Challenged

I feel challenged in all areas
I have never felt like this...
Completely awake
be very willing
know what the right thing to do is
feeling feel
trying to do
being completely unable
to do what seems to be the next right thing
feeling restricted
feeling constricted
feeling afraid
feeling a faith
feeling confused
feeling clarity
unable to get why its happening the way it is
or not as the case may be
feeling complete powerlessness
feeling freedom at the same time

wondering if I am deluded
wondering if I am just not cut out for this
wondering what the alternative is
knowing what my first thought at the moment is NOT the solution
wondering what the middle ground is?

Things are shifting
the sands moving
safe and then prison like
changing with every step, hour, minute
every thing I do
feels like a step into the unknown
yet they are ordinary things I did before

People places and things
which felt safe yesterday
feel precarious today
I guess this is impermanence
feeling a big wave washing over everything
and changing the look and feel of it all

The only thing I am sure of
is that God loves me
and will not give me more than I can handle

Staying sober is the way
staying alive is the way
turning up tomorrow is the way
doing my best is the way
accepting my best may not be my ideal
or anything like

God this has been the most challenging
few months that I can remember
more challenging than early recovery
it was obvious what the problem was
now I cannot see what the problem is
and there doesnt seem to be any answers
perhaps there is no problem
perhaps this is exactly how its meant to be

Jesus didnt like that he has to suffer and die
to be risen
but he did it cos it was Gods will
and he trusted His Father
he followed the path
without giving in to temptation

Please let me be
Please slow it all down abit
Its all to fast
and its all painful

I dont get it
but then neither did Jesus

All I know is in recovery
Anythings possible
if we work for it
who am I to say how much work is required
am I trying to hard?

God proved that anythings possible
when he brought his son
back to life

Who am I to say
I am not doing enough?

Dont quit before the miracle
Let Go and Let God

Listening and paddling with eyes and ears wide open

Venerable Robina Courtin
Being Sane in a Mad World (10)

I only listened to number (10) OMG
now I find theres another 9 before it...

And another load here

I felt like this the first time
I went on an Alpha Course
I Highly recommend it if you haven't
I did it at Holy Trinity Brompton
No they didnt drag or me into Christianity
they simply laid out their kit of spiritual tools
what works for them
and I just "laid there" metaporically speaking
eyes and ears wide open
I made some good friends too

Also this week Listened to Ajahn Munindo
Mindful Madness
Its the first time I heard
"talk" about suicidal thoughts
in a matter of fact way
I am aware of when they come in me
and I am aware of what circumstances they come in me
They do not scare me anymore/rarely in themselves
Its a wake up call to what is surrounding them/it
to take action of be more mindful
This I learned before Munindo
But it helps to hear someone talk about it
without it being a big deal
its just a part of me
its a thought that comes
at self will completely run riot point!
often! but not always...

I am grateful...
Also listening to study lectures
and reading study stuff
and doing step 10's and praying
going to work
accepting my own unmanageability
even though I appear ? perfect
I know I am not!
Letting others in

Trying to do my job
Its getting really odd...unfamiliar
Things people said to me this week, different people...
in the workplace...
"I think I need to get my alcohol and sex addiction sorted out..."
"You dont know what mental thoughts are going off in my head"
"I feel like a duck frantically kicking and not getting anywhere"
"I didnt even manage a week, I failed"
"If only i could get organised..."
"Yeh i'm in a relationship, but I cant seem not not go with other.."

God whats going on please?
I am letting go of so much outside stuff
so much brain/mental stuff outside
even having regular early nights!
and I get filled up more during office hours...
almost to distraction...
whats going on?
Yeh you dont give me more than I can handle
whatever! i'll just keep paddling
trying not to give advise
you just do your thing..

For some reason I feel a great love
and huge gratitude
for being sober
AA, God and everyone I have ever listened to and read
inside and outside the fellowship
Theres a part of me that feels Alive

I have no meditation book recommendations
I'm just at the beginning
I read inspiring books before which made me think
and look at the world differently
I agree

But I feel like I am entering ... the world of spirit!
yeh its true
a new chapter
a new step? step 11 in fact

This book was shown to me ages ago
and a poem in it was very pertinient at the time
the rest of the book was too "much"
at that moment
until now
see nothing goes to waste!

Anyway people
please share your meditation book recommendations
for Syd and me
As I am very limited in experience

The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying
John Ortberg Books ALL of them (see my side bar)
Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist, The Zahir, The Devil & Miss Prym
theres loads

Like I said
I'm just at the beginning
of something else!
and I have no words to describe it...
But it feels green and warm and safe
Listening to Geshe Tashi Basic Buddhist Practices

Here's The "Autobiography in Five Chapters"
The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying. P32
Sogyal Rinpoche

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.

I like it
I saw it in Courage to Heal too
It perfectly describes
The journey
of self will to Gods will

Step 1, 2, 3

More will be revealed

Impermanence & attachment

The attachment I feel for things
material and in my mind
is real
yet i see how in bondage it is

People, places things, behaviours
all and more I can be attached too
without even thinking about it

Impermanence
yeh I read that
I will die
but its uncertain when
and to die with as least regrets
is an aim

See I already got this ages ago
but I dont live this everyday
I try to, and notice when I take action
How I will feel as a result
obviuously I take the other person
or persons into account
but at then end of the day
in an unselfish way possible
I have to look after me

I see how everything in born and everything dies
and how to live and treat the world as if
i will never die
or rather as if I will be reborn again,
ie i will have to live in the world in my next life
so treat it well in this one
Look after the world for the next generation
as I will be in it
again selfishly unselfish

"Ask yourself these two questions: Do I remember at every moment that I am dying, and everyone and everything else is, and so treat all beings at all times with compassion? Has my understanding of death and impermanence become so keen and so urgent that I am devoting every second to the pursuit of enlightenment? If you can answer `yes' to both of these, then you have really understood impermanence"

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying P27

Easy Does It

Steer easily through life by keeping a light touch on the controls, and a strong sense of humour.

wise words passed onto me today

Book Browse

Found This Really Great Book Search Engine
you can read about the book
and read excerpts aswell!!

Book Browse

Easter weekend
yeah talk about openminded!!

spent Good Friday
Following a cross in central London
Freezing by wotsits off
and listening to a choir in Westminster Abbey

Saturday
Chilled out evening with friend
talking about Christianity
the Holy Spirit
Jesus
Christ
growing into faith
and bible extracts
aswell as much laughing
and chocolate!

Easter Sunday
waking up to large snowflakes
and church again...

Yeh Easter is not about fluffy bunnies and chocolate

Its much more than that
Easter with the Methodists
Not being a mental Loafer
And had a really enjoyable, interesting, challenging time!

Its true!

No longer alone.... In fellowship... We....Unity... Stick with the Winners...

Faith and Unity

The medical View of AA Page 569 Big Book 4th Edition
Dr Foster Kennedy, neurologist. "This organization of Alcoholics Anonymous calls on two of the greatest reservoirs known to man, religeon and that instinct for the association with one's fellows...the 'herd instinct'. I think our profession
must take appreciative cognizance of his great theraputic weapon. If we do not
do so, we shall stand convicted of emotional sterility and of having lost that faith that moves mountains, without which medicine can do little"





Found it on here

Thursday evenings will never be the same again...
House... followed by Greys Anatomy!!
Heaven..

Stick with the Winners - Have faith, stop fighting and throw in the towel

Spent some time today
talking with my yoga teacher
about letting go
of attachment

And how what I have been given
I am now hanging onto
like its life and death
and I didn realise I was
afraid of not having it
without even thinking
it would be ok without
and how in a past life...
I managed and was actually happy
without the material thing in question

I cant do everything I want, when I want
and what I can do, I cant always do it when I want

Pride... self centredness... impatience
and lack of faith or hanging onto the corner of the towel
or self will run riot!
Terrier like! Born terrier!

Also went to my
Homegroup tonight
still my Homegroup
old friends still there, newcomers getting well
even though its not so regular now for me
I have missed that enthusiasm
for IT

Being around winners is humbling and rejuventating
I am grateful

I needed reminding of whats important
Gods will is Good
God loves Terriers

Prayer is....

Biblical Prayer is
Impertinent
persistent
shameless
undecorous
Its more like haggling in an oriental bazaar
than the polite monologues of the churches

P95. The Life you have always wanted
John Ortberg

I agree,
At the beginning
prayer was polite and stunted unnatural
when I started to talk to God like
like it described above
my relationship took off

we even have rows
which end in tears
and make up again

When I stop talking
like any relationship
there is something wrong
communication is key
honesty is key
and listening for a response is key

dialogue
not
monologue

Step 11 - The next step

Ear well on the mend

Whats next?

First things First

My relationship with Him

Step 11

Holding out the hand of AA in the workplace

I really had no idea
how much stuff I have learned
and put into practice
in meetings
group consciences
in intergroup
in the phone office
its kinda just what I do
Its in my bones as they say

So when i have this guy at work break down
on me on Friday
and tell me... my abridged version
how he is out of control
he is tryinbg to control his drinking
his counselling is not working
the tranquilisers suck
and he cant do his job any more
and if he loses it it will be
the worst thing that could happen
his counsellor suggested
he stopped drinking
he briefly mentioned AA
he cried, he is so fragile
I wanted to put him in my pocket :(
But good news is, I didnt!
Nor get too involved
nor try to fix him in 5 minutes
see what happens...
wait and see what happens monday

I asked my manager what the alcohol
policy is at work and what they do
when someones work is affected by alcohol?
I ended up listening to how baffled she
was by this guys behaviour
and lack of understanding why he could not
not drink in the week when he said he would
and how she had overlooked so much stuff
with him and how much time she spent trying to help him
I asked her what she knew about alcoholism?
she said "I know very little, perhaps she ought to find out"
I am lucky to work with people who care!
I said that its sad how little people
know about alcoholism and addiction
and how will power is simply not enough
and that its an illness not something to be ashamed of
I said I have friends in AA who would be happy
to come and do a presentation on AA as a resource
for employers to offer employees
said they have a video, leaflets and Q&A session for management/HR
if she thinks it would help
also sent her the AA newcomers video link
and some other AA links
all without having to talk about me
mostly simply information providing
yeh she will put 2+2 together
and if she asks me I will discuss myself

At the moment, my primary purpose
is to help this guy, by being there
gentle but firm, planting seeds
offering the hand of AA
and my employer by informing them of
this VERY effective resource

There is something I feel now
which is strength
I am at a place where
This has obviously worked for me
I worked it
and I am taking the results into work
I feel safe and protected
On the firing line
See i am no longer suffering
I am recovered
But I am not cured
Always work in progress
Always a need to maintain
improve and pass it on

Willing to help this guy to a meeting
Willing to pass on Employement Liason and
Public Information details to employer
It all seems so effortless and natural
Gods will feels lovely

I love this fellowship knew I was not a hopeless case
I love that we have an effective remedy
I love that I have got well
I love that I feel lifted up and strong

Ear drops kinda working
Ear is SO sensitive!
Still have the pain
though the hearing is not so impaired
which tells me that the ear inflamation
must have reduced... abit!

Done loads a tidying and resting and home stuff today
studied abit
Really gonna have to push myself reading and writing wise
and pray really hard and more often to
bring my head back to whats in front of me

I am too easily distracted
by !!!! cleaning? God bloody help me!

there are no coincidences that this guy
has been moved to be one bank of desks behind me
and that my manager is called by the name she is
I wondered ages ago why...
now I know...
God really does move in mysterious ways!
simply amazing

Monday I need to pray for my ego
to be right sized
and to get my head down and do my job
put the rest in Gods Hands

Overdoing it is not anylengths, its insanity

I spoke with NHS direct in the night
she asked... and you have been sitting with earache for 3 days?
how did you manage to do that?
She ordered me to go to my Doctor today without fail
I have been to my Doctor this morning
got some eardrops
Got an infection

This is a wake up call for me
Anylengths is not the same as overdoing it
overdoing it is insane
Anylengths is not

I have not been completley insane
just regarding the "rest" part
I havent had enough
and not working with my personal body clock!
or physical basic needs
or helping it
or making any attempts really
except when forced to by evenings in bed sobbing
or days in bed with cold and flu symptoms

working to the early hours on coursework
and the going to work
had an impact I see it now

I have to take action
I am to old for all this fighting sh*t

Hindsight and daily blogging and step10's
and friends, colleagues feedback
its all there I dont lie
and what I dont write down here
sits in my conscience
or on step 10's

More regular sleep
more regular getting up
back on regular food before 7pm
back on regular more water
back on regular exersize
less randomness
more structure
natural basic needs
HALT

I used to get over physical things easier
now it seems I dont
whether this is at the moment
or something I have to accept as the growing... up and old process?
whatever
I need to address it
more regular rest
which will compliment
my attempts to get to work on time more

one day this week 9.02
one day this week 8.58
progress, I want more of this it felt good!

Its passing... YAY! and money and inheritance

ear still on the warpath
was never promised perfect
such a little thing (my ear)
in the great scheme of things
but important
hearing, balance, ipod, communication...
I take them for granted
today I am grateful that I can hear
and my hearing is returning
and my health is stablising
I am aware this could just be a lull
but taking it a step at a time
and its ok, infact its more than ok
today has been about ear laughter
celebrating with cakes at work
for my results
and just getting on with my job
during office hours
and doing homework
and getting to uni
and not flunking tonights assessment
and I didnt!

i feel lifted
spririt lifted
ask the the Spirit of the Universe
for what you want, what you really want
and the universe will conspire to help you
the whole universe is behind me
I believe it! Paulo Coehlo

Step 11 working on it

I am coming to see that some major decisions
Life changing decisions are coming in the next 12 months
and some life changes I wanted to make in the next 12 months
make not be possible

I made some in road into moving
but its grinding and not going as easy as I thought
so I am holding back abit
it cant be the priority at the moment
or it would "flow" abit better

I have another letter regarding mum's estate
appeared this week
much as I should be grateful? the prospect of more money
its really not lifting me atall
Its alright joking about our inheritance
when our parents are alive
as all our generations seem to in our family
but when it becomes reality and it comes
it is a different matter

But it does put it in perspective again
Whose money is it all REALLY
and what it it to be spent on?
until i know, i dont spend
just continue living within my means

See is it mums, or is it mine and my brothers
or does it really just belong to the universe?
and is it to be used to stop work and study?
is it to be saved for ? my beneficiaries
my old age
my young age
someone elses?
are my earnings really mine?
what do I do with it ?
consume, spend
which puts it back in the universe again
mum earned money working, consumed, saved, died
some money goes into my bank
and out again... at somepoint whenever
into the universe again
hmmmm
whatever, just thoughts thats all
I need to contact them damn lawyers from last year?
be careful what "types" you hold a resentment towards
Start praying for them before the phone call

I had a resentment/fears for years about
the telephone office
and intergroup and my home group, Christians
and buddhists...
who knows one day I may become one of them damn lawyers!

now I am a happy active member of 3 out of 5
and enjoy spend time with and have friendships with Christians
and just willingly starting finding out about buddhism
after fighting for a while

It doesnt make sense does it
I dont really care anymore
the great plan
is simply off the scale of my mind
just trying to stay on rather than off plan
its so much easier conforming with god
rather than fighting

Right I am really off now
interhroup stuff to prepare for homegroup
conference topics are out
we have a 2nd group conscience tomorrow
to discuss and the out for
some smoothys to celebrate
excellent results
AA see miracles happen
there is absolutely no way this
would have happened if I hadnt turned up
and given IT ago!

AWESOME its just AWESOME

Passed with flying colours, Pre-mental tension, Step 11

Results out tonight!
Passed B in both subjects
This is Excellent!!

Inspiring to keep on keeping on
40 years old
no real school leaving exams
drunk for 20 years
now look whats going on!

Yes theres a long way to go
and this semeseter is harder
and I am finding it really challenging
more than last
this year is the practice run for next!

i wish I could share all joy
I could i suppose
but whatever I am blogging for me
if your interested in how
my mind body stuff is connected
well read on LOL
I find it all fascinating!!!!!!!!!!
and there is some more
study and step11 stuff
after the snot update

Physically ill
More than grief I feel
Though nothing major I also feel
after much snot moving and crying
i fear my tubes are blocked and really hurt!
I have to see the GP I cant hear properly!
and spending hours on the phone at work is my job...
this is some what of a problem!
Although today, I woke up with this curious feeling
that today there was something different about it
woke up with silence in my head
peace just for abit
Whats that about it?

I have some compassion at the moment
for the hearing impaired/challenged
Its an odd one!

And regarding PMT
I am going to keep a check on it again!
I've been in it this week
I havent kept a note of it
almost purposely as I have had a tendency to
diarise it to the day and 7 days before
try and pre-empt this mental stuff
in an almost risk management state
But I also wondered at the same time
if knowing it was coming... perhaps
I lived it, indulged it cos I expected it?

I have decided especially after this last week
I am going to go back to diarising it
so i know when to hand the crash helmets out
and buy the tissues
have the extra early nights
and be easier on myself
i really am emotionally challenged
around this time
and I do not want to take a pill
awareness, and taking care
not avoiding, just letting it come
and letting it go again
knowing it will at times
not be pleasant not not getting drawn in
with the drama
ok, see you in 21 days with this one!

Grateful to have such an amazing couple of marks
Huge respect for ALL students
Its takes obedience and perseverence
and loads of other stuff... aswell as anylengths

Miracles happen in AA

ok more home work now
I flunked a piece of course work today
I havent done it
Had to just accept it
I cannot do eveything I want
in the time I want
I have to put my recovery first
ie my health
early nights I have had
the last 2 nights have helped
no books no reading
yes crying
the 5.30am stuff
is just not practical
long term
its just a quick fix
and this week had suffered
I think
Live and learn!

Step 11
Doing some exploring and i feel safe
Reading The Tibetan book of Living and Dying
Listening to Eckert Tolle
thanks IFOBW
They say when the students ready the teacher appears
I tried the reading this a few years ago
and the listening a few months ago
and couldnt listen to or read them
tried to but not hearing or seeing what was written
this weeks been different
this tells me I am open to it
I dont know but doing it anyway
it feels comfortable (like dAAve says not forced)

Also made some inroads in a bereavement "course"
through church for a few months time
in "fellowship" with other people
with similar questions
around death, loss etc
Not looking for sympathy
just perhaps, from what I am reading
A relationship with my mum
it seems this is possible
I beleive it is, even for me
I have no idea how at the moment
It feels comfortable and not forced
Willing to try

Thanks for all your comments
emails and texts
they all help
I'm off to rest my ear, it REALLY HURTS!
OUCH
see ya!

Step 11 - Improve your conscious contact

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.p84

I am coming to believe
I have reached a turning point in Step 11

A few conversations in various forms
over the weekend
I realise how little I know
How childlike my faith actually is
It has seen me this far
And it has been enough
It has worked
but is it enough to see me on for the next few years?
No, i dont think so
I feel like I am entering my teenage years!
in this life area, (all my affairs)
....Coming of age!

What I am hearing is
Find your faith and follow it
devotion, grown in understanding

The time has come
It doesnt matter which way
Only good will come of it
To grow upwards a little more
Like in AA, dont take the cafeteria attitude
Find one and do it
get in the middle of the bed!

Up until a few weeks ago I felt
Consciously competent
in my faith - God and anythings possible
But this last week
I feel an unravelling
this weekend I felt like I fell apart
not in the nervous breakdown falling apart
just my old ideas in this area
are in need of some WORK
Its stopped working
God I love you
Show me whats next

Feeling consciously incompetent
with hope

Doing lots of crying
Last night I went home
and cried most of the evening
heavy gut wrenching sobbing
I can only describe what I feel around
this grief
is out of control
like a ship in a stormy sea
no idea when the next wave will come
no idea how strong it will be
no idea if we will come out alive!

Sadness around i didnt cuddle her enough when she was sick
sadness she suffered
sadness it was so ugly
sadness she died forever

I need help with this
and I have made some calls
bereavement / care / spiritual

This too shall pass
Letting go
Growing up
Letting people in
willing to change my ideas

Keep on keeping on

Dont quit before the miracle - Fellowship - Unity

There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish.P16

2006 Las Vegas Run for life
You know why they are doing it, raise money for Breast Cancer
but as you see from the faces, there is a vast amount of smiles
No I wasnt there, I just loved the vid



I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother
your sister, for your daughter, your wife
for you and me my friend

I run with those
looking and hoping for a solution
For the scientists and the researchers
For the nurses and doctors
for the carers and family
and friends
For us all

Race for Life
Last week I said I wouldnt do it this year. Why?
Afraid of asking for pledges donations
of the same people again and again and again!
yet each year I get to know more people
and so there are some whom I have never asked
Also by not asking is presuming
I know what you think!
which i dont

Why a change of mind?
Does Jimmy Savile say nah!
I wont ask the people of the UK
yet again for more donations
for Stoke Mandeville Hospital?
No he doesnt
he does it over and over
thats how he raised over
£40million

Bollocks to my pride
I'll do it anyway

Today I made a decision that I will
Its not all about me

Service is good for the soul
all of ours

Happy Mothers day Mum

By the way, when I say run...
I mean walk! its allowed!
80% of entrants walk 20% (the nutters) run!

Self pity in this area of life
is no different to any other
whats the solution?

Service, turn my thoughts to something useful

Today I have eaten, I am clean and stable
Off to do some more study, prayer, cry
make a couple of calls
Prayer works and strengthens
as do your comments
thank you

1. Where are you? Have you really gone forever? and 2. Step 11 and 3. HALT

why did you go?
where have you gone?
why did you go then?
why did you go in that way?
why arent you here now?
who decides how?
why was it so ugly?
why wasnt it different?
Why was it so quick?
Why did we have so little time?

lack of Power
lack of control
lack of understanding
lack of acceptance

Today I am ANGRY
Today I cried loads
ate, slepped, tidied, did some washing

Why aren't you here?
Why wasn't I there?
Why wasnt it different?
Why is it so final?
Why was it so early?
Why we didnt chance to get started?
Why?

Cancer
There is no criteria
for who gets it and who doesnt
healthy unhealthy
fit unfit
smoker non smoker
drinker non drinker
carnivore vegetarian
fat thin
tall short
old young
and all those inbetween

All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.P17

I hate cancer
I hate victim mentality
I hate there is no reliable cure
I hate the current treatments
Where did it come from?

Whats going on God?
Why give us AA for us alkies

What have you given for us for cancer?
How much money is thrown at this thing?
How much research?
How much time and energy?
What is it that we are missing?
Have we overlooked something?


I have reached a step 11 point
and I dont know what to do God
I hear things which make sense
I hear I have to improve my conscious contact
I am not sure what I am hearing is really you?

I dont know who you really are
and get to know you
find out who you are
what you are like
I didnt think I needed to
I thought you would disclose what you wanted
when you wanted
I just had to keep connecting and being honest
listen and do what you suggest
until now

What I do know is you are good
and want the best for me
and wont make me do anything I dont want to
I am afraid
of being given the wrong information
of having expectations based upon
someone elses perceptions
not on how it really is
I am afraid
Of being disappointed in you
losing this gaze I have
this awe and Love
I am afraid
Isnt what we have enough?
is there more?
is it you I am hearing?
is it true?
I am afraid
God I trust you aswell
i stopped listening to this a few years ago
Are you telling me I am wrong?
Are you telling me
I still havent found what I was looking for?
because I thought I had!





Is it getting better? no just different
Or do i feel the same? no
Will it make it easier on me,if I got someone to blame? no

Am I coming to you for forgiveness?
Will I come to try to raise the dead?
Do I come to you jesus to sort the guilt in my head
Am I asking to much?

This is where is it
PROVES to me that we have to want to get sober
and STAY sober for ourselves
not to have a relationship
more money
a better house
girlfirend
boyfriedn
or for the cat or dog
or to get and improve my relationship with my mother
I need to remind myself of this

He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.p98

It wasnt my motive for getting/staying sober
infact it didnt cross my mind
until she got sick
then I started to see
what could be

but somethimes like today
I ask myself yet again
why? did I get to a point when
I was just starting to live
have the money to make the flights
financially stable
happier
laughing with my mum
made amends
started to have a relationship
albeit overseas
all the rubbish
and stuff she saw and experienced
why I was drinking
with my drunkeness
and fights
and vomitting
and long periods of silence
Why did she leave
when it started to get good?
She isnt seeing all this!
Bollocks to it all then!
Not bollocks i may as well drink then
Just bollocks to any self improvement

See the defects of character
self seeking - approval seeking
selfish - I want her here to love and praise me
self pity - poor me

Today and and for a little while
I will let myself feel this, let myself be
and what ever else is to come
To thine own self be true

Yeh I have these thoughts
these defects are in me

Today I can feel and see all this stuff
and know it is exactly the way its meant to be
and I havent allowed my defects to drive me
How do I know?

Today I am studying
today I am willing to self improve
today I am thinking about step 11
today I am praying about a potential sponsee
Today I have done things useful
Today I am taking care
today I am grateful a friend of mine with cancer
is tucked up in bed sleeping

and that is where I am going to go now
pray and sleep and cry