Happy Valentines day everyone, love from the Prairie Dogs :)

Prairie Dogs

Hiding behind Multi Media - the illusion of "communication"

I am really noticing at the moment
how the art of communication
ever changing evolving

the world has got much smaller
yet at the same time
it is actually preventing
conversations
discussions
things getting things done
the point is not always clear
and often missed
the meaning is distorted
and is often overlooked

Email after email after email
trails everywhere
waiting for responses
taking time writing responses
to responses
misinterpretation
misunderstandings
half stories
self seeking
not giving all the information
because it can be omitted
people rarely ask why or why not on email
its in writing a potential confrontation
by email.... so people take whats written
on face value
and try and get by
yet behind the screen
sitting in bewilderment
resentment
fear
defensive

picking up the phone today
and walking across the room
and talking to someone
over and over
picking up the phone again
discussing in person
with others involved
I HOPE has resolved something
faster
than it would by the lethargy sloth
and acceptance of the unacceptable
that its ok to put off til tomorrow
which could actually get done today
if we only spoke about it
and someone got up and saw it through

ok off my rant soapbox
I too hide or have hidden
or dont say what I want to say
allow others to hide and not respond
to perfectly reasonable questions
because we are free to take part or not
answer or not
and not give any justifications or not
to our actions

Having gone through years
of angst about picking up the phone
to sponsors or other AA's
because I
dont want to be a burden
dont want to say outloud what I really want to say
am afraid of what the other person will say
afraid to be a part of ... which
is what we are trying to do
be a part of a conversation
communicating with someone
for some reason

confrontation
or just having a friendly conversation
has become a thing of the past

hiding behind a haze of drunkenness
or behind a screen of glass/plastic

feels the same sometimes

yet when i pick up the phone
tell the truth
say what I want
let the other person speak
and come to a compromise
ie LET LOVE IN

its feels amazing

It always seems impossible until its done. Nelson Mandela

Good news you get your feelings back.... Bad news you get your feelings back .... Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.... :-)

I just been through an... i have taken on too much and and now letting go of many things, stripping back to basics, prioritising, learning to say no and i cant do this anymore period. 

Just also committed to 1 fun evening a week. Essential for where im at now as i tend to take life too seriously, its as essential as Home groups im early days. 

Realised this weekend. I can put into words how i feel, get the truth out. Step10, journal, songwriting blog etc. So my soul/spirit and mentally gets released when i cut through the crap to get truth (at that moment) Yet On a physical level, i am not convinced i physically feel fully how i am feeling. 

Was speaking to friemd  who works with sound, not singing necessarily, sounds from within from primal scream to whatever comes...  Wish she was nearer, i would give it ago, try and shift the block which is clearly there, i ive been noticing it more recently.

Looking at sound / singing release therapy stuff 

Suicide?... Supreme sacrifice? .... Self harm? ... No !!... turn towards a Loving HP and fellowship

Someone asked last week or so ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now? 

The answers to those 3 questions are yes yes and yes

I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder. Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy. People, substance, things, places... Damaging. Cant live with it, cant live without it. Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.

Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion. I resented others and inside i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.

One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal,  was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober. 

Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on) 
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes. Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.

Is it much better now? Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human. 

Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come. 

What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing  not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes. 

There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something. 

Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.

Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)

Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.

Yeh man recovery rocks !!

whats going on...

I just been through an... i have taken on too much and and now letting go of man...y things, stripping back to basics, prioritising, learning to say no and i cant do this anymore period.

Just also committed to 1 fun evening a week. Essential for where im at now as i tend to take life too seriously, its as essential as Home groups im early days.

Realised this weekend. I can put into words how i feel, get the truth out. Step10, journal, songs, blogs etc. So my soul/spirit and mentally gets released when i cut through the crap to get truth (at that moment) Yet On a physical level, i am not convinced i physically feel fully how i am feeling.

Was speaking to friemd who works with sound, not singing necessarily, sounds from within from scream to whatever comes... Wish she was nearer, i would give it ago, try and shift the block which is clearly there, i ive been noticing it more recently.

Why is it good for me to change and be changed ?

Self awareness? 
Knowing flaws and assets?
Working on current areas of life
..... where i fall short. 
Seeing and enjoying Where i fly.
Being honest.
Seeing self in... in my opinion
undignified, uncovered, unjustified,
undenied, stripped bare. 
Whats comfortable, what isnt?
What am i putting up with?
What am i slothfully loafing on...
....getting away with? 
What progress have i made?
What has become effortless? 

Why is that good for me to sit and answer these questions?
Walk into things which challenge
And scare me.... Not dangerously
Just things that create inside work on me... Work in progress

The truth sets me free...

Step 1 is about accepting powerless over my dependency....
And unmanageability ....

Ask for honesty around my condition... Whatever that condition/dependency/progress
 is today.

Ask to accept things 
i cannot change today
Enjoy the things 
i dont need to change
Ask for courage 
to change things i can 
Ask for wisdom to know 
the difference

Ask for power to carry out Loving Higher Powers will in area most needing to be addressed

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, 
and not tackle all my problems at once. 
I can do something for twelve hours that would 
appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Know i will not be given anything today i cannot handle
Know that i will be given exactly what i need today

Fear is simply a part of growing out of who i am into the person i am becoming... Part of a process

Letting go of People, places, things, actions, thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, opinions ... That hold us capture us 
Yet feel uncomfortable

Takes courage and effort

Ask for help from proven guide
Do whats suggested
Give time time
Dont quit before the miracle

Each small victory creates
A feeling of Wholeness :-)

It'll make my head spin
And
It'll makes my heart leap

Trust Loving God/Higher Power/programme/Spirit of the Universe that is good

Spiritual High's rock !!

Then repeat 

:-)

If i had a formula to create
A certain spiritual high when i wanted,
i am sure someone would sell it and
i would buy it over and over and
become greedy and dependent
Then would it be spiritual?
Or something else?
By nature spiritual high is spirit led,
good feeling, driven by love,
not created by humans
or in human timings yet
when we are willing to align ourselves
with the spirit of the universe,
let the spiritual surgery take place...
amazing things happen :-)

Well thats my experience anyway :-)

Feel better for getting that out
Tnx

what its like today

How you all doing today? Done anything interesting? I've been planning open mic, live performance since August... And never felt confident... Tnite i spent eve in a pub in Basildon... Open mic, which is good kareoke !!

Going in pub alone, didnt phase me, sat for a while, felt uncomfortable taking up a big table with just me... And as everyone borrowed chairs to add to their tables, i could see myself ending up at a big table alone with just my chair left with me on it and all other tables full... Are u Picturing it? So i went and stood at the bar. See this isnt a problem, cos my motive for goin was to check out open mic, and eventually sing?! (not hangnaround the bar)

By the way the slops trays still smell rank as do the beer towels :-) but suppose it was kindof nice being in a friendly atmosphere, no nutters, barmaid was friendly and encouraging, even suggested most people have a few drinka before they got up... I wondered just how many cokes and cups of tea i would need :-) after the guy doin the sounds, announced he is an agent and some of his acts kindly follow him around and start the evening off, i decided to just listen for abit. They were really good, i am wondering how they know the key, and it became apparant, he knows what key they sing in (cos theyre his acts) and they are experienced singers.

Yeh i was intimidated!! And too afraid to get up. They even tried out new songs, got them wrong, missed notes words, still sounded good tho. Pride won this eve... This eve! Was impressed i could order a cuppa tea at 9.30pm in pub :-) barmaid told me twice they do kareoke, all kinds!! On a wednesday, so come back wednesday.. Cant this week...

Interestingly to me at one point my coke tasted like vodka and coke... Yet it wasnt. I was surrounded by sights, smells and sounds of king alcohol, yet At no point did i find the stuff interesting. I left before last orders...!

In big book it says we will be placed in a position of neutrality (around alcohol) we will be neither cocky or afraid (around alcohol) this comes automatically p84/85 http://www.whytehouse.com/big_book_search/aspbook/ch6p85.asp?word=Cocky

So it works....

I had to avoid drinking places, go to meetings directly mirroring my drinking times, not go down the booze aisles in supermarkets, avoid supermarkets, off licences, cornershops, and live on takeways for ages, because the damn stuff used to shout at me... Buy me buy me. Sitting in bars on my hands drinking coke slowly was not fun.

Steps work, loving higher power provides us with the grace... In otherwords we deserve another chance at doing it different... In AA we are cut the slack we need to have it all turned around. Good things come :-)

Having said all that, i am still not entirely sure what HP is preparing me for... He moved me to one of the most exhibitionist counties in the UK...

I am being given microphones, a voice and front of stage more frequently and with ease than i would have thought possible... Who knows whats in the plan.

this county is a place to walk round with your skirt tucked in yr pants and no one bats an eyelid. Come to think of it they Are that Short ya may not tell anyway!!

I am not being intolerent... i am loving living here, am by the sea, learning how to be as outspoken and Cat off eastenders... Coming out of my shell... And it hurts... And i dont always want to do whats in front of me, the right things... Responsible, like eating and changing my bed... Dusting... Turning up for work, the satisfactory none dramatic stuff (yawn) responsible :-) But i wouldnt want to miss what comin :-) its all part of recovery

Ps. Smooth and safe drivin this evening :-)

Cost me £2.80 for tea and a coke and experience...

Dont quit before the miracle

Dont quit before the miracle. Go to a meeting, and then perhaps another one, and then maybe another one, better to sit in meetings and get some fellowship and listen, you will hear similarities and exactly what you need to do. Stick with th...e women and put your recovery 1st. There are alwasy guys and women who seem to be friendly with newcomers of the opposite sex, and perhaps they want to be. But cant leave it as unconditional friendship.. for whatever reason. Stick with the women and go to meetings. All the parties and celebrations come round again and again, once you are in good condition, you will be able to choose whether to party or not, have people round or not, allow alcohol in your house or not without being hijacked into it. Go to a meeting :)

Gratitude

I had a lovely day
Woke up in it
And went to church
Acted as if and
Went round greeted everyone
By the end i was in a good mood
Kids and tots were in cheeky cute mode
Which always makes ne laugh
Theres time when they are
Damn rude
Today they were just cute
And their timing to make noises
Perfect !! :-)

After took time with
Cooked dinner for
Simple stuff
Which helps me aswell
You know that
Yet earthlings dont understand
I receive, thru helping her
Gave her a safe few hours
No one knocking on her door
No one after anything ofd her
Nothing to feed her paranoia
Shes an Addict,
not 12 step as such
I have no experiience
She is a friend at church
In need, and rejected by her family
Because of her addiction
Attitude and the company she kept keeps
To me she is a yet
And i see through it all
I see her eyes
I feel her pain
Yet recognise my powerlessness
I pray and stand next to her
Yet she has learnt me
How to not fix or try to
And when i do i am the one
Who ends up exhausted
Addiction wins
So i combat it with kindness
Unconditional love
And just by being her friend
Not promising anything
Not asking anything from her
Just being her friend
She commented on my normal living
On several occasions
And just said she will learn
How to rebuild all this in rehab
Which she is talking about
More and more
I dropped her off this evening
And went to ger flat
It was the opposite of my house
Stuff everywhere
Tidy but so much stuff
Impulse buying
I relate to it all
Yet recognise how
Nowadays i dont buy buy buy
I have done
Incase of running out
Buying because im worth it
Buying randomly food inpulses
Yet nothing substantial to create a meal
Eating all the offer stuff
And leaving it in fridge til its gone off

I am not perfect
But i am not living like that
And i can see how to slip back to it
Doing alone
No recovery fellowship or programme
She kept saying this is not
Normal living
I said it is normal living for an addict
This isnt how it has to b
And rehab will help you change
She said it again
I said it again
And again
Who knows when her time
Will come
I know this is what christmas is about
If the god and jesus story is correct
Christmas is not about the sales
And excess
Its about providing and sharing
Love and kindness
I feel grateful

Last week i posted
About why have i been given
What i have
With no one to
Share it with
Well today i shared it
And tonight i collected a
Newcomer again
And took him to a meeting
I feel really part of
My local fellowship
Made friends :-)
Already in 2 weeks!!

I have been given these
Material gifts
To share with those who
Havent for
Whatever reason
Thank you

Vigilance required
I received a harmless
Inch long Chocolate christmas pudding
And chocolate robin
I always check whats in
Especially if it says truffle
The pudding had rum in it
It dint fear me
I didnt know what to do with it
This inch long thing :)
I feel blessed it made me laugh
No fear, just baffled what to do with it
See i cant throw alcohol away
Doesnt happen much as i dont hve it around
Yet this thing i couldnt throw :-)
So on my way out
I put it on someones windscreen!!
And went to my meeting

This afternoon i had some chill out time
And this eve, watched some tv
And ate pizza

Spoke to my brother
And tmoro off to dads
Joy of having a car
And neighbours who share
Pet feeding with :-)
I feed their lizard locusts!!
Its not too bad holding locusts :-)

Hope u had safe and peaceful day :-)

So it came :-) much needed feeling of peace

I felt Peace
Went to bed this afternoon
Got up and went and sang carols
With band at peoples houses
Who cant get out
I felt some joy
Act as if ... In service
And it lifted me
It lifted those we sang to
And it lifted neughbours
Of those we sang to
Curtains twitched
Some windows opened
Shadows moved in the darkness
Behind the windows
People moved by singing of carols
Yet alone in their homes
Singing has a lovely effect on people
As does a salvation army band
We sang and played at the pub
Next to our hall and they came out
And sang with us
A few drunk and tired looking already
And it was only 6 oclock

Met a guy near me and i took him
To meeting in town
I love that i can use my car to give lifts
Service
I prayed that i would not just have it
For my benefit
And my prayers are coming true
It was freezing
We had a good chat on way
And on way back
Meeting was raw
Extremes
Emitional mentaal disorders
And peace and serenity
Wishes for a safe day
I feel a love i havent
Felt before
Local community
Fellowship
I will bump into 'these people'
2 weeks of loads of meetings
Has brought me back to life
Given me perspective
Self pity self seeking slipped away
Opportunity for service
Map some progress
Retrieve some sanity
And made friends

Also christmas isnt shit
The lead up has been
Me buying into other peoples
Looks of pity when i said i was alone
Christmas day
Eventually i bought it aswell !!
Forgot who i am
I invited the using addict for lunch again
Tmoro after church
I say that cos she has it much
Worse than i, she has conplete
Rejection from her family
And is so in addictiction
All we can do is pray
And love her unconditionally
After i will go to meeting in evening
And take the guy who lives near
Well thats the simple plan
I hope she comes for lunch
Although i know its hit and miss
So am happy to eat alone
And have stuff to do either way

Humility
Thinking i dont need meetings
Knowing i do and doing them
Sharing the truth and gratitude
Letting people in
Going to more meetings
Going to another meeting
Allowing the feloowship to strengthen me
Letting go
I feel so much better
Now i kept it simple
Revolve it around meetings
First things first

Really appreciated your comments
Thank you
As always
The truth sets me free
Keep on keeping on

Have a safe and peaceful one :-)
In fellowship

Note to self
no need to go away next year
Just disappear into meetings
In the lead up to christmas
Is an option
:-)

Job or no job

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

As i read yesterdays post
I think of this
Pointing fingers at everything
Which isnt right...
Well it must be me then!!

Yeh stuff is uncomfortable
And its my job to change
The things i can

Just for today I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that
I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Trust God
Trust the process

Meetings

Meetings
Stabilisers
Sit listen
Listen to learn
Its no diffrent
Better to be sitting in a meeting
Listening to others
Experience strength and hope
Than at home
Restless irritable and discontented
Trying to believe that
It will be different tomoro
Seems this us how it is
At the moment
Faking it doesnt feel right
Deciding to go away next year
365 days before next year
Is not the answer ;-)

It is how it is
Christmas comes once a year
And lasts a while
Each year there is stuff to do
Each year has a different feel
As i am in a different place
Inside each year

This year again its about service
And taking care of myself
The needs of others
And my own

What is all this teaching me?
I am not comfortable with any area
Of my life at the moment
I'm not happy
Work - been at risk redundancy many times
Got thru due to being a good worker nowadays
Yet job changed that much that
I dont like it or its principles
Learning stuff which
I am no longer intetested in
It doesnt feel right anymore
Yet jumping out into nothin
When i dont have to...
Feels scary
Yet sayin i dont have to
Feels dishonest because
I feel like to be happy or
Less uncomfortable
I do need to jump out
Even if i have nothin lined up
Feels abit like what a hippie would do
:-)
And i feel abit like thats what
I want to do
Be abit reckless
I dont mean drink and smoke dope
I mean just leave the 9-5
Play music and see what comes up
I never had no job
Sober
Feels ungrateful
Considering leaving
Yet feels like my integrety is
Being challenged while i stay
And my creative spirit
Is crippled
Thats how it feels

Comparing myself with others
In relationships
Miffed cos again i fall for someone
In relationship so i reign it all in
And dont go there
Yeh doing stuff i enjoy
An falling for likeminded
Similar interests someone
Is also progress and natural
And gives me hope of somekind
That i am on the right path
Albeit moving slowly
Well crawling... Even so
Moving forwards
Rather than random unknowns
Forced dating
Starting with chemistry or lust if u like
And trying to make it work
Seems wrong way around for me

I want some spontaneous
Freedom in romance
Or something like
When ya never had it
And possibly moving into
An arena where self restraint
And Gods will are high up
Then it does things to me
Stopped before i got started
Seems unfair


i need to strip back down
To basics
HALT
Go to meetings
Help newcomers
To thine own self be true
Pray for Gods will for me
And the power to carry it out

Unless there's another angle
To look at this from
That i cannot see for myself?
Something i'm missing?

Ok am saying

Christmas means very little to me
I had special times
Digging up christmas trees
Dragging home
Lots of lights
Cards
Presents under
Neighbours round
that was then

will it ever have that sparkle back?
was it ever there?
or was i seeing it through
the bottom of a wine glass?
i dunno
it all seems like years ago

cant seem to even fake it
:)

next year am away somewhere
doing something
there must be something else
that doesnt cost a fortune
and doesnt involve
sitting in silence
reflecting
reflecting?
reflecting the glare
of all the Christmas wrapping
lights and cheer

i'll get over it
just saying
am bored with all this shit
there i've said it
:)

i dont want to take part

In Christmas
Yeh go church
It seems the more friends
I have
The harder it seems to be
To say yes i am on my own
Christmas Day
Why
Becase i am
Its either do stuff charitable
Help homeless
Which seems acceptable response
Although they dont see it as a selfish
Aswell as unselfish act that i do
Selfish in that it relieves my loneliness
And unselfish in it helps others
Or Be invited places because i am alone
Go away
Or spend it at home
Could be with family
Yet they just pour wine
And drink their way thru
begrudgingly spending
Time with others
And inviting ne along aswell
Which would mean
Being involved in all the present
Buying how much what to get
Thing aswell
Am i a ba humbug?
I dunno!
I dont begrudge anyone
Having a happy time
Eating drinking and
Spemding money
Please dont drag me into it
But to hear and see the lead up
Wheres all the love gone?
And after
Why are people so glad it will
Be over?
I am too actually
Although the weather isnt helping
And recent sickness
I am quite excited about 2011

Yet lately am finding it hard to
Enjoy what i have been given
And what i have worked hard for
It almost feels excessive
I have more than i need
I still have a job
Inspite of yet more redunancies
I feel i could share what i hve
And yet theres no one
Is that a poor me
High class problem?
I see it as a comfortable
Single female
Relatively well in her recovery
Nice house
knows herself on the whole
Good outlook
Yet i have this house
Car job social life
Sense of humour
And no one to share
Give any of it to
That dont mean partner,
luvver whatever
Necessarily
Its like i was thinking alot
About my mum last night
An i
Dont know obviously
Where she would be living
If she were alive
Yet i would e great for
The opportunity of
Sharing some of this
Joy with her, these gifts
Kids, family
See i get that
We get a life
I have been given
Far more than i ever
Imagined
Yet the loneliness
Is so intense
The
Need tp give it all the time
To receive what i am so lacking in
Wrong and unhealthy
So i dont act it out to the intensity
I feel it
Or the service becomes a chore
Wrong motives and breeds resentment
I Wonder why i have
Been given all this
For myself?
Yet i know
For years i didnt live
In safety and security
Surrounded by
Loving no
Strings relationships
Being allowed to spend
Christmas without
Abuse and upset and fear
No presents i dont want
No forced family get togethers
So this is what i needed
And i have it
Thank you
Yet right now
It seems a waste
That i have it just for me
And cat

I am in a plateau...
I am loving going to local meetings
Meeting new people
Being accepted
Feeling part of local meetings
I am afraid i am missing
Something obvious that i am
Meant to be doing

Where are we going next?

Working with others... Quietens obsessions...

Take out the word sex
Replace with whatever
Yer obsession is at the moment...
Whatever requires self restraint against
And Power from something greater
Than my yourself

To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal,
for guidance in each questionable situation,
for sanity, and for the strength
to do the right thing.
If sex is very troublesome,
we throw ourselves the harder
into helping others.
We think of their needs
and work for them.
This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge,
when to yield would mean heartache.

P70

So working with others
Along with praying
For it to be lifted
simply be the
Answer to my current
Obsession
Fancied or real
Which alone i am unable
To resolve
Practice these principles
In all my affairs... Life areas
step 12

Day at a time
Analysis paralysis

I have no idea

What direction i am going in
Its a bizarre place
Am i in the eye of the storm?
Am i deluding nyself?
Am i lost
Am i ok

Feels like a everythings
Shifting round
Like shuffling
Not spinning out of control
Just shifting round

I cant think of the words
Just a moving round
Bits being added
And bits dropping off
Not all easy
Yet it dont feel like
I am a victim

Just moving round
And still being prepared
For what?
I have no idea

But its all happening
Very slowly
Too slowly for my liking
Yet its happening
Spiritual Growth?!
Further growing up aches

Feeling like i spent
The last 5 years in God school
Learning how to have
Much needed
relationship with
A power greater than myself
And now its time to
Leave school and
Do some work

Anylengths
Let go absolutely
Trust the process
Gods time, not mine

Not cooked yet!! :-)

Apparantly everythings
As it should be :-)

Quality not quantity - Calling on humilty required

Why am i amazed?
Because i am so self centred :-)

Went to 3 meetings this weekend
I can kid myself and say
Because i wanted to
Or accept its because i needed to
And these days i try and 
Honour my needs rather than 
My wants

Answers to prayers 
Tell me
Go pitch a tent in my own 
Neighbourhood

Feel like change is afoot
Am ready
If its Gods will
It will be ok
So no point in fighting
Doesnt mean it will be easy

Spiritual is being the woman
I am meant to be
Letting God
Prune, mould, shape, grow me
Accepting i am mishapen
And need shaping up :-)

It did me so much good
To be around local people
Raw and recovering
People like me that didnt want
To sit in the meeting
But DID because we KNEW
We needed it
Its feeling like its time to
Work with new newcomers again
Those 3 meeting acted like
Stabilisers for me this weekend
A chance to rebalance
Its not about drinking... (for now)
Its about emotional sobriety
Not carrying resentments round
Clocking people round the heads
With them whilst i am working thru them
Write it pray it talk it then repeat :-)


I am full in all areas
Yet i know if its Gods will
He will make time appear
Easily if i let him
Difficult if i hang onto stuff !!

As Stuart used to say
No Steps
No change
No sober

Changing times
And being amazed
Is also a joy of humility
Being teacheable
Letting others show me
There is another way
A entirely different angle
To look at everything
Alone i may not be tall
Enough to see 
With others in recovery
 i get lifted up
Always!!

Grateful for
Prayer, meditation
Keeping my mouth shut
Not retaliating
Being willing to fit in
Not change it to fit me

Let go absolutely
No hanging onto the
Corner of the towel
Because i think i need it!!!
Self centredness 

Back to basics in challenging times
The old timers gave us the 3 legacies
God bless them
Recovery - use the tools - steps - use the principles
Unity- with others - fellowship
Service - pass it on - help others

Resentment is the number 1 offender. It destroys more alkys
Than anything else

Do not underestimate this
Do not mess around
Life is precious
Recovery is a gift
5% alkys make it
Feel blessed
X

Heard in meetings

Meeting makers
Make it

If you dont go to meetings
You wont know what happens
To people who dont go to meetings

There are AA meetings
Open on Christmas day

In community, in fellowship

It's interesting watching
Stuff unfold at church
We have 20 year olds
On employment schemes
For 6 months
Non christiam
Infact one is jewish
The other no mention
they are so enthusiastic
And lovin it
We have given them opportuniyy
To develop our coffee shop
Vision
And make it happen
And it is before my very eyes
god is amazin
I hope if they develop it
Hiw they like it
In keeping with our tradition
They will attract their mates!!
It will be a place to hang :-)
Which is not the pub
Or sat at home on facebook :-)
Our church is amazin!!!
Loads going on
We are a loved up chch :-)

1st sermon draft in :-)
Waiting on feedback !!
I moved down here
No meetings accessible
Really understood grace
Was led to this church
Feel called to keep on
Feel like i found my people :-)

l you may say: "But I will not have the
benefit of contact with you who
wrote this book." We cannot be sure.
God will determine that,
so you must remember that your real
reliance is always upon Him.
He will show you how to create the
fellowship you crave p164