to be willing to trust aswell
or it dont work
i am

no steps no change no sober (old timer stuart)
no change no peace
no stillness no peace
no god no peace
know god know peace (someonelses words)

Hand in Hand with Fear and Pride

Aswell as getting on with it
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!

Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway

yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..

step 10's

Final 2008 performance review at work

Highly effective
including a hiccup...
took action to resolve them
overall result...

highly effective
maintained ALL year!!

Programme works!

5 years ago...
i was on a manage me out
programme for poor performance..

In Gods time
with Gods help
practicing the principles
good sponsorship
prayer
and willingness

acceptance
courage
wisdom

At times I have no idea how to behave

and today was one of them...
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares

today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!

snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was

its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate

see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...

came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me

restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more

pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear

please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others

powerless
and grateful