Action

have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on

Light of the world you stepped down into darkness

God
You're altogether wonderful to me



Light of the world - Tim Hughes
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that You're my God

You're altogether lovely

Altogether worthy

Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor


I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross


I loved this song since I heard
it on Alpha nearly 3 years ago
it touched me
that God has been nothing but lovely
wonderful to me in the last 3 years
since I turned towards Him
and made considerable efforts to
be obedient
disciplined
pray and do Gods will
no matter what

this year has been a challenge
I have had some amazing things
to do
and I have tried to follow
the calling
where my prayers have led me

Time to find some gratitude
at last...

I am grateful for
being sober for all this time
being healthy
eyesight
hearing
touch
sense of smell
that God is a living part of my life
that I am a living part in Gods life
the sunrises
the sea
family
friends
fellows
colleagues
this house
having been given a local community
being by the sea
being in the country
being able to walk
my bike
meetings
love
laughter
tears of joy
candles
christmas lights
children
song
music
the stars
heating
water hot and cold
technology
trains
willingness
a good heart
gratitude lists to help me get over myself

and i went to a carol service

spent time in home group
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...

Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!

I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i

went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now

I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief

its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?

I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth

I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart

How long will

Johno
Be still and know that I am God

what?

Be still and dont worry...

and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying



Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!

We had our Christmas Party tonight at work

I have NEVER seen so much FREE
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!

arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere

I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!

Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...

yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
mumbling
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through

after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building

Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers

I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...

So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
NOPE!
and listening to the question
am I sure?
YES!

Are you?

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new onesP31

Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic

And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418

So I took inventory

and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
manipulatve
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
arrogant
judgemental
the lazy one wotsit called?
lustful
impatient
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth

it must be something else..

it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope

Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...



chickychahchickychahchicklchakchakchakchakkyabowbowwow

henriffic!

i'm off to dust some skirting boards

yet wishing it were different

I want to study
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
reading
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL

Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again

I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!

yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!

perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis

ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS

is this for real? yes
in whose name?


faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Home is where the heart is

and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
surrendering
giving up
letting go
avoiding
procrastinating
unwillingness

perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference

praying
reading & meditation
improving conscious contact

The answers will come

this weekend

I went to two meetings
did a chair
took some numbers
went a huge bus ride with my bike
to get it fixed and learn abit about
bike mainetenance
then biked back home... a long way
for me anyway
an enlightening journey
that what i figured was a long way away
isnt really
also found
lots of shops and other places
I will need over the next 5 years or so

See I am thinking long term
I will be here long term
so eyeballing everything
taking it all into the library
and will call upon as and when required

Got hints and tips on certain jobs around the house
and got the equipment
if it doesnt work this time
I will call in an expert
and her guess what
i fixed it this morning!
a relief in so many ways
and a boost that I not have the right tools
for a job which may come up again
and I can lend others
its not something that happens often
so the tools will sit

Rome was not built in a day
and I keep reminding myself
that I dont have to buy this
or do that right now
there is plenty of time
needs not wants
yet this house seems to have
one thing after the other
I am not sure how the previous owners
lived like this before!
its bizarre!

Today on the way to church
I saw a robin for the first time
in years in just by the path
On the way home a fox and I stood watching
each other for ages
then he turned away
I walked further and he lay
washing himself in the sunlight
its clear blue sky
and sunlight is golden
the paths are very frosts
and slippy in places
though crisp and even!
and the field behind me is no longer
soil, it has a green covering on it
which is white in the morning
I ate lunch at church
in fellowship

Today I feel at peace

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow



And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

I know that He will find me ...

Dougie Maclean - she will find me


Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Although I an running recklessly
I know that He will find me

sometimes we search to deep
thats when the darkness feeds our fear
we turn away from one and another
just incase we get to near

I know that He will find me
even though i hiding with the shadows that I chase
even though I am running blindly
I know that He will find me

Its time to stop running
backing off
and stand still
see what happens
turn towards
face the light
open eyes
head up
walk on

:)

enough now
time for some action
am I serious or not
I had to prove by action I was serious about recovery
action meant written work!
I have to prove I am serious about improving my conscious contact

If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

i have

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. p68

i will

somethings happened
a spiritual experience
somethings starting to feel
like its penetrating
where it needs to be
in my heart
its taking time
and willingness
and much pain
the battle inside me
is massive
and much turmoil
big storm
and I am being
tossed around
though
I feel a strength
a powerful hand of God
there
here
every time I get struck
from onside or another
somehow
somehow
the flimsy reed i imagined it was
is really all powerful
3 dimensional
4th dimensional even!
always is
i know
i feel
i love

you know I dont think I have cried
as much as I have this year
its exhausting
but must be necessary
or i would hold back
and resist!
I cant any more
it just comes
am powerless
crying most weeks
not every day
challenges
changes
the truth
coming up left right and centre
too hard to keep track of

Last night I let go
absolutely
today I changed
or is it really
today I came to accept
came to believe
what you already know to be true

ok i'm off to read
show willing

Chris Cornell - I found him tonight...

Chris Cornell - You got to hide your love away (Beatles)


here's more

and more

Love the acoustic

Heating somehow fixed itself!?

had to turn it off
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!

ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in

you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see

feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!

reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
continue
improve
pass it on..

as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder

For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises
:)

Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...

I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been

Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows

Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though

I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of

yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff

also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it

Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up

Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely

This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck

I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves

ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens

yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming

God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you

ok...ok
I love You too

Motives - Perseverence - Obedience

Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.p27

Motives
Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
who
what
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will

Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain
perseverence

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85

I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over

I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
motives
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say

I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven
obedience

giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness

God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!



Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!

Accountability
I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people

Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power

well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway

Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required

God show me what you want me to do...

Sometimes All I need is the air that I breathe...

Hollies
If I could make a wish I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat no books to read
Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside
What more could I ask
There's nothing left to be desired

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
Just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Peace came upon me and it breathes in me
Don't sleep silent angel don't you sleep

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
...................

Grateful
for fresh air
sea breeze
peace
willingness
love
and tolerence
bright blue eyes
what I have
the air that I breathe

Let go and let God - Lighten up - step 3

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133
(bus 133 used to take me home
from London Bridge ;)

feeling better again
sense of humour resuming THANK FRIKKIN GOD FOR THAT!
fear gone!
I dont know what I dont know
and whilst I project
I am missing out on the present moment
which is actually very good
I am working with another
a winner! and he is showing me
how we can work together
I feel like I have some
clear direction at last at work
my primary purpose?
to be of maximum helpfulness
WHATEVER MY ROLE!
volunteer not victim

I am still lacking on working with
other alkies
I am not really sure what the impact on this is having
how would I know!
Misery is optional...
my recent miserableness
could be put down to my lack of prayer and regular inventory
and lots of self will and fear!
would working with newcomers have helped
of course!

We make our own misery
... last as long as we like
I guess I dragged it out longer than
I actually could have done
... or could I?!

Sober and with direction
and a semblence of peace

The critical point - is merely a jumping of point - a turning point

its the point where I turn away
or its the point where I turn towards
its the point where I ask for help
its the point to choose
its the point to accept spiritual help
its the point of surrender
its the point of no return
its the point of keeping on
its the point where faith is required
its the point where I hear its the pits
AND its the point where I hear the voices
in my head of AA's in meetings
over the last 5 years saying
dont quit before the miracle
its the point where I hear its falling to pieces
and I hear keep it in the day
its the point where I lose all hope of happiness
and its the point where I know because
I heard you say in meeting this too shall pass
Its the point where I THINK I cant do this any more
and its the point where I hear you saying
keep on keeping on
its the point where my old ideas have availed me nothing
and its the point where I hear you say
read step 3 take inventory and pray
its the point where I THINK i dont have a choice
and its the point where I have a choices
its the point where I think no one cant help or understand
its the point where I turn my difficulty over to God
its the point where I am on my knees
and its the point where I am lifted up
its the point where a am powerless
and its the point where I seek the all Powerful
Its the point where I realise the truth
its the point when I realise that I am nothing
without God
When I realise and feel that
Thats the point when I feel Love
Its that point where a spiritual experience occurs
thats the point when I feel the sunlight and grow
Its that point where You show me a garden thats bursting into life

2 minutes 11 & 12 seconds is the moment
blink and you miss it!


I am grateful
I am sober
I have not self harmed
I have been able to cry lots recently
That I have been able to say how I feel
that I accepted somethings not working
and have put myself entirely in Gods hands
that I feel a sense of freedom
inspite of the ever underlying fear
that I feel more peaceful
that I have continued
that I have emptied quite a few boxes today
that I have painted some walls
that I have hung washing out on my line
that I have feel good watching it blow in the wind
that I enjoy nature and what she brings me free
that I am alive to experience it all
that I notice which are the voices of doom and turn away
that I have an absolute faith
that I eventually remember to surrender aswell as pray
that I have a design for living that works
even in rough going p15 & P28
I am grateful you passed it on
I am grateful I was there to hear it

First Things First

Everything I put in front
of my recovery
I will Lose
Fact

Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose
Fact

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98

I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane

I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could

I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble

My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!

I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me

First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term

How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide

U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!


Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!

Solution?
Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them
Service

Grateful
that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you