Gratitude

I had a lovely day
Woke up in it
And went to church
Acted as if and
Went round greeted everyone
By the end i was in a good mood
Kids and tots were in cheeky cute mode
Which always makes ne laugh
Theres time when they are
Damn rude
Today they were just cute
And their timing to make noises
Perfect !! :-)

After took time with
Cooked dinner for
Simple stuff
Which helps me aswell
You know that
Yet earthlings dont understand
I receive, thru helping her
Gave her a safe few hours
No one knocking on her door
No one after anything ofd her
Nothing to feed her paranoia
Shes an Addict,
not 12 step as such
I have no experiience
She is a friend at church
In need, and rejected by her family
Because of her addiction
Attitude and the company she kept keeps
To me she is a yet
And i see through it all
I see her eyes
I feel her pain
Yet recognise my powerlessness
I pray and stand next to her
Yet she has learnt me
How to not fix or try to
And when i do i am the one
Who ends up exhausted
Addiction wins
So i combat it with kindness
Unconditional love
And just by being her friend
Not promising anything
Not asking anything from her
Just being her friend
She commented on my normal living
On several occasions
And just said she will learn
How to rebuild all this in rehab
Which she is talking about
More and more
I dropped her off this evening
And went to ger flat
It was the opposite of my house
Stuff everywhere
Tidy but so much stuff
Impulse buying
I relate to it all
Yet recognise how
Nowadays i dont buy buy buy
I have done
Incase of running out
Buying because im worth it
Buying randomly food inpulses
Yet nothing substantial to create a meal
Eating all the offer stuff
And leaving it in fridge til its gone off

I am not perfect
But i am not living like that
And i can see how to slip back to it
Doing alone
No recovery fellowship or programme
She kept saying this is not
Normal living
I said it is normal living for an addict
This isnt how it has to b
And rehab will help you change
She said it again
I said it again
And again
Who knows when her time
Will come
I know this is what christmas is about
If the god and jesus story is correct
Christmas is not about the sales
And excess
Its about providing and sharing
Love and kindness
I feel grateful

Last week i posted
About why have i been given
What i have
With no one to
Share it with
Well today i shared it
And tonight i collected a
Newcomer again
And took him to a meeting
I feel really part of
My local fellowship
Made friends :-)
Already in 2 weeks!!

I have been given these
Material gifts
To share with those who
Havent for
Whatever reason
Thank you

Vigilance required
I received a harmless
Inch long Chocolate christmas pudding
And chocolate robin
I always check whats in
Especially if it says truffle
The pudding had rum in it
It dint fear me
I didnt know what to do with it
This inch long thing :)
I feel blessed it made me laugh
No fear, just baffled what to do with it
See i cant throw alcohol away
Doesnt happen much as i dont hve it around
Yet this thing i couldnt throw :-)
So on my way out
I put it on someones windscreen!!
And went to my meeting

This afternoon i had some chill out time
And this eve, watched some tv
And ate pizza

Spoke to my brother
And tmoro off to dads
Joy of having a car
And neighbours who share
Pet feeding with :-)
I feed their lizard locusts!!
Its not too bad holding locusts :-)

Hope u had safe and peaceful day :-)

So it came :-) much needed feeling of peace

I felt Peace
Went to bed this afternoon
Got up and went and sang carols
With band at peoples houses
Who cant get out
I felt some joy
Act as if ... In service
And it lifted me
It lifted those we sang to
And it lifted neughbours
Of those we sang to
Curtains twitched
Some windows opened
Shadows moved in the darkness
Behind the windows
People moved by singing of carols
Yet alone in their homes
Singing has a lovely effect on people
As does a salvation army band
We sang and played at the pub
Next to our hall and they came out
And sang with us
A few drunk and tired looking already
And it was only 6 oclock

Met a guy near me and i took him
To meeting in town
I love that i can use my car to give lifts
Service
I prayed that i would not just have it
For my benefit
And my prayers are coming true
It was freezing
We had a good chat on way
And on way back
Meeting was raw
Extremes
Emitional mentaal disorders
And peace and serenity
Wishes for a safe day
I feel a love i havent
Felt before
Local community
Fellowship
I will bump into 'these people'
2 weeks of loads of meetings
Has brought me back to life
Given me perspective
Self pity self seeking slipped away
Opportunity for service
Map some progress
Retrieve some sanity
And made friends

Also christmas isnt shit
The lead up has been
Me buying into other peoples
Looks of pity when i said i was alone
Christmas day
Eventually i bought it aswell !!
Forgot who i am
I invited the using addict for lunch again
Tmoro after church
I say that cos she has it much
Worse than i, she has conplete
Rejection from her family
And is so in addictiction
All we can do is pray
And love her unconditionally
After i will go to meeting in evening
And take the guy who lives near
Well thats the simple plan
I hope she comes for lunch
Although i know its hit and miss
So am happy to eat alone
And have stuff to do either way

Humility
Thinking i dont need meetings
Knowing i do and doing them
Sharing the truth and gratitude
Letting people in
Going to more meetings
Going to another meeting
Allowing the feloowship to strengthen me
Letting go
I feel so much better
Now i kept it simple
Revolve it around meetings
First things first

Really appreciated your comments
Thank you
As always
The truth sets me free
Keep on keeping on

Have a safe and peaceful one :-)
In fellowship

Note to self
no need to go away next year
Just disappear into meetings
In the lead up to christmas
Is an option
:-)

Job or no job

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

As i read yesterdays post
I think of this
Pointing fingers at everything
Which isnt right...
Well it must be me then!!

Yeh stuff is uncomfortable
And its my job to change
The things i can

Just for today I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that
I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Trust God
Trust the process

Meetings

Meetings
Stabilisers
Sit listen
Listen to learn
Its no diffrent
Better to be sitting in a meeting
Listening to others
Experience strength and hope
Than at home
Restless irritable and discontented
Trying to believe that
It will be different tomoro
Seems this us how it is
At the moment
Faking it doesnt feel right
Deciding to go away next year
365 days before next year
Is not the answer ;-)

It is how it is
Christmas comes once a year
And lasts a while
Each year there is stuff to do
Each year has a different feel
As i am in a different place
Inside each year

This year again its about service
And taking care of myself
The needs of others
And my own

What is all this teaching me?
I am not comfortable with any area
Of my life at the moment
I'm not happy
Work - been at risk redundancy many times
Got thru due to being a good worker nowadays
Yet job changed that much that
I dont like it or its principles
Learning stuff which
I am no longer intetested in
It doesnt feel right anymore
Yet jumping out into nothin
When i dont have to...
Feels scary
Yet sayin i dont have to
Feels dishonest because
I feel like to be happy or
Less uncomfortable
I do need to jump out
Even if i have nothin lined up
Feels abit like what a hippie would do
:-)
And i feel abit like thats what
I want to do
Be abit reckless
I dont mean drink and smoke dope
I mean just leave the 9-5
Play music and see what comes up
I never had no job
Sober
Feels ungrateful
Considering leaving
Yet feels like my integrety is
Being challenged while i stay
And my creative spirit
Is crippled
Thats how it feels

Comparing myself with others
In relationships
Miffed cos again i fall for someone
In relationship so i reign it all in
And dont go there
Yeh doing stuff i enjoy
An falling for likeminded
Similar interests someone
Is also progress and natural
And gives me hope of somekind
That i am on the right path
Albeit moving slowly
Well crawling... Even so
Moving forwards
Rather than random unknowns
Forced dating
Starting with chemistry or lust if u like
And trying to make it work
Seems wrong way around for me

I want some spontaneous
Freedom in romance
Or something like
When ya never had it
And possibly moving into
An arena where self restraint
And Gods will are high up
Then it does things to me
Stopped before i got started
Seems unfair


i need to strip back down
To basics
HALT
Go to meetings
Help newcomers
To thine own self be true
Pray for Gods will for me
And the power to carry it out

Unless there's another angle
To look at this from
That i cannot see for myself?
Something i'm missing?

Ok am saying

Christmas means very little to me
I had special times
Digging up christmas trees
Dragging home
Lots of lights
Cards
Presents under
Neighbours round
that was then

will it ever have that sparkle back?
was it ever there?
or was i seeing it through
the bottom of a wine glass?
i dunno
it all seems like years ago

cant seem to even fake it
:)

next year am away somewhere
doing something
there must be something else
that doesnt cost a fortune
and doesnt involve
sitting in silence
reflecting
reflecting?
reflecting the glare
of all the Christmas wrapping
lights and cheer

i'll get over it
just saying
am bored with all this shit
there i've said it
:)

i dont want to take part

In Christmas
Yeh go church
It seems the more friends
I have
The harder it seems to be
To say yes i am on my own
Christmas Day
Why
Becase i am
Its either do stuff charitable
Help homeless
Which seems acceptable response
Although they dont see it as a selfish
Aswell as unselfish act that i do
Selfish in that it relieves my loneliness
And unselfish in it helps others
Or Be invited places because i am alone
Go away
Or spend it at home
Could be with family
Yet they just pour wine
And drink their way thru
begrudgingly spending
Time with others
And inviting ne along aswell
Which would mean
Being involved in all the present
Buying how much what to get
Thing aswell
Am i a ba humbug?
I dunno!
I dont begrudge anyone
Having a happy time
Eating drinking and
Spemding money
Please dont drag me into it
But to hear and see the lead up
Wheres all the love gone?
And after
Why are people so glad it will
Be over?
I am too actually
Although the weather isnt helping
And recent sickness
I am quite excited about 2011

Yet lately am finding it hard to
Enjoy what i have been given
And what i have worked hard for
It almost feels excessive
I have more than i need
I still have a job
Inspite of yet more redunancies
I feel i could share what i hve
And yet theres no one
Is that a poor me
High class problem?
I see it as a comfortable
Single female
Relatively well in her recovery
Nice house
knows herself on the whole
Good outlook
Yet i have this house
Car job social life
Sense of humour
And no one to share
Give any of it to
That dont mean partner,
luvver whatever
Necessarily
Its like i was thinking alot
About my mum last night
An i
Dont know obviously
Where she would be living
If she were alive
Yet i would e great for
The opportunity of
Sharing some of this
Joy with her, these gifts
Kids, family
See i get that
We get a life
I have been given
Far more than i ever
Imagined
Yet the loneliness
Is so intense
The
Need tp give it all the time
To receive what i am so lacking in
Wrong and unhealthy
So i dont act it out to the intensity
I feel it
Or the service becomes a chore
Wrong motives and breeds resentment
I Wonder why i have
Been given all this
For myself?
Yet i know
For years i didnt live
In safety and security
Surrounded by
Loving no
Strings relationships
Being allowed to spend
Christmas without
Abuse and upset and fear
No presents i dont want
No forced family get togethers
So this is what i needed
And i have it
Thank you
Yet right now
It seems a waste
That i have it just for me
And cat

I am in a plateau...
I am loving going to local meetings
Meeting new people
Being accepted
Feeling part of local meetings
I am afraid i am missing
Something obvious that i am
Meant to be doing

Where are we going next?

Working with others... Quietens obsessions...

Take out the word sex
Replace with whatever
Yer obsession is at the moment...
Whatever requires self restraint against
And Power from something greater
Than my yourself

To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal,
for guidance in each questionable situation,
for sanity, and for the strength
to do the right thing.
If sex is very troublesome,
we throw ourselves the harder
into helping others.
We think of their needs
and work for them.
This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge,
when to yield would mean heartache.

P70

So working with others
Along with praying
For it to be lifted
simply be the
Answer to my current
Obsession
Fancied or real
Which alone i am unable
To resolve
Practice these principles
In all my affairs... Life areas
step 12

Day at a time
Analysis paralysis

I have no idea

What direction i am going in
Its a bizarre place
Am i in the eye of the storm?
Am i deluding nyself?
Am i lost
Am i ok

Feels like a everythings
Shifting round
Like shuffling
Not spinning out of control
Just shifting round

I cant think of the words
Just a moving round
Bits being added
And bits dropping off
Not all easy
Yet it dont feel like
I am a victim

Just moving round
And still being prepared
For what?
I have no idea

But its all happening
Very slowly
Too slowly for my liking
Yet its happening
Spiritual Growth?!
Further growing up aches

Feeling like i spent
The last 5 years in God school
Learning how to have
Much needed
relationship with
A power greater than myself
And now its time to
Leave school and
Do some work

Anylengths
Let go absolutely
Trust the process
Gods time, not mine

Not cooked yet!! :-)

Apparantly everythings
As it should be :-)

Quality not quantity - Calling on humilty required

Why am i amazed?
Because i am so self centred :-)

Went to 3 meetings this weekend
I can kid myself and say
Because i wanted to
Or accept its because i needed to
And these days i try and 
Honour my needs rather than 
My wants

Answers to prayers 
Tell me
Go pitch a tent in my own 
Neighbourhood

Feel like change is afoot
Am ready
If its Gods will
It will be ok
So no point in fighting
Doesnt mean it will be easy

Spiritual is being the woman
I am meant to be
Letting God
Prune, mould, shape, grow me
Accepting i am mishapen
And need shaping up :-)

It did me so much good
To be around local people
Raw and recovering
People like me that didnt want
To sit in the meeting
But DID because we KNEW
We needed it
Its feeling like its time to
Work with new newcomers again
Those 3 meeting acted like
Stabilisers for me this weekend
A chance to rebalance
Its not about drinking... (for now)
Its about emotional sobriety
Not carrying resentments round
Clocking people round the heads
With them whilst i am working thru them
Write it pray it talk it then repeat :-)


I am full in all areas
Yet i know if its Gods will
He will make time appear
Easily if i let him
Difficult if i hang onto stuff !!

As Stuart used to say
No Steps
No change
No sober

Changing times
And being amazed
Is also a joy of humility
Being teacheable
Letting others show me
There is another way
A entirely different angle
To look at everything
Alone i may not be tall
Enough to see 
With others in recovery
 i get lifted up
Always!!

Grateful for
Prayer, meditation
Keeping my mouth shut
Not retaliating
Being willing to fit in
Not change it to fit me

Let go absolutely
No hanging onto the
Corner of the towel
Because i think i need it!!!
Self centredness 

Back to basics in challenging times
The old timers gave us the 3 legacies
God bless them
Recovery - use the tools - steps - use the principles
Unity- with others - fellowship
Service - pass it on - help others

Resentment is the number 1 offender. It destroys more alkys
Than anything else

Do not underestimate this
Do not mess around
Life is precious
Recovery is a gift
5% alkys make it
Feel blessed
X

Heard in meetings

Meeting makers
Make it

If you dont go to meetings
You wont know what happens
To people who dont go to meetings

There are AA meetings
Open on Christmas day

In community, in fellowship

It's interesting watching
Stuff unfold at church
We have 20 year olds
On employment schemes
For 6 months
Non christiam
Infact one is jewish
The other no mention
they are so enthusiastic
And lovin it
We have given them opportuniyy
To develop our coffee shop
Vision
And make it happen
And it is before my very eyes
god is amazin
I hope if they develop it
Hiw they like it
In keeping with our tradition
They will attract their mates!!
It will be a place to hang :-)
Which is not the pub
Or sat at home on facebook :-)
Our church is amazin!!!
Loads going on
We are a loved up chch :-)

1st sermon draft in :-)
Waiting on feedback !!
I moved down here
No meetings accessible
Really understood grace
Was led to this church
Feel called to keep on
Feel like i found my people :-)

l you may say: "But I will not have the
benefit of contact with you who
wrote this book." We cannot be sure.
God will determine that,
so you must remember that your real
reliance is always upon Him.
He will show you how to create the
fellowship you crave p164

Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
Listening
and Prayer time
speaking
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about
honesty
willingness
openminded
humility

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains
:)

frrrrreeeeezin here

In the Spirit of Service

I was reminded today

When I do chairs - I carry a message
When I write songs - I carry a message
When I do a sermon - I carry a message
When I walk out the door - I carry a message
When I speak to someone - I carry a message

The outcome is none of my business

If I am doing it in the spririt of service
to HP God as I understand Him

The outcome is none of my business

I hear what I need to hear
You hear what you need to hear

Like reading the big book
Like reading the Bible
Like reading someones Blog
Like watching reruns of Friends

Each time you re read - rewatch
I hear something different maybe
On any given day
It speaks differently to me

When you offer me a suggestion
depending on my mood when I hear it
affects the way I receive it

Give it me again tomorrow
I may receive it differently

You give the saem suggestion
to someone else
they may receive it completely differently
they may apply it immediately
they may pass it on to someone else
they may remember it for another time

Carry the message
not the alcoholic

Give it away to keep it
whatever it is you have been freely given
in the spirit of service

then
Let Go and Let God

:)

No meeting? Read a story in big book - connect with

Last night i made decision
To go home
Not home group
Had done responsible
Made others aware of
Posibility
Made sure, as i could be
My roles would be filled
This left me free to choose

Anylengths ?
Common sense prevails
Not bunking off
Not sloth
Not dishonesr
Not avoiding
They shut my station due to weather
London tube unreliable
Therefore i made way home
While i could
What this tell me?
I can delegate!? Let go of baton
I dont have to run show
I dont have anythng to prove
Our group is committed
We are there for each other
And the newcomer
None of us is in charge
Meeting went on inspite of
weather n me :-)

I was gutted to not go
There's times when i miss
My friday eve crew
And times when i dont!!
Yo grow to love your homegroup
Buddies, they are friends
I asked them to think of me
In few moments of silence

Also gutted cos i need a hair cut!!
I have photo taken sunday
And wanted it how i want it!!
No vanity in my defects!! :-)

Went home n read story from big book
My experience is reading a story outloud
Connects me with You
Everytime, sometimes i need to read
More than one
But it works
Everytime

Anyway anylengths
Going home not going to meeting
Going without haircut not giving into vanity
Making time at home to read big book story
Meditate on its relevance to me
Feel gratitude for AA

96 hours after - Dont quit before the miracle

Feeling very raw
Opened up
Naked
Vulnerable
Yet
Knowing
The truth will set me free
And waiting for freedom

To ask for the truth
No games
No misunderstanding
No small part wondering
Relationships on face value
Keep my side of the street clean

To get there
I had to be heartbroken
Break through the protection
My heart had built
Ask the questions
Explore fully completely
Let go absolutely
Allow the answers through
To my core
reach my soul
Give it the space to live
Give it the answers it needs
Let it crumple & strengthen in its pain
Let it process
Let it find accptance
set it free

Falling in love all over the place?
Is that what i do?
No, just in some places
Good kind loving giving hearted
Likeminded souls
There's a part of me searching
Soul searching for its mate
Thesedays its looking in
The best places
Safe, loving, nurturing
Making friends along the way

:-)

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

And the next... 48 hours - Flowers never Bend in the Rainfall

Feels like a purge going on...
no idea what
getting in touch with
deep something but not really knowing
what
still vague

the beginnings of a song came
at weekend
I wonder if its related
didnt push what I thought
I SHOULD be doing
and just did
I am exhausted

When they say mentally drained
is that because all thought
all the spin has disappeared
no sign of thinking going on
this is much deeper
between heart and soul
not head and heart
blurred tho
no clarity
still deep

recorded song
even this feels fake
even this feels like
what I feel when I sing
the moment has passed
and so does it still
mean anything?
are my songs a lie even?

I remember feeling like this before
first time in recovery was
during step 5
sitting with sponsor
airing my resentments and defects
and being opened up further
to explore angles and alternative
ways of thinking I could never
have come up with myself
hence the need to do steps WITH a sponsor
the challenges it brings
to look at my thinking and behaviour
from an entirely different angle
and then to actually take this on board
accept its worth a shot and may actually
be a better way
then putting in the action and letting go
of the outcome
yeh the results were phenominal
and continue to be

Sleep, dreams, nightmares
same old same old
Trust the process

continue to continue
keep on keeping on
its all as it should be!

The day after - racing round the edge of the hole in the sand

I felt a huge wave of loss
stuff like
babies
pregnancy
mum (mine)
intimacy
what is it
what isnt it
why
why not
relationship
fiction and real
and blurred edges
why
why not
Hows it all feel?

Cried myself to sleep
hasnt happened for a while
need to happen
it happened

Conversation with God
is like loooking into the eyes
of an owl 12 inches away
I cant lie to it
it looks right into my soul
and knows whats going on
it dont say a word
it doesnt need to
even when I dont or wont look
It has a way of loosening the denial
even when I dont know there is any
then its my job to do some work



She held her own an awesome prescence!!

Contemplation .... Meditation ..... Improve conscious contact Step 11

As i sit for almost an hour
In contemplation meditation
Thoughts come and go
Maybe i should changes to
Do i need to do this God?
A real dialogue takes place
And although this evening
I dont get much back
I feel a real sense
Of knowing that
Being willing to make time
Real quiet time
Me a candle and the Spirit of the Universe
No external distractions
I get a answer to my Forheadache
Dehydrated?
I drink water
The headache goes
I hear so much going round
In my head yet
Nothing much to go on paper
Which leads me to ask
Is this exactly how its meant to be?
Is that why i am not
Feeling, selfish, dishonest, fearful?
My weakness's are apparant
As are my strengths
My friends know my weaknesses
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
My friends know my strengths
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
Its lovely really that 
I can be extremely
Vulnerable and strong
And each person is the same
Equal, not above or below
Equal, not powerful or weaker
Learning to remain equal
Yet also have my weaknessss
And strengths on show
At the same time
Yet different strenths and weakness
in diffent areas Of my life!!
Good grief!!! Raw.. Roar!!

Although i pray and listen
Through the day
I havent sat quietly purposefully
and had A conversation with God
Hand in hand with the Spirit of the universe
For so long
Just me and Him
There's no wrestling tonight God
Although it would be nice if 
You said something...!!

"i did Johno, i have been responding
Yet its been so long since you
Sat like this and chatted with me
that you have
Begun to think 
these are all your
Own Thoughts
thoughts from
The centre of yourself
Self centred ;-D"

God you are such a comedian
Sometimes, i forget
I nearly wrote them words again..

"well write them Johno... Because
Its true... "

Yeh God, i need to do this more!!
How often must you hear those words
In all contexts, not just prayer
People, experience growth, love
Something that needs doing more
And we know it...? You know it!!

"yes Johno, but this conversation
Is not about other people
This is about you and me isnt it?"

Yeh it is, so i come out of this
Without clear direction of
What needs changing
Or what am doing wrong..

"well do you think today
There is something more important
I have in mind for you? Else
Why did you start writing?"

Mmm capture some gratitude
I can worry about the fact
I have nothing to worry about
And i can analyse until
Blood comes out of a stone..

"johno, now that i would like to see ;-)"

:-D

I am grateful for...
Warmth
Nice carpet to sit on
Cumfy cushions
Candlelight
Silence
Quiet neighboirs
My cat
My Devon friends
My church family
My AA friends
My own family
Health, physical health
Making a call to my gran
Keeping it simple while she is grieving
Asking for prayers for my uncle
Asking for prayers for my dad
Asking for prayers for my 2nd cousin
For the job which pays my bills
For the job which provides more than bills
For enjoying work today!
For my car
For not having to stand in the cold
For a warm train
For ipod
For podcasts to listen to when i have tired eyes
For my sight
For my hearing
Being able to love
Being able to feel love
For opportunity
For doors that close

For the gift of singing
For the gift of songwriting
For the gift of music
For words that come together
For meaningful sentences
For not understanding why people die
Of cancer Yet not blaming You
For a reminder that i do not know
When my expiry date is
For a comfy bed
For a softening heart
For a soul that i can hear these days
For a soul i am beginning to take care of
For a soul that takes care of me

For being sober and ! Sane :-D
For a sense of humour
For experiencing Grace
For acknowledging Grace
For feeling humble and grateful
For not knowing what i did to deserve all this and feeling blessed
For everyone who had a hand in me being here today
For insights my own and others
For experiences good and challenging
For not regretting the past no more
For understanding my loneliness
For loving my weaknesses 
For Mumford & Sons my latest inspirational music!!
For being taught by the most ramdom people
For receiving and passing on...
For being selfless and selfish
For being faithful and fearful
For being loving and kind aswell as ego filled
For feeling glad to have written this down
For a Spirit that lives in me and connects me with others so easily thesedays
Thank you :-)

"nice"

Yeh you are

":-)"

X

"XX"

xxx

":-D xxxx come back soon and sit awhile
Johno, we should do this more"

:-)

Ps you know this hole dug in sand
That i am running round the edge of
Which feels like the edge could give way of
Any minute?

"yes"

How do i not fall in?

"stop running so close to the edge? And why you are running round and round it so close to the edge, like some nutter?"

Because i like it...

"hmm sober and ! sane u said Johno... thank God i am here! Oh... I am God! Ah well, keep coming back Johno... Love ya"

Love u too God :-) am glad i can come back to you and u keep it simple for me, no religeon, no nothing, just u n me

"i know what u need when u need it Johno" enough now... Now  go and pray for those who need prayers this evening, because you can

ok, and i notice how thick the snow is falling now and 2 hours went by !!!

Road gets narrower

Self restraint
Angry
Why me?

My choice
Path i choose
Whatever path

Self restraint
Or not

Either has
Challenges
Joys
Neither perfect

Grass will always appear greener
At somepoint on the path
Whichever path i take
No way is perfect
No way is easy

Which way will bring
The greater good
Do the most service

Am i being a victim
Am i a volunteer
Am i a martyr
Am i being natural

All questions
Which are comming up
As i take the spiritual path
Which appears to be Gods will
And experience a strong sense
Of justified selfcentred wanting
Opportunity given....

They say the closer you get to God
The louder the devil shouts...

Well he is cunning baffling and powerful
He knows my weaknesses

Grrr !!

Do i bypass and return directly God who has all power?

i dont want to not feel like this
I want to feel what i feel
I dont want to lie
I want to be free
I dont want a rule or vow
Suppress my feeling
If i choose to adopt a vow
I must adapt my actions
Yet i do not want to not feel

I want to be able to love
Whomever
Whenever if ever
Yet i do not want to lie
To my church my god
My fellows
I want to live in the truth

I want to accept the consequences
I want to be responsible
I want honesty
No fear or guilt
If it closes doors
Then i have faith
Others will open

My relationship with Jesus
Needs to be honest
He may not agree
I may not be accepted in heaven
Yet it doesnt stop me
Loving and working for him
It doesnt stop me from
Or does it?
Is it right to worship
A side of god who is not
Fully accepting of who i am?

Yet id give up the material
Do it for you
Yet for so long i have no physical
And i am at a point where
I would accept either
Yet would you accept me
In every way?

Head v Heart ..... Truth v lies .....The internal battle

I captured my feelings
last night after singing class
I feel no joy during it
just a chore
emotionless, 
almost concrete inside...  
yet the resuts are evident... 
Singing lessons are working... 
Trust the process, 
keep turning up, 
give everything u got
dont compare and 
just keep on. 
I will not quit singing 
wind beneath my wings
even by the end of singing classes 
i havent broken through
High notes
i'll keep going til i have!!

These feelings are not 
new to me, the come up 
over and over
yet difference today is 
I carry on regardless 
of how loud they shout or 
how hard they crush me inside
 I refuse to stick label after label 
on human mental conditions
This too shall pass!! 

Also making friends
Being vulnerable
Writing songs that are personal
Putting them out there
Feeling raw
Feeling a sense of responsibility
Sharing this stuff
With none aa's
Other poets, songwriters
Musicians
Friends
Finding others in recovery
Or on the spiritual path
Doing it, yet not in AA
Others walking the walk
Without a programe
Yet with a faith
And with issues
Vulnerability and strength
Brilliant...
Finding friends who appreciate it
And dont run
Yet use it to move forward
Themselves
And me...
Together
Awesome stuff
Humbling

So heres how i felt after
Singing class... My head drama

Feeling low
Feeling exhausted by the battle
The fight within
That goes on between my 
head and heart
Fighting i feel blocked
Blocked just above my heart
Which stops me going
Higher past a certain level
My voice is not free
The air channel is not free
Resistance
Like cant get past
Breathe breathe
For so long listening to lies
If it dont shift now
I am afraid it'll always be there
Dont wanna waste no more time
So much more to do

She gives me suggestions
I cannot give eye contact
Emotionless
Such a Chore
Feeling nothing except some 
Strange anger
Rebellion
Like some child
I am listening
Yet cant / wont do as am told
Disappointed by this inner rebellion
Yet when i do
I sing loud and clear..
We heard it
I am paying for these classes
I am loving singing
Yet during class
Its like i feel childlike

Yet i want to run
I want to cry
Want to Leave the room
I want to stop
Yet to do so would
Be giving into the darkness
And the lies and misery it brings
Leaving me stuck in stuckness
Wondering whens it gonna end

Tonight i discussed with teacher
Past i have been always 
in the background
This is all new 
this foreground stuff
And i am terrified
Time is running out
Right now i feel very lonely
I feel at a point of where
The corners meet 
And i have to make a choice
A leap of faith
Bash through this
With yoga breath
Deep breathing from the core
I always wanted to breathe
Mine has for too many years been
Very shallow
Fear and anxious breathing
Silent
Yet i see feel and hear
The benefits of deep breathing
From my core
It drives it all
Cuts through the fear and anxiety

To run would be an insult 
to all this grace... 
Amazing grace i have been given...

Whatever happens
dont panic
Dont do it alone
Go to anylengtha
keep breathing 
keep turning up
dont quit before the miracle
Feeling grateful
Inspite of sadness
And joy

Make space for Grace

I find Written Step10's 
show my willingness 
to be still and accept who is God
and spend quality time unloading 
so the sunlight can flood in

Spending time Writing 
takes effort and humility
Spot checks are essential 
and do very real good
However i can twist and
Choose to be selective

writing is what brings about real relation with HP/universe/heart/god
which in turn brings about
very real change
I find

my will in line with Gods
in Gods time
He is very patient
Thankfully 

Step 10's
Help me see the truth
Save me my job
Give me better perspective
See my defects
Help me grow
Help me change

Help me move on
Help me let go
Help me see what i am doing
Help me see what i am not doing

Look at things from an other angle
See that i can always do better

See deeper insights
Leave space for grace

Thank God for Step 10

Amazed before we are half way through...

I cant believe whats going on
with and for me at the moment

Things had started a stirring in me
before I went to Greece
and I did a workshop
on singing
a cappella

and now
I cant stop singing
and am having lessons
trying out choirs
created a youtube
having fun...

And also
some very old scars
are beginning to heal
its almost like
finding my singing voice
and singing my heart out
is healing me of things
which have remained silent
and stifled for so long

I have had rather intensly honest
discussions with my sponsor
and with God
and its all healing

Step 5 is only the beginning
I even had an intensly honest
conversation with my manager
regarding a work point
which again I have been unable
to shift out of a habit
which others seem to find easy
God seems to do what I cannot do for myself

It seems he performs
spiritual surgery
exactly when he wants
and I am going through some
amazing changes
inside and outside of me

just applied for a new position at work
the only one who doesnt think I'll get it
is me? I dont know if I want it?
because I dont really know what it entails
yet everyone else seems to think I am doing most
of it allready... bizarre

Anyway
see what happens

That Greek island
does amazing things to me
thats twice now

open mind
open heart
willingness
to let Gods extraordinary Power
flood in

Amazing Love
Amazing Grace

:)

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Step 1... Deep shame.. There is a solution

S'funny how i remember
From early meetings
Just get it past your teeth
I find it so hard to
Get words past my teeth
And words off the ends of my fingers
Through a keyboard

I feel shame
I feel deep shame
And its sad because
I didn't really know this
Until just recently
Why not?
Because i haven't looked
Hard enough
Or spent time
Considering it because
O know its not my fault
So why feel shame?
See self knowledge does not
Stop the shame
It simply rationalises it

Deep shame
Sadness that it is inside of me
Compassion for me, all of me
Fear of rejection
Fear of finding out the truth
Fear of reality

I have had some clarity
Which separates out two areas
Which has made a difference
I think

One is not dependent on the other
Both need treating independantly
Both with respect
Yet neither must be allowed
To breed new fear
Or shame in the future
Yet i accept a certain amount
Of upheaval inside
Whilst spiritual surgery takes place
Before the truth is revealed
And the healing takes place

Today i couldnt get up
I couldnt enjoy a lay in
I coulnt enjoy
I couldnt enjoy

I did sit and wrote
About my shame
Its all self will
Yet i have to get this stuff out
It cannot be allowed to sit
And fester inside for any longer
I need to keep getting it out
And at some point start to pray!

The thing about being a christian 
Is that i now believe 
In satan aswell as God
And i just read today that
Child abuse is the work of satan
If you want to break the world
Abuse children & they're likely to grow
To be broken adults
Stats are never true for abuse
Yet its scary that satan has his
Hand on so many, so young
And we remain silent hurting
For so long, alone,
Cuts off the relationship
Cuts off fellowship
It makes sense
Child abuse is the work of satan
Healing is done by God

I did finish wallpapering
I have made a decision
To do no more til
After i have at least packed 
For my holiday :)
I just found out there are
Wild dolphins around already this year!! 
Flippin awesome
I am telling you its a magical place
I cant wait !!

Books

I was glad to fund the courage to go to a christian bookshop and ask for refences with scripture. They had a good selection in the healing section. Whilst "The Courage to Heal" gave me identification, it was too hardwork and very text book. I needed
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing

its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true

education - information = change = healing :)

Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool) 

Learning to trust again - christa sands

Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought

Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)

Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin

Craving for love - briar whitehead

My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17 

Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman

Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)

The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction & 
Difficult behaviour
Edited by  brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)

Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King

The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )

Step 1 ...Predictably

I am angry
because i am confused

i am relieved
i have some clarity

i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one

i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out

i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered

i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out

i feel angry
this still requires sorting

i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future

i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one

i am impatient
and want to explore

i am afraid
of self will

i want
yet i daren't
even speak it

i need yet
i daren't ask for it

to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable

yet its what i have
become used to

i dont want to
now
i want to
at least discuss

i want to be able to ask for
without fear

to thine own self be true

i want to stand up
and be who i am

at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely

i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human

yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
responsibility
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out

productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion

Step 1 .... More about

Step 1

Vagueness
Write
Random thoughts
Old ideas
Lies
My truth
Is a lie
I believe a lie
I have been living a lie
Without knowing
I have been in the grip
Of another persons truth
Or is it my own skewed perception
Over years of not knowing
What or why
And not understanding
Any of it
What or why

Sick as secrets
Sick as lies
Sick of feeling choked
Sick of holding my breath
Sick of splitting
Sick of attaching
Sick of fantasy because i dont know how not to
Sick of looking for control
Sick of manipulating passively
Sick of feeling less than
Sick if feeling abnormal
Sick of avoiding
Sick of laughing it off through gritted teeth
Sick of feeling sick

Cyclical thinking

Also i know this is one area to work on
At the moment
To put it in perspective
I lead a very full and healthy life
Much joy and freedom
And this area is not
Stopping me taking part
I serve and i receive joy
I do Gods will alot as possible
This is is an area which
god will help me with
This is something which
I need
His help with
I need God
And support in fellowship
And from myself
Willingness openminded honesty
Humility anylength
Its an opportunity for growth
To see God work a miracle
For me to be better for
Someone else 
And glorify God

Hand in hand with the
Spirit of the universe
Holy spirit
Come upon me :)

Step 1

I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when 
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will

Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith

I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening

This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5 
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong

That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes 
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment

I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable

What?
I need not stay like this

Do i want to stay like this?
No

Are you willing to go
 to any length?
Yes

How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray

ok 

Dear Johno

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes-absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70

Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)

pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you

paint
put yourself to good use

service
newcomers

hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
acceptance
it is how it is
my will for the time being

preparation

:(

johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours

sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else

i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really

faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...

And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3

Dear God

When do i get some sex ?
Its been forever....
Sigh

Rsvp

Step 10's

I need to do some
more often

i need a holiday
or i am becoming less selfcrestrained
or i an opening my mouth to quickly
or am am not wanting to let go
or am baffled
or i am carrying to much stuff
on my mind
unnecessary
and feeling
like its because i have a lot on
well maybe i do
2 weeks to holuday
and i want perfection
before i go
its not too much to ask
or expect is it?
Haha... A natural feeling
yet i think i am
busier than usual
exempt from being
asked to do anything
extra voluntary!!!
Dont they know who i am!!
And how precious my time is??
And how i choose what i do
you dont give it me!!
And espdcually when
me myself and i had
made plans in the sun
HALT
i was very tired
and didnt realise how tired i was

still did it
made mustakes
acxepted grace
gracefully
still got some sun
and now
step 10'd

i need divine
guidance
on several issues

i need to withdraw
and pray
specifically
earnestly
honestly

Self obsessed 100%

Seems when i was drinking
i was continually playing over
the day
the week
the hour
the past
the future
the present
coulda woulda shoulda
and living in continual
guilt and fear
never communicating
never asking for help
just trying
to figure out
why it happened
and what to do

now
i am doing lots of good stuff
praying
living in the
present mostly
letting go so much better
accepting grace better
loving others
serving god

yet still i find time
to think about myself
what you thinks
what he she thinks
whats next
all at the same time
yet i dont worry about
all of that or live it like before
i dont sit for hours wondering
it comes in and goes out
i take what i need
and reject the rest
i do life while this chattering goes on
and much of the time
i can let it go, pass on through

yet there are a few
that even though i suffer for it
i hang onto just for so called fun
yet they keep me in the bondage

apparantly non alkys
are like this aswell
the ones that dont
are either on something
or numb
or lying
or have better things to do
than even think about all this!!

Nothing wrong ....

All 3 samples negatuve
which means nothing wrong
just breathing tests
in a week ir so
test for asthma and the like
no big deal thesedays

i need to stop worrying
stop worrying

buzarrely i spoke with someone today
who is getting medication
to calm his worrying
its called anti depressants !!
See i hadnt put the two togetger

i am not going to take a pill
to stop me worrying
i need to grow out of it
or gradually ditch it
and fill tge hole with faith

it has been said that i worry
less thesedays
and not suprisingly
my faith is stronger

so hoping that
the more fauthful i become
the kess of a worrier
i will be

god has never given me anything
i cant handle so far
with him, in fellowship

so i will keep on
keeping on
til we are done

lay in tomorrow
and off to vets in afternoon
cat has ear mites again
and his annual well man check
and jabs :)

that means i have had him a year
or is it that he had me for a year? :)
he still purrs his head off when he sees me
before and after food
he still lays around purring randomly
he still hoots and miaows
and i still hae no idea what he's on about
he puts up with his no set meal times
i put up with his hairs!!
we get in fine
i love him :)
he is a grateful cat
and i am grateful for his personality
its perfect

As sick as your secrets

As Sick as your secrets

There is something about
Having and doing samples
Brings out dishonesty
Pride ad a certain amount of 
Arrogance, and fear!!

Dishonesty in that i want
To eat/drink only good atuff
While i am giving samples

Pride what will they think of me
When they see it? Test it?
They will know how i live
They will know the real me
Paranoia because really
Thesedays i eat and drink
Better than many and 
Not aswell as some
I have nothing to hide
But i can improve :)

Arrogance in thinking
I know what they are looking
For in the tests
I know how to manipulate
My intake to have a good test
Yet what the heck do i know?
Head, why do you want to 
Manipulate?
I want it straight!!

Fear in that i could have gone
Earlier and dropped of all samples
But was afraid and went back to bed
Put it off ... so sloth aswell
Yet ignorance is not bliss
Sloth does hold termites
That eat away at all the good work
All the progress
Brings up today... Fear
And a feeling of guilt
That i could have gone
To work earlier
Further dishonesty

Defects are a pain in the ass!!

I will be only as 
Sick as the secrets my body
Holds onto
Which is why i need
Experts to uncover the mysteries
The skeletons lurking!! :)

Also i am suffering 
Analysis paralysis
And need to stop
Composing blog posts
It keeps me in victim
Drama queen mode..

See i could get a call today
To say all clear!!

Then it would be simply
A virus

Reallu busy this afternoon
No time to think!
Called GP
Results not ready, call again friday
After 11am

No physical pains today!!

Going out for dinner this eve
Older couple at church
Returning my invite
A few months ago
Nice :)

Money and spreadsheets

Even though i have worked in the
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored

same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does

makes me sleep

note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)

Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)

good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?

mental Physical stuff today

Yeh i am interested in how my mind
and body work... Or dont work :)

is it my imagination or
is my kidney/abdomen area
hurting this evening? Hehe
the mind has a mind of its own
more water
more water

i sometimes wonder
if because i am asked questions
regarding my body workings
it then kind of gives me permission
to acknowledge sonethinga is going on
like the pain
or gives my imagination a crack
at creating a pain which is
all centred in the mind??


i thought it was hip pain
or lower back
now he mentions kidney
i think kidney

i wonder how neurotic i will become
around health issues...
Its a given that the more
i mix with people
the more i will hear health issues
it made me laugh how as soon
as i get given a diagnosis
many people offered a suggestion
advice, yet not many followed the
same advice they had been given
in a diaciplined fashiom

i have to be real
The best GP yesterday said
he would not be getting excited
about my cholestrol level or anemia level
even if it stayed as is and escalated over
10 year period with fanily history
he still would not get excited
its goiod to look at diet again
throw out some stuff
add some things in
cut down, step up
yet i need not get neurotic
not overanalyse
and stop thinking about my
physocal health 24/7
whats the word?
Oh yeh
an obsession!!
God help me!!

Mentally this evening
i had a fleeting
oh well if i have effin cancer
and am gonna die
then who gives a c4@9
if i eat chocolate at midnight
who cares if my sample
in the
morning has cadburys in it?
Really what does it matter
4 chuncks of dairy milk
?
So i am not perfect
i am afraid of letting go of the reigns
to another human
yet i have home group members
who light the path in front of me
only by weeks
and set me an example
as i said beforw
i dont want to die
not yet
i feel like i have too much life
running through my bones
(robbie williams)
not going to waste
but it would e a waste
to go any time now

thank you for your comments
i have no idea either
how anyone does it
without a LOVING God
i certainly couldnt have faith
in just any old HP
has to be loving and want
me happy joyeous & free
and gives me jobs to do :)

Its true service keeps you sober sane and serene :)

Just done another session
with youth group at church
8-13 year olds
not sure how old the little guys are
but we are settling in fine

much laughter and getting to know names
and playing together
table football
mini table tennis
cards
throwing soft ball arond
indoor skittles
pool

mispent youth has payed off
yet eyesight and reflexes not whatbthy were

much laughter

we have a couple of retired women too
one had never played table football
in her life... Until tonight :)
she even managed to dig me in the
kidneys with her goalie haha!!
Such lengths people go to to win ;)

renaming tuesday eve's 7-8 happy hour
i have never worked with kids
an hour is enough for now
its simple relationship building
i love the opportunities i have been given
doors open

i have said before
i am lucky to be alive
i am lucky to ha e been given the tools
which work on my mental spiritual health
if i died tomorrow (which i dont plan too)
i have had an amazing 6.75 years
no i am not being morbid
i just feel like i have worked hard
surrended
and chose to comply with
a life of service
and its brought me joy
even in the face of advsersity
i feel really blessed
i want to do more
i want to grow old
i want to be a witness to
what God can do
i want to live to be 120 :D

a design for living
even in rough going

Love

Is not about fixing
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth

not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
absolutely
anylengths
is not hiding
avoiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real

i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love

Its just a moment this time will pass

Its interesting how i and other behave
work colleagues and manager
very supportive
health is first

church friends
all pray or me

sponsor
there, reminding me
keep it in the day
be of service
no predicting
think of others
i dont know that there is anything wrong
praying for me

doctor
do more samples
we will send to lab if positive
they will test
and if so i will need to then go
fir further tests

chest xray clear
no apparant reason for cough

who knows!!
Only God at the moment

stayed at churvh after doctor
they were guitarless
so i chipped in
it helped me get out of my mind
and helped them
they prayed for me
and showed their love
its something i am beginning
to really appreciate
i used to envy close families
yet not envy that in your face stuff
yet my church family is real
its loving when i need it
yet not co dependent
not manopilatuve
not like blood families
like here if you need
the love is real

i got the love
i need to see me through :)

Friday to Monday - exyraordinary

Exellent day friday
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)

Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Shopped
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol

Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible

I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Bottle
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really

dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Abnormal
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...

Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
She
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that

She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
 that is at the surgery
For this evening
Remarkable

Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
Moment
She picked up
Remarkable

And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp

I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me
Remarkeable

I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.

After letting it go 3 times
Praying
Crying
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing

Prison service rocks !!

I havent done prison service for ages
geographicallly its completely
opposite direction for me to get home!!
Yet i do it !!

Service keeps me sober
step 12
the guys are so grateful
i got excited last night
because i was going
into wandsworth prison

unheard of
not even a glimmer of a thought
7 years ago

God has awesome plans
i am grateful for every opportunity

to go in and feel the prison
right in its heart
you have to do it

AA has taken me places
internally and externally
i could only have imagined

thank you God

You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbour as thy self" p153

To thine own self be true
be youself, not what other people want, expect you to be
Be a realist 
not am optimist or a pesimist. 
Everyday... 
Accept what you can't change, 
chnage what you can 
And pray for what you need
Needs not wants will be satisfied. 
Ask for what you want if you like, 
if you don't get it
it's not because you are being punished
God (as I understand Him)doesn't punish
It's either because you aren't meant to have, now, never or because something better is on it's way :) 
I needed a relationship with God first
I would not have been ready for a man before I have right relationship wi God. I also really had No idea 
what an ideal relationship was
Not up close like i see them now
This last 18 months I have hung around many loving relationships 
that have what I want. 
It is possible & I have an idea how now. I also know the wives 
I will be able to talk to when I need to talk about my husband or 
check I am on the right track!! 
Abit like old timers in AA
it's hard to be patient.. 
When you have no idea whether
A partner mate is on the horizon
Or not!!
It's the character building stuff
12x12 talks about
For about the first 5 years 
I have been getting well within AA
No way did I have capacity ability
Mental physical spiritual stability
To offer equal or any semblance
Of how it really is to commit to
A long term relationship 24/7
I really had no idea
The 13 year relationship I had before
Was based on fear, desparation
Guilt, shame, loneliness
A feeling if freakiness
This is all I deserved
This is all I was capable was
And perhaps.... The last statement
Was true

It's taken hard work but it's only in the last 18months or so
That I feel like I have passed for normal whatever that is
That I could do a relationship
And still I choose to make friends
My intuition and what I see an want
Is someone that I find within
My own community
Who knows it may e where I am now
It may be an aa, it may be in my
Church network
I believe it will be the best when it comes :)
And I am still changeing
Getting better all the time
Never perfect yet at times
Feeling part of perfect moments

In AA I have been encouraged to
Go for Gold
The best
Aim for prefection
Settle for exellence/brilliance
Etc etc

The homegroup I am at
I consider the best
Otherwise why am I going? 
The friends I have in my life
Thesedays are the best
(best because they are themselves
Let me be myself, all imperfect)
Work colleage relationships are
Best because I am learning to let the be just that, work colleagues
My church is the best
My cat is just brilliant
My sobriety is amazing
The spiritual toolkit is perfect
God is just perfect
Relationships are it

God is Love perfect Love 
not vindictive, punishing or vengeful
He doesn't score points
He always forgives
always wipes the slate clean everytime
he loves us each individually equally he wants the best for us/you 
He will only give us
What we can handle on any given day. He Will not give us anything today that we cannot handle
We just have to accept  
work with god, 
let him work with you

Friendships are relatoonships.
Which need a spiritual toolkit to maintain 
I believe that we have been given fellows at homegriups 
To turn up week after week and love, forgive, tolerate, 
Excersize honest, willing, openmindedness, humility, encourage, share, listen, keep quiet, tell the truth, empathise, love, make mistakes with, make amends to, say sorry, say I love you, laugh with cry with, trust, grow up with. Grow old with. 

We the use the same tools in making friends outside AA
finding community outside is like finding a homegriups, we all have slightly diferent needs. 
Maybe try other peoples homegriups and make it your own or start your own or find another when you find your feet. 
It all takes work
then you get to now your friends
and use the tools learnt previously. 
The difference is that these new friends are not alkys
However they are are undoubtedly
Imperfect just like me/you
And very likely undisciplined
And very likely to be unaware of
What exactly drives them
On a daily basis
Except as I hang around my church more and get involved I see how
When Love true Christian Love
Not the authority, judgemental
Hypocritical power driven pretense
I mean real deep set love for one and other, giving of time, heart, mind 
It is beautiful to be a part of
Not all churches are like that
 
it's imprssive to see exactly how they do it seemingly without effort and with effort. 
Salvation army is full of love
you only have to see some of the comments on facebook
nearly all comments are 
Salvation army friends thesedays :) 

Its no coincidence salvationa army
Was founded by a couple of christians
To church the alcoholics, addicts
Mentally ill, poor, theives, etc
Those not accepted by other churches

I love salvation army as a church people are down to earth
Respectful, Encouraging, fun loving,  everything I am looking for. 
Except for money and status, there is no ego or greed. Is humility and encouragement for the each other an love for those that need. 
Service is key which is why salvation army's slogan is 'belief in action'  :) 

There are the politics, red tape and
Old fashioned traditions which
Some I think came out of the ark...
And I have no idea whether I will get
Rejected at any hurdle
But I may aswell try an see what happens, it will improve me if nothing else :)
The last 14 years in finance
Has had plenty of ego driven rubbish
To sift through, sitting infront of a pc crunching numbers Is not where my future lies I don't think!

I needed a personal relationship with
God
Big book says make use of books and people
My path has gone like this 
If you want to get a personal relationship with God 
get to know Jesus, 
I do
It was suggested to me 
to read The gospel Luke
I did and I have :) 

it was a bit like Reading big book at first, paragraph at a time, 
ReReading it Because it doesn't go in
not getting it, being inspired, 
all the same stuff, dufferent book
it helps sitting in services/meetings hearing the message
brought to life be our pastor
And other sermons I hear
and living in community with my church and seeing them walk the walk.
And those who just talk the talk
Or play in the band
Very like AA except it's not anonymous
I can talk about this amazing love 
I have been given and all the opportuniy and not break any anonymity :) 
see if I didn't know jesus
 then church wouldnt be any different to Aa really god wise
God would just be something that I would have to pray to alone, 
my idea of god, in isolation
In church I can get to know god with others :) the same god, a loving god, who wants us to live each other, communicate, 
live in community, 
be ourselves and be with others.
Love thy neighbour as thy self - big book- vision for you p153
Love you neighbour as yourself - bible Mark 12:31 

Quantitative Easing Explained - How the Economy Works..... An interesting bit if email spam

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is

raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough

times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.



He enters the only hotel, lays a €100 Euro note on the reception

counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick

one.



The hotel proprietor takes the €100 Euro note and runs to pay his

debt to the butcher.



The Butcher takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to

the pig farmer.



The pig farmer takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt

to the supplier of his feed and fuel.



The supplier of feed and fuel takes the €100 Euro note and runs

to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times

gave her service on credit.



The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the €100

Euro Note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she

rented when she brought her clients there.



The hotel proprietor then lays the €100 Euro note back on the

counter so That the rich tourist will not suspect anything.



At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the

rooms, and takes his €100 Euro note, after saying that he did not

like any of the rooms, and leaves town.



No one earned anything.



However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the

future with a lot of optimism.



And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States , United

Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business

Passing for normal

I read this from ifob

http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2010/04/14-years-dead-in-week.html

and wrote this (and added some today)

I like meetings aswell, 
unless I am grumpy, 
although I am loving 
making friends in other outside groups. I miss all the London meetings yet know it's my time at the moment to explore outside relations aswell.

I don't want to ever think 
I don't need meetings. 
It's an insult to the first 100 members I think!! 
To get well and turn away entirely.
Would be like forgetting the person who donated an organ 
and the surgeons and crew 
that saved my life, 
I hope it never happens.

Each to their own 
but you have my permission 
to kick my ass if i every become ungrateful or turn away entirely.

I always want to remain grateful, what I have is very precious, 
no matter how dark 
it sometimes appears. 
The dark bits help me 
appreciate the light more :)

I believe aswell that when I left London I had an idea of how to use 'the program' for all problems. 

Yet I have learned 
Am learning how to deal with issues, not that steps don't. 
Steps help me to see what's th problem
realise and accept 
I cannot solve it and dont need to splve it sufficiently alone, 
Need and do seek help, 
Need to write out what's blocking me accepting help or following suggestions then discuss it appropriately.
Then decide if I really want to 
Change, take action, stop doing etcetc
Pray for gods imput, defect removal
Courage, help, Power etc 
If haven't left it too long with my head in the sand, 
dithering on the side
Its unlikely any harm has been done, 
just a bit of time wasting. 
I should then be in a position to move forward, sideways, backwards, upwards, any road up
 armed with the best help, 
Best process available at that moment likely outcomes, obstacles unearthed and prepared for and 
defects etc rightsized.

Other people deal with issues like this.
Other people deal with issues without this, and better :)
There are many also who just haven't got a clue and like untreated alkys, flounder around causing havoc, despairing, frustrated and feeling hopeless.

I am lucky to be involved in a church which takes action and loves people
I feel blessed to see how people deal
With their own problems and others.
It's really giving me an insight in the spiritual toolkit and general tools of life that I really really haven't got!! 
I have to pick them up everyday
They are not naturally part of me
I really would get it very wrong 
Without them!!

It's inspiring just how people do it
Lifes joys and advrsity
Each are challenging
And each can bring on the need to run
Or shut it down 
Instead of experienceing and getting to know it
And at the same time I, like you
Inspire others too

We all help each other
Flounderers and action takers
Step nazi's and fluffys

I feel like I have grown alot
In the last 18months
Become part of a community
Passed for normal
Whatever that is
My neighbours ask for things
I ask for stuff back
We swap keys
I am known around the neighbourhood
And I like it
I have no shame
Making friends on in all walks

Amazing what can happen when 
You pray loads and follow
The dictates of someone elses higher power
And then when you have evidence
He becomes your Loving God too :)

On way to next to last bereavement course. 
Very helpful to me
Am sure It will help
At somepoint someone else :)

 

Much too much

I love my dad
I don't like his relatonship with money
I don't like my attitude to money either
I would like a happy medium

I used to be able to do many things
yet I am out if practice
and some basic stuff seems
such an effort

yet I an comparing myself aswell
with people with far more experience
years wise in these things
just being around them inspires me
aswell as deflates me

I have realised that I do not
want to live another 50 years
single

yet I do not want to jump into
intimacy through loneliness
desperation or outside influence

I love my aa home group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences

I love my church group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
players take on diffrent roles
diffrent places on the stage
maybe changing from week
to week
all making up the whole
all important
yet dependant on no one

I feel a deep sadness
most days I can't seem to shake
yet I feel the joys so often and
have right attitudes
right relations all over the place
gods will is priority

I think I know what the problem is
and I am afraid it will be
my Achilles heel
that I don't want to be
who I am
that I can't be who what I want
to be

I need to resume
decent prayer and journal
time again
or steps 10,11

12 is happening naturally
in all my affairs
alkys will be put in my path
in gods time not mine

May, I'll try to do a prison service again

I know that my relationship
with god is the most important
after this weekend
I can see why
I love my father yet
I cannot rely on him
or his suggestion advice
or love or presecnce
in my life
hard to describe
but i keep having these
priority shifts
all feels like griowth
suppose I could take a rusk
and describe it as a series of
spiritual experiences

keep breathing
don't quit
turn up
keep on keeping on
have faith

pray
pray
listen
pray

:)