Dont snooze and lose

Well known stats
show that many people
drink after Christmas
after new year

There is no need to drink
Go to meetings
help others
stay honest

dont drink
go to meetings

pick up the phone
before you pick up a drink

Pray for a sober day
thank HP for a sober day

write a gratitude list

read the big book

pick something from the
Just for today card
and do it
each day

start your day again

go to a meeting

Honesty - to thine own self be true

Christmas day

Consistently

Confuses me

I am confused

Consistently

Christmas day

Drinking

Sober

Doing service

With family

With AA's

In meetings

Home alone

Without faith

With faith

feeling the christmas meaning

Not feeling the Christmas meaning

I have been celebrating

And understanding

The light of the world

Coming through advent

And feeling it

Yet today

I feel like the party is over

Anti climax

Christmas day

Is about service

It has been for a

Number of years now

Yet over the years

That picture of

Christmas day service

Has changed considerably

This year i feel a chapter

Closing and the next one

Is not yet in sight

It has always been

A feeling of

A waste of a day

For as long back as

I remember

in sobriety

a need to

Find something to do

Attitude of service

Today has confirmed it

Organised service

Something i can

Plug into

We

Self seeking ?

Yes i need to do service

Otherwise i

Reminisce about

A happy christmas

I dont remember

Having

Cant quite see the

Truth from the fiction

On that one

And dream of creating

A christmas for others

Which i could plug into

And actually help

Create the fellowship

I crave

Learn to Learn then Learn to Teach

learning how to learn
was invaluable at uni a few years ago
peaks and troughs
breaks
running with it for hours
and accepting nothings going in at certain times

it began with learning to read the big book
read it and keep reading even though
I think its not going in...
and being suprised when eventually
it starts to seep out
incoherently and then coherently
wanting it and working for it...

yet now its another area
or is it two at the same time
I have had an insight
a vision for me if you would
and now its my job
to work towards it
sometimes quickly sometimes slowly

now i am learning how to teach
learning how to lead
learning how to sing
and learning how to study
and learning how to preach
and learning how to play
and learning how to accept who I am
and learning how to accept
the person I am becoming

sexuality

you knew all along
i'm afraid to speak
denying who I am
yet You say I can feel
you say You want me to feel
yet why do I find it so hard
to let go and be completely free
and say how it is
when you know all along
because you feel like this too
in this position I choose
yet so unsure what I can say
finding appropriate intimacy
in touch with my sexuality
we go our separate ways
no regrets
we are all children of God
knitted together
in imperfect perfectness
finding a second soul
who is unafraid
self control
coming at it with need
coming at it whilst running away
coming at it whilst finding yourself
amongst the debris of your life
intimacy with boundaries
love in its purest form
dont make it into something
it is not
or that it cannot be
not with me
our needs are not the same today
with the choices we made separately
trust that Love is
the Greatest Power on the earth
in Love we can be free
finding and feeling my sexuality
stepping backwards denying who I am
yet stepping into it with grace
trusting timing
idolatory sexuality
mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmm
mission in this life
to be free to serve others
yet stuck inside and stuck outside
where is the common ground
where is the point of need
finding the point of need to meet
to know God, not left wondering
to make a choice
to know or not
investigate or not
the rooms are so empty
the doors have been closed for so long
exclusion was too easy
a few verses
spoken without Love
slammed the doors shut
slammed the doors shut
leaving the outside out and the inside in
uncomfortable
in the uncomfortable zone
of no common ground
Spirit show us how we do this now

must be a song i there somewhere.... :)

... Honesty .... Honestly

its not just newcomers
Its old timers aswell
Destroyed without picking up a drink
AA is not a dating agency
AA is not a cure
12 steps are not just something to
Read and understand
This way of life is not a theory
We have to live it

Watching and listening
How co dependency
Or the belief that human power
Can relieve alcoholism
And the breaking of anonimity
And sexual obsession
weaves its threads
And eats away at whats been built

Sadly it reflects the importance
Of continue to be honest
Maintain
And grow
Change
In all our life areas
Dont just stop when alcohol
Obsession stops
We can be better in all areas

8 years sober !!!

Very grateful...

Open mind open heart

Spent last week living in a field
2nd year running
amazing singing/voice camp

This year beautiful Devon sun
Plungepool in the Holy brook
Compost loos
Bucket hot showers
cooking for each other
Campfire
Organic food
15 beautiful racehorses regularly playing
Thundering up and down the next field
Makes yr hair stand on end
Good friends
Face painting
Harmony singing
Chanting
Busking
Blues
Poetry

amazing creative
Inspiring
Encouraging

So safe you have to do something
Taking a risk becomes the thing to do

all obstacles are removed
No excuses

Writing 15 songs since
Learning how to write a song
last camp
This year became more
About performing them live
Singing and playing
Live infront of the other 89
Singers, non singers,musicians,
Children, friends, teachers
Such a fab environment

Seems my path is taking 2 strands
At the moment
Faith and singing, songwriting, performing
Its also about teaching others

I need to be taught how to....

Can feel it will all come together at somepoint
But not sure how
Yet its exciting
All the preparation

Just found out there is one place left on a leaders
Singing workshop its beem suggested i go on

Creating community choir,
accessible for all
Nothing to do with church singing
Everyone can sing,
No need to read music
if you can speak you can sing :-)

If you told be 13 months ago i would be doing
All this id have said yr bonkers!

Oh well
Openmind
Opem heart
Anylengths
Having fun :-)

Missing camp!!

DIY Doctors

Had a wisdom tooth out this week
so many people telling me
all the dramatic stories
some it would be a cinch
then which pills to take
before and after
thank God I just listen and do
what the experts tell me thesedays
it works

I was in there for nearly 45 minutes
he couldnt get hold of it cos it
had rotted
and so had to dig deep and lever it
then a root broke
so had to re dig and lever it out

metal implements stretching my mouth
til I thought it was going to rip
I had visions of him having to restitch
my lip up after....

Have so much respect for those who give birth
I have no idea what its like
yet having him force this tooth out
when it really didnt want to budge

am now very chipmonk like
on oneside and cannot open mouth
to even get a spoon in
so food intake is limited

I wish I could enjoy the time off work!
Birthday tmoro....
I cant even enjoy the cakes I would buy...!

also has a smear test today!
again not sure which is worse
smear or tooth out!
tooth out I think...
yet it took a while
to work out which implement
always does
nurse sang halleluiah when she hit jackpot

3 yearly smear test
:) regardless...
comes with being responsible

yet teeth
can do better
this is the only trouble I had since a child
so im grateful
yet i act ungraciously
need to clean teeth more
no more getting away with it

So yeh wisdom tooth extraction
beyond my wildest nightmare
but glad its out
just waiting on mouth to recover

grateful to the dentist
for persevering, kindness and skill

grateful for the nurse today
for persevering, kindness, skill and humour

Think thats my bodies MOT & service
done for a while :)

Self will is insufficient, build a mental defence And maintain it !!

Like A sea wall, stops the sea drowning a village, it doesnt stop the sea from coming at it, and it has no idea what the waves will be like... The humans who built the village, at somepoint built the wall as a defence & i suppose have a duty of care to maintain and strengthen the sea wall, and those who move there know there is a sea wall and why its essential (if they care) if no sea wall or not maintained... The villagers drown and we all feel sad. Yet no one says i told u so.

Its interesting (to me) how its impossible to stop the thoughts coming, they just come, in all shapes and sizes. Years dont stop the thoughts either.. A mental defence kicks (if now i have one) when the destructive thoughts or even simple negativity come and protects me. It doesnt instantly make me joyful!! Just defends from what sits behind the negative waiting patiently. If i don't maintain the defence, well the negative and all its rubbish that follows through just beat me down... My job was to a) acknowledge i needed mental help and b) try and get one c) maintain it now i have it

Longwinded way of saying left to ny own thoughts alone i will self destruct. With a mental defence built by first 9 steps and maintained by 10, 11, 12 no days off, rarely perfect and somedays are full of grace and other people forgiving me when i really fall short. Im still here. Had one amazing day :-)

Leanred Helplessness - in response to yesterdays link

timely for me too,
the uncomfortableness which was
put up with able for a while,
has now gone on for years...
and become the norm ... then reduce
to tears of frustration and powerlessness
everynow again, things chnage a little and then
...return back to same ol same ol ....
misery is optional,
although it doesnt feel like it right now ....
yet to let go absolutely ...
means a stage dive off into the arms ...
of a loving HP ... hasnt let me down yet ...
and only good has even happened when I have ...
not without challenge,
fear and suffrin, but flippin worth it ....
just got to do it ...
why wait ?
Do not delay ?
yeh well i've been tellin myself
it will be different tomorrow,
yeh I have another path to look forward to
and this would tide me over ...
but even that feels like sloth and a copt out
(dishonest to HP)
self will keeps me in learned helplessness,
the easy option, remains the dis-easy option ...
I dont believe God wants me
happy joyeous and free for part of my life,
I believe,
infact I know he wants it for all of me,
access all areas ...
hanging on the towel ... yet its getting harder ...
he wants me, and and i want it too ...
just got to let go of the towel ...
and follow my calling absolutely,
even before the next thing comes up ....
once I know, let go ....
the comfortable life is not always the spiritual life ...
make space for grace ...

first time ever I have made a decision and lented ...
I have been lenting off of cakes,
biscuits and crisps... my things,
and even though I thankfully dont worry
about my consumption,
abstainence of just these things has meant
I am seeing verything, in its full glory ...
lifes to short ...
the spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it ...
cant have my cake and or eat it... til Easter Sunday :)

God ... is it really is time for me
to get off the cross now because
you need the wood for someone else?!

Make it clear ..... or perhaps you just did ...!

Freddie - I want to break free

Learned helplessness

Paulo Coelho

In response to a comment... Meetings are rubbish locally & i think need to look where theres no gossip or politics ....

Meetings are meetings everywhere,
always opinions flying around. 
Always gossip sadly,
and it colours peoples views. 
I prefer to make my own mind
up and go with ones that
follow steps AND traditions,
service, love and tolerence, 
all inclusive. 
So indivudually we make a choice.
 Every meeting is different flavoured. 
Step meetings have been
paramount in my experience.
Local meetings are not crap,
there are some very sober
and serene people living
the program in them, however,
there are like eeryhwere,
people who are not!

Get a sponsor do steps, 
make a homegroup, 
do service, 
and go to anylengths to make
it best meeting in area
for the newcomer. 

AA isnt a social group. 
Its a place to practice 
tradition 5  and it will do
great works for the suffering
and the serene :-)

I also found a sense of humour 
in homegroups helps, aswell :-) 
i like step meetings as people
tend to share current and past
experience using the principle 
of that particular step, 
so i get to know the people 
who are living it on adaily basis
and those who just did the steps
and those who are in the steps
at whatever point. 
Anything goes, 
aa is big enough for everyone :-)
We need diferent support 
going through steps at each step,
it brings up duffernt stuff 
and somepeole dont want 
to do steps and so need 
support in diffeent ways
in neetings.
All good for learning how to practice
love and tolerence 
of all humans in and out of rooms :-)

And i get insights in how to 
and not to perhaps act in a
current or future life issue,
when i hear how someone
else handled it... 
Step meetings rock!! 

And i make great friends 
for life, week after week, 
hear whats going on, 
gradually we open up, 
and walk along side each other...
Joys and adversity ... 
Grumpy and happy, 
a good homegroup will level u
celebrate and prop u up 
at times.... 
So that u are in best condition
for the newcomer when she walks
in scared and shakey.
Togther we are ready. 

Regarding talk bill did the 
day dr bob died...
The oldtimers gave us our lives!!!
Yeh i love that talk, 
made me soo grateful 
he made that last call in
the phonebox in the hotel, 
and got hooked up with Dr Bob,
if he hadnt made that call, 
its unlikely AA would be..... 
Yeh see u At Step mtmg if u fancy it :-)
stick with people who have what
u want and you will get waht
they have!! :-)

Someone asked ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now?

Someone asked ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now? 

The answers to those 3 
questions are yes yes and yes

I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder. 
Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy. 
People, substance, things, places... Damaging. 
Cant live with it, 
cant live without it. 
Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.

Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion. 
I resented others and inside 
i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.

One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal,  was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober. 

Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on) 
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes. 
Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.

Is it much better now? 
Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human. 

Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come. 

What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing  not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes. 

There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something. 

Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.

Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)

Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.

Yeh man recovery rocks !!

Forgiveness

If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.

Rob Parsons - Bringing Home the prodigals

Of Sound Mind...........

A beautiful Revolution

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound saved a soul like me

step 5
We admitted to ourselves, God
And another human being

All my
Shame
Anger
Fear
Selfishness
Self pity
Self centredness
Etc etc
In detail

Nothing missed
In return
Grace
No judgement
Unconditional love
Forgiveness
Anonymous

In a further annual houseclean
More recent resentments and fears
Further layers peeled
Revealing deeper and remaining
Shame
Fears
Arrogance
Huge self will
Etc etc
In great detail
Nothing missed again
More grace
No judgement
Forgiveness
Uncondititional love
Anonymously

A few years later
Further layers peeled
Further stuff
Is revealed
Or same stuff
At a deeper level
Again grace
Forgiveness
No judgement
Anonymously

This week
My past stuff
My fears of rejection because
Of my past stuff
became Unbearable
Prolonging the rejection
Became sloth
And so, out of choice!?
Not because they asked me
As part of my application
For my future position
In ministry it became
Essential for me to
Let go absolutely
And reveal stuff i did
Lived and breathed
As part of my experience
Strength and hope
And all i want to do
Is carry message
Give hope
Reach out to the unloveable
Whatever that means
And for my own growth
Continue to be a part of
Church family
Be a part of
Take my coat off and stay
Perhaps when someone
Who comes in with bag of stuff
Which they too feel excludes
Them from church
Can offer them a cuppa tea
And warm welcome
Be responsible
Not anonymously

It is gods will i go into ministry
I am afraid of not being able to
Communicate whats needed
I am afraid of being misunderstood
I am afraid of rejection

Like my sponsor said
Its just stuff

Yeh i opened right up this week
Gave them my bag of stuff
In greater details
All stuff i done
No holding back
Yet honesty that i dont do
This stuff now
And have no wish to go back to it
Human acceptance is lovely
They understood and still
Gave me the application to fill in
Anyway !!!

Complete honesty
Is essential in certain circumstances
Not everyone can deal with it
Not everyone needs to hear it
But in this instance
Wisdom to know the difference
Came to me with clarity

Stop being so nice to me!!!!!!!!

Seems my calling is evident
I am a messenger
I love people
Peoples suffering makes me cry
I cant fix people
But i dont run off
Walking alongside is such a gift
And being walked next to
At the same time is priceless

God is amazing
AA is awesome
Fellowship rocks !!

:-)

Again

Written step 10's still work - make space for grace

Even though i KNOW
The power of written step 10's
Still suprises me

Everytime i begin just writing
Painfully hard to actually
Do it properly at times
Because i just dont want to
Yet i do want to
Because i KNOW
Amazing change happens
When i do

step 10's are my time
With god
Time which i need to make
This is my prayer and meditation
Time with god
Getting honest
Praying it out
And answers are coming

In this season of nightmares
as comes when i am out of control
I mean all around me is not going my way
Or not clear, or not decided
Or unfinished, or in progress
Further false promises at work
More and more is put upon us
The more i want to
Go back to living in a tent
In epping forest for the summer
or go and flake out for the summer
Do something else

S'funny how i want to go back
To when i had no possessions
Nothing much
Now i have so much
Its like a burden
Yet to get rid is difficult

Like i said before
Owning a property can be good
Can be bad
Renting a property can be good
Can be bad

Anyway im gonna see what
Blockbuster horror film my head
Picks out for tonights nightmare

Step10's are stabilisers
They empty our heads
And make space for grace


Work to live?
Live to work?
No .... Job or no job....
Relationship with HP is key

God show me what it is
You want me to do next

Forgiveness

Without Forgiveness we die inside

Help us to share our scars our wounds with others, it is more than empathy, it is a fellowship in suffering, a band to one and other. The knowledge that another understands our pain can be liberating. The pain may not go away, but suddenly it becomes bearable.

If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.

We may blame others for our own or our prodigals rebellion, for being judgemental when they should have been more supportive. For abandoning abusing us or them when they should have supported or comforted us. But we must forgive them, we must no matter what, we must stop nursing a hurt, we have to let it go, we must forgive, or we die inside.

If we feel shame for living wildly, thoughtless, selfish behaviour. We can repent (become willing to change) ask Gods forgiveness, we can start to make that journey home.

Forgiveness allows us to go on loving and to feel loved again.

Bringing home the prodigals - Rob Parsons

It is not for us to sit in spiritual pride
refusing to accept forgiveness, grace of God
and our family & continue with out guilt
It is not for us to continue feeling rejected
isolated, bitter & pushing ourselves
and others away even when we are forgiven
Our legalism towards ourselves only
puts up the fences which forgiveness
is trying to take down

I am finding my training programme
in my journey into ministry,
hugely humbling, transforming, liberating
ego puncturing
spiritually I am growing
My love for God and other humans is growing

Though fearful of what people think of my past
yet In Gods eyes I am forgiven
Getting vulnerable is tiring yet essential
Its one thing confessing all in a step5
its another doing it in an interview setting
in which will be read by many
which I may be questioned on
over and over in the next few years
Highlights my shame is still there
yet the lack of shock I receive from these people
the acceptance, the encouragement
moves me to tears

My experience strength and hope
is Gold to someone else
it is not enough to pass it on only in AA
not everyone who has experienced
what I have experienced
will walk through the doors of AA

My job is to be of maximum helpfullness
if I can give any hope to anyone
then I have to go to anylengths
Confess all my stuff
and leave it to God

So far they have not said no...
and neither has God

Being forgiven over and over
being accepted over and over
being encouraged over and over
being given opportunity over and over
being pushed into the limelight
is killing me to the point of tears
maybe I needed killing
letting go absolutely
letting go of the corner of the towel
letting myself be changed
being willing to conform to Gods will
accepting it all is hard work

good grief

Feeling like am becoming a puritan
and then I fall short... thank God

feeling like I have no idea how to be responsible
I am not skillfull anough

getting up and keeping on
in this direction
its tough
yet I wouldnt miss it for the world
:-)

God equips the called
he doesn't call the equipped

Happy Valentines day everyone, love from the Prairie Dogs :)

Prairie Dogs

Hiding behind Multi Media - the illusion of "communication"

I am really noticing at the moment
how the art of communication
ever changing evolving

the world has got much smaller
yet at the same time
it is actually preventing
conversations
discussions
things getting things done
the point is not always clear
and often missed
the meaning is distorted
and is often overlooked

Email after email after email
trails everywhere
waiting for responses
taking time writing responses
to responses
misinterpretation
misunderstandings
half stories
self seeking
not giving all the information
because it can be omitted
people rarely ask why or why not on email
its in writing a potential confrontation
by email.... so people take whats written
on face value
and try and get by
yet behind the screen
sitting in bewilderment
resentment
fear
defensive

picking up the phone today
and walking across the room
and talking to someone
over and over
picking up the phone again
discussing in person
with others involved
I HOPE has resolved something
faster
than it would by the lethargy sloth
and acceptance of the unacceptable
that its ok to put off til tomorrow
which could actually get done today
if we only spoke about it
and someone got up and saw it through

ok off my rant soapbox
I too hide or have hidden
or dont say what I want to say
allow others to hide and not respond
to perfectly reasonable questions
because we are free to take part or not
answer or not
and not give any justifications or not
to our actions

Having gone through years
of angst about picking up the phone
to sponsors or other AA's
because I
dont want to be a burden
dont want to say outloud what I really want to say
am afraid of what the other person will say
afraid to be a part of ... which
is what we are trying to do
be a part of a conversation
communicating with someone
for some reason

confrontation
or just having a friendly conversation
has become a thing of the past

hiding behind a haze of drunkenness
or behind a screen of glass/plastic

feels the same sometimes

yet when i pick up the phone
tell the truth
say what I want
let the other person speak
and come to a compromise
ie LET LOVE IN

its feels amazing

It always seems impossible until its done. Nelson Mandela

Good news you get your feelings back.... Bad news you get your feelings back .... Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.... :-)

I just been through an... i have taken on too much and and now letting go of many things, stripping back to basics, prioritising, learning to say no and i cant do this anymore period. 

Just also committed to 1 fun evening a week. Essential for where im at now as i tend to take life too seriously, its as essential as Home groups im early days. 

Realised this weekend. I can put into words how i feel, get the truth out. Step10, journal, songwriting blog etc. So my soul/spirit and mentally gets released when i cut through the crap to get truth (at that moment) Yet On a physical level, i am not convinced i physically feel fully how i am feeling. 

Was speaking to friemd  who works with sound, not singing necessarily, sounds from within from primal scream to whatever comes...  Wish she was nearer, i would give it ago, try and shift the block which is clearly there, i ive been noticing it more recently.

Looking at sound / singing release therapy stuff 

Suicide?... Supreme sacrifice? .... Self harm? ... No !!... turn towards a Loving HP and fellowship

Someone asked last week or so ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now? 

The answers to those 3 questions are yes yes and yes

I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder. Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy. People, substance, things, places... Damaging. Cant live with it, cant live without it. Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.

Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion. I resented others and inside i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.

One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal,  was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober. 

Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on) 
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes. Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.

Is it much better now? Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human. 

Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come. 

What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing  not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes. 

There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something. 

Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.

Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)

Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.

Yeh man recovery rocks !!

whats going on...

I just been through an... i have taken on too much and and now letting go of man...y things, stripping back to basics, prioritising, learning to say no and i cant do this anymore period.

Just also committed to 1 fun evening a week. Essential for where im at now as i tend to take life too seriously, its as essential as Home groups im early days.

Realised this weekend. I can put into words how i feel, get the truth out. Step10, journal, songs, blogs etc. So my soul/spirit and mentally gets released when i cut through the crap to get truth (at that moment) Yet On a physical level, i am not convinced i physically feel fully how i am feeling.

Was speaking to friemd who works with sound, not singing necessarily, sounds from within from scream to whatever comes... Wish she was nearer, i would give it ago, try and shift the block which is clearly there, i ive been noticing it more recently.

Why is it good for me to change and be changed ?

Self awareness? 
Knowing flaws and assets?
Working on current areas of life
..... where i fall short. 
Seeing and enjoying Where i fly.
Being honest.
Seeing self in... in my opinion
undignified, uncovered, unjustified,
undenied, stripped bare. 
Whats comfortable, what isnt?
What am i putting up with?
What am i slothfully loafing on...
....getting away with? 
What progress have i made?
What has become effortless? 

Why is that good for me to sit and answer these questions?
Walk into things which challenge
And scare me.... Not dangerously
Just things that create inside work on me... Work in progress

The truth sets me free...

Step 1 is about accepting powerless over my dependency....
And unmanageability ....

Ask for honesty around my condition... Whatever that condition/dependency/progress
 is today.

Ask to accept things 
i cannot change today
Enjoy the things 
i dont need to change
Ask for courage 
to change things i can 
Ask for wisdom to know 
the difference

Ask for power to carry out Loving Higher Powers will in area most needing to be addressed

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, 
and not tackle all my problems at once. 
I can do something for twelve hours that would 
appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Know i will not be given anything today i cannot handle
Know that i will be given exactly what i need today

Fear is simply a part of growing out of who i am into the person i am becoming... Part of a process

Letting go of People, places, things, actions, thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, opinions ... That hold us capture us 
Yet feel uncomfortable

Takes courage and effort

Ask for help from proven guide
Do whats suggested
Give time time
Dont quit before the miracle

Each small victory creates
A feeling of Wholeness :-)

It'll make my head spin
And
It'll makes my heart leap

Trust Loving God/Higher Power/programme/Spirit of the Universe that is good

Spiritual High's rock !!

Then repeat 

:-)

If i had a formula to create
A certain spiritual high when i wanted,
i am sure someone would sell it and
i would buy it over and over and
become greedy and dependent
Then would it be spiritual?
Or something else?
By nature spiritual high is spirit led,
good feeling, driven by love,
not created by humans
or in human timings yet
when we are willing to align ourselves
with the spirit of the universe,
let the spiritual surgery take place...
amazing things happen :-)

Well thats my experience anyway :-)

Feel better for getting that out
Tnx

what its like today

How you all doing today? Done anything interesting? I've been planning open mic, live performance since August... And never felt confident... Tnite i spent eve in a pub in Basildon... Open mic, which is good kareoke !!

Going in pub alone, didnt phase me, sat for a while, felt uncomfortable taking up a big table with just me... And as everyone borrowed chairs to add to their tables, i could see myself ending up at a big table alone with just my chair left with me on it and all other tables full... Are u Picturing it? So i went and stood at the bar. See this isnt a problem, cos my motive for goin was to check out open mic, and eventually sing?! (not hangnaround the bar)

By the way the slops trays still smell rank as do the beer towels :-) but suppose it was kindof nice being in a friendly atmosphere, no nutters, barmaid was friendly and encouraging, even suggested most people have a few drinka before they got up... I wondered just how many cokes and cups of tea i would need :-) after the guy doin the sounds, announced he is an agent and some of his acts kindly follow him around and start the evening off, i decided to just listen for abit. They were really good, i am wondering how they know the key, and it became apparant, he knows what key they sing in (cos theyre his acts) and they are experienced singers.

Yeh i was intimidated!! And too afraid to get up. They even tried out new songs, got them wrong, missed notes words, still sounded good tho. Pride won this eve... This eve! Was impressed i could order a cuppa tea at 9.30pm in pub :-) barmaid told me twice they do kareoke, all kinds!! On a wednesday, so come back wednesday.. Cant this week...

Interestingly to me at one point my coke tasted like vodka and coke... Yet it wasnt. I was surrounded by sights, smells and sounds of king alcohol, yet At no point did i find the stuff interesting. I left before last orders...!

In big book it says we will be placed in a position of neutrality (around alcohol) we will be neither cocky or afraid (around alcohol) this comes automatically p84/85 http://www.whytehouse.com/big_book_search/aspbook/ch6p85.asp?word=Cocky

So it works....

I had to avoid drinking places, go to meetings directly mirroring my drinking times, not go down the booze aisles in supermarkets, avoid supermarkets, off licences, cornershops, and live on takeways for ages, because the damn stuff used to shout at me... Buy me buy me. Sitting in bars on my hands drinking coke slowly was not fun.

Steps work, loving higher power provides us with the grace... In otherwords we deserve another chance at doing it different... In AA we are cut the slack we need to have it all turned around. Good things come :-)

Having said all that, i am still not entirely sure what HP is preparing me for... He moved me to one of the most exhibitionist counties in the UK...

I am being given microphones, a voice and front of stage more frequently and with ease than i would have thought possible... Who knows whats in the plan.

this county is a place to walk round with your skirt tucked in yr pants and no one bats an eyelid. Come to think of it they Are that Short ya may not tell anyway!!

I am not being intolerent... i am loving living here, am by the sea, learning how to be as outspoken and Cat off eastenders... Coming out of my shell... And it hurts... And i dont always want to do whats in front of me, the right things... Responsible, like eating and changing my bed... Dusting... Turning up for work, the satisfactory none dramatic stuff (yawn) responsible :-) But i wouldnt want to miss what comin :-) its all part of recovery

Ps. Smooth and safe drivin this evening :-)

Cost me £2.80 for tea and a coke and experience...

Dont quit before the miracle

Dont quit before the miracle. Go to a meeting, and then perhaps another one, and then maybe another one, better to sit in meetings and get some fellowship and listen, you will hear similarities and exactly what you need to do. Stick with th...e women and put your recovery 1st. There are alwasy guys and women who seem to be friendly with newcomers of the opposite sex, and perhaps they want to be. But cant leave it as unconditional friendship.. for whatever reason. Stick with the women and go to meetings. All the parties and celebrations come round again and again, once you are in good condition, you will be able to choose whether to party or not, have people round or not, allow alcohol in your house or not without being hijacked into it. Go to a meeting :)