Doubts - Self will - no Its Gods Will - More gratitude - Remember where you came from! And what a miracle today truly is!

this ones about me!
and about me!
and more about me!


I tend to be grateful everyday
for my life today is so much different
even in the darkness and sadness and fear
I have felt recently
I am still grateful and know
its how its meant to be
yeh there is always something I could have done
but I didnt and couldnt so havent
so it was how it was
yesterday is passed

Study is hard
its harder when the teachers cock up
and do not work together
I get resentments
and my rebellion kicks in
and I sulk and well f@ck it then appears
and then I fight it and read regardless
even when i think its not going in
turning up and trying
even when i'm getting really bad marks!
just like the majority!

tonight they say yeh its all going to be taken care of
I still doubt! and think whats the point...

I cant do what they ask of me
for when they ask of it
yet I dont know why not
and I am not asking a question
just saying how it is
Never seems to be enough hours
and then I think what the hell do I do with all my hours
What? Think

Someone said I had a David Platt look tonight!
Which is rather apt considering what
we are studying at the moment...
and yeh if looks could kill
i am walking round with rather a serious face on
and then the lecturer made us laugh...
someone asked if I should be put on suicide watch?
see... right now I feel ok, just taking it seriously
a few weeks ago, I put myself on suicide watch!
infact I was watching myself
noticing the madness etc
its just how it is at times

Anyway
I took the train home
Standing on Blackfriars platform
which is a bridge over The River Thames
and did a 360 degree turn
Its a clear night
half moon
"Fresh" London air
Moonlight in the water
and the blues and pinks and white and yellow
of Londons lights along the Thames
360 degrees
St Pauls Cathedral
The Gherkin Swiss re Tower
Tower of london
Tower Bridge
Tate Modern
OXO Tower
London Eye
Trees all lit up along the South Bank
Waterloo Bridge
Somerset House
And there I was stood on this platform
in the middle of all this
realising that I am living a dream
20ish years ago
I could only dream of living here
working here
and now studying here
all at the same time
and passing for normal
in all areas
most of the time
normal = humanlike imperfect
mostly acceptable and appropriate
whatever the circumstances
socially skilled sufficiently
loveable without hostage taking
with a sense of humour
and a cheek that would put a monkey to shame at times
and a strong sense of direction
even in the darkness
the door is always there somewhere
even though I get called
nuts or whatever sometimes
I get called upon by the same people
for reassurance at times
I dont care anymore
I am blessed to stand on that bridge
be on my way home
from a productive day at work
and an attempt at a subject
thats frickin mindblowing!
and be regarded by my peers
as a winner!?
arrogance - I have to high standards
and I beat myself into a shameful
condition with it.
Its not Good Johno

Its all good really isnt it
We are doing alright!

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I am found
Was blind but now I see

just sometimes I
need to remind myself
to stop being an ungrateful git
somepeople like I used to
really would
kill for the days I LIVE today

Feeling slothful
and self willed
I need to be careful
sulking is not good
neither is trying to hard

Spending alot of time
feeling like a fights going on
in my head
all this new stuff
its all like clashing around in there
in my head

Whatever... rambling late night thoughts
just getting it out

Blindly goinging where no man
has gone before... haha
Good night