Flowers and Stuff

I have been retrainting my tongue
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them

Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...

yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience

anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem
ambition

But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now

doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!

and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away

yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care

just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up

no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful

I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..

God show me

Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall