Hand in Hand

Learning to be honest
accepting i have been dishonest, holding back stuff
getting honest took courage

Today I am grateful for
praying for guidance on sponsorship
getting a phone call from someone who knows better than i
getting bathed
eating breakfast
doing an early meeting
doing some washing
not getting a resentment because the shops had run out of milk
not getting a resentment that another shop i needed was closed
having another meeting to go to

going to the meeting even though I would be late
not sitting at the back, getting in the middle of the row
for the woman stood next to me that asked me am i ok?
for my ability to say no & showing my pain
for the newcomer that asked if i was ok
for my ability to say tearful but going for coffee to chat about it
for not passing on my drama to someone who "may" not be able to handle it
for not running off after the meeting

for accepting the friendly womans offer to go for coffee
for not getting drawn into going to her house, keeping to a cafe
for allowing my tears
for listening to her
for "Rejection is Gods protection"
for allowing me to take a new word and apply it to summarise my feelings "Rejected"
for still having a manageable amount of self pity
for the love i was receiving
for it penetrating through in bits
for accepting what i have been is co-dependent
for her suggestions re Letting go
for her sharing her stuff around her son rejecting her
for this non judgemental people that i am surrounding myself with
for staying in the present, staying focussed
for leaving with a clear direction what i was gonna do next
for leaving with no fear of the future
for saying out loud the best is yet to come

for taking a long walk to my spiritual place
for seeing a pelican close up
for the beautiful sunny day
for the warmth in my bones
for the background music from Jaguar in the bandstand
remembering time here with my mum last year
a "god moment" she texted me while was lying there
for the squirrels
for the birds
for the water
for Mother Nature, she heals me gently
for having a kip in the sun

for going to a different meeting openminded
for getting another word which summarises my feelings "abandoned"

for getting a call back from one of my "help" messages left yesterday
for the suggestion of doing step10 around me and my sponsor
for the suggestions around step8
for seeing that i felt disloyal by getting resentful
for seeing thats all part of the co-dependency
for taking advice from someone who knows better
for my fear of this person being lifted
for me being able to take advice (i have no choice if i want to get restored to sanity)
for having a conversation about being let go without crying
for allowing the healing process to take place

for making a decision to stay for the next meeting
for replying to a text with honesty, experience strength & hope
for a "God moment" when the author of the text appeared at the meeting
for having a laugh
for "And acceptance is the answer" being read out
for God doing for me what i could do for myself ie read the passage myself
for the newcomer who shared about inability to cry, expectations around sponsorship, not accepting that a sponsor wasnt there to treat all problems, just to take the sponsee through AAs 12steps, and thinking about suicide
for the mirror that was just put in front of me
for seeing i am not there, because i didnt listen to my old thinking yesterday
for my friend knowing the newcomer
for talking after the meeting
for the similarities

for staying for the next meeting
for feeling my whole empty out
for knowing for me the solution was to share gratitude & hope, blow the fear off the planet
for asking god to help me share his will
for getting picked to share
for not hanging around to chat again, letting go

going to another meeting because i wasnt sure if i was done
not sharing in the meeting, and sharing after appropriately
for knowing i was hungry & tired & coming home

for being sober, alive, with hope, being part of
for the suggestions
for newcomers
for being teachable
for my willingness to grow
for the grace of God
for the dignity i have today
for getting home safe
for the good programme & spiritual tools my sponsor passed on to me
for seeing the programme is working, it was just our relationship that wasnt
seeing my sponsor as just another alky, not a Guru, God etc
hearing other people today who also have what i want
for having glimpses of what i dont want next time
for having glimpses of what i do
for seeing what i could possibly have
for being grateful
for having a level of acceptance
having a reasonable level of comfortableness to sleep with
for having a loving God
for not having the suffering thats going on overseas
for remembering the fork