I Have Faith

"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran

"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran

"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran

"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran


Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before

I now see why i am still here, not there

as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has

we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis

thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed

I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...

yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you

Leave it be now Johno, let go

this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...

there are no coincidences

two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week

Its a beautiful day

Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran

Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times

I am grateful and also am scared

My mums scans being clear
my mum being in a positive mood today
the oncologist being positive
being sober

having said that i am
feeling scared... people drink when their mums get ill/die
i feeling abit lost
i dont feel strong
am ill aswell which dont help
this too shall pass
i need to have faith
lean on my higher power

natural instinct is to tell everyone
those i tell just say am doing the right things
it dont seem like am doing enough
i guess I just have to have faith
i been honest with them
they can see better than me at the moment

Day at a time
whether i drink or not is not my business
i can only put in the footwork
do the right things
seek counsel

let go

God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen

any other ideas ?

My Mothers a Superhero

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works. P28

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15

My mum went into hospital for tests friday
today she was diagnosed with lung cancer
Its her third time, breast, bladder, now lung
she texted me the other day
"you have to be brave to want to grow old"
how true is that

When I told my family today, they just kept asking
why her, how much more can she cope with ?
I just could say, its her, because she can cope
and she will keep going until she is ready to stop
so we just keep going aswell

Am grateful today

that I am sober
part of a loving fellowship
that i was able to tell my mum i loved her
that i had a meeting to get to
that i could say no to doing a chair tomorrow
that i didnt expect to much of myself today
that i went back to basics
HALT, praying, meetings, talking, step10 ing

that i can cry & not feel sorry for myself
that i am able to feel emotional like a human being
that i am not the emotional cripple i used to be
that I can behave appropriately without hiding my pain
that I can take suggestions from newcomers
that i notice, my pride kicking in

that i was able to make my amends to my mum last year
that my mum and i regularly communicate nowadays
that I have had a few years now of loving this woman
for who she is, not what I would like her to be
that i can accept that although she is "our mum"
to me and my brother, she is "our mum" to a number of people
to accept she is a remarkable woman
My mothers a Superhero

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. P102

I need to get myself in fit spiritual, physical & mental condition
Even though I have come down friday with an odd chest complaint
almost like i came out in sympathy!?!?!

Tomorrow, she will have brain & full body scans & biopsy
to see if its spread & what type it is
tomorrow we find out what the next step is

Keep on, keeping on
My job is to do the next right thing
Gods will, not Johnos

What happens next, depends on which way she wants to go
I want to be there to help her do it with dignity

Grateful for my Higher Power
Grateful for the strength of the fellowship
Grateful for the strength of bloggers
Grateful for the "kit of spiritual tools" p25
Grateful for Sponsors everywhere

God doesnt give us more than we can handle...
I have faith

All page ref's to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Step 4

Its coming on, thats all i can say
am doing it
even resorted to using step 10's as an avoidance tactic
hows that win win

thanks for comments
it all helps

keep on keeping on

Works going ok
am expecting to be a superhero again
and am not
at least i worked it out before i got too much of a strop on

am grateful

Just remembered the fork

Smile

Stop Comparing yourself

We subjected each relation to this test --was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.
P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

yeh, there really is better ways
they were all about me
all on my terms
yeh the other party may or may not have got something out of it
but that really was not that high on my agenda

how bizarre I have been in denial
I have blamed another area of my life
for issues and just bathed in that victim like state
not bothering to look to the ideal and grow towards it
always just assumed it would just happen by magic one day

one day I would be cured miraculously
i just woke up a bit more
my thinking has just changed abit
i just seen it from an entirely different angle

could be right, could be wrong
anyway i got it down on paper and looked at it
and now i am trying to let go
and move onto the next

but i cant, i just had a God moment
a life changing feeling like someone switched the light on
and i got hope that there is hope for me
I am not a hopeless case

Ok HALT, i ate, am not angry or lonely but am tired
so am going to sleep

been having conversations lately with someone
telling them to stop comparing them selves with others
and get on with the step they are on
and i just had the same conversation with my sponsor
without realising it, until i got told to "stop comparing"
mind my own business
its not good for my self esteem

Honesty, is key, because i forget, its good to be reminded
about my assets aswell as my liabilities

Am grateful

Today

has gone really ok
i even realised that my mum dont need me to pass on program stuff
she already keeps stuff simple
and doesnt project

strange it didnt rub off on me then
i didnt point it out to her
no need, she probably assumes i knew this stuff for years
(yes i am a mindreader)

anyway, done more step 4
still stared, but no beatings today
realised how my loneliness has been, could be, is such a liability
and how chronically selfish i am, can be, have been, could be

thank god am in with a chance
now i know

i need to check my motives before i do anything
prevention is easier than cure
especially as sometimes there is no cure

Step 4 Seaching & Moral

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

It says looked, not stare & re live it.
It doesn't say beat yourself over the head with a stick
it doesnt say you have to make amends
it just says get it ALL down on paper and look at it
Fuckinell
i thought there wasnt gonna be much to put down
but when you put it that way

living with an odd head, with hope
doing the right things
doing it anyway
enjoying it inspite of it all

Am grateful
for doing service
for choices
for willingness
for a sense of humour
for taking action
for patience
for honesty
for love
for the great lyricists of this world

This time last year
I was 5000 miles away
typing on a keyboard in heat
with insects fluttering all over
surreal so much has happened this year

am sober
am getting stronger
am staying stronger
am waking up
am staying awake
its worth it
am worth it

Let Go
Let God

Keep Letting Go
again, and again, and again

All is Quiet in this Alkys Head
On New Years Day

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another day in the 4th Dimension

I am grateful

for being useful today
not doing what others did today
doing what i get paid to do
doing also what i been asked to do
not being a loafer "just because i can get away with it"
doing a days work, instead of fantasising

making another attempt at step4
Just for today & didnt act out when it hurt
Just for today I sat with it and did a bit more

got honest with another human being
being told its ok to be reminded
admitted my feeling vulnerable
seeing its ok to not do it perfect
seeing i need help
seeing thats the whole point
seeing how much I have acted out on my loneliness in the past
having choices today in more and more areas of my life
talking it instead of texting it

"scream in, scream out...time for healing"
(Just the way am feeling - Feeder)

for another sober day in the 4th dimension
and the willingness to get words down on paper

Step 4

Making an attempt again tonight
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option

I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting

Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine

I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level
so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice

I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that

You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
so...
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do

just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch
and
DONT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD

i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow

yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you

Shut the fuck up

One Amazing Day

I am grateful for

Waking up without fear
getting bath n breakfasted
saying my prayers
reading daily reflections
Thy will not mine be done

Leaving the house in plenty of time
dressing becomingly
having my own transport
the roads being clear
the weather being dry
being in the present moment

arriving early
calling my family
sharing the excitement of Father Christmas's visit
friends
being willing
having dressed warm
having a conversstion without discussing recovery
just keeping it very light
trying my best
not giving up, even when i thought i wasnt in the right place

being reminded our post IS important even when it doing appear so
seeing the importance of all parts no matter how small
sulking cos, i wasnt a larger part
thinking about what being a part of means

walking round talking, paying attention
giving it a go
not sitting waiting for it to happen
having a game of table football
losing 11-1 and still smiling
someone shooting up
reminding me how feeling safe is not enough

doing fire duty
feeling like i got nothing in common with these people
feeling like am ready for going home time
continuing doing it anyway just for excersize
something telling me, it doesnt matter about what i think
its none of my business whether i have anything in common
it works because there are "too" many of us
it works because we do it together
it works because we are not all the same
it works because its unpaid
it works because we all want to be there
it works because there are no staff shortages
it works because its LOVE & SERVICE

HALT i am tired, things are becoming strained
Waiting for the debrief, i wanted to cry
i saw someone who was going to a meeting across town
i wanted to go to bed
i wanted to stay for the meeting here
Principles before Personality
AA is not a social group, even on Christmas day
Dont quit, your job is not yet done

I sat in the meeting knowing no-one, feeling tired
its warm, and safe
i drifted off during the chair
and came too
and drifted, wishing i was in bed
a few shared back, still sleepy

then i heard it...
"My names xxx I am an alcoholic
its my 1st day sober... i have been waiting
all day until 5pm for this meeting to start
i want to get sober...."
To share back, in its simplest form
was enough to wake me up
to give me a reason to turn up tomorrow
to show me that even when I (the great me)
has know idea what I have in common with anyone
I dont know what I dont know
God really does move in mysterious ways

There are at least 4 people around tomorrow
inc me who want to stay sober
and theres another meeting tomorrow night
Dont quit before the miracle
The meeting ended magically for me
Lots of love, a few tears of gratitude
Hope followed us out
fellowship remained
Love is in the air

I have come home, had a warm bath
ate some of my favourite things
listened to "My favourite things"
and now I am going to bed
For that I am very grateful

Its all helping me understand this brotherly/sisterly love
this friend amongst friends
worker amongst workers
AA amongst AA''s
its not all about me
but if i can make a difference
with my experience thats a gift
its not my job to fix the world
being part of a process is enough
behind the scenes is important
its also rewarding
lots of parts make a beautiful whole
keep letting go, again and again, and again

Am grateful you gave me a beautiful smile
Which I can give to the world

My Primary purpose is to stay sober
& help other alcoholics acheive sobriety

Thy will not mine be done
let go let god

Another lesson in humility learned today

Thank you for another safe and sober day

Its becoming clear

that I am making progress
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on

put in the action
let go of the outcome

someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!

Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?

whats going on

I am grateful

for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given

Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me

oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,

"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"

Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up

I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home

Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas

I am grateful for...Accepting I am Lazy!

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and
the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful for.....
Finding out & accepting
I AM lazy & selfish re my work punctuality
Monday got up earlier, did the suggestions, still late
but with different attitude
today, got up earlier, and got to work ON TIME
with a different attitude

I choose to get to meetings on time
because i guess it suits me
the people who have what I want turn up early
stay after

I choose to stay in bed longer and get to work late
I choose to lie there with "all the people in my head"
its a choice, my bed time is more important than my employers
its my choice to make the time up, they have no choice
its all going my way, they dont discipline me
Selfish, chronically self centred, lazy.
LAZY!!!! ME THE GREAT ME
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH
yes its true when you put it like that
okay, okay, okay OKAYYYYY

I prayed last night, for my Higher Powers help
on my laziness, envy, selfish, inconsiderateness
and prone to waste money... now I have a little reserve
I prayed for me to live in the solution to these defects
to have loving thoughts, to be useful
to have consideration for other people time
to not waste money

I prayed it all again this morning
something happens when i pray like i mean it
even when its through gritted teeth
even when i stayed in the bath a little to long "with the people in my head"

I got to work on time....NOW THATS A MIRACLE

Am grateful for a sober day
having a sense of humour
for the meeting being fun tonight
for someone making it back after a drink last week
for being trusted
for being honest at work
for practicing To Thine Own self Be true at work
for my appraisal going better than expected

for being honest about my timekeeping
for my employer, overlooking this "difficulty"
(even when i get honest & not improve, they still chose not to discipline me)
(how can that be ????!!!)
for being willing to try and change my lateness
from an entirely different angle
for being willing to change... a day at a time
for finally seeing my lateness finally as part of my acting out
another "old idea" i hadnt be ready or willing to let go of
dishonest behaviour going on since childhood
like the late nights
i dont want to or need to be like this anymore

Progress NOT Perfection
Easy Does it but Do it
Day At A Time

I am grateful for

Not lying in bed thinking for too long today
Doing some step4
Having a bath
Eating
Doing the stuff I intended to...
Meeting up with someone
Going to the theatre with someone else
Enjoying being in the moment
Sharing stuff
Listening

Having a friend take my inventory
Finding out I am...
LAZY
CHRONICLY SELF CENTRED
SELFISH
My time is far more important than my employers...
(well it must be if I am to be judged upon my actions)
just because I dont turn up on time to work
see that "just because" minimising my behaviour
thats how important it isnt to me
if it was, i wouldnt do it
getting away with it, cos I can
i dont want that, not really
i am waiting to get disciplined
then i can pull out the poor me's
shouldov, i wish i hads...

Frickin ell...
too many similarities for this to be untrue
Now I know the truth...
do I choose to sit in denial & dishonesty
or face up and be willing to change

psssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh
that was the sound of my ego being punctured

honesty
acceptance
openminded
willingness
action

how many people am I gonna talk it through with
before I actually try it
how many years am i gonna live like this
try the suggestions a day at a time, for a couple of weeks
see what happens
I cant, i am on holiday for some of that...
NO EXCUSES
try it anyway

am grateful for
outing my envy
I am no longer alone
experiencing it, without having to isolate
that it didnt drag me down today
having friends who tell me what I need to hear

a sober day in recovery
the truth

the truth, i can deal with

I landed today - with JEFF

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. P145 Alcoholics Anonymous

Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously

JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up

I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked

self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts

How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards

Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth

Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process

Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass

Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History

Boring & Glum??? NO

I am grateful for...

6 fab days in Spain courtesy of A convention
meeting up with some amazing people
having a sun tan in December!!!
praying on the beach
feeling connected with my higher power
on a moonlit beach, waves gently lapping the shore
no fear, alone, me and God

the last time I was there I was drunk
I needed a reason OTHER than hanging around bars to return
i wanted to revisit old friends who own the bars
I met with them, they are still my friends
the number of years I have been absent didnt matter
the people that matter dont mind
they understood (kinda)

You gave me a reason, a purpose
I had so much fun
laughing like kids, with people I hardly knew
Collecting numbers, emails

In a step 1 meeting in another country
sharing with a 17day sober last night
reminded me loads
surreal, its the same message worldwide
I knew that...you told me
but now i experienced it too in yet another country

I done it drunk
Now I done it sober

I got friends in meetings
I got choices today
You given me a life I never had before

My head stayed present 95% of the time
the wave of loneliness, came and went
i let it come and let it go
the big book holds some magic dust
reining my mind back with the tools

For someone who couldnt get out of bed
Couldnt speak to anyone
couldnt utter words of more than 1 syllable
couldnt look you in the eye, incase you spoke to me
was scared of speaking incase... incase
this is how it was for me
this is how it was for a long time drunk and sober

This week...its a miracle
I went alone, with the belief that I wouldnt be alone
For once, my own thinking was to be trusted
this convention was a gift from God
I did Gods will not mine last night
I came back to somewhere I like in Gods time, not mine

Its levelling out
Am becoming someone I like
Am starting to trust people are not humouring me
Am slowing with the thinking its all gonna go pear shaped
Lifes getting interesting
a day at a time
Its getting to be an adventure

Errr, thats not true, am fearing going to work tomorrow
just incase they decided I became indispensible
while i was away

Progress NOT Perfection

Thank you for another sober & safe day
Serenity... I got some
Peace ... I got some of that too
Sanity ... yeh no thinking about drinking
Part of ... this loving fellowship
Living ... yes i am

"God wants me... Happy Joyeous & Free"
Thank you Spain

Walk on water...
I had to come home
I started to believe anythings possible

You snooze, you lose

And with us, to drink is to die P66

In the realm of King Alcohol
with people whom know me
but dont themselves share the drink problem

infact we were just having a conversation about
the greater power of my own understanding
waitress took my order "cafe latte"
no alcohol was ordered at our table

Many questions came up about
alcoholism
mental, physical, spiritual
whats an alcoholic etc
all stuff that when i talk abt it,
it reminds me that I am an alcoholic
it reminds me that i am in the fellowship i believe in
it confirms to me that i do have faith in my own experience
and in the experience of others

i took a sip of my coffee....
the strange aroma n taste went up my nose
1st thought
"what the fcuks that ? mmm... no-one will know"
1st action
"taste that will ya, tell me whats in it"
urm its got booze in it
2nd action
pass to the other
nah its just coffee flavour
3rd action
leave it aside, cos I DONT KNOW WHATS IN IT
ITS MY SOBRIETY, MY RESPONSIBILTY

this proves to me
My insanity around alcohol is still there if i take a drink
I dont know if it was coffee flavor or booze,
it is the first drink that does the damage
if I asked enough people, they'll tell me what I wanted to hear
"its just coffee flavour!?"

even waitresses make mistakes
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I didnt listen to my head
I am grateful that I took some action
some responsibility for my own sobriety

Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none P107

How silly would this have been
"I had to finish the latte off its probably really is only flavour,
as I woulnt get a drink for ages if i dont!!!"
but it did cross my mind
(it didnt cross my mind to just order
another coffee or some water either)
insane

Its just further evidence that proves if alcohol
or anything remotely like alcohol is in me
my insanity returns pretty fast
just incase i forgot

theres a drunken fairy
she just sits there waiting patiently
waiting for me to snooze
waiting to help me lose

Thank you God for reminding me
What i needed even when i didnt know I did

Grateful and sober
thank you God

Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book

I am grateful for

for window of opportunities
for having the courage to try them
for wanting growth
for belonging to a fellowship
so much being on offer
I am in such a good space
seeing the whole world of opportunities are out there
all i got to do is the next right thing
turn up
trust my HP
trying it
pass stuff on
give unconditionally
Let Go
Let go
Keep letting go
Doing
not thinking
laughing lots
acceptance
no resistance
least expectation
honesty
willingness
openmindedness

am on a pink cloud
lots goin on n am doing
the more i do, the more creative I become
the more creative i become
the more opportunities come up
the more i give, the more i get back
unreal BUT VERY REAL

Unity Service Recovery
Thank you God
a beautiful day

Lesson 1
learn to give unconditionally (yeh i progressing ok on this one)
Lesson 2
learn how to receive (theres an art to this)

I guess if my unconditional giving
has a condition which disallows me to receive,
then am not really giving unconditionally am i???


having said that.... the futures bright...

Growing outwards

It feels to me that I am not backing away from contact with others
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too

no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway

I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity

I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
balance
it is an art, its all art

The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go

I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life

And I am liking it

We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed. P25

stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
blogged
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves. P84

Look at the evidence

Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
unclean
malnourished
lonely
exhausted
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow

AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works P28

The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed

tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools

Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...

one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful

All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)

First things First

Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous

It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking

Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Change or die

Justfukindoit

An eskimo spoke & triggered my defects

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! P101

I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long

Luckily
sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass

Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101

The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me

I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come

i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me

still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway

I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles

the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on

just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way

Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous