Defective, Flawed, Imperfect, Faulty, Sinner

all describe me
I am not a saint
never will be... in my living years

ALL humans are imperfect
we are what we are
I yam what I yam

We claim spiritual progress rather than
spiritual perfection

Another year over

another good year
infact its been one of the best
exceptional

am away now to here
until Tuesday and then
back to the UK
so if i dont get on line
I will do some reflecting
on whats been happening this year

Have an excellent new years eve
however yoy spend it

Its really been great
getting back on the blog this year

You guys
inspire, encourage
love and tolerate
me

friends are wonderful

keep on, you are amazing!!

love ya's

...til we meet again

johno xx

Powerless over alcohol
But no longer sick!

Happy new year

Christmas - creation of life - awakening

Twas the night before Christmas
We went out for some "traditional Christmas" Sushi
Twice now I have given it a go
It just doesnt grab me
so am giving up on the sushi
Was well imppressed though when the
vegetarian stuff came round
and then the puddings...


Morning has broken

we have NO speakers
so I am trusting You Tube
is giving us Cat Stevens
and one of his finest

My Gift to You
enjoy your eating, coffee, essays, slobbing out
or whatever you do
have relax, have fun and do it safely

ps have you ever tried having one just ONE After Eight Mint?

Attitude of Gratitude

Theres something about plugging in
whether it be 12 bloggers
11 people on a meeting
10th steps... no am not going to go on
It brings out an change of attitude

reading the big book especially
brings out my gratitude

I am gratful for
praying in the car
praying in the bank
praying outside
praying like my life depends on it
cos it does
praying cos its helpful FULLSTOP
being willing
step 10's that show me the TRUTH
letting god steer
the suns shining
washings done
the pools clear
having a pool
we ARE lucky
yellow birds
alcohol free fruit mince pies
kids are happy and healthy
brothers relaxed
I am sober
Enough food to fill the fridge
we ARE lucky
finding some barbie pink and fluffy crackers
we ARE lucky
filling up my ipod
the sun
going on holiday on wednesday
being loved
loving
making an attempt at letting go
and trusting God has a plan
and its not my business
to twiddle and look to closely
or question to hard

I just got to get outer bed
pray
shower and have breakfast
turn up each day and see what happens

As for alcohol
there is no cure
only a daily reprieve
hang around if you like
just for today
I choose not to

Have a fun and safe next couple of days

Resentment is the number one offender.
It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.P64

Love ya's Johno

Self will or Gods will - together or apart

the last post I wrote for me
to remind me
I do not drink safely atall
DO NOT DEBATE IT

the more I head out of the rooms
and behave ? normal
the more family/friends drink in their normal way
ie the champagne has been out since
11am along with beer and wine last few days
and whisky and other stuff
swimming in the pool and then
a trip down the shop,,, in the car
for food supplies
this is normal holiday routines

no they dont want me to drive
so much to let go of
yeh I want him to just be himself
I feel good that they drink what they want
when they want...
without thinking about me

I got jealous this weekend
thats all
Alcohol got interesting

BUT they talk sh*t when they are drunk
two nights running hear the same things
I cant do this, well I can
but it bores the hell out of me
sex, women, gossip and gadgets

am jealous! of that... see what defects
Listening to my head, gets me
full of self pity
its dishonest too
The weathers great
tans coming on fine
absolutely should be relaxing
am me am obsessing about what I am missing out on
and how I want to read for my xam in january
andwhy I cant pick up emails.... well one in particular
its all about me and my self seeking

Pride... what will people this of me if I drink?
Fear yeh I see how cunning and baffling and powerful
this stuff is

yet I have a choice ALWAYS A CHOICE
i can NOT take part in social and festivities
Or I can stay honest
pray for a sober day
I dont want to get drunk
I just want to fit in
drink champagne celebrate with my brother
not drink heineken and f*rt

tomorrow I pray
for a sober day
for God to show me how I may be of service
for his words not mine
and show me how I may be of maximum helpfulness
and a smile
and acceptance is the answer....

merry chrsutams
self swill run riot

My name is johno and I am an alcoholic

It is the first drink - not the sixth or tenth that does the damage

Dont pick up the first drink
and you won't get drunk

Don't listen to your head
when it says you can

Don't listen to your head
You can't

Walk away
Go do something useful

Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink
It could save someone's life
and it may just be yours!

Pray for a sober day
and be vigilant
Its cunning baffling and powerful

Enjoy

How did I used to do it?

I stayed up all Thursday night
to meet an assignment deadline

at 4am I get an email from a fellow
Mature student... "are you still up aswell??"
ha ha, theres like lots of us all over the place
banging away at the keyboard
NO LONGER ALONE
I AM NOT SPECIAL OR DIFFERENT
6am ish IFOBW emails me an 'erbal remedy for studying.. thanks
is everyone up at this time normally?
at 8am I get on the bus
feeling... drunk!?
on the phone to another student
also at yelling point... hysteria
not terrifying hysteria
just hysterical laughing about the insanity
of all this studying all hours!
fellowship
I forgot what sleep deprivation does :D
am I too old for this ?

Nah man, the joys of being a 1st year student
more interesting doing it age 40 though
all good intentions to get this thing done
by wed/thurs and here we are
up all night and doing it at work
all the next morning...
Handed it all in... thats one gone
way hay!!

I dont want to do this again
but who knows... whats in store :)

Enjoying every minute of it
now am not a victim
justa taking it a day at a time
and packing it all
just got to find a bit more room for
praying

Meet Rachael - go say hello

remember Rachael
who was knocked off her bike
she's really recovering

Her Dad and friend set up a blog

Rachaels Blog

all comments are moderated

pop by and say hello

Happy Friday

Johnny Cash

I love/hate Christmas ? Just another old idea I hang onto? - Think Think Think. I can change my attitude to this Christmas

Christmas does not at 1st thought
conjur up a lovely scene for me
complicated
forced family times
receiving presents for acts of a sexual nature
lies decieipt
hiding, uncomfortableness
FEAR

Later
hangovers
just wanting to be drunk
not feeling
blotting out the falseness of it all
buying presents for the sake of it
must i keep doing this with these people?
DISHONESTY SELF WILL SELF PITY

Later
with my choice
was lovely yes
still uncomfortable
LOVE SELF WILL SELF CENTRENESS SELF PITY

later
same choice
ex's on the scene
wondering if the police would need to be called
kids crying
will it ever be simple and angst less?
FEAR SELF WILL SELF CENTREDNESS PRIDE JUDGEMENTAL

Later
different again
relatives
simple
lovely
and over
AA meeting on Christmas day
vigilant around alcohol
warm
started to pray
sponsor missing AWOL
better
LOVE SELF WILL

Later
ill projectile vomitting
christmas in bed
family lovely
kids upset
Sponsor helpful
SELF CENTREDNESS SELF WILL SELF PITY

later
Home alone
Helping in homeless shelter
Sad to talk with family
Acceptance, this is what I wanted
AA meeting on xmas day
Gratitude for what I have
which is alot more than some
grateful for my fridge
central heating and clean warm bed
freedom
happy
LOVE SELF CENTREDNESS

Later
Home alone
helping in homeless shelter
home alone
one present to open on christmas day
no phone calls to me
sad
With Acceptance, that I must be careful what I pray for
I had got exactly what I had wanted
SELF WILL SELF CENTREDNESS SELF PITY SELFISHNESS
we think had been the root of our troubles....

I dream of Kids and santa sacks and
faces lit up with the wonder the Santa has been
I reminisce to myself
of getting to bed early
and keeping my eyes shut even when I thought I heard rustling
as "Santa" would leave my sack at the bottom of the bed
Asking my Dad when he would take the gas fire off the wall
so Santa could get down the chimney
making sure the mince pie was on the table
before I went to bed
It was NEVER there in the morning
yeh I have this memory
and I hold onto it
uncomplicated, simple, special
no strings
A reality memory which will never be taken away

This year
I will go with an attitude of giving
to be of maximum helpfulness
Brother is in relationship difficulties
Brother is working his socks off
he tells me he wont be much fun
Neices will be excited about Christmas
Santa is real for one of them!
preparing sacks
watching the wonder and the magic
playing games in the floor
I am very excited to be going
I cant wait until Sunday
to give my brother and neices
a big cuddle
he is missing having family around
he is missing his mummy
and he wants and needs his big sister
i'm coming
no fixing
just being present
of maximum helpfulness
needs and wants
volunteer not a victim

First things first
I love my brother
more and more
and we are getting closer and closer
especially since mum died
its lovely
and it makes my heart glow
AA you did good things on me
and its rubbing off on him

I honestly say there is NO-ONE
or NO-WHERE I would rather be
this Christmas than with him

This year there are no
defects driving my motives
for being in that place
its pure unconditional LOVE
and a willingness to go to any length

defects will fly over with me
they are in me
I have step 10's
I have prayer
i have willingness
I have restrain of tongue and pen
I have love and tolerence
and a willingness to practice them
I have an attitude of service
I try and let LOVE drive me these days

"God show me what you need me to do today
and give me the willingness and the power
to carry it out"
"God show me Your will"
"God show me what it is you want me to do"
and then do it

gratitude in action for being sober
and all the gifts its brought me
and I have been able to pass on
one day at a time

Christmas comes round every year
I am powerless over whether it comes or not
I cannot change it
But I can change myself
and my attitude
each year
I am willing to give it another go
change the things I can
is that insanity?
I don't think so
I do not really want to debate it
I just do it
ONE Christmas DAY AT A TIME

I have had some lovely Christmas's
and some really dreadful ones
and some littered with joyeous and dreadful
and some less extreme
it brings out all sorts in everyone
EVERYONE no one is immune from
some kind of Christmas feeling
whatever that feeling is
its personal to you and it may change
by the hour by the day by the week
and possibly will go sometime in January

I must try and stop looking for perfection
Accept Christmas is abit of a pig
and stop wrestling with it

Enough for now

More about study

a couple of revision sessions
and its becoming clear
its clear why they say
keep turning up
to EVERY lecture
if you miss one
it could be the one where
I get the key I'm looking for
We'll see

Someting happened last night
and I got a mark overturned
I wasn't wrong
the marking guide did not fit my answer
or was it my answer did not fit the marking guide
well the question was ambiguous
and my answer was clear
so I got a minimum pass changed to a perfect
frickin'ell see anythings possible
if i'm honest and tell the truth

I haven't slept for nearly 7 weeks
and I am thinking about this
stuff all the time
except when i am thinking about
my current interest
which to be honest is a very
easy distraction
and its not like it used to be
all consuming and leading to unmanageable
or resentment
just seeing it for what it is
which isn't a friendship at the moment
very clear boundaries
thankfully

One more to go COME ON!
I gave in last night and went to bed
even though I couldnt sleep or read anything
was resting
got up and did an hour before work
and I hate to say it
but I had a clearer mind at 6.30 this morning
than at 10 in the evening
God you telling me something I don't want to hear!

Existing v Living [2003]

what it was like
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while

at weekends
lying under the duvet
thinking
imaginging
intentions
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps

So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not

personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
eating?
teeth cleaned when?
bath?
gym?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?
friends?

Monday
envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?

what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my
existance

I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance

heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them

Rachael's improving

Great news! Well done! Good work all round!

So am I !!
Studying again
its starting to make sense
after a couple of hours on the phone

Its weird, my phone kept defaulting to a lecture
and I wanted to hear another...
the default was actually the one I needed to hear
there are no coincidences

More optimistic
new phones excellent
playing my guitar helps when the head says no
as does an hour on the phone with another student
do you think its this? no its this isnt it?
no its this! where does it say that? here
oh well it must be. But is it? does it mean
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH
assignment half done, well more than half
its starting to become clear
feedback for yoga done
packing on the way, well thrown in a corner!
ipod letting it go until next week or next year
test at work will do this week

and I was interested in someone
now I have gone soft on them
nothing instant please, I dont like fast stuff God
Easy does it but do it, yeh i'll give it ago
if you think its time!?
we are in AA time dont forget
so it will be next year...or maybe the one after
unless you think i can handle fast!
I have no freakin idea, I forgot how it works
Leave it with you Cupid
i'll just keep turning up and asking questions
and staying as honest as I can

God said nothing back by the way....

I need to pray again
Step 3 stuff really
let go let god
I havent been
I am neglecting my conscious contact
feeling ordinary and part of the human race
but with an awareness unlike
much of the human race
leads to complacency
cruising along
which will at somepoint lead to fear
or perhaps a drink!
Keeping on the firing life p102
God will keep me unharmed
if my motives are good
I trust and believe this

I try and am on the right path
most of the time

One Alcoholic talking with another during Step 5

The Sponsors the one on the right



I cant say it
yes you can
look just try
I..
quit stalling
I cant help it
just get on with it
sponsee mumbling
(sponsor now getting hungry tries to move)
sponsee lays heavier on her ankles
(Sponsor resorts to falling asleep
a given during step 5)

Not being a cat, nor either of my sponsors being cats
I cant explain what part of the step 5 the licking comes in
and its purpose, getting a furball from her sponsors fur
is not my idea of healthy sponsee/sponsor behaviour
but then as I said before...

I am not a cat

the sponsors meanwhile is well away dreaming of mice and birds

Please pray for Rachael P

Knocked of her bike this week
she is in hospital
no visitors
high dependency
not recognising anyone
was a Monday Venn Street member a while back

8 ish years sober
I've seen her change
she's seen me change
lots of laughs
and a few tears
over the years
straight talking
unconventional
and in unity and the same time
she's one of our finest

God Bless you Rachael
No Visitors means its
you and God and His Surgeons
Best Hands

...til we meet again

xx

Studying with AlcoholISM - I sabotage myself

I am starting to realise
as I interact on a weekly basis
and open up and be honest
keeping it simple and relevent to the course
ie. not deep (well perhaps it is deep to some people)
anyway yawn, just being me

that all people do this sabotage
and it looks like poor time management
but is it?

I can only speak for me
i definitely see an i sabitage myself
happen over the last 3 weeks

all the simple stuff became hard
stopped taking inventory
got a few excellent marks and one good one
and then hit a block
turning up, helping others but not much else

its the keep on keeping on
even when you think its not going as
YOU think it should be Johno
It in fact IS
Aim for perfection settle for excellent
excellent yesterday may be good today
thats enough
tomorrow is another day to try again

Friday I reached a point that I couldnt
take anything in even at work
I feel like I could sleep for a 100 years

The truth is I suddenly have 4 deadlines next week
assignment at uni
test at work
feedback for yoga teacher
pack for christmas
all different areas of my life
and a delivery of a new mobile phone
and making a decsion about which ipod
(yeh I can see you are NOT feeling sorry for me
these are NOT problems!)

but still my truth is IN MY HEAD
it all became too hard
and physically I started to suffer
and mentally I shut down
I forced myself to share at home group
about the topic, and for the newcomer
not about my head !?
And I felt better

I hate the rain today
its cold and wet
and I dont want to play anymore

There is a woman started coming
and without breaking any anonymity
she is mentally challenged
about 6 months sober
she got an AA Q&A on sponsorship leaflet last night
and its great to see her eyes light up
when people speak with her
I hope she keeps coming back

yeh ok having written taht last bit
I feel different again
i'll play another day
have done a load on the reflective statement
far more and its not done yet
will be easy to strip down tomorrow

the other bit I made a start on
its the pig I am wrestling with
but in the great scheme of things
Its not worth that many marks
So I HAVE to give it my best shot
but not let it dominate me
or stir up the fear and I cant do it

Grateful for this
Have begun to be aware of the time
I need to spend on a 1st class degree
and can I afford to slow down on
the day job to step up on the studying?
well i'll be talking with God about
that over the next few months
Willing to go to any lengths? yah

whatever, this is what I want to do
and its acheivable
a day and a week at a time
turn up, pay attention, do whats suggested
and then do it again
and again
again



There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.P59

Convention of those wounded in love - Paulo Coehlo

Warrior of Light issue no 161
Convention of those wounded in love

General provisions:

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

It is hereby decreed that:

Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.

Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.

Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.

Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one's decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.

Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.

Final determination: Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.

And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

Vote for Mister Splashy Pants

I have entered the Greenpeace name a whale competition and it is now in the last 30! PLEASE VOTE FOR MISTER SPLASHY PANTS!

More than 11,000 possible whale names were submitted but we are now down to the last 30 possible whale names...which ones will be given to the wonderful humpback whales currently travelling on the Great Whale Trail?

Choose your favourite name from among the 30 below and hit the submit button at the bottom of the page. You can only vote once but you can ask as many friends to vote as you like.

The voting ends on the 7th of December 2007 at 17:00 Amsterdam time. So vote now and get all your friends to vote too.

Studying again

Well alot over the weekend
the last assignment was
not as simple as it looked
well thats not strictly true

They say there are
poor students
good students
something else students

The poor student does just enough
the good student does more than that
and the other student goes to any lengths
verging on showing off !!

Me am something else!? :D

I am coming up to the end of
lectures this semester
infact there is only one left
and guess what
I now dont want to stop!

why... cos it means
letting go of the lecturers
and styles and sense of humour
and taking up with
some whole new ones!

It also means letting go of
these subjects
and taking on board
some whole new ones

But guess what?
it WILL all be ok
I knoe that and believe that
I TRUST THE PROCESS 100%

yeh am crapping it about the exam
when I think am ok
I wonder what the hell am gonna write?
how am I gonna remember?
I have no idea even what date the exam is!?
I havent looked that far ahead
too busy living in the day and the week
assignment by assignment
keep reading
learn the process of critical analysis.. 'uck
and eat lots of carrots
and become an elephant

one more to do
a reflective statement!?
what it was like when I started
what were my expectations
what happend?
what its like now?
how I would like it to be in the future?
what wiull I do different?
what will I do to do that?
hows it going?
yeh everyone does it
I like it
but, but but but but
public honesty... 'uck me
with a deadline date
God help me.. your words not mine... have all of me
willingness, remove my fear... so victory over
of thy Power, thanks God

You would think this would come easily to me
but as usual forced self analysis
is not easy
I will do it when I want
but not for you (well ok sometimes)
people pleasing!
self will run riot, I run the show
here with my opening up
just for once, I have to
do this and hand it in
for me, for an area of my life

Ok back to the ironing
while I THINK some more
PROCESS THIS FEAR

ps forget the carrots, they are for night sight arent they not memory!

I've changed my attitude and I like it

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. P83

As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites

Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe

From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant

I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them

Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course

I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
teacheable
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding

Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past

what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84

AS THE RESULT OF THESES STEPS these few weeks
is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate

I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress

Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today

Everything teaches me
I learn from everything

Stay teacheable
Humility

Loving AA and all its gifts

I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post

Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!

thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today

Righteous is NOT the same as Self righteous

I had no idea what righteous and self righteous meant
until I did a step 5 with a Jesus loving Sponsor
I am so glad that I did

Gods will v self will
suggestions v orders
sharing v telling
sharing experience v arrogance

Taking someones inventory without being asked
taking someones inventory after being asked
not taking their inventory even when asked
giving advice without being asked v waiting to be asked
labelling someone v waiting for them to find themselves

staying silent v always having the last word
showing someone v dragging them through
patience and tolerence v impatient judgemental

I dont know whats best for you v do this

Righteous is
This is my experience
this is what I did
this may help you
I will help you
if you want
its not the only way
but it worked for me
stick around, see what you think
if you want to try it
we will help you
Love

Self righteous
you are this
do this
just do it
i know what you need
its this you need
I will fix you
I know whats best
forget them
this is the only way
anything else is crass
Just do it
stop looking elsewhere
you arent perfect
infact you are rubbish how you are
I know exactly what you need
just do it
Arrogance

Spending too much time
trying to please
people who are
trying to stroke their own ego's
by fixing me
up in their time
all good intentions
they are trying to run the show though
and I am letting them
because my ego is being stroked
by attention
victims not volunteers
I have become a victim
in my own blog
trapped to a point where I do not
want to blog because of
Micky comments
just one person out of many
has changed the whole
dynamic

No longer hand in hand with the spirit on the universe
its hiding under the parapet
waiting for whatever
hail of abuse and judgement I will
get next just for sharing anything
and nothing to do with AA or my stuff

I have too many good loving
people in my life to
open up and show myself to
without trying to please them
they love me and tell me the truth
in a non-judgemental way

So a day at a time
I choose not to stroke the ego's of
people around me
who are trying to fix me
in such an arrogant fashion
are you the person to do it Micky?
I don't think so
I have listened to your posts
and read your comments
although I think I like some of your comments
More often than not
I find your tone offensive
You are now insulting friends
who comment on my blog
who are simply being friendly
Micky really!! this is not Good
I do not think you are a light
to all people, certainly this person
Me, I find you dark and gloomy
unhelpful and quoting your
psychobabble, judgemental and
a complete turn off
I have tried to be a friend
but I simply have no chance really
at the moment
my tools are insufficient for the job

I love you but I really dont like you
or the you that you portray on my blog
But even that is I am sure just a very small part of you
as is for all of us

I accept you have a VERY low opinion of AA
the 12 steps and all recovery stands for
I do not accept that you know best
My experience is that you do not
in my case, I guess choose not to

I have friends who are followers of Jesus
who are much kinder and loving towards me
and AA and alcoholics and others
I prefer to get my Jesus teachings from them
I would prefer it Micky if you stayed away
or stop judging and insulting me and my friends
and behave like a friend, or at least try to
show willing please

God bless you Micky, I wish you well
I have no idea what tomorrow will
bring but todays history
tomorrows a mystery

I have learned alot this last few weeks
regarding people dominating me
or me letting them do it
Its easily done... focus on the negatives
I then neglect friends who
are friendly, for that I apologise
Feed the good wolf(s)

If I run off, create another blog
some things else will come up
these personalitys always
pop up somewhere else
different name and face
different time
I can run but I cant hide

So here I shall stand
and see what happens
Faith without works is dead
working with others
turning up for life
and seeing what happens

Have a good weekend friends
Johno

ps having said all that
I too have suffered from arrogance
and self righteousness this week
(and plenty of times previous
spending to much time thinking and
up little schemes and plans for the greater good!
it hasnt worked as you can see

Johno, your just an alky that doesnt drink
a woman and all round practicing good person
text book case really

Quit thinking, and trying to fix and people please
get on with what you have been neglecting
friends, family and study!