12 years

Today I am 12
Higher Power
Fellowship
Steps
Willingness
Anylengths
Grateful

Say it

After the resentment
After the anger
Just get it past your teeth
Let go of the outcome
Don't be silenced
No one has the right to the power
To stop me being me
Don't join in the lie
Or the Truth

Bread of Life

Baking bread
has always been something
someone else did
complicated
hit and miss
a faff with ingredients
need a breadmaker
why bother
I don't eat that  much bread
The other week
I ate soda bread made with love
made with sharing in mind
it was so tasty
so easy she said
I went home
had a go
and it was strange
and I almost gave up hope
But then instead of trying
it with different flour
which she had also given me instructions for
I bought the same flour
which she had used
and a different make of buttermilk
and the result was astonishing
added raisins and sultanas
tasted yummy
and I ate it all over a period of a week
no after effects as with bought bread
no matter how 'posh'
always after effects
Something new to learn
and get excited about
I shared it this week
and they said it was tasty
I have the ingredients to give it a go again
different extras this time
Rosemary and Olives
So easy
no proving required !!
Bread of Life

Disunity Kills

Today I wept for lack of unity
Today my values were overruled
Today I feel powerless
Today I feel silenced
Today my voice for the voiceless was shut down
Today my efforts to rebalance an imbalance was destroyed
Today I feel like quitting again
Today the differences are unacceptable
Today I feel the spiritual kick which others will feel later
Today I feel hurt
Today I fear the hurt others will feel
Today I feel we could have done better together
Today we could have put on a united front
Today we could have helped the cause
Today we prepare for tomorrow
Today can make a difference for tomorrow
Today I wept in disbelief at shortsightedness
Today I wept at selfishness
Today I wept at couldn't carelessness
Today I wept at perceived consequences
Today I feel physically sick
Today I feel angry
Today I feel afraid
Today I wept for others
Today I wept for myself
Today I wept for unknowns
Today I wept for bloodymindedness
Today I wept for evil streaks
Today I wept for Spiritual Warfare
Today I wept for spiritual sickness
Today I wept for the unnecessaryness of it all
Today I wept because I don't understand
Today I wept because I get no answers
Today I wept I believe through the eyes of our maker

Tracks

When you are driven
by something
that you can't explain
which fills your within
and colours all your without
you just have to do it
FullFillment even for a second

Woman and 4 camels
walk across Australia
nature showed no mercy
nature just was

It was what it was
a long trek
which she did not know
exactly what would happen

people just came and took photos
she eventually was hounded by them
a journalist
eventually got her drift

At one with the elements
even if the elements
would destroy
and give life

Whatever happened
have sufficient
water and shelter
and keep walking

How much more formal education is enough?

When I think of how many years I have left
in 'work' I have to ask
do I really want to spend them
writing essays
to obtain qualifications?

I certainly know that educarion
Boosts confidence
that I am on the right tracks
Gives a richness to what I do

Which way to go... next
The path has 3 strands to it,,,
I feel like I am running out of time
here on earth

Trust... walk on
Trust that nothing goes to waste
trust... and let go of the outcome

             

keeping on

Its all abit different these days
A new freedom has come upon me
In the last month or so
another layer off the onion

God has led me into the desert
And the temptations have been upon me
The Spiritual Tool kit works
in extreme's

I've been to the edge
and there was no drink to be seen
no drink to get drunk on
just the edge and two choices

which is the most dangerous
at the edge with no drink
or at the edge with a drink to get drunk on
three choices

unfamiliar territory
in God land
had now become familiar
time to enjoy

relationships
its all about
relationships
communication
understanding

and hills
which hills to climb
which hills to climb and knowingly be slain on
which to climb in search of the promised land

Sober and grateful
time to find and maintain
the gratitude
smile and enjoy life

I can not be as serious as
2014/2015
bring back the uncontrollable laughter
in amongst lifes challenges

Half alive is not an option any more
Right size the fire extinguishers
Keep on asking, waiting, listening and doing
Just 'kin do it

Sunshine

Today the sun is shining
And I am working inside
I can see the sea
and the sun is warm on my body

Help me relax into
working at home
and not clamour for the outside
Sunshine

Help me not resent
that I am working
while its sunny
and enjoy what is

Help me enjoy
the blessings
notice and seek out
the blessings
in everything again

Help me see more blessings
in everything
I seem to have become
lost the ability to hold onto gratitude
and for it to penetrate deeper
than a few seconds

Fool on the Hill

Love stripped back down leaves Love

Love
Is Ripping off the layers
obedience
i'm left with
unaswered
questions
unasked
questions
chained
by the
unknown
unsaid
melody
of
love

All I want is you

Social Occasions

So we're getting round to that time of year again.

Hidden booze in food particularly puddings.

Picture this... some long time sober folk & others

who have no idea we are.

 

Rely on one alky who said this pud is fine.

It comes and after two two tastes sense says its

laced with something.

 

One gets up confirms its boozy and

changed it for icecream,

two carry on eating it knowing its laced

with bacardi & rum.

 

One says i cant taste it,

just tastes like fruity,

other says i have this everytime i come here.

As time goes on...

Some people can do this with impunity,

some will mess with their heads.

Its your recovery,

its your life.

Alcoholism is cunning baffling powerful.
...

Be careful.

For some to eat it is the beginning

of the road back to the bottle.

for some to drink is to die.

Dont snooze and lose

Well known stats
show that many people
drink after Christmas
after new year

There is no need to drink
Go to meetings
help others
stay honest

dont drink
go to meetings

pick up the phone
before you pick up a drink

Pray for a sober day
thank HP for a sober day

write a gratitude list

read the big book

pick something from the
Just for today card
and do it
each day

start your day again

go to a meeting

Honesty - to thine own self be true

Christmas day

Consistently

Confuses me

I am confused

Consistently

Christmas day

Drinking

Sober

Doing service

With family

With AA's

In meetings

Home alone

Without faith

With faith

feeling the christmas meaning

Not feeling the Christmas meaning

I have been celebrating

And understanding

The light of the world

Coming through advent

And feeling it

Yet today

I feel like the party is over

Anti climax

Christmas day

Is about service

It has been for a

Number of years now

Yet over the years

That picture of

Christmas day service

Has changed considerably

This year i feel a chapter

Closing and the next one

Is not yet in sight

It has always been

A feeling of

A waste of a day

For as long back as

I remember

in sobriety

a need to

Find something to do

Attitude of service

Today has confirmed it

Organised service

Something i can

Plug into

We

Self seeking ?

Yes i need to do service

Otherwise i

Reminisce about

A happy christmas

I dont remember

Having

Cant quite see the

Truth from the fiction

On that one

And dream of creating

A christmas for others

Which i could plug into

And actually help

Create the fellowship

I crave

Learn to Learn then Learn to Teach

learning how to learn
was invaluable at uni a few years ago
peaks and troughs
breaks
running with it for hours
and accepting nothings going in at certain times

it began with learning to read the big book
read it and keep reading even though
I think its not going in...
and being suprised when eventually
it starts to seep out
incoherently and then coherently
wanting it and working for it...

yet now its another area
or is it two at the same time
I have had an insight
a vision for me if you would
and now its my job
to work towards it
sometimes quickly sometimes slowly

now i am learning how to teach
learning how to lead
learning how to sing
and learning how to study
and learning how to preach
and learning how to play
and learning how to accept who I am
and learning how to accept
the person I am becoming

sexuality

you knew all along
i'm afraid to speak
denying who I am
yet You say I can feel
you say You want me to feel
yet why do I find it so hard
to let go and be completely free
and say how it is
when you know all along
because you feel like this too
in this position I choose
yet so unsure what I can say
finding appropriate intimacy
in touch with my sexuality
we go our separate ways
no regrets
we are all children of God
knitted together
in imperfect perfectness
finding a second soul
who is unafraid
self control
coming at it with need
coming at it whilst running away
coming at it whilst finding yourself
amongst the debris of your life
intimacy with boundaries
love in its purest form
dont make it into something
it is not
or that it cannot be
not with me
our needs are not the same today
with the choices we made separately
trust that Love is
the Greatest Power on the earth
in Love we can be free
finding and feeling my sexuality
stepping backwards denying who I am
yet stepping into it with grace
trusting timing
idolatory sexuality
mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmm
mission in this life
to be free to serve others
yet stuck inside and stuck outside
where is the common ground
where is the point of need
finding the point of need to meet
to know God, not left wondering
to make a choice
to know or not
investigate or not
the rooms are so empty
the doors have been closed for so long
exclusion was too easy
a few verses
spoken without Love
slammed the doors shut
slammed the doors shut
leaving the outside out and the inside in
uncomfortable
in the uncomfortable zone
of no common ground
Spirit show us how we do this now

must be a song i there somewhere.... :)

... Honesty .... Honestly

its not just newcomers
Its old timers aswell
Destroyed without picking up a drink
AA is not a dating agency
AA is not a cure
12 steps are not just something to
Read and understand
This way of life is not a theory
We have to live it

Watching and listening
How co dependency
Or the belief that human power
Can relieve alcoholism
And the breaking of anonimity
And sexual obsession
weaves its threads
And eats away at whats been built

Sadly it reflects the importance
Of continue to be honest
Maintain
And grow
Change
In all our life areas
Dont just stop when alcohol
Obsession stops
We can be better in all areas

8 years sober !!!

Very grateful...

Open mind open heart

Spent last week living in a field
2nd year running
amazing singing/voice camp

This year beautiful Devon sun
Plungepool in the Holy brook
Compost loos
Bucket hot showers
cooking for each other
Campfire
Organic food
15 beautiful racehorses regularly playing
Thundering up and down the next field
Makes yr hair stand on end
Good friends
Face painting
Harmony singing
Chanting
Busking
Blues
Poetry

amazing creative
Inspiring
Encouraging

So safe you have to do something
Taking a risk becomes the thing to do

all obstacles are removed
No excuses

Writing 15 songs since
Learning how to write a song
last camp
This year became more
About performing them live
Singing and playing
Live infront of the other 89
Singers, non singers,musicians,
Children, friends, teachers
Such a fab environment

Seems my path is taking 2 strands
At the moment
Faith and singing, songwriting, performing
Its also about teaching others

I need to be taught how to....

Can feel it will all come together at somepoint
But not sure how
Yet its exciting
All the preparation

Just found out there is one place left on a leaders
Singing workshop its beem suggested i go on

Creating community choir,
accessible for all
Nothing to do with church singing
Everyone can sing,
No need to read music
if you can speak you can sing :-)

If you told be 13 months ago i would be doing
All this id have said yr bonkers!

Oh well
Openmind
Opem heart
Anylengths
Having fun :-)

Missing camp!!

DIY Doctors

Had a wisdom tooth out this week
so many people telling me
all the dramatic stories
some it would be a cinch
then which pills to take
before and after
thank God I just listen and do
what the experts tell me thesedays
it works

I was in there for nearly 45 minutes
he couldnt get hold of it cos it
had rotted
and so had to dig deep and lever it
then a root broke
so had to re dig and lever it out

metal implements stretching my mouth
til I thought it was going to rip
I had visions of him having to restitch
my lip up after....

Have so much respect for those who give birth
I have no idea what its like
yet having him force this tooth out
when it really didnt want to budge

am now very chipmonk like
on oneside and cannot open mouth
to even get a spoon in
so food intake is limited

I wish I could enjoy the time off work!
Birthday tmoro....
I cant even enjoy the cakes I would buy...!

also has a smear test today!
again not sure which is worse
smear or tooth out!
tooth out I think...
yet it took a while
to work out which implement
always does
nurse sang halleluiah when she hit jackpot

3 yearly smear test
:) regardless...
comes with being responsible

yet teeth
can do better
this is the only trouble I had since a child
so im grateful
yet i act ungraciously
need to clean teeth more
no more getting away with it

So yeh wisdom tooth extraction
beyond my wildest nightmare
but glad its out
just waiting on mouth to recover

grateful to the dentist
for persevering, kindness and skill

grateful for the nurse today
for persevering, kindness, skill and humour

Think thats my bodies MOT & service
done for a while :)