Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!