RELAPSE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS

Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58

My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. P43

If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work P99

For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more P107

But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be. P117

You will lose the old life to find one much better P120

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think.....Though the old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones,the new structures will take years to complete. p123

The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt -- and one more failure P151

Again it was the old, insidiousinsanity -- that first drink P154

He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will knowloneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-offplace. He will wish for the end P152

A friend of mine commited suicide this week, she relapsed in June, had a nervous breakdown, and now she is dead. A progressive illness, RELASPE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS. Her last messages to me were ones of loneliness & a need for the light to be shed on her darkness.

ITS A KILLER ILLNESS, IT WANTS TO GET US ON OUR OWN AND KILL US.

DONT EVER LISTEN TO YOUR OLD THINKING JOHNO, CHECK IT OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS (ME) BETTER BEFORE ACTING OUT ON IT.

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL OR DIFFERENT, DO IT OR DIE

Am grateful to have known Kim, in such a short time, we became friends

AA am grateful that i am alive and sober today, with a Sponsor thats shoots from the big book.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves COULD restore us to sanity" P59 by getting honest about my, old obsessive/destructive behaviour which i didnt know what to do with, except suffer with alone & dishonestly act out on, with fear. I got some hope tonight & a little calm. I became willing.

From what I can see & correct me when i am wrong, hanging on to, or acting out on, OLD ideas/thinking/behaviour only brings misery & pain... according to what I read in the Big Book tonight.

All pages quoted from Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)

Kim VS you are with the Angels, no longer suffering

I had a dream

My heads in a spin, i am having to let go of possibly the biggest and most destructive old behaviour i have & its about killing me and my sponsor (imo) in the process.

I just got honest, in my own innocent demanding, childlike needy, give me more and more and more and more way, pissed my sponsor right off and my heads completely mashed up, i got shown the destruction & hurt that i can cause.

I dunno, this brainwashing .... well my brain needs washing is true for me

Its horrible that i leave this trail of worn out people along the way in my wreckage. i want this to stop NOW. But its not my in my time, its my HP's time.

So i dunno whats gonna happen next, get the sack ? lose my sponsor? drink again or do the steps and get my teeth off everybodies necks, God what have you got instore for me?

am i abusing this gift of AA ? STOP analysing. LEAVE IT THERE thats none of my business

Anyway they say pain is the touchstone of growth, i flippin hope so for both our sakes.

The dream on Monday night

I was lying in hospital with people around me, and the life support system has been turned off a while. There was this countdown going on, i was counting down the time I had left to turn the machine BACK ON. It was my choice if i did or did not, but if i got to Zero then its too late dead.
...... 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 at three i turned it back on.

Three is a significant number in my life today - read into that what you will

The steps restore me to sanity, i never had sanity before.

Getting honest wi my motives

am willing to change
am gonna pray to my HP to do for me what i cant do for myself
blind faith
i dont know whats gonna happen next
a journey of discovery & recovery
altered attitudes
spritual experience ? mines a bit less gentle than that at the minute, it is an experience yes
keep on keeping on
Remember the fork

Jealous by nature, false & unkind

Eurythmics

Love Is A Stranger

Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love loveIs a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff
It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession
Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love loveIs a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff
It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you soIt's an obsession
It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Today

I am grateful for

• Having apeace & quiet morning
• Seeing my dad & his girlfriend dancing & singing (acting like kids) having fun
• My dad being happy
• Not filling the day with too much
• Getting home ok
• getting to a meeting
• talking afterwards
• talking on the phone
• Not being too neurotic that "i missed the point entirely" on my step8 column 3
• Accepting that other people dont understand that this process is working for me
• Accepting that other people wont understand why i dont get a softer sponsor
• Accepting that i am getting the results i want/need from this process
• Accepting that i am not good at following the instructions my sponsor gives me
• accepting that i need to journal aswell as blog
• accepting that i dont want to put everything down in here that i feel
• noticing my blog got left on someones pc "history" over the weekend
• making a decision to change my rooms around
• not making a decision today when to do it
• having a day off tomorrow
• getting a "reminder" what it was like being legless & negotiating a public toilet
• being sober
• being clean (showered)
• having a good weekend
• being ok with the imperfect
• being home
• having a washing machine at home
• having a purpose
• keeping on

today I took the coach home, negotiating a tiny toilet cubicle on a moving bus, which was travelling through the bumpy, streets, (ie not smooth motorways) & turning corners, pulling up at traffic lights & stopping at public crossings etc. Being in that enclosed space took me back, reminded me of being drunk, not being able to stay upright, being slammed against the side of the cubicle because i overbalanced & not being able to stand up straight to get tidy again, whilst trying not to touch anything !! and wishing the room would stop moving & i wanted out. It was horrible, powerless, especially when the light kept going off aswell. Frickinhell.

But the endurance paid off because the toilets at the meeting were out of order through lack of water.

ONCE AGAIN MY HP HAS THE STRANGEST OF SENSE OF HUMOURS
at least i have one (a higher power) & i listened to it

Rule #62 dont take yourself so damn seriously

Learning to deal with

Disillusionment - To free or deprive of illusion

Today I learned that its ok, to take part in life as long as I expect the unexpected. Its taken me a long time to open my mouth & voice my opinion & not worry what you thought. For years if i did dare say what i thought, when it might not be what you wanted to hear, i would worry about what would happen next. If you looked at me after, i would worry for weeks, drink on it, replay it over and over in my head.

I am allowed to voice my opinion, as long as i remember other people are too.
I also must mind my own business what people think of me, no matter what.
I am powerless over other people, no matter how well intentioned my intentions are

Today
I am grateful for

• having step 10's
• the people that tell me the ego puncturing truth
• the truth that always sets me free (eventually)
• that everything teaches me (positive & negative)
• that i am still growing
• accepting i am imperfect
• the willingness to listen & take suggestions from those that walked before
• Knowing that i dont have to do tackle my whole lifes problems today
• Knowing that I do not have take on board everyones suggestions
• remembering nowadays, if i do what those who have what i want do, i get what they have
• accepting that i may not have what people want
• Accepting that others walk a different path to me & do stay sober
• that people dont always agree with me
• that i accept that i can be wrong
• accepting that my experience wont help everyone
• accepting that my experience does help some
• for the 1st 100 members telling us Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous
• the the 1st 100 members telling us Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroysmore alcoholics than anything else. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous
• restraint of tongue & pen
• Respecting anothers request to butt out in the future
• Learning from everybody, no matter who they are
• Staying sober today
• Ending the day free of anger & resentment
• Being reminded what a great gift Accepting that I am an alcoholic is
• Staying sober today
• For going to bed free of fear & resentment
• For being a part of something that wants the me to comprehend peace & serenity
• Keeping it in the day

Here we go

Inspired by a few blogs

I am grateful for
Waking up sober today
Waking up without a hangover
Not being irritable when I got jumped on & kicked in the head, by the under5's again, so i was sleeping at 6.30am!!
For answering the phone to someone that relapsed last night
For my head clearing the second i heard what terror sounds like
For doing my lousy best
For seeking help from the big book
For seeking help from my sponsor
For not going swimming with them - cos i didnt want to
For having some quiet time to myself to reflect with no noise
For having my big book to study
For having a meeting to go to tonight nearby
For taking a walk out this afternoon to find out where the meeting tonight was & how lng it would take to walk/bus there
For not asking for a lift, or expecting one
For deciding to go & not making a fuss
For telling them I was going to meeting & not feeling guilty for going out on a saturday night, when i a guest
For putting my recovery first
For the meeting being so loving
For the scared newcomer that came & stayed & listened
For his partner that came & stayed & listened
For the AA & Alanon sharing it was magical
For the love i felt in that room for both of them & for all of us
For having somewhere to go and hear what i need to hear
For letting my family know what time i hoped to be back
For getting back within a minute of that time
For the chinese meal waiting for me when i got in
For not sitting watching a movie that made me uncomfortable
For washing up instead, even though they told me not to
For knowing that I wouldnt do it in the morning, they would
For doing the right thing, not what they suggested
For being safe
For being sober
For meetings having this ability to heal & calm me (spiritual surgery)
For reconnecting with my HP & the human race
For getting out of my head
For kids that love me even when i dont give them what they want
For childrens laughter & giggles
For a cheeky smile
For having a bed to get into now (into a bag & some cushions)
For being grateful
For being a part of

Thank you

Keep it in the day & let go

Ok was jumped on at 6.30am and it didnt stop til they went to bed. My patience lasted, the babysitting went ok. They had a mad 5minuutes of Drama Queen standards, rolling on the floor squealing, but that soon went & the lovely children reappeared.They really did. It was an ok day. . I did pay attention, all day, & was responsible, for that i am grateful.

Its hard getting in that stuckness, wher i know am uncomfortable, but its too much like hard work to do anything about it. I did text some people, read some big book, prayed & did just for today. Guess it was ok really. I bin tired all day, which didnt help. Felt like i was winging it alot, which is not what am used to, and i dont think thats controlfreakness, think its something to do with routine.

Not practiced in being in a family environment ALL day. Its the adults that did my head in more than the kids, taking part with adults on an equal basis. I checked out the meeting tomorrow. I could go if necc.

Played a game of monopoly fr the first time in at least a decade, god it brought my defects out!!! Someone had the millionaires Row of all the dark blues & all the greens with hotels and about cleaned me out on rent, i got so much fear about going round the board again. I sulked, had my head on the table, ate chocolate & didnt restrain my tongue. I was envoius, my greed about bankrupted me. I am so self centred, and my pride told me i was crap. which in this game i was cos i lost all my money and had to sell or remortgage all my property.

The others... well one became a property tycoon with the opposite effect, rubing of hands, arrogant attitude sprung in, greedy etc. And the other two just went quiet & laughed.

Rule #62 Dont take yourself so damn seriously.
Too late...I did

You b+)*&%s, my pride
Didnt go my way, self centredness
Oh god i dont want to land on any property, self centred fear
Bugger, am losing, am so crap, self pity
I want more property, Greed
i hate you, your so lucky, Jealousy
I want hotels like you have, Envy
I want to get out on jail now, impatience
How can you think of putting another house on there!? arrogance
Stop enjoying this, its not pleasnt, intolerance

Well i got the room to myself now, they gone to bed, put away the booze & left me too it. So gonna go and read some more big book, do a bit on step8 as i got some to do, pray & sleep.

Today, have i enjoyed it ? not especially, it had its moments, some lovely moments. it was hard work, especially calling a call centre on someone elses behalf, and listening to automated options and hold messaging for 30minutes. And my envy when they have offer accepted on a house which is like one i always wanted & have looked at many similar with my ex. Suppose am human to feel a little resentful.... but its what i do with the resentment thats important now. But i didnt hate today, I dont regret it, i just didnt know what to do, am learning taking part outside the fellowship, am not practiced.

Especially the staying in and watching TV. I realised how little i do it & how much i am not at home nowadays. And i wouldnt want it any other way. The tv does my head in, they have 100 odd channels as opposed to my 5 at home & still they complain of nothing being on on the tv. 4me, my monies better spent the way I do, in meetings, going for coffee, rather than paying & watching SKY and all its add ons.

There it is, am not chilled, but am not angry, just aiming for some acceptance on the day, looking at my part & having an attempt to leave Friday in Friday, which is gonna happen I feel, the power of getting it out my head & seeing it in print for me is enough. Will pray on it all aswell.

Am seeing the world for what it is, the woman i used to look upto, as a spiritual giant, i now see as human, with the same defects as i, which rear up. Difference is, she got further too fall, she always bin in the position of Knowing better than i. Just at the moment i seeing her as just another human, doing her best, goodly & badly at times, But still doing it anyway. Accepting her imperfect self.

Is it me thats changing or them? am not sure.
They cant all be changing can they ?

Have i any lengthed my programme today ? no
Have i done my best ? yes
Will i do it different tomorrow ? i will try to

Progress not perfection
Keep coming back
Do not be discouraged

Today is a gift

I am off for a long weekend with family, which includes a couple of under fives. Thats the interesting part. This weekend will call for, any lengths.

willlingness, openminded, labor, patience and tolerence, love and service

The train trip up was interesting, the only one in the front carriage freaked me out at first, what if it crashes, i'll dies alone (freaky thought huh) i never even thought about the driver. But then a couple of people got in, with cans of lager & it got interesting. How come guys love to take their shirts off when theyve had a few? I dont understand this phenomena, what happens to them ? Anyway, it was all gonna get distracting, so I put on the MP3, got my big book out & read the upto the middle of the Drs opinion, FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK. It took me ages, as i kept on drifting out of the carriage, but it helped me to re-read it.

My meeting tonight, was ok, gratitude in it alot. Although someone had relapsed after 18months. It seems to me that the three sides to our triangle, Recovery, Service, Unity must to go hand in hand or it dont work.

It really is a selfish programme that we have to give it away to keep it & we have to have something to give & somewhere to give it away to.

In the course of his third treatment he acquired certain ideas concerning a possible means of recovery. As part of his rehabilitation he commenced to present his conception sto other alcoholics, impressing upon them that they mustdo likewise with still others. This has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship of these men and their families.This man and over one hundred others appear to have recovered. Page xxiii Alcoholics Anonymous

Me am away from my home town, away from usual meetings, away from my routine, but this time i have no fear. I am with people who love me, who know i am in recovery & dont mess with it. I am without fear. I will take it a day at a time, hour at a time. Do the next right thing & do it with my HP in the driving seat. The fellowship is up here & cell phones & sms & blogging to keep intouch. Its everywhere & its here with me, I am not alone anymore.

Tonight i was asked to babysit for both their kids tomorrow... today i am responsible, today I am trusted. Today I feel trustworthy. Its a gift.

Gonna sleep now.

Hair cut

I got into work this morning & was asked if i had a heavy night last night.
I am not a morning person (no debates on whether there are morning people please)
I wake up and look like i have been dragged through a hedge backwards, whether i am hungover or not.

Today probably looked a little different cos I had my hair cut last night. That great feat that i endure as in frequent as possible as it means HANDING my hair over to someone else. If its not perfect then a great sulk, pride self centred fear results.

When i said just abit off, thats what she did, but my head went YOU cut it too short.... This time she did. And i told her, and then SHE TOLD ME she hadnt and pulled it down to show me. She was right, it had just sprung up abit thats all. She didnt bar me, or get the speedy razor out and give me a No1 cut for punishment.

Control freak that I am, i spent time after time cutting my hair myself, it was a bonus if it looked ok. At times it was an alternative to when i wanted to cut myself, and had that aaargh feeling. Cutting my hair was an easier softer way, as i could still cut, and not go overboard, and not damage myself. It was a gentle alternative.

Nowadays, i try and do the hair thing at the hair shop. The self harm, ie the scratching or cutting, rarely enters my head nowadays. If it does its fleeting & a result of untreated resentment.

Dare I say it.... I like my hair..... even though it looks abit fluffy at the back, its got a natural curl that i secretly like...shhhh

Anyway today was an ok day, had the attention span of a flea at work though, but still managed to do an ok job today.

I paid attention to a flash meeting we had where they are looking for volunteers to take on extra responsibility later in the year, with no extra pay, good career progression... Sounds ok, but experience here shows me, that i got a good chance of earning a bonus, doing what am doing. extra responsibilities will take me away from what am doing and jepoardise the bonus. (I already been there this year, when i was "asked" to do work on the "top team" which back fired on me, because i couldnt handle the people, personalities etc)

Prestige, position, career progression here is not what am looking for at the moment. Right now am happy with the ordinary, am learning to be consistent in a job i can do, for 7 hours and an hour for lunch, as opposed to hours of projecting and an very little productive working upto about a year ago. Learning to do an honest days work for an honest days pay. Am getting there. Its someone elses turn to take up the gauntlet of extra duties, training people up. Me am into character building at the moment. An i already do an extra duty without pay, so i have no need to feel guilt or fear that am not good enough.

I am enough at the moment.

I do see theres more to come, improvement to be made. Just not all yet.

I sent my Dad a card today for his birthday tomorrow. We get on ok nowadays.

Went for a pizza afterwork with colleagues, saw their neurosis in action, its not just alkies that get self centred fear & pride. Then went to the theatre, and enjoyed it, was MOSTLY fully present, apart from at times, i still crushed. But its was easier. This time instead of obsessing about crush all the way home, i called up some newcomers and asked how they were. The self obsession, needyness and loneliness disapeared. Am ok now, i forgot I even went to theatre, THATS HOW SHORT MY MEMORY CAN BE, or is it that i live in the moment & let go easier nowadays, now that i can pinpoint easier what my defects n difficulties are & dare to focus on the solution quickly. I dunno, but whatever, the uncomfortableness has disappeared.

OMG i now got to pack for a long weekend away with a couple of under fives and some adults.

Tired I be

"Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him.
As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 46~

No limits, you have given me no limits

My own defects & difficulties are what limits me

In AA, with the aid of a Higher Power,
"we began to be possessed of a new sense of power & direction"

probably the shortest blog ever for me not sure what am trying to say, so will shut up

Am knackered & need to sleep, trudged out tonight

Todays gratitude is

that i am not on the emotional rollercoaster of what the fuck am i feeling & its scary, am i the only one that feels like this & whens it gonna end ?

blessed am i

Step8
more to do i find, have forgotten to do employers... buggr (thats a small buggr) not a large Frickin useless piece of shite, for not finishing your step8 blah blah.
Just a gentle... buggr, ok i'll do it

i wanted so badly to not feel like this

I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself, Saw my reflection in a window
I didn't knowmy own face, Oh brother are you gonna leave me, wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone,
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
Atnight I could hear the blood in my veins,Just as black&whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me, It's just you and I my friend
& my clothes dont fit me nomore,I walked a thousand miles,just to slip this skin

The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake, I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother withyour faithless kiss or will we leave eachother alone likethis
On the streets of Philadelphia
Streets of Philadelphia...Bruce Springsteen

I wanted so badly not to feel like that... but I did for years and years and years

TODAY
I feel full with life,
I recognise myself, am getting to know me
am growing to like me
I know more of the time how i feel
you describe me perfectly & thats ok
I no longer feel that i am wasting away,
am hopeful, useful & with purpose
TODAY
I did what i needed to do,
which is also what i wanted to do
went where i needed to go
which is also where i wanted to go
I am didnt feel alone or lonely
TODAY
Angels did greet me
and today i walk amongst them
today i am comfortable in my skin
TODAY
I am growing not fading
i have found a faith that works
you showed how
an am just doing it

Today I am on a spiritual high
Today you didnt need to tell me what i needed to do
Today i intuitively knew how to handle a situation which used to baffle me
I worked with another alcoholic
i did it anyway
I so wanted to maintain this inner peaceful feeling
i forgot that by giving it away we get to keep it
because i was doing it anyway

While this works, i got no reason to stop
while i got nothing else that will duplicate this feeling, i keep on doing it
you have no monopoly on ways to make you feel good
i havent got the money to try it all out yet
i'll keep on listening to you all
let you plant the seeds in me
they will grow in time, in Gods time

am learning for the first time in my how to live within my means
to be self supporting consistently
its hard, impatience, envy, greed are wanting at every corner
patience, willingness & labor (P163 Big Book)
you cant buy this feeling i got washing over me, over and over
its inner peace, its love, its truth, its a priceless gift
A gift of the magical mysterious 12 steps and this fellowship i am a part of

Do what the winners do, you get what they got

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous

i was reading steps8&9 again in Big book, got to the bottom of page 83 & my mind shut down to reading, i couldnt look no further, physically my head wouldnt let me read the promises, my mind wouldnt let me look... i was staring into space for minutes. i heard them in meetings, i read them before, i know some off by heart, but now am THAT close, my head wont let me read them in my own big book. S'weird the power of the mind.

My heads still saying, it'll work for everyone else except for johno. Today I didnt listen or fight with my head.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start fromthat point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!

i will read it at some point. Went to a step2 meeting. Talked for ages at coffee with a 4week sober miracle

some of the promises are coming true for me already. Just because i couldnt read them today, doesnt mean i will be the exception. i am a part of a process far more powerful than my head, I am changing, inspite of myself, my spirit today showed me the truth.

Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. P97 Alcoholics Anonymous

Another good day in paradise, finances, jobs around home, family, meetings and service

A simple plan set up for tomorrow already. Put your recovery first.

Am getting well from the inside out. An it feels good this spiritual surgery.

Peaceful & Happy

Both Gifts from AA on my 2nd Anniversary

I woke up this mornings still not sure which choices to make...
Surely now at 2yrs, i can go and do what normal people do to be happy ?

The voice of truth spoke to me... You arent normal
You suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder,
do what gives you maximum peace of mind & isnt destructive to you or those around you.

Its Saturday... in my experience what gives me the most peace of mind on a Saturday?
A marathon of meetings, talking to newcomers, fellowship, sharing & listening... thats what gave me the most peace of mind on a Saturday...

So i did it again today & more !!

read step 8&9 in big book
9.45 meeting listening
Spot checked some step 10's
ate
bathed
cleaned my teeth
stripped my bed
did some laundry
internet surfed
got on the phone, to another alcoholic, got honest abt my fear abt today
spot checked some step 10's - self pity, self centred fear, arrogance, pride, dishonesty, self centredness, impatience, intolerence
accepted the seriousness of my condition
gave my Sponsor some unsolicited advice (cos i know better...)
got my attempt rejected
Got reminded to Mind My own business AGAIN
spot checked some a step10's - pride, self centredness, arrogance, intolerance
read step8&9 in big book
12noon meeting, listening & shared my gratitude, got a cake & blew a candle out, i didnt know they did cakes there.. a gift
spot checked some step10's - impatience, self centredness, pride, intolerence
2.30 meeting listening
spot checked some step10's - impatience, self centredness, pride, intolerence
shopped for food
spot checked some step 10's - impatience, self centredness
went to the library
internet surfed
got on the phone
ate again
cleaned my bathroom
1/2 washed up
changed my bed
watched 15mins tv
read step8&9 in big book
Starbucks - got assertive (not angry doormat) when he gave me wrong drink
9pm meeting listened
10.30pm meeting listening & shared
spot checked some step10's - intolerence, self centredness, pride, arrogance
meeting after meeting in cafe
Got lift home (thank you god)
just got in 1.30am its tomorrow now...
1.40am Done more laundry
(cos I know i'll be up when its done ... how maneageable is that then!!)
Blogged
Now am gonna make up my bed
Pray with thanks that i got step 10's to show me that i really do not know better.
Am grateful for all of this & that its become effortless
its 2.40am and am still going on :-)

Today I went to meetings, spoke with newcomers, listened to other people when i didnt get into shared, accepted this is exactly how its meant to be, accepted what my sponsor said aswell. Whats become of me ? I did all that in one day

What was it like ?
2 years ago, i was barely getting out of bed on a saturday (barely anything else)
16 months ago, i was getting out of bed on a saturday (+ making A meeting & moaning & Drama Queening alot)

What happened ?
I started doing what my sponsor suggested instead of what i wanted & also started on the steps.

What its like today?
Today I did what I NEEDED to NOT what i wanted to and i got the results i wanted a happy + peaceful heart & mind.

Thank you God & Alcoholics Anonymous

its 4.09am am not tired & God, give me some tiredness quick, i just has a thought of getting the iron out.... help

This too shall pass

I am just where am supposed to be.

Did i expect all my difficulties & defects to disappear, just because I was about to be 2years sober ? well supposed the way I have been feeling the last few months. yes. DUH!!

Get real its quality not quantity, you can still be an ass at 2 or 20 years sober

My blogs, prove how much I need to learn more abt the AA programme.

There are no days off.

How i can always improve on how i do it, theres always an element of self will that needs to be eliminated.

I do suffer from grave emotional & mental disorders.

"Working" with another alcoholic ALWAYS lifts my self obsession.

I need to act abit faster, spare the rest of the world from johno's fear & self pity.

I am grateful for
Remembering my last drunk tonight
Not drinking today
Getting to work
Being honest today
Going to the best meeting i could find tonight
talking with all the newcomers there, even the ones that scared me
keeping it simple
not getting a resentment when I didnt get to share
being nuts with the well people today
letting the well people remind me that it HAS been a good day
turning up
doing my lousy best
finishing my list of all people I have harmed.....
being willing to make amends to them all
accepting that it says am i willing...
admitting to myself that am scared i will be the one that it dont work for
being willing to do it anyway
having a toilet that works
Chester having a great parent
Blue's BB quote for me
peoples comments on my blog over the past few weeks
being part of a fellowship thats given me more than i could ever have dreamed
other peoples patience
Yeh ok for having a sponsor that manages to kicks my ass by saying nothing
having a sponsor that tells me the ego puncturing truth about me
not sulking when i got told my behaviour isnt acceptable
doing what i have been told to do, even though its hard
having people around me that give me what I need, not what i want
me accepting that the above is whats best for me, if i want to grow up
wanting to grow up
seeing how dishonest i have been with my ex partner
seeing how i got no idea how to do people
wanting to get out of my head, end this isolation
not knowing am not out yet, but believing it just might happen...someday
accepting my sink of washing up is is no big deal
being willing to make accept my imperfect self abit
not caring how long this gratitude list is
being grateful for being grateful

You have given me so much, i need to keep coming back to be reminded where i have come from, because I forget quickly.

The only things I know for sure TODAY is that I am an alcoholic & there is a solution which works, when i work it. (and doesnt when I dont)

Great Spirit, its time, am ready to take your hand and walk with you once more, blind faith.

I just remebered the Fork :-)

Why am i doing this ?

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurts some more.
If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. Page 95 Alcoholics Anonymous

This describes my position at the moment. I am the "he" in the paragraphs. Its applies to me & my relationship with my sponsor.

If I was interested in the solution I am being given, i would be doing my step 8
expects you to act a nurse for his sprees (feeling less than, self pity, self centred fear, needyness)
you may have to drop him.... I am dropping myself, not sacking myself...just dropping until I have changed my mind. Finished my step8, done whats been suggested,
If I am sincerely interested, i must decide for myself if i wish to go on. If I am interested in finding God, the desire must come from within.

For me I need to check out my motives for doing these steps... If i am to find God, the desire must come from within. Not without.

GET HONEST -TELL THE TRUTH. Today I am doing them to please you, my sponsor, look super sober, these are all wrong motives, not following spiritual principles. My need for approval, to be liked, loved, is a killer in itself. Yet if you had asked me the same question a week ago, I would not have said all this, and i would have been telling you the truth. I do the steps to change me, my thinking, take me further away from a drink.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition P86 Alcoholics Anonymous

I keep repeating old behaviour over and over with my sponsor & its not helping either of us. I cant stop... Its definitely not helping me. I get no releif when i do it & my sponsors reaction also gives me no relief. It gives me a feeling of remorse & guilt, cos it brings only misery. Insanity.

The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casualway, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!"Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. P24 Alcoholics Anonymous.

There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P54 Alcoholics Anonymous

It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you havebeen in the habit of showing when getting another drink. P181 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am scared the promises wont come true, that i will still feel like this, get this whats the poiint. ungrateful alone, my head keeps winning and think fuck it.

Have I come across another line? A line that says "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path" Are you in or out? Are you an alky like us or not? Are you prepared to give it away everyday if necessary? Do you like what you have & are you prepared to follow these simple suggestions on a daily basis in order to maintain it? Are you willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get what we have? My heads projected to "the rest of my life" am not keeping it in the day. I am not following the programme. Am doing it my way. My way = tall order, perfectionism, saint johno, no chance, so fuckit whats the point.

We know what you are thinking. You are saying toyourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that."But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate,with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163 Alcoholics Anonymous

God, I offer myself to Thee --to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, andThy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

Step8 & suggestions, Do them Johno. Do them anyway, even if you dont really know why, just do them anyway, your job is not to Question, its just to do the next right thing. The next right and loving thing in Gods world, could well be whats instore. REMEMBER THE FORK.
An hour doing this Blog, maybe i need to spend the time on 8.........
Stop thinking.

Roll up for the Magical Misery Tour

I woke up today alone with my head, turned over and went back to sleep, through 2 alarms snoozing & alarming.

I find it alarming that i can "work somekind of programme" through 2 months of uncertainty, wake up with purpose & get on with it. The first day I wake up without it, its just my head back in the driving seat.

My bed used to be my escape, now it feels like the prison.

Its that feeling that... how longs it gonna take before my mind wanders around to a flimsy reed hanging in the caves of my mind and grabs it. Suddenly its like i get switched on & get up. Until that its all very mirky, frightening, everything to do but cant do.

Everything hangs on how quickly i remember i got a programme, that I am not alone, that i got a purpose. Have a purpose, npt alone, but with HP, praying, is doing the next right thing. My head told me to Fuck it today. I got to work 90minutes late & never got going all day. At 3.30 I decided i couldnt do today. Too many piles of stuff on my desk, too much. So just prayed (kind of) and did the next most important peice of work on my desk, then the next, then the next. Was ok really.

My boss knows i got a problem with mornings & he knows I will make the time up. I told sleeping through alarms is a problem i have sometimes & i not taking the piss. So he okish when it happens. Cos it dont happen often nowadays.

There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
Is a promise, it dont say many of them except for Johno.

Did service tonight, on the front line, how to reduce self obsession & self pity & pride?

Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

I found some gratitude for what i been given.

Am still in with a self pity hit, today I thought i cant go on with this for the rest of my life, even a beer seemed a thirst quenching thought at lunch time. Strange journey my head took me om today. Today My head took me on a Magical Misery Tour

Today was a good day, I didnt drink, i did my best, turned up for work, did my best, i did service. That was any lengths for me today. Let it go now its history.

Today I feel like I have beeen carried, by the Spirit of the Universe.

Let it go now Johno, its history. Let go, Let God.

Its NOT ok to lie

I lied yesterday. Taking a sick day without being sick, IS a form of dishonesty

Any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as my recovery is concerned.

So white lies are OUT, along with ALL other ‘harmless’ versions of dishonesty, if i am planning on recovering that is

Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 58 Alcoholics Anonymous
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Grave = dangerous, grave, grievous, serious, severe Big Book Dictionary

I got reminded today that I suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as recovery is concerned, and relief from grave mental and emotional disorders.

I knew yesterday was uncomfortable, it was the lying that i did, that i didnt admit too... why? because I didnt realise that i was lying. I justified my dishonesty, as a means to save my own skin, my actions were all well intentioned, good motives etc, so it didnt seem like dishonesty. Or it made what i did appear to be ok then. Infact i never even thought about the words dishonesty or lying atall yesterday.

I still dont see myself as dishonest, rather arrogant huh? I must be, i just cant see it.

I got alot to learn. Am so steeped in deluded thinking.

Do not be discouraged. Progress not Perfection. Keep coming back

Read the Big Book, REALLY read it.

Thank God I got a Sponsor who can see my defects when I miss them

A note to me - a measure on how well I cope outside my head & with other people. Theres a party going on on Trudges Blog, and I cant even take part. Still crippled by pride, Self centred Fear... they block the sunlight from my imagination. Keep Coming Back Johno, Do not be discouraged. First Things First.

God Doesnt give us.....

God Doesnt give us more than we can handle (a quote from Big Book)

God decided that cancer would be too much for me to handle today.

He gave me something else, incurable, by conventional medicene, uncomfortable but HARMLESS. Oh yeh, they offered me a pill, but said its not a guarantee to help...

Am grateful for the harmless, I have accepted incurable, I havent accepted that I cant reduce the uncomfortable or reduce the symptoms. Pills (so far) i dont take unless its a matter or life & death.

I can explore a change in diet next (yes I have a diet these days to change)
I can explore other alternative remedies
There are no proven cures, its trial and error
Its gonna be interesting...for me anyway

Here we go then, patience, willingness, openmindedness, will do for a start

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P.15 Alcoholics Anonymous

I felt this afternoon that I had been walking for 2 months non stop on a journey, a journey to where I didnt know. I just know that I have been going in the right direction most of the time.
I cant believe what I have just walked through, but I have, Hand In Hand with The Sprit of the Universe.

Am blessed with Unity, Recovery Service. The ability to give & be given. Thats all I know.

Sick Day - or not a Sick day ?

Have been scared more abt today than tomorrow, didn’t realize it till today. Half the floor at work gone out for all expenses paid free drinks, evening meal.

I already said at work I didn’t want to go, and got the "oh you cant...why". Even my boss looked at me strange when I said I didn’t want to go, I'd rather be at work. That’s when I felt trapped.

I just don’t wanna go & be in a room full of drunken people I work with for 9 hours & then eat with them aswell. So I took a sick day. I want ordinary at the moment, ordinary "normal" is not me surrounded by free unlimited alcohol, in an environment I don’t know, with people I "wouldn’t normally mix with" listening to conversations about work until 9 o clock this evening.

Sounds a bit of a rant, but 9 hours of wishing and hoping for a bit of vicarious pleasure or being at home going through how I would have felt for the harms I done, going to a meeting, helping another alcoholic, trying to enlarge my spiritual condition. I choose the latter

Why put myself through it, just to please others, there is no need today, I know I would be resentful. I got a resentment about the whole outing.

What I wanted to know was How to clear my fear & clear my conscience from taking a sick day when i wasnt sick, to be told yes you did the right thing... also that at nearly 2 years sober I should now be able to risk taking a vodka shower without being fear of swallowing any....yeh right, get real Johno, where does it say in the big book, they took a vodka shower after 2 years without fear ? well then. stop dreaming.

Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

Didn’t go meeting where my “friends” were, don’t needs my self pity stroking, its just manageable the size it is. Went to newcomers meeting, got grounded, I forgetting what its like being 5days sober.
I need to change my meetings “ to learn how to deal with disillusionment”
Fear & self pity lifted

“little white lie”, one of those small fibs believed to be harmless and sometimes described as necessary lubrication for the smooth operation of society, P68 Living sober

Sick day – A little white lie - Yeh, in desperation, I took measures to save my life Today
Total abstinence from all uncomfortable questions, lies, resentments, temptation. I went for what would give ME maximum peace of mind Today,

Tradition 5 & Preamble. THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH for this alcoholic

Also for the message I heard for me tonight. Uncertainty... he had had days of waiting for a the day which would change his whole life, and he hadnt drank leading up to it. How bizarre, thats how it is for me too. I have lived with uncertainty over this health isssue since June & have not had to drink or think about drinking over it. A bleeding miracle. Johno you are a walking miracle, this programme works if you work it.

Just for today (the previous 24hours) i was afraid, but it lifted at 5.40pm when i was talking to a newcomer.

Tomorrow i find out the truth

Step8 pray sleep