I did all the right things before
going in to HR meeting
it was supposed to be easy
and then he asked me a question
about would I relocate?
and I kinda flipped
I knew this was on the cards
and sane thinking and feeling
already accepted this
and I kinda freaked out
backed into a corner to make a decsion
there and then
and I couldn't stop
Powerless
then numbed out
til all you got was
yes no answers
no feeling, no emotion
I couldnt wait to get out
I had to leave the building
and cry
I scared myself
more than they scared me
I didnt like me in there
So when they said
I have never seen you like that before
the truth is
they have never seen me
in that situation before
and hey backed into a corner
scared, with an unexpected question
that I am deciding my destiny...
in 30 seconds
I cant remember what else happend
I went and apologised to the HR guy after
and said i wasnt happy with the way
our meeting had gone
he said he knew it wasnt me in there
and it was understandable under the circumstances
I am moving house in a few weeks
and starting uni
and they are asking me
whether I would be prepared to move and relocate
... my inner self reacted against BADLY
he and my boss said there was no need to apologise
I said there was,
I needed to live with myself and my conscience
and now I can pray to let it go
I am touched by kindness and understanding
I was given this afternoon
like I give out
its a must to receive
I am not a rock or an island
I do feel pain
and I do cry
I am human
LIVING the challenges of life
without any wings
and whilst today
I considered smoking
I refused lunch
I did take inventory
I did pray
I did make two apologies
I did complete my self assessment
I did grade myself highly & truthfully
I can evidence every example if required
I am going to bed early
I did ask for help
I did show myself
without my pride
I have softened
and its ok
I did complete & post my lawyers papers for house move
I did get to physio apt ontime (I am making progress)
I did come home and eat
The sky has not fallen in!
This is a song about pride and fear
isolation and arrogance
I used to like this song
the similarities I felt
protection, on guard...
no risks
nowadays I have trouble listening to it
its not in keeping with how I feel today
it takes me back and gives me gratitude
that I have changed
Simon & Garfunkel I am a Rock
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
"I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain"
Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
See I do and I do
so this song is not about me now
its about how I used to be
Today's lesson is
about
progress not perfection
and letting go and letting Good/God
no roaring today.. Good night x
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58 - Roar!
Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? P52
This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...
Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!
AND
Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66
"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!
New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related
We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52
Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66
Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested
Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!
Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!
Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!
This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...
Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!
AND
Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66
"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!
New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related
We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52
Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66
Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested
Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!
Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!
Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Paulo Coelho - The second cardinal virtue: Hope
The Warrior of Light Issue 180
The second cardinal virtue: Hope
According to the dictionary: a tendency of the spirit to consider something as probable; the second of the theological virtues; expectation; supposition; probability.
In the words of Jesus: Look at the wild birds. They do not sow or reap, or store their food in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more account than they? But which of you with all his worry can add a single hour to his life? Why should you worry about clothing? See how the wild flowers grow. They do not toil or spin, and yet I tell you, Solomon in all his splendor was never dressed like one of them. But if God so beautifully dresses the wild grass, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not so much more surely clothe you, you who have so little faith? (Matthew, 6: 26-30)
For the ancient Greeks: In one of the classic myths of the Creation, one of the gods, furious at the fact that Prometheus stole fire and in doing so gave men their independence, sends Pandora to marry her brother Epimetheus. Pandora brings along a box, which she is forbidden to open. However, just as happens to Eve in the Christian myth, her curiosity gets the better of her: she raises the lid to see what is inside, and at this moment all the troubles of the world spill out and spread all over the Earth. Only one thing remains inside: Hope, the only arm to combat the misfortune that has scattered throughout the world.
The four greatest hopes of humanity:
1] The coming of the Messiah (in the case of Christianism, the return of Christ; in the case of Islam and Judaism, the first coming); 2] the cure of cancer; 3] the discovery of extraterrestrial life; and 4] world peace. (Source: research on the most hoped-for newspaper headlines, 1996)
A real story: At the age of five, Glenn Cunninghan (1909-1988) suffered serious burns to the legs, and the doctors had no hopes for his recovery. They all felt that he was condemned to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
Glenn Cunningham paid no attention to the doctors and got out of bed the following week.
“The doctors saw my legs but they did not see my heart. Now I’m going to run faster than anyone.”
In 1934 he beat the 1500-meter world record with the time of 4 minutes and 6 seconds. He was paid homage in Madison Square Garden as Athlete of the Century.
In a Hassidic story (Jewish tradition): At the end of the forty days of deluge, Noah emerged from the Ark. He disembarked full of hope, lit some incense, looked around him, and all he saw was destruction and death. Noah cried out:
"Lord Almighty, if you knew the future, why did you create man? Just for the pleasure of punishing him?"
A triple perfume rose to the sky: the incense, the perfume of Noah’s tears, and the aroma of his actions. Then came the answer:
"The prayers of a just man are always heard. Let me tell you why I did this: so that might understand your work. You and your descendants will use hope and will always be rebuilding a world that came from nothing. In that way we shall share the work and the consequences: now we are both responsible."
The individual’s four greatest hopes:
1] Meeting the beloved one; 2] being free of financial problems; 3] being free of sickness; 4] immortality. (Source: Irving Wallace, The Book of Lists, 1977)
Hoping to be remembered: The great Caliph Alrum Al-Rachid decided to build a palace that would mark the grandeur of his reign. Besides the chosen terrain stood a shack. Al-Rachid asked his minister to convince the owner – an old weaver – to sell it to be demolished. The minister tried, but without any success. Back at the palace, it was suggested that they simply expel the old man from the site.
“No,” answered Al-Rachid. “It will become part of my legacy to my people. When they see the palace, they will say: he was great. And when they see the shack, they will say: he was just, because he respected the desire of others.”
(next Warrior of Light Online Love)
The second cardinal virtue: Hope
According to the dictionary: a tendency of the spirit to consider something as probable; the second of the theological virtues; expectation; supposition; probability.
In the words of Jesus: Look at the wild birds. They do not sow or reap, or store their food in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more account than they? But which of you with all his worry can add a single hour to his life? Why should you worry about clothing? See how the wild flowers grow. They do not toil or spin, and yet I tell you, Solomon in all his splendor was never dressed like one of them. But if God so beautifully dresses the wild grass, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not so much more surely clothe you, you who have so little faith? (Matthew, 6: 26-30)
For the ancient Greeks: In one of the classic myths of the Creation, one of the gods, furious at the fact that Prometheus stole fire and in doing so gave men their independence, sends Pandora to marry her brother Epimetheus. Pandora brings along a box, which she is forbidden to open. However, just as happens to Eve in the Christian myth, her curiosity gets the better of her: she raises the lid to see what is inside, and at this moment all the troubles of the world spill out and spread all over the Earth. Only one thing remains inside: Hope, the only arm to combat the misfortune that has scattered throughout the world.
The four greatest hopes of humanity:
1] The coming of the Messiah (in the case of Christianism, the return of Christ; in the case of Islam and Judaism, the first coming); 2] the cure of cancer; 3] the discovery of extraterrestrial life; and 4] world peace. (Source: research on the most hoped-for newspaper headlines, 1996)
A real story: At the age of five, Glenn Cunninghan (1909-1988) suffered serious burns to the legs, and the doctors had no hopes for his recovery. They all felt that he was condemned to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
Glenn Cunningham paid no attention to the doctors and got out of bed the following week.
“The doctors saw my legs but they did not see my heart. Now I’m going to run faster than anyone.”
In 1934 he beat the 1500-meter world record with the time of 4 minutes and 6 seconds. He was paid homage in Madison Square Garden as Athlete of the Century.
In a Hassidic story (Jewish tradition): At the end of the forty days of deluge, Noah emerged from the Ark. He disembarked full of hope, lit some incense, looked around him, and all he saw was destruction and death. Noah cried out:
"Lord Almighty, if you knew the future, why did you create man? Just for the pleasure of punishing him?"
A triple perfume rose to the sky: the incense, the perfume of Noah’s tears, and the aroma of his actions. Then came the answer:
"The prayers of a just man are always heard. Let me tell you why I did this: so that might understand your work. You and your descendants will use hope and will always be rebuilding a world that came from nothing. In that way we shall share the work and the consequences: now we are both responsible."
The individual’s four greatest hopes:
1] Meeting the beloved one; 2] being free of financial problems; 3] being free of sickness; 4] immortality. (Source: Irving Wallace, The Book of Lists, 1977)
Hoping to be remembered: The great Caliph Alrum Al-Rachid decided to build a palace that would mark the grandeur of his reign. Besides the chosen terrain stood a shack. Al-Rachid asked his minister to convince the owner – an old weaver – to sell it to be demolished. The minister tried, but without any success. Back at the palace, it was suggested that they simply expel the old man from the site.
“No,” answered Al-Rachid. “It will become part of my legacy to my people. When they see the palace, they will say: he was great. And when they see the shack, they will say: he was just, because he respected the desire of others.”
(next Warrior of Light Online Love)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? p139
A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140
I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today
I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going P15
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!
I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!
and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready
Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will
Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)
And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed
I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today
I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going P15
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!
I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!
and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready
Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will
Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)
And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed
Monday, September 01, 2008
Step 3 again...
someone moved the furniture
yet again at work
without my permission
in a roundabout way
I have got what I wanted...
yes we always get what we want
if we ask earnestly
although not always
wrapped in the paper of our choosing
Much step 3 to he done
much restraint of tongue and pen
much patience
much blind faith
much continuing Gods will
Thy will not mine be done!
Thank God for telephone phone service
and the 3 legacies
thats what I say!
and thank you Molly
for reminding me about the hurricane
its put my stuff in perspective!
My Prayers are out there
with the millions of others
for all affected by
and anyone in the storm path!
yet again at work
without my permission
in a roundabout way
I have got what I wanted...
yes we always get what we want
if we ask earnestly
although not always
wrapped in the paper of our choosing
Much step 3 to he done
much restraint of tongue and pen
much patience
much blind faith
much continuing Gods will
Thy will not mine be done!
Thank God for telephone phone service
and the 3 legacies
thats what I say!
and thank you Molly
for reminding me about the hurricane
its put my stuff in perspective!
My Prayers are out there
with the millions of others
for all affected by
and anyone in the storm path!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Step 3 is required...
What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? P61
This week
Financial insecurity
and a feeling like
what was is not working
therefor do not delay
and do something
about it NOW
Obviously self will says
well I am not doing anything
until I know
exactly how it will be
when I have done it
and pain & risk limitation
has been reduced to a minimum
Faith says
enough now
no need to know
do the right thing
not driven by fear
and self will
pray for patience and tolerence
pray for fear to be removed
pray for faith
pray for restraint of tongue and pen
pray for willingness
you will be ok
trust me!
House move is ticking along
ok this week
I am just realising that
a "relationship"
is just not working
the boundaries have changed
and the attraction
and motives at the beginning
have changed
dynamics etc
why am I staying in it?
financial security will
be jeapodised if I am out of it
I dont know what will happen
and I dont know if I will be able to cope
and I dont like pain
and I dont like to not know
what will people think of me if it goes wrong
what if
what if
what if
all familiar fearful
stuff that comes up in my step 10's
over and over!!
So I tried to change
other relationships
which are working
instead of addressing the one
which isnt...
get it?
therefore being the actor
who tries to control
the show
I am bringing confusion
all around
especially in my own head
More prayers
This week
Financial insecurity
and a feeling like
what was is not working
therefor do not delay
and do something
about it NOW
Obviously self will says
well I am not doing anything
until I know
exactly how it will be
when I have done it
and pain & risk limitation
has been reduced to a minimum
Faith says
enough now
no need to know
do the right thing
not driven by fear
and self will
pray for patience and tolerence
pray for fear to be removed
pray for faith
pray for restraint of tongue and pen
pray for willingness
you will be ok
trust me!
House move is ticking along
ok this week
I am just realising that
a "relationship"
is just not working
the boundaries have changed
and the attraction
and motives at the beginning
have changed
dynamics etc
why am I staying in it?
financial security will
be jeapodised if I am out of it
I dont know what will happen
and I dont know if I will be able to cope
and I dont like pain
and I dont like to not know
what will people think of me if it goes wrong
what if
what if
what if
all familiar fearful
stuff that comes up in my step 10's
over and over!!
So I tried to change
other relationships
which are working
instead of addressing the one
which isnt...
get it?
therefore being the actor
who tries to control
the show
I am bringing confusion
all around
especially in my own head
More prayers
Monday, August 25, 2008
Humbled by the extraordinariness that my life is - compared to what it was
my efforts - willingness
and its/his Power
combined
create the extraordinary
I feel humble
and grateful to be
within the realm of the King of Goodliness
Matt Redman - Facedown
Someone once said to me
God wants his family back
like a father
today my Dad
offered to come and help with my house move
this is extraordinary!
and yet to many it will not appear that way
See God had created what to
many will seem ordinary
ordinary life
ordinary experiences
but to me
it feels very special
its worked for
with good motives
a few days ago
I said marriage and kids
may make my life perfect
I think
having my dad in my life
is more important today
I had accepted that the distant
and muted life we share.. was it
and I pray for them both often
restraint and tolerence and patience
and love
and see... what happens
perhaps they just didnt like where I live
and have been wishing for
me in the same way for not changing
and they having to accept my ways...
excersizing their own restraint
tolerence patience and love
somehow without argument...
excersizing live and let live
and giving time time
we may have finally found some middle ground
geographically speaking
6 out of the last 7 working days
I have arrived early
at work...
I dropped off the early meetings
wed/thursday/friday last week
wed/thurs still got in early
but it was a struggle
Friday, I was well late!!
proves to me yet again
I cant do this on my own
I revert back...
today I did some shopping
in between the meeting and work
and still arrived early
now thats what I call
a flippin miracle!
and its/his Power
combined
create the extraordinary
I feel humble
and grateful to be
within the realm of the King of Goodliness
Matt Redman - Facedown
Someone once said to me
God wants his family back
like a father
today my Dad
offered to come and help with my house move
this is extraordinary!
and yet to many it will not appear that way
See God had created what to
many will seem ordinary
ordinary life
ordinary experiences
but to me
it feels very special
its worked for
with good motives
a few days ago
I said marriage and kids
may make my life perfect
I think
having my dad in my life
is more important today
I had accepted that the distant
and muted life we share.. was it
and I pray for them both often
restraint and tolerence and patience
and love
and see... what happens
perhaps they just didnt like where I live
and have been wishing for
me in the same way for not changing
and they having to accept my ways...
excersizing their own restraint
tolerence patience and love
somehow without argument...
excersizing live and let live
and giving time time
we may have finally found some middle ground
geographically speaking
6 out of the last 7 working days
I have arrived early
at work...
I dropped off the early meetings
wed/thursday/friday last week
wed/thurs still got in early
but it was a struggle
Friday, I was well late!!
proves to me yet again
I cant do this on my own
I revert back...
today I did some shopping
in between the meeting and work
and still arrived early
now thats what I call
a flippin miracle!
Knowing Gods will is not enough - action is required to carry it out
First Step
We tend to see things not as they are but as we are.
Becoming quiet and simple inside is a first step to seeing things truly.
From Inner Space
yes the bus outside has squeaky brakes and its annoying me
no the bus outside has squeaky brakes regardless
of whether I am here or not
its not doing it to annoy me
everyone in the vicinity can also hear it
its not personal
yes The forms I am filling in
are really tedious and hard to sit and do
no the forms are standard forms
they are not tedious and hard
because they are not a familiar activity to me
they are just forms
silent pieces of paper with printing on them
not dangerous or emotionally disturbing
everyone fills them going through this process
its not personal
yes people will judge me
question me
say things which I see to be untrue
in relation to me which I take as critic
not accepting
not encouraging
regarding the bus
well ear plugs
or just tune out like i do mostly
regarding the forms
start at the beginning and fill them
in step by step
then send them off
its part of the process
regarding people
its not personal!
its just their perception
of how I appear to them
I do it too
judge others
not react enthusiastic
sometimes, while things get processed
in my head
I must do... I am human
like you
self will... self centredness
I dont want things to be how they are
these things a deliberatly meant/sent
to try me
its all too hard...
I dont want to...
I cant..
all dishonest
see I dont have to do any of this!
we make our own misery
or we can see it as the character building stuff
that following things through
being responsible carries
which ultimately leads to the joys
and freedom
And Acceptance is the answer
This is where will power is required
inorder to follow through to Gods will
it doesnt say
get the promises and then
keep taking inventory
keep praying for forgiveness
and intuition
and then do nothing with it
does it?
nah once you know
its more action!
step 12 action inside and outside the room
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.P85
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.p86
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88
We tend to see things not as they are but as we are.
Becoming quiet and simple inside is a first step to seeing things truly.
From Inner Space
yes the bus outside has squeaky brakes and its annoying me
no the bus outside has squeaky brakes regardless
of whether I am here or not
its not doing it to annoy me
everyone in the vicinity can also hear it
its not personal
yes The forms I am filling in
are really tedious and hard to sit and do
no the forms are standard forms
they are not tedious and hard
because they are not a familiar activity to me
they are just forms
silent pieces of paper with printing on them
not dangerous or emotionally disturbing
everyone fills them going through this process
its not personal
yes people will judge me
question me
say things which I see to be untrue
in relation to me which I take as critic
not accepting
not encouraging
regarding the bus
well ear plugs
or just tune out like i do mostly
regarding the forms
start at the beginning and fill them
in step by step
then send them off
its part of the process
regarding people
its not personal!
its just their perception
of how I appear to them
I do it too
judge others
not react enthusiastic
sometimes, while things get processed
in my head
I must do... I am human
like you
self will... self centredness
I dont want things to be how they are
these things a deliberatly meant/sent
to try me
its all too hard...
I dont want to...
I cant..
all dishonest
see I dont have to do any of this!
we make our own misery
or we can see it as the character building stuff
that following things through
being responsible carries
which ultimately leads to the joys
and freedom
And Acceptance is the answer
This is where will power is required
inorder to follow through to Gods will
it doesnt say
get the promises and then
keep taking inventory
keep praying for forgiveness
and intuition
and then do nothing with it
does it?
nah once you know
its more action!
step 12 action inside and outside the room
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.P85
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.p86
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88
Sunday, August 24, 2008
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133
I am coming to realise
that people do not understand
how the heck I am like I am
thats AA's and not AA's
its pretty frustrating
at times
when all i do
is ask God what he wants me to do next
listen and then do
sometimes its absurd
sometimes it isnt
I take action
the doors shut by themselves
when its not Gods will
There is oly certain people
I can say to
Moving somewhere
because God gave me the idea...
sounds pretty absurd
but its true
I have put in the action
the doors are just opening
so far!
Finding peace and help the stil suffering alky..
its enough for now!
Its about looking outside the
restricting view of life
I can have so easily
I can live anywhere
do anything
if i put the work in
freedom
So many people
walki around feeling like
spiritial life and or religion is the way forward
and for some it is
i do not agree that either has to be a life
of suffering
I feel like I have already
been to hell and am now in heaven
simply by following the dictates
or rather the firm direction
of a loving higher power
God
Recently I have been reading about Jesus
and I am learning to love this man
in a way I never have before
and it seems hard for a few Christian friends
of mine to understand
that I can and do live the spiritual life
and am learning to love this Jesus
and grateful for what he did
and gave us
yet I do not feel the need to turn my will and life
over to Jesus
its God I have
its only the Christians
that turn around and say
well God is Jesus
like i really want to argue
nope!
this guy may well have come to save us
and for that I am grateful
but if he is also God
why do i need to turn over to JC
its not appealing yet!
and a few friends without releigion
think I am a Christian
they say no-one but Christians
dont drink, smoke, remain celibate
and dont eat meat
extraordinary
yet I know quite a few Christian
that abstain from none of the above
God gives me what I need
directly
and indirectly
God bless
Christians, Jews, Buddhists
and those like me
that just call him God
and try
keep it simple
Get behind me satan
to the suffering inside and outside the rooms
that find fault in the happy joyous freedom
I am receiving from
what appears to be practicing the principles
anylengths
given to me by AA and God
and want to label me
into something
that I dont feel to be true
A few people outside of AA
just do not get it
and neither do I
but I do it anyway
Its amazing how many people
find fault in what is good
before accepting the good
and saying fantastic!
some people dont say anything
like I just said I have cancer...
extraordinary, disbelieving
but its true
it it just keeps coming
it doesnt say
God wants us happy joyeous and free
just the once
and if you miss it its too late
or you can have it once and then resume
the suffering and frustration
does it?
I have my dark moments
as you know
however I was never promised perfection
I DO however experience perfection
for moments
and just like the darkest times
perfection also passes :)
see even that people find hard to accept
Am I the only person
who can admit to acheiving/receiving
at times perfection?
Life does really get better and better
yes it will plateau off
and then resume upwards towards
perfection that is God
yes I worried yesterday
I am nearing the end of my dreams
perhaps I am gonna die soon then!?
When someone asks you how would that be?
have you ever replied Perfect
Engaging and interacting
with all walks of life
and actually talking
has its downsides!
yep I have to listen to responses!!
Family, Friends, fellows, workmates
all react in different ways
its interesting
and challenging
ok, I have some prayers to do
this is all too hard on my own
and i'll end up resenting everyone and everything
including myself
rejecting the world
and staying in lonely and isolated
like the ... good old days haha
raar!
Know God will help me embrace it all
standing up looking straight ahead
Know God
Know Peace
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.P133
that people do not understand
how the heck I am like I am
thats AA's and not AA's
its pretty frustrating
at times
when all i do
is ask God what he wants me to do next
listen and then do
sometimes its absurd
sometimes it isnt
I take action
the doors shut by themselves
when its not Gods will
There is oly certain people
I can say to
Moving somewhere
because God gave me the idea...
sounds pretty absurd
but its true
I have put in the action
the doors are just opening
so far!
Finding peace and help the stil suffering alky..
its enough for now!
Its about looking outside the
restricting view of life
I can have so easily
I can live anywhere
do anything
if i put the work in
freedom
So many people
walki around feeling like
spiritial life and or religion is the way forward
and for some it is
i do not agree that either has to be a life
of suffering
I feel like I have already
been to hell and am now in heaven
simply by following the dictates
or rather the firm direction
of a loving higher power
God
Recently I have been reading about Jesus
and I am learning to love this man
in a way I never have before
and it seems hard for a few Christian friends
of mine to understand
that I can and do live the spiritual life
and am learning to love this Jesus
and grateful for what he did
and gave us
yet I do not feel the need to turn my will and life
over to Jesus
its God I have
its only the Christians
that turn around and say
well God is Jesus
like i really want to argue
nope!
this guy may well have come to save us
and for that I am grateful
but if he is also God
why do i need to turn over to JC
its not appealing yet!
and a few friends without releigion
think I am a Christian
they say no-one but Christians
dont drink, smoke, remain celibate
and dont eat meat
extraordinary
yet I know quite a few Christian
that abstain from none of the above
God gives me what I need
directly
and indirectly
God bless
Christians, Jews, Buddhists
and those like me
that just call him God
and try
keep it simple
Get behind me satan
to the suffering inside and outside the rooms
that find fault in the happy joyous freedom
I am receiving from
what appears to be practicing the principles
anylengths
given to me by AA and God
and want to label me
into something
that I dont feel to be true
A few people outside of AA
just do not get it
and neither do I
but I do it anyway
Its amazing how many people
find fault in what is good
before accepting the good
and saying fantastic!
some people dont say anything
like I just said I have cancer...
extraordinary, disbelieving
but its true
it it just keeps coming
it doesnt say
God wants us happy joyeous and free
just the once
and if you miss it its too late
or you can have it once and then resume
the suffering and frustration
does it?
I have my dark moments
as you know
however I was never promised perfection
I DO however experience perfection
for moments
and just like the darkest times
perfection also passes :)
see even that people find hard to accept
Am I the only person
who can admit to acheiving/receiving
at times perfection?
Life does really get better and better
yes it will plateau off
and then resume upwards towards
perfection that is God
yes I worried yesterday
I am nearing the end of my dreams
perhaps I am gonna die soon then!?
When someone asks you how would that be?
have you ever replied Perfect
Engaging and interacting
with all walks of life
and actually talking
has its downsides!
yep I have to listen to responses!!
Family, Friends, fellows, workmates
all react in different ways
its interesting
and challenging
ok, I have some prayers to do
this is all too hard on my own
and i'll end up resenting everyone and everything
including myself
rejecting the world
and staying in lonely and isolated
like the ... good old days haha
raar!
Know God will help me embrace it all
standing up looking straight ahead
Know God
Know Peace
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.P133
Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.p99,100
Strength
Contentment is a great strength. It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity. Contentment means we have overcome useless desires. It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
From Inner Space
Contentment is a great strength.
I suppose I havent really though of it as a strength
except if i think of how it would be to be
restless irritable & DIS contented. xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
then I feel less than
unworthy, paranoid
weak not strong
powerless
It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity.
to thine own self be true
rigorous honesty
to be honest
acceptance
of the present
what I have or haven't
who I am and am not
how it is and is not
happy not necessarily right
keeping it simple
the truth
keeping it real
Contentment means we have overcome useless desires.
me living it not expecting you to live it
and me experience it
no fantasy
not predicting
not assuming
not attachment
not the holding onto the past
nor the future
not grasping for people or things
not fixing
not sulking
not expecting
not waiting for
not dying for
not living for
not giving up
not keeping hold of
its letting go
It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
To this I say
only if they show you themselves
their perfectness and their imperfectness
and even then, even if
it could all change within
30 minutes!
thats my view of what contentment looks like
and theirs!
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and my apparant contentment
which seemed so attractive
can falter within seconds
and appear false!
I cant see or feel your insides
on what your outsides look like!
or purely on what you choose to show me
when the two do not appear as one
ie no apparant admission of virtues
nor apparant admission of defects
it is not attractive
spiritual or honest
infact its unattractive
controlling
thoughtless
confusing
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and what i feel at any given moment
is not necessarily when you see and feel
at the same moment
there is sometimes a time difference
I am really seeing how
fear, pride and jealousy
prevent people from
showing their imperfect selves
and they disappear
to another circle
in an avoidance
of someone finding out
who they really are
or taking responsibility
maintaining a relationship
at any level takes effort
to say I am jealous...
and to continue to stick around
takes effort and courage
to say I am scared of whats going on
takes effort and courage
and yet others come right out and say
stuff without fear of anything
people myself included
continue to suprise me...
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
Am I being judgemental?
Yes
Am I learning about
normal human behaviour
of the non alky and the alky?
yes
Do I behave the same way?
yes I have done
can/will do again no doubt
Its interesting though
How fear of rejection
fear of what some one will think of me
fear of being alone (no friends!)
prevents me from leaving someone alone
saying no
what is my definition of what a friend is anyway?
friendship?
is it just another one of my old ideas
I MUST let go of
in order to
experience contentment?
is it just a cunning part of the mental
that grows neediness and loneliness?
and discontentment...
yes i know this to be!
and yet at the same time
humans naturally
need other humans
rejection of self and others
grows neediness and loneliness
in self and others
Speaking purely with God
is not enough
What God gives me
is always enough
People places and things
including me
are channels
for/of Gods work
and the message
Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!p100
Contentment is a great strength. It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity. Contentment means we have overcome useless desires. It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
From Inner Space
Contentment is a great strength.
I suppose I havent really though of it as a strength
except if i think of how it would be to be
restless irritable & DIS contented. xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
then I feel less than
unworthy, paranoid
weak not strong
powerless
It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity.
to thine own self be true
rigorous honesty
to be honest
acceptance
of the present
what I have or haven't
who I am and am not
how it is and is not
happy not necessarily right
keeping it simple
the truth
keeping it real
Contentment means we have overcome useless desires.
me living it not expecting you to live it
and me experience it
no fantasy
not predicting
not assuming
not attachment
not the holding onto the past
nor the future
not grasping for people or things
not fixing
not sulking
not expecting
not waiting for
not dying for
not living for
not giving up
not keeping hold of
its letting go
It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
To this I say
only if they show you themselves
their perfectness and their imperfectness
and even then, even if
it could all change within
30 minutes!
thats my view of what contentment looks like
and theirs!
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and my apparant contentment
which seemed so attractive
can falter within seconds
and appear false!
I cant see or feel your insides
on what your outsides look like!
or purely on what you choose to show me
when the two do not appear as one
ie no apparant admission of virtues
nor apparant admission of defects
it is not attractive
spiritual or honest
infact its unattractive
controlling
thoughtless
confusing
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and what i feel at any given moment
is not necessarily when you see and feel
at the same moment
there is sometimes a time difference
I am really seeing how
fear, pride and jealousy
prevent people from
showing their imperfect selves
and they disappear
to another circle
in an avoidance
of someone finding out
who they really are
or taking responsibility
maintaining a relationship
at any level takes effort
to say I am jealous...
and to continue to stick around
takes effort and courage
to say I am scared of whats going on
takes effort and courage
and yet others come right out and say
stuff without fear of anything
people myself included
continue to suprise me...
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
Am I being judgemental?
Yes
Am I learning about
normal human behaviour
of the non alky and the alky?
yes
Do I behave the same way?
yes I have done
can/will do again no doubt
Its interesting though
How fear of rejection
fear of what some one will think of me
fear of being alone (no friends!)
prevents me from leaving someone alone
saying no
what is my definition of what a friend is anyway?
friendship?
is it just another one of my old ideas
I MUST let go of
in order to
experience contentment?
is it just a cunning part of the mental
that grows neediness and loneliness?
and discontentment...
yes i know this to be!
and yet at the same time
humans naturally
need other humans
rejection of self and others
grows neediness and loneliness
in self and others
Speaking purely with God
is not enough
What God gives me
is always enough
People places and things
including me
are channels
for/of Gods work
and the message
Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!p100
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The first cardinal virtue: Faith by Paulo Coelho - followed by my stuff
Received from Warrior of Light
Issue 179
The first cardinal virtue: Faith
First we spoke in this space of the seven capital sins. The series enjoyed a wide repercussion among readers, which made me very happy. But what about the seven cardinal virtues?
The sins come before the virtues. As a wise man said, he who has not sinned has no merit in his virtue – because he has not overcome any temptation. Most holy men of any religion generally lead a dissolute or apathetic life before they dedicate themselves to the spiritual quest.
So, since the series on sins has come to an end, and following the logic of the path of Light, we shall dedicate the next columns to the seven cardinal virtues, beginning with Faith. They are derived from the sum of three theological virtues, plus another four based on Plato which were adapted by Saint Augustine and Saint Thomas Aquinas (there are many divergences regarding the four complementary virtues, so I have decided to choose the more conventional list).
According to the dictionary: from the Latin word fide: confidence; religious belief; conviction with regard to someone or something; firmness in fulfilling a commitment; credit; intention; theological virtue.
According to Jesus Christ: The apostles said to the Lord, “Give us more faith.” And the Lord said: “If your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you could have said to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and planted in the sea,’ and it would have obeyed you!” (Luke, 17: 5-6)
According to Buddhism: "We are what we think. Through thought we build and destroy the world.
“We are what we think. Your imagination can do more harm than your worst enemy.
“But once you control your thoughts, no-one can help you so much, not even your father or your mother." (Extract from Dhammapada, a collection of some of Buddha’s principal teachings)
For Islam: "How do we purify the world?" asked a disciple.
Ibn al-Husayn replied: "There was a sheik in Damascus called Abu Musa al-Qumasi. Everyone honored him for his wisdom, but no-one knew if he was a good man. One afternoon a flaw in construction caused the house where the sheik lived with his wife to fall down. In despair, the neighbors began to dig among the ruins. After a while they managed to locate the wife.
"She said: ‘Leave me. First save my husband, who was sitting more or less over there.’ The neighbors removed the debris from the place she had pointed to and found the sheik, who said: ‘Leave me. First save my wife, who was lying down more or less over there.’
"When someone acts like this couple, they are purifying the whole world through their faith in life and love."
The faith of denying reality: “One year ago I gave a speech in an aircraft-carrier saying that we had succeeded in reaching an important objective, accomplishing a mission, which was to remove Saddam Hussein from power. As a result, there are no more torture chambers, no more mass graves.” (George W. Bush, 30 April 2004. In the same month, the world was to see the photos of torturing in the Abu Graib prison, and the collective executions of the civil war between Shiites and Sunites continue up to the moment I write this column).
According to Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlava: A disciple sought out the rabbi and said: "I can’t manage to talk to God." "That often happens," replied Nachman. "We feel that our mouth is sealed, or that the words just don’t come out. However, the mere fact of making an effort to overcome this situation is in itself a beneficial attitude.”
"But it isn’t enough."
“You’re right. At such times, what you should do is look up at the sky and say: ‘Lord Almighty, I am so far from You that I can’t even believe my own voice.’ Because the truth is that the Lord always hears and answers. It is we who do not manage to talk, for fear that He will pay no attention to us."
My stuff
Today I am 5 years sober
I am because of All that is
You the Great You
Thank You
Issue 179
The first cardinal virtue: Faith
First we spoke in this space of the seven capital sins. The series enjoyed a wide repercussion among readers, which made me very happy. But what about the seven cardinal virtues?
The sins come before the virtues. As a wise man said, he who has not sinned has no merit in his virtue – because he has not overcome any temptation. Most holy men of any religion generally lead a dissolute or apathetic life before they dedicate themselves to the spiritual quest.
So, since the series on sins has come to an end, and following the logic of the path of Light, we shall dedicate the next columns to the seven cardinal virtues, beginning with Faith. They are derived from the sum of three theological virtues, plus another four based on Plato which were adapted by Saint Augustine and Saint Thomas Aquinas (there are many divergences regarding the four complementary virtues, so I have decided to choose the more conventional list).
According to the dictionary: from the Latin word fide: confidence; religious belief; conviction with regard to someone or something; firmness in fulfilling a commitment; credit; intention; theological virtue.
According to Jesus Christ: The apostles said to the Lord, “Give us more faith.” And the Lord said: “If your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you could have said to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and planted in the sea,’ and it would have obeyed you!” (Luke, 17: 5-6)
According to Buddhism: "We are what we think. Through thought we build and destroy the world.
“We are what we think. Your imagination can do more harm than your worst enemy.
“But once you control your thoughts, no-one can help you so much, not even your father or your mother." (Extract from Dhammapada, a collection of some of Buddha’s principal teachings)
For Islam: "How do we purify the world?" asked a disciple.
Ibn al-Husayn replied: "There was a sheik in Damascus called Abu Musa al-Qumasi. Everyone honored him for his wisdom, but no-one knew if he was a good man. One afternoon a flaw in construction caused the house where the sheik lived with his wife to fall down. In despair, the neighbors began to dig among the ruins. After a while they managed to locate the wife.
"She said: ‘Leave me. First save my husband, who was sitting more or less over there.’ The neighbors removed the debris from the place she had pointed to and found the sheik, who said: ‘Leave me. First save my wife, who was lying down more or less over there.’
"When someone acts like this couple, they are purifying the whole world through their faith in life and love."
The faith of denying reality: “One year ago I gave a speech in an aircraft-carrier saying that we had succeeded in reaching an important objective, accomplishing a mission, which was to remove Saddam Hussein from power. As a result, there are no more torture chambers, no more mass graves.” (George W. Bush, 30 April 2004. In the same month, the world was to see the photos of torturing in the Abu Graib prison, and the collective executions of the civil war between Shiites and Sunites continue up to the moment I write this column).
According to Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlava: A disciple sought out the rabbi and said: "I can’t manage to talk to God." "That often happens," replied Nachman. "We feel that our mouth is sealed, or that the words just don’t come out. However, the mere fact of making an effort to overcome this situation is in itself a beneficial attitude.”
"But it isn’t enough."
“You’re right. At such times, what you should do is look up at the sky and say: ‘Lord Almighty, I am so far from You that I can’t even believe my own voice.’ Because the truth is that the Lord always hears and answers. It is we who do not manage to talk, for fear that He will pay no attention to us."
My stuff
Today I am 5 years sober
I am because of All that is
You the Great You
Thank You
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Moving - its for real!!
I accepted an offer on my flat today
and got offer accepted on house
which ny heart moved to yesterday evening!
Its funny (well not really!)
yesterday I did very little praying through the day
and ran along on experience & knowledge
and got pretty anxious at times
spoke to my brother
and he told me straight
and put this in perspective
we only have one life
as a human anyway
who knows what I might come back as
aswell as a few other more practical things...
like if its what you want and you can afford it
then just do it!
I called up a mate who
I know used to be an estate agent
and blahed at her...
she empathised and said
yep play the game
you have to play the bidding game
and then just hand it over...
she had just been to a step 3 meeting
frik! it never entered my head step 3
I prayed but not on this
not before every phone call
before everything
like I seem to so often these days
its like in hurry and indecision
i forgot! hit a blank spot
self will run riot
I love my fellowship friends, sponsors whatever
seem to know when to chuck things in
i like that
in fact I love it!
sometimes I just need telling
yes you are a tw*t, now step 3 anyway!
Today I prayed before EVERY phone call
every thing I did
and its all been agreed in one day
a miracle or what!?
So I am moving to the coast
house with 2 gardens
bedroom windows that I can leave open at night
doors that lead into garden
fields nearby
swans and ducks on the lakes close by
oh yeh
and the sea with sandy/pebble beach just a short walk
finalise my moving over my mortgage tomorrow
so not out of the water yet!
although nearly there...
Went to next physio apt after work
arm and shoulder movement improving
the excersizes she gave me are working
and following her suggestions
regarding what not to do!
and went and did chair at home group
I dunno
and this morning got to work on time
and there was a newcomer at mtg very 1st one!
and I got home and a cheque on mat
could life really get better?
The only things I havent got
are marriage and kids!
well at my age its possible
God I will try and leave this one
entirely in your hands!
if you want to give me that aswell
well whatever
:)
If I die in the night
make sure they know
I am VERY happy
I am 4 years 364days sober
and very grateful
good night
and got offer accepted on house
which ny heart moved to yesterday evening!
Its funny (well not really!)
yesterday I did very little praying through the day
and ran along on experience & knowledge
and got pretty anxious at times
spoke to my brother
and he told me straight
and put this in perspective
we only have one life
as a human anyway
who knows what I might come back as
aswell as a few other more practical things...
like if its what you want and you can afford it
then just do it!
I called up a mate who
I know used to be an estate agent
and blahed at her...
she empathised and said
yep play the game
you have to play the bidding game
and then just hand it over...
she had just been to a step 3 meeting
frik! it never entered my head step 3
I prayed but not on this
not before every phone call
before everything
like I seem to so often these days
its like in hurry and indecision
i forgot! hit a blank spot
self will run riot
I love my fellowship friends, sponsors whatever
seem to know when to chuck things in
i like that
in fact I love it!
sometimes I just need telling
yes you are a tw*t, now step 3 anyway!
Today I prayed before EVERY phone call
every thing I did
and its all been agreed in one day
a miracle or what!?
So I am moving to the coast
house with 2 gardens
bedroom windows that I can leave open at night
doors that lead into garden
fields nearby
swans and ducks on the lakes close by
oh yeh
and the sea with sandy/pebble beach just a short walk
finalise my moving over my mortgage tomorrow
so not out of the water yet!
although nearly there...
Went to next physio apt after work
arm and shoulder movement improving
the excersizes she gave me are working
and following her suggestions
regarding what not to do!
and went and did chair at home group
I dunno
and this morning got to work on time
and there was a newcomer at mtg very 1st one!
and I got home and a cheque on mat
could life really get better?
The only things I havent got
are marriage and kids!
well at my age its possible
God I will try and leave this one
entirely in your hands!
if you want to give me that aswell
well whatever
:)
If I die in the night
make sure they know
I am VERY happy
I am 4 years 364days sober
and very grateful
good night
Mondays stuff
Alarm went off 5.30
I snoozed it, til 6.50
Then nearly gave up cos I now would be late
Err late for what?
Late for the meeting of course...
So theres no point in going is there
Can you see how my heads going?
Talking me out of antythung
Dragged myself out of bed at 6.15
Stressing I would be late
Feeling the same physical chest pains
Cant breathe properly
Whats this? Like a panic attack? I dunno?
I get this every day pretty much..
Week days
An now I am feeling it, just about going to a meeting
More about NOT getting to the meeting ate
See now I see how really sick I am!...
Afraid of being late for a meeting...
See last week
I realised that I have to change my attitude before anything will change
And I see that praying and willingness is just now enough
Doing the chair last week at the early meeting
It was effortless getting there
See I was giving, I had a purpose
That was not about money or ego
Over the weekend, I sat in meetings
Where I am looking to move to and realised that
Its time for me to take/receive again from our
Huge loving fellowship
Receive unconditionally
Friendship in the new area, stability
5 years sobriety... means nothing
On this portion of my life
I need help i a different way to early recovery
But the meetingas and fellowship
Will do for me what I cant do for myself
In the new area I am making friends already!!
And I haven’t even moved down yet!
This morning I got to the meeting about 7.45
Late! Yeh and then obsessed about whether I would get to work on time
See the dishonesty and fear... that drives me
Nowhere in my head di I say well done for getting there to myself!
Mtng finishes at 8.30 I went and got toast and was at my desk 8.45
15 mins early AGAIN...
AA and the meetings are there for me, its my turn to lean on it
I cant get to work on time
The meetings will helps me...
A Power greater than myself!
I snoozed it, til 6.50
Then nearly gave up cos I now would be late
Err late for what?
Late for the meeting of course...
So theres no point in going is there
Can you see how my heads going?
Talking me out of antythung
Dragged myself out of bed at 6.15
Stressing I would be late
Feeling the same physical chest pains
Cant breathe properly
Whats this? Like a panic attack? I dunno?
I get this every day pretty much..
Week days
An now I am feeling it, just about going to a meeting
More about NOT getting to the meeting ate
See now I see how really sick I am!...
Afraid of being late for a meeting...
See last week
I realised that I have to change my attitude before anything will change
And I see that praying and willingness is just now enough
Doing the chair last week at the early meeting
It was effortless getting there
See I was giving, I had a purpose
That was not about money or ego
Over the weekend, I sat in meetings
Where I am looking to move to and realised that
Its time for me to take/receive again from our
Huge loving fellowship
Receive unconditionally
Friendship in the new area, stability
5 years sobriety... means nothing
On this portion of my life
I need help i a different way to early recovery
But the meetingas and fellowship
Will do for me what I cant do for myself
In the new area I am making friends already!!
And I haven’t even moved down yet!
This morning I got to the meeting about 7.45
Late! Yeh and then obsessed about whether I would get to work on time
See the dishonesty and fear... that drives me
Nowhere in my head di I say well done for getting there to myself!
Mtng finishes at 8.30 I went and got toast and was at my desk 8.45
15 mins early AGAIN...
AA and the meetings are there for me, its my turn to lean on it
I cant get to work on time
The meetings will helps me...
A Power greater than myself!
Monday, August 18, 2008
money prestige and property - Tradition 6 reminds me - beware
The house I want
I have made an offer on
and its been rejected
the one I am selling
I am at accepting price
its all rather stress full
yee haaa
I now have to come up with
another offer
and see what happens
theres a combination of Tradition 6
happening ... which warns me to be ware
the stuff that not good for the fellowship
may also be harmful to me
Money - buying and selling price
attachment to what money I have
what I think my flat is worth
what they think their house is worth
what my buyer wants to pay and what
I want to pay
or more realistically
what I dont want to pay
what I dont want to part with!
Prestige - Ego
is rather stretched and shrunked
pounded a great deal today
negotiating
getting knocked back
waiting
yaaaaah
Property - or is it peace of mind
what exactly am I buying and selling?
security - peace of mind
mine and someone elses
Frikkin bizarre
I tell you I am grateful
for the fellowship
I have been to
5 meetings in the last 4 days
not through desperation
through doing the right thing
a chair and homegroup
2 in the new town I am glad for
to meet new people and to
get grounded in between viewings
and in some spare time
it grounds me
I have to listen to someone else
the truths... basic truths
and this morning
I leaned on the fellowship
to help me to get to work on time
and it worked
I will post about it tomorrow
i am off to bed!
see ya
I am knackered
mentally
back to my old home group tomorrow night
plan a meeting in the morning aswell
see what happens!
its weird I dont feel like
i need all these meetings
yet its happening that way
so I will run with it
perhaps if I wasnt doing them
I really would be ? nuts!
sometimes its ok to take
unconditional love
is about giving and being
able to receive aswell
I think!
I have made an offer on
and its been rejected
the one I am selling
I am at accepting price
its all rather stress full
yee haaa
I now have to come up with
another offer
and see what happens
theres a combination of Tradition 6
happening ... which warns me to be ware
the stuff that not good for the fellowship
may also be harmful to me
Money - buying and selling price
attachment to what money I have
what I think my flat is worth
what they think their house is worth
what my buyer wants to pay and what
I want to pay
or more realistically
what I dont want to pay
what I dont want to part with!
Prestige - Ego
is rather stretched and shrunked
pounded a great deal today
negotiating
getting knocked back
waiting
yaaaaah
Property - or is it peace of mind
what exactly am I buying and selling?
security - peace of mind
mine and someone elses
Frikkin bizarre
I tell you I am grateful
for the fellowship
I have been to
5 meetings in the last 4 days
not through desperation
through doing the right thing
a chair and homegroup
2 in the new town I am glad for
to meet new people and to
get grounded in between viewings
and in some spare time
it grounds me
I have to listen to someone else
the truths... basic truths
and this morning
I leaned on the fellowship
to help me to get to work on time
and it worked
I will post about it tomorrow
i am off to bed!
see ya
I am knackered
mentally
back to my old home group tomorrow night
plan a meeting in the morning aswell
see what happens!
its weird I dont feel like
i need all these meetings
yet its happening that way
so I will run with it
perhaps if I wasnt doing them
I really would be ? nuts!
sometimes its ok to take
unconditional love
is about giving and being
able to receive aswell
I think!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Flowers and Stuff
I have been retrainting my tongue
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them
Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...
yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience
anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem
ambition
But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now
doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!
and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away
yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care
just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up
no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful
I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..
God show me
Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them
Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...
yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience
anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem
ambition
But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now
doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!
and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away
yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care
just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up
no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful
I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..
God show me
Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
More 4th Dimension stuff...
Its really bizarre
we have a printer
and we have been getting emails
randomly from someones hotmail
someone on our floor
no idea what they look like
no work emails
only a random private email from hotmail
This happens about once a month
and only one comes
and obviously
its cause for chat and debate
again who it is and whether
they have sorted out their stuff
then we forget about it and her
for another month or so
chuck it in confidential waste etc
its not that important really
to any of us
yesterday we get a lead for some business
from someone from the newer part of the floor
its a one off and leads off the floor
dont come our way often
yeh,,, its her...
the unknown hotmail printerer
what the frick is going on!
why on our printer out of about 15?
and why do we get the lead
when there are about 20 others
who do the same thing
who it could have got given too?
spookey! in the 4th Dimension
we have a printer
and we have been getting emails
randomly from someones hotmail
someone on our floor
no idea what they look like
no work emails
only a random private email from hotmail
This happens about once a month
and only one comes
and obviously
its cause for chat and debate
again who it is and whether
they have sorted out their stuff
then we forget about it and her
for another month or so
chuck it in confidential waste etc
its not that important really
to any of us
yesterday we get a lead for some business
from someone from the newer part of the floor
its a one off and leads off the floor
dont come our way often
yeh,,, its her...
the unknown hotmail printerer
what the frick is going on!
why on our printer out of about 15?
and why do we get the lead
when there are about 20 others
who do the same thing
who it could have got given too?
spookey! in the 4th Dimension
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Change & no coincidences
I am changing
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change
Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time
whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe
God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change
Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time
whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe
God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Asking for help - Getting honest - Step 6
I have bounced again
you know bouncing along the bottom
not on drinking sober drinking sober
on this mornings and nights thing
not going to bed not getting up
staying up unnecessarily
kidding myself I am enjoying
really I am metal loafing
stying in bed til its too late
then beating myself up
because I didnt go to bed
and am knackered again
I have asked a few people I know
who do have regular bedtimes
and up times
what times they do it
seems normal people on a worknight
go to bed 10ish sleep by 10.30ish
and up 7am
seems a long time to be in bed to me!
but then what do I know
they have what I want... I dont!
Feels like I need to almost go back
to the treat me like a child
go to bed and lay down at the same time
each night even if I am not tired!
and no getting up no matter what!!
retraining for something that
seems a lifetime away
or that I have not had since ... ? age 5
I am sure my parents put me to bed
at reasonable times and regular
and got me up as a young child
however I did start living in hought and fantasy
from a young age
so going to bed at any time didnt stop the head
from thinking... til all hours
thinking takes up valuable sleeping time
anyway
I am really not happy with all this
I cannot say now I am afraid
to go to work
really not really
occasionaly
but more often than not
I am just not going to bed
or giving any thought
to the fact that I go to work
and have a time to be there
it just doesnt seem important
I have a flippant attitude
and am playing the poor me i cant get up card
to myself and others
and its not sitting right
I am self centred
selfish
self seeking
slothful
self will run riot
and very dishonest
in this area
its true
I once was sick
and neeeded tolerence
now I am getting patience and tolerence
and i am not even trying
Why am I staying up late?
am i productive?
Do I have anything even like real to show
like watching a tv programme
or engrossed in a good book?
no not really
mentally loafing
yeh I read spiritual books or whatever
and consider it good
but I dont go to bed and read
I see going to bed as a chore
and getting up and a chore
I have heard my thoughts go...
it'll be different
..when you move
..when you have a train to catch
.. when you are near the sea
.. when you are happier
BULL SHIT!!
Change has to starts now...
I am bored of being me in this area
I am bored to listening to myself
I dont want to be like this in 3.5 years
I dont want to be like this
Its not how I intended it to be
and yet it is
Time to take action
AGAIN
Step 6 - willing to give these tools
a honest attempt on another area of my life
do I mean business?
do I want to recover from this
behaviour that
affects me mentally physically and spiritually?
God help me... please
please give me willing ness
and the power to carry it out
you know bouncing along the bottom
not on drinking sober drinking sober
on this mornings and nights thing
not going to bed not getting up
staying up unnecessarily
kidding myself I am enjoying
really I am metal loafing
stying in bed til its too late
then beating myself up
because I didnt go to bed
and am knackered again
I have asked a few people I know
who do have regular bedtimes
and up times
what times they do it
seems normal people on a worknight
go to bed 10ish sleep by 10.30ish
and up 7am
seems a long time to be in bed to me!
but then what do I know
they have what I want... I dont!
Feels like I need to almost go back
to the treat me like a child
go to bed and lay down at the same time
each night even if I am not tired!
and no getting up no matter what!!
retraining for something that
seems a lifetime away
or that I have not had since ... ? age 5
I am sure my parents put me to bed
at reasonable times and regular
and got me up as a young child
however I did start living in hought and fantasy
from a young age
so going to bed at any time didnt stop the head
from thinking... til all hours
thinking takes up valuable sleeping time
anyway
I am really not happy with all this
I cannot say now I am afraid
to go to work
really not really
occasionaly
but more often than not
I am just not going to bed
or giving any thought
to the fact that I go to work
and have a time to be there
it just doesnt seem important
I have a flippant attitude
and am playing the poor me i cant get up card
to myself and others
and its not sitting right
I am self centred
selfish
self seeking
slothful
self will run riot
and very dishonest
in this area
its true
I once was sick
and neeeded tolerence
now I am getting patience and tolerence
and i am not even trying
Why am I staying up late?
am i productive?
Do I have anything even like real to show
like watching a tv programme
or engrossed in a good book?
no not really
mentally loafing
yeh I read spiritual books or whatever
and consider it good
but I dont go to bed and read
I see going to bed as a chore
and getting up and a chore
I have heard my thoughts go...
it'll be different
..when you move
..when you have a train to catch
.. when you are near the sea
.. when you are happier
BULL SHIT!!
Change has to starts now...
I am bored of being me in this area
I am bored to listening to myself
I dont want to be like this in 3.5 years
I dont want to be like this
Its not how I intended it to be
and yet it is
Time to take action
AGAIN
Step 6 - willing to give these tools
a honest attempt on another area of my life
do I mean business?
do I want to recover from this
behaviour that
affects me mentally physically and spiritually?
God help me... please
please give me willing ness
and the power to carry it out
Monday, August 04, 2008
Happy Birthday
Today I am 41 years old
Have fun and celebrate for me
any way which you wnat!!
Grateful to have made it into my 40's
Life really has begun!
:)
Have fun and celebrate for me
any way which you wnat!!
Grateful to have made it into my 40's
Life really has begun!
:)
Sunday, August 03, 2008
More fun... and sun - thank you God...
Was joking friday evening that
I had asked for sun
2.30 on saturday
as thats when I planned to meet up
with friends in the park
inspite of the wet forecast
I said yeh I had had a word
and it would be sunny
over St James Park
even if it wasnt everywhere else...
went home and asked for forgiveness
self righteousness is not cool!
anyway it rained most of saturday morning
and stopped around lunch
at exactly 2.30 the sun came out at home
I was running late...
I had no faith that it would be sunny in the park
it looked very dark over that way
but whatever ? contingency plans had been made
It rained on the way while I was on the train
it had stopped by the time I got off
and by the time I got to park
the sun was out
and drying up the rain
the band were playing in the park
people were out
and it just got warner and warmer...
was lovely seeing friends
and as usuall not enough time
went to cinema
and then pizza after
really fun time
Today I am really tired
and couldnt drag myself out to the gym
more jokes about my age and emails etc
Life good dudes
its rained all day here
lokks like I got my birthday present from God
yesterday, he gave me sunshine in the park
its the free stuff that I love
in the place I love
I am having far too much fun
I am grateful
pass me the stick!
Today I lerned to play this
Robbie Williams - Come undone Chords
I had asked for sun
2.30 on saturday
as thats when I planned to meet up
with friends in the park
inspite of the wet forecast
I said yeh I had had a word
and it would be sunny
over St James Park
even if it wasnt everywhere else...
went home and asked for forgiveness
self righteousness is not cool!
anyway it rained most of saturday morning
and stopped around lunch
at exactly 2.30 the sun came out at home
I was running late...
I had no faith that it would be sunny in the park
it looked very dark over that way
but whatever ? contingency plans had been made
It rained on the way while I was on the train
it had stopped by the time I got off
and by the time I got to park
the sun was out
and drying up the rain
the band were playing in the park
people were out
and it just got warner and warmer...
was lovely seeing friends
and as usuall not enough time
went to cinema
and then pizza after
really fun time
Today I am really tired
and couldnt drag myself out to the gym
more jokes about my age and emails etc
Life good dudes
its rained all day here
lokks like I got my birthday present from God
yesterday, he gave me sunshine in the park
its the free stuff that I love
in the place I love
I am having far too much fun
I am grateful
pass me the stick!
Today I lerned to play this
Robbie Williams - Come undone Chords
Saturday, August 02, 2008
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking ..... even plain ordinary whoopee parties. P101
You will note that we made and important qualification.
Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion,
“Have I any good social, business,
or personal reason for going to this place?
Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure
from the atmosphere of such places?”
If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension.
Go or stay away, whichever seems best.
But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground
before you start and that your motive in going
is thoroughly good.
do not think of what you will get out of the occasion.
Think of what you can bring to it.
But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead! Pages 101 & 102
Today I got a shared cake
and a card signed by a load of people
and some book vouchers...
frikkin awesome
book vouchers! a large sum of money!
a card was probably gonna happen, we do it..
but vouchers..
VERY unexpected, I am touched really
the other birthday person
was going out after work for a few drinks
and cos it was mine I was asked again...
yeh man this time I wanted to go
yesterdays stuff was forgotton by the person with the hump
I was going to go to home group
I was going to turn up later
I was going to go to the cafe after
I was... all these things I could
legitimately leave and do
which would have been ok with me
Just for today
I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
all the planets lined up
the company was really friendly
and I was happy around it ALL
when I said I was going
someone else asked me to wait for them
and then another did toooooo
Tonight I didnt feel I let my homegroup down
tonight I let them know
I would be late
communicated appropriately..
the meeting would go on without me
I had fun
I had friends offreing to help me
shop to furnish my house... I have no idea!
house hunt again
I am happy
I am part of in many areas
instead of apart from it all
I love the summer nights
I love that I got to walk back across London Bridge
and see the lights and buildings
and do a 360 degree turnaround see the sights
all lit up!!
I am repeating myself I know when I say it
I am so grateful even just for that view
I used to dream of this stuff
now I am living the dream!
First viewing on my flat in the morning!
i'll just tidy up, leave the agent to it
and see what happens!
Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion,
“Have I any good social, business,
or personal reason for going to this place?
Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure
from the atmosphere of such places?”
If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension.
Go or stay away, whichever seems best.
But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground
before you start and that your motive in going
is thoroughly good.
do not think of what you will get out of the occasion.
Think of what you can bring to it.
But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead! Pages 101 & 102
Today I got a shared cake
and a card signed by a load of people
and some book vouchers...
frikkin awesome
book vouchers! a large sum of money!
a card was probably gonna happen, we do it..
but vouchers..
VERY unexpected, I am touched really
the other birthday person
was going out after work for a few drinks
and cos it was mine I was asked again...
yeh man this time I wanted to go
yesterdays stuff was forgotton by the person with the hump
I was going to go to home group
I was going to turn up later
I was going to go to the cafe after
I was... all these things I could
legitimately leave and do
which would have been ok with me
Just for today
I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
all the planets lined up
the company was really friendly
and I was happy around it ALL
when I said I was going
someone else asked me to wait for them
and then another did toooooo
Tonight I didnt feel I let my homegroup down
tonight I let them know
I would be late
communicated appropriately..
the meeting would go on without me
I had fun
I had friends offreing to help me
shop to furnish my house... I have no idea!
house hunt again
I am happy
I am part of in many areas
instead of apart from it all
I love the summer nights
I love that I got to walk back across London Bridge
and see the lights and buildings
and do a 360 degree turnaround see the sights
all lit up!!
I am repeating myself I know when I say it
I am so grateful even just for that view
I used to dream of this stuff
now I am living the dream!
First viewing on my flat in the morning!
i'll just tidy up, leave the agent to it
and see what happens!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness.P132
I know praying works now
I do it
and it works
answers come
not in my time though
sometimes quickly
sometimes slowly
and if they dont...
well i'm not meant to know
Had a night out to go to
tonight
planned by colleagues
partly for my birthday
and partly for someone elses
last night
I decided I didnt want to go
yes a normal reaction...
head wants to run off and do its own thing
away from a
a potential joyful experience
and create another, run another show
self will run riot
prayed last night for the words to help me
"get out of it without appearing ungrateful
thoughtless, selfish and unsociable"
I was wanting a reasonable excuse
which would leave me with peace of mind
and them thinking "good" of me...
... no words came
this morning I was wondering how I could
not go, and maintain my peace of mind
... nothing came
I HONESTLY couldnt get out of this
yeh I could just NOT go
but I would have to live with myself
and I would know why..
I went to church this lunch
and prayed for my fear to be removed
prayed for patience and tolerence
prayed for my defects to be removed
and for victory over my difficulties
... what came was... go its only for 4 hours
and so what if they get you doing things
be of service, and sometimes that could
mean making a fool of yourself
or should that read taking part in something
funny and allowing yourself to be laughed at
as I will others who will also do it, possible
"belly dancing" haha! frick yeh
no you see why I didnt want to go!
I wouldnt have even done that drunk!
but you know I have done loads of stuff sober
that I wouldnt have done drunk
and you know what
who really gives a "toss"
its a laugh! SERVICE
let them have a harmless laugh at my expense
it dont feel victim like
it feels like taking part, being part of
with people who want to spend time with me
who aren't just out for a drink
eating and conversation... fun!
So we think cheerfulness and laughter
make for usefulness. 132
Anyway I digress
left the church convinced that I was ready
I had handed the whole thing over
I was ready to go and do what ever
10 minutes later
I arrived back to my desk...
someone said
did you get the email?
what email?
the one about tonight, its been cancelled!
what...
its been cancelled...
the person who had arranged it
got the complete hump
loads of people had suddenly dropped out
and it was cancelled...
she was really disappointed
that people just cahnged their minds
even though there was still
quite a few people up for it
she cancelled and lost it!
frik... scares me
I got what I thought I wanted
but actually I didnt need it
and I didnt know or think of the consequences
but I wont stop praying
what scared me most is that
whether praying had anything to do with this or NOT
if I had just not gone tonight...
made my dishonest excuses
(I had a very legitimate reason to be there)p101
( I feel in very fit spiritual condition)p101
(I had prayed)
(Mentally and physically I am well this week)
(H.A.L.T in tact, even been eating breakfast
..early in the morning)
staying away without HONEST motives
how thoughtless would that have been
she had made efforts and arranged extra stuff for us
gone out of her way to make it kinda special
and me I was just thinking of my self seeking self
like whether the guy at the gym I met
would be there if I went
and thinking that I am not that important
self self self
WRONG sometimes AT TIMES to some people I am
Went to the gym
guy not there...
hahahaha
peace of mind in tact
some dishonest guilt for the person with the hump
this too shall pass
a humble reminder - I too can be thoughtless
and God generally gives me what I need
a few lesson learned today
I do it
and it works
answers come
not in my time though
sometimes quickly
sometimes slowly
and if they dont...
well i'm not meant to know
Had a night out to go to
tonight
planned by colleagues
partly for my birthday
and partly for someone elses
last night
I decided I didnt want to go
yes a normal reaction...
head wants to run off and do its own thing
away from a
a potential joyful experience
and create another, run another show
self will run riot
prayed last night for the words to help me
"get out of it without appearing ungrateful
thoughtless, selfish and unsociable"
I was wanting a reasonable excuse
which would leave me with peace of mind
and them thinking "good" of me...
... no words came
this morning I was wondering how I could
not go, and maintain my peace of mind
... nothing came
I HONESTLY couldnt get out of this
yeh I could just NOT go
but I would have to live with myself
and I would know why..
I went to church this lunch
and prayed for my fear to be removed
prayed for patience and tolerence
prayed for my defects to be removed
and for victory over my difficulties
... what came was... go its only for 4 hours
and so what if they get you doing things
be of service, and sometimes that could
mean making a fool of yourself
or should that read taking part in something
funny and allowing yourself to be laughed at
as I will others who will also do it, possible
"belly dancing" haha! frick yeh
no you see why I didnt want to go!
I wouldnt have even done that drunk!
but you know I have done loads of stuff sober
that I wouldnt have done drunk
and you know what
who really gives a "toss"
its a laugh! SERVICE
let them have a harmless laugh at my expense
it dont feel victim like
it feels like taking part, being part of
with people who want to spend time with me
who aren't just out for a drink
eating and conversation... fun!
So we think cheerfulness and laughter
make for usefulness. 132
Anyway I digress
left the church convinced that I was ready
I had handed the whole thing over
I was ready to go and do what ever
10 minutes later
I arrived back to my desk...
someone said
did you get the email?
what email?
the one about tonight, its been cancelled!
what...
its been cancelled...
the person who had arranged it
got the complete hump
loads of people had suddenly dropped out
and it was cancelled...
she was really disappointed
that people just cahnged their minds
even though there was still
quite a few people up for it
she cancelled and lost it!
frik... scares me
I got what I thought I wanted
but actually I didnt need it
and I didnt know or think of the consequences
but I wont stop praying
what scared me most is that
whether praying had anything to do with this or NOT
if I had just not gone tonight...
made my dishonest excuses
(I had a very legitimate reason to be there)p101
( I feel in very fit spiritual condition)p101
(I had prayed)
(Mentally and physically I am well this week)
(H.A.L.T in tact, even been eating breakfast
..early in the morning)
staying away without HONEST motives
how thoughtless would that have been
she had made efforts and arranged extra stuff for us
gone out of her way to make it kinda special
and me I was just thinking of my self seeking self
like whether the guy at the gym I met
would be there if I went
and thinking that I am not that important
self self self
WRONG sometimes AT TIMES to some people I am
Went to the gym
guy not there...
hahahaha
peace of mind in tact
some dishonest guilt for the person with the hump
this too shall pass
a humble reminder - I too can be thoughtless
and God generally gives me what I need
a few lesson learned today
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable P59
Powerless over alcohol
I believe it NOW
This year I have experienced
a real turn in my "going out"
I have relaxed, enjoyed the company
I am with and really changed around
not being on edge around booze
yeh there are the moments
when I feel the
"Why dont you drink?
what not atall?"
and how quickly people forget
and ask again the next time
most people leave me alone
after a few minutes
its the peoples shocked attitude
rather than drink its self
but this last month or so since
study finished for the summer
I have had some good times
had fun
the vigilance ON GUARD
is replaced by a knowledge
and get on with whats in front of me
ie who am I with or what am I there for...
neither cocky nor are we afraid P85
A few weeks ago
I went out with the intention
of leaving the bar 6.30 and was still in there at 7.30
getting out took about 30 minutes...
I intended to go to the gym after
and ended missing a train and being very early for the next
and not MANAGING to get down the gym
this was a huge dent i my pride
how could I have let this stuff
interest me so much
self will was amazingly weakenedp92
these cocktails I have never tasted
have such a hold on me that
I wanted to stick around
I had no desire... or did I?
yeh I think I had a desire to taste these
interesting drinks
but no desire to get drunk
no desire to get out of it
but I didnt
I really had no idea
what was going on inside of the bar that night
or should I say inside my head
until this week
I have felt
restless, irritable and discontent Pxxvi Dr's Opinion
ever since and didnt kknow why
until now...
I felt manipulated and messed around
by drink and I didnt drink it
The problem centres in my mind P23
I thought its the smell
that sets the craving off in me
now I know its not the case
I have had no desire to drink
or taste a drink after I left the bar
its not the smell, I had plenty of smells that night
its the first drink
The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defense against the first drink p43
Or was it that I was having fun
and didnt actually want to leave
and go do the other thing
and it just didnt feel
acceptable to actually want to stay
in the bar because I was having a good time!?
perhaps next time I do not need to set
up the get out of jail card
reason to leave at a certain time..
leave it absolutely with God to tell me!
Why didnt I drink that night?
I was really relaxed
it was close to me
it looked harmless, colourful
I could smell it
and I wasnt really being anally vigilant
like I have been before
Good company
good venue
comfy chairs
and I was feeling good...
and the drinks looked fine
not dangerous atall
I have to say I was baffled
and its been on my mind
I didnt drink and
In my mind I deserved tooo
I mean enjoying myself in a bar!!
How dare I...
Obviously God has other plans
Obviously to me now
my defence came from a Higher Power P43
I was not in control that night
me nor any other human beingP43
I look back now and see
my mind was interested in the stuff
God had other ideas!
I feel blessed
Its scared the hell out of me
On Thursday I had one of those
How come I didnt get this before days
Spiritual Pride..
Its God that keeps me sober
not me, I mean not me really
I am powerless
God is all powerful p59
I feel grateful
Although I have spent
a while feeling ungrateful
for this battle going on in my head
trying to figure out whats happening
and why I felt so messed around...
We read Step 3 out of the big book last night
at my home group
I felt like the
"retired business man who lolls in the
Florida sunshine in the winter complaining
of the sad state of the nation" P59
I had been given Grace
grace to go to bars
an alcoholic going to bars and leaving sober
after having a good and great times??
and a legitimate reason to be there
and feeling in fit spiritual conditionp101
before i went in
and praying
before and during
hows that work then?
yeh I had been complaining
about the heaviness of it all..
but not seeing that
It works-it really doesp88
A drinking buddy said on Thursday
after he looking at me drinking coke
whilst he sipped at his vodka and coke
or was it the 3rd round to my one
"I admire you..."
I stayed for ages
and knew when it was time to leave
and left...
Bizarre this mind stuff
the mind is a dangerous place!
God I offer myself to thee
to build with me as thou wilt
releieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of life
may I do thy will always P63
Forgive me for not asking you
everyday for a sober day
It doesnt mean that I dont want it
I love the life you are giving me
even though my mind tells me
lots of rubbish
which I still at times have trouble not listening to
I beleive in you
This week I see you have the Power
I really can let go absolutely! p58
I am told this is growth
its all progress..
I believe it NOW
This year I have experienced
a real turn in my "going out"
I have relaxed, enjoyed the company
I am with and really changed around
not being on edge around booze
yeh there are the moments
when I feel the
"Why dont you drink?
what not atall?"
and how quickly people forget
and ask again the next time
most people leave me alone
after a few minutes
its the peoples shocked attitude
rather than drink its self
but this last month or so since
study finished for the summer
I have had some good times
had fun
the vigilance ON GUARD
is replaced by a knowledge
and get on with whats in front of me
ie who am I with or what am I there for...
neither cocky nor are we afraid P85
A few weeks ago
I went out with the intention
of leaving the bar 6.30 and was still in there at 7.30
getting out took about 30 minutes...
I intended to go to the gym after
and ended missing a train and being very early for the next
and not MANAGING to get down the gym
this was a huge dent i my pride
how could I have let this stuff
interest me so much
self will was amazingly weakenedp92
these cocktails I have never tasted
have such a hold on me that
I wanted to stick around
I had no desire... or did I?
yeh I think I had a desire to taste these
interesting drinks
but no desire to get drunk
no desire to get out of it
but I didnt
I really had no idea
what was going on inside of the bar that night
or should I say inside my head
until this week
I have felt
restless, irritable and discontent Pxxvi Dr's Opinion
ever since and didnt kknow why
until now...
I felt manipulated and messed around
by drink and I didnt drink it
The problem centres in my mind P23
I thought its the smell
that sets the craving off in me
now I know its not the case
I have had no desire to drink
or taste a drink after I left the bar
its not the smell, I had plenty of smells that night
its the first drink
The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defense against the first drink p43
Or was it that I was having fun
and didnt actually want to leave
and go do the other thing
and it just didnt feel
acceptable to actually want to stay
in the bar because I was having a good time!?
perhaps next time I do not need to set
up the get out of jail card
reason to leave at a certain time..
leave it absolutely with God to tell me!
Why didnt I drink that night?
I was really relaxed
it was close to me
it looked harmless, colourful
I could smell it
and I wasnt really being anally vigilant
like I have been before
Good company
good venue
comfy chairs
and I was feeling good...
and the drinks looked fine
not dangerous atall
I have to say I was baffled
and its been on my mind
I didnt drink and
In my mind I deserved tooo
I mean enjoying myself in a bar!!
How dare I...
Obviously God has other plans
Obviously to me now
my defence came from a Higher Power P43
I was not in control that night
me nor any other human beingP43
I look back now and see
my mind was interested in the stuff
God had other ideas!
I feel blessed
Its scared the hell out of me
On Thursday I had one of those
How come I didnt get this before days
Spiritual Pride..
Its God that keeps me sober
not me, I mean not me really
I am powerless
God is all powerful p59
I feel grateful
Although I have spent
a while feeling ungrateful
for this battle going on in my head
trying to figure out whats happening
and why I felt so messed around...
We read Step 3 out of the big book last night
at my home group
I felt like the
"retired business man who lolls in the
Florida sunshine in the winter complaining
of the sad state of the nation" P59
I had been given Grace
grace to go to bars
an alcoholic going to bars and leaving sober
after having a good and great times??
and a legitimate reason to be there
and feeling in fit spiritual conditionp101
before i went in
and praying
before and during
hows that work then?
yeh I had been complaining
about the heaviness of it all..
but not seeing that
It works-it really doesp88
A drinking buddy said on Thursday
after he looking at me drinking coke
whilst he sipped at his vodka and coke
or was it the 3rd round to my one
"I admire you..."
I stayed for ages
and knew when it was time to leave
and left...
Bizarre this mind stuff
the mind is a dangerous place!
God I offer myself to thee
to build with me as thou wilt
releieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of life
may I do thy will always P63
Forgive me for not asking you
everyday for a sober day
It doesnt mean that I dont want it
I love the life you are giving me
even though my mind tells me
lots of rubbish
which I still at times have trouble not listening to
I beleive in you
This week I see you have the Power
I really can let go absolutely! p58
I am told this is growth
its all progress..
Monday, July 21, 2008
Just when i began to get broody a few weeks ago...
I came across this!? Stuff they dont teach
you in biology at school...
Helen Austin - Childbirth Song
More Helen Austin
and more Helen Austin
a watermelon's pretty big right!?
God I love ya!
Enjoy...
you in biology at school...
Helen Austin - Childbirth Song
More Helen Austin
and more Helen Austin
a watermelon's pretty big right!?
God I love ya!
Enjoy...
Sunday, July 20, 2008
HIV "a living death" is not just a Gay or African problem
I was watching Charlie Wilsons War tonight
which I found really
interesting, informative and entertaining
a snap shot into
world politics and stuff
red tape and well how it !? works
Here's more on it
and this UNICEF clip was at the start
it made me think...
about education
is prevention cheaper than "cure/treatment"?
taking of responsibility
take care
take responsibility
because the other person may not have
They have a new attitude,
and they have been saved from a living death.P150
Condoms save lives
as does self restraint
I also wonder whether we are
really meant to stop all this
is it possible?
like is touched on in the film above
on another subject
we find some problem, go in and "fix" it
but what happens next?
what happens for the next 100 years?
will we ever really know what Gods Will is?
whose to say Gods will is to prevent or to cure?
in a world of imperfect humans like me
who have good intentions
and at times fall short
the consequences can be GLOBAL
we can only try and keep our side of the street clean
and help others
Narrated by Gwyneth Paltrow, The Gift is a dramatisation of a new poem by Simon Armitage, to highlight UNICEF UK's Born Free from HIV campaign.
Almost every minute of every day, a baby is born with HIV, passed on by their mother. This is because only one in five mothers with HIV receive the right medicine and care to prevent passing on the virus to their babies.
But it doesn't have to be like this. There is an effective treatment, costing less than £1, which can prevent a mother passing HIV to her baby. With the right medicine and care, more than 98 per cent of mothers with HIV do not pass the virus to their baby.
With your help, the Born Free from HIV campaign aims to ensure that all mothers with HIV receive this medicine and care. We want world leaders to keep their promise, made at the G8 Summit in 2007, to ensure that all babies are born free from HIV.
To find out more, visit:
www.unicef.org.uk/youthvoice and www.unicef.org.uk/thegift.
which I found really
interesting, informative and entertaining
a snap shot into
world politics and stuff
red tape and well how it !? works
Here's more on it
and this UNICEF clip was at the start
it made me think...
about education
is prevention cheaper than "cure/treatment"?
taking of responsibility
take care
take responsibility
because the other person may not have
They have a new attitude,
and they have been saved from a living death.P150
Condoms save lives
as does self restraint
I also wonder whether we are
really meant to stop all this
is it possible?
like is touched on in the film above
on another subject
we find some problem, go in and "fix" it
but what happens next?
what happens for the next 100 years?
will we ever really know what Gods Will is?
whose to say Gods will is to prevent or to cure?
in a world of imperfect humans like me
who have good intentions
and at times fall short
the consequences can be GLOBAL
we can only try and keep our side of the street clean
and help others
Narrated by Gwyneth Paltrow, The Gift is a dramatisation of a new poem by Simon Armitage, to highlight UNICEF UK's Born Free from HIV campaign.
Almost every minute of every day, a baby is born with HIV, passed on by their mother. This is because only one in five mothers with HIV receive the right medicine and care to prevent passing on the virus to their babies.
But it doesn't have to be like this. There is an effective treatment, costing less than £1, which can prevent a mother passing HIV to her baby. With the right medicine and care, more than 98 per cent of mothers with HIV do not pass the virus to their baby.
With your help, the Born Free from HIV campaign aims to ensure that all mothers with HIV receive this medicine and care. We want world leaders to keep their promise, made at the G8 Summit in 2007, to ensure that all babies are born free from HIV.
To find out more, visit:
www.unicef.org.uk/youthvoice and www.unicef.org.uk/thegift.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Slow down your moving too fast...
I went to yoga last night
we are working on my
scapula and rotatacuff muscles...
physical pain is really boring
and BORING!
Did a "chair" tonight at a meeting
that used to be my home group
such a wide range of sobriety lengths
It was good to go and see
some old and new faces
remember how it was
that church helds many weekly meeting
that kept me coming back over and over
I am grateful
re moving
Looking at more options
interesting stuff!
re work
cross training and revisiting
stuff which will help me in my role as suppport
inprove the support i give
in this instance
knowledge = improved confidence
also helping others learn to study
whilst trying not to teach!
re spiritual fitness
praying, inventory, newcomers, meetings
prison service, telephone service, intergroup
re physical fitness
yoga and possibly badminton this weekend
gym i am struggling with... at the moment
re mental fitness
eating irregularly
attempting sleep not really trying hard
not suprisingly got angry this week
not suprisingly I got a little lonely
re step 11
Praying
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle.P66
Reading Philip Yancy
The Jesus I never knew
its funny and showing me "the jesus story"
from an angle I find interesting
exactly what it was like for
an unmarried teenage mother
bringing up a baby
2008 years ago
because she was told by an angel
it was Gods will
and convincing people she isnt mental
that she bore God in the flesh
AND she survived
and He survived... how the heck?
yeh I am hooked!
Wikipedia P.Y
More Step 11
Listened to Ajahn Amoro - Ah So
interesting stuff
prompted me to be mindful
that if I am critical, negative, sarcastic, jokey
my words/manner may break others into
a million pieces... unintentionally.
I do start and break into a million pieces
especially when I am critical or judgemental
of myself... and fearful of others
fear and pride
or whether I THINK i am going to be critisised
the anticipation of it coming starts a process off
which requires healing whether
the negativity arrives or not
having fun
and thinking about my birthday month
feeling gratful
I have been given dignity
and a REAL sense of humour
and purpose
I dislike and I am disliked
I am neutral
I love and I am loved
see where I need to work on this week?
H.A.L.T
and Paying attention
to whats going on in the present moment
Slowing down...
have a great friday
Life I love you
All is groooooovy
Feelin' Groovy Simon & Garfunkel
see i'm sure this song wasn't sung as SLOWLY as this!?
is it me or what??
we are working on my
scapula and rotatacuff muscles...
physical pain is really boring
and BORING!
Did a "chair" tonight at a meeting
that used to be my home group
such a wide range of sobriety lengths
It was good to go and see
some old and new faces
remember how it was
that church helds many weekly meeting
that kept me coming back over and over
I am grateful
re moving
Looking at more options
interesting stuff!
re work
cross training and revisiting
stuff which will help me in my role as suppport
inprove the support i give
in this instance
knowledge = improved confidence
also helping others learn to study
whilst trying not to teach!
re spiritual fitness
praying, inventory, newcomers, meetings
prison service, telephone service, intergroup
re physical fitness
yoga and possibly badminton this weekend
gym i am struggling with... at the moment
re mental fitness
eating irregularly
attempting sleep not really trying hard
not suprisingly got angry this week
not suprisingly I got a little lonely
re step 11
Praying
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle.P66
Reading Philip Yancy
The Jesus I never knew
its funny and showing me "the jesus story"
from an angle I find interesting
exactly what it was like for
an unmarried teenage mother
bringing up a baby
2008 years ago
because she was told by an angel
it was Gods will
and convincing people she isnt mental
that she bore God in the flesh
AND she survived
and He survived... how the heck?
yeh I am hooked!
Wikipedia P.Y
More Step 11
Listened to Ajahn Amoro - Ah So
interesting stuff
prompted me to be mindful
that if I am critical, negative, sarcastic, jokey
my words/manner may break others into
a million pieces... unintentionally.
I do start and break into a million pieces
especially when I am critical or judgemental
of myself... and fearful of others
fear and pride
or whether I THINK i am going to be critisised
the anticipation of it coming starts a process off
which requires healing whether
the negativity arrives or not
having fun
and thinking about my birthday month
feeling gratful
I have been given dignity
and a REAL sense of humour
and purpose
I dislike and I am disliked
I am neutral
I love and I am loved
see where I need to work on this week?
H.A.L.T
and Paying attention
to whats going on in the present moment
Slowing down...
have a great friday
Life I love you
All is groooooovy
Feelin' Groovy Simon & Garfunkel
see i'm sure this song wasn't sung as SLOWLY as this!?
is it me or what??
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sleep as you can not as you can't
I wondered why I was sleeping and sleepy
what seemed like the whole weekend
I forgot that I had been out everynight
doing fitness or AA or other
and obviously thought that
I SHOULD be up and about continuously
at the weekend to
Out til nearly midnight Friday
Prison service Saturday afternoon
and out a while Sunday at Church
I have to remember that
this is more than many do...
and its healthy stuff aswell
Sleep is essential
as is regular eating
I am trying to ensure
I keep a balance on both
I spent much of the weekend
praying for guidance
His will, His words, His direction
and listening to those
who have what want
following suggestions
and taking small steps
in doing what they do
or did at the beginning of their path
listening and doing
instead of thinking and figuring
much like early recovery
although its not about alcohol
its about improving my faith
imptoving my conscious contact
spiritual growth
willingness
and openness
I feel apprehensive
rather than afraid
expectant
though not grasping
blinking open eyed in anticipation
not sideways skeptical glancing
All is ok and right sized
Everything is exactly as it should be
Just incase you are interested
here's the sermon from last night
How to read the bible - Nicky Lee
How?
not rocket science, basically
like it was suggested I read the "AA big book"
daily
from the beginning
a few pages
at a time that suits me
there's other stuff in there
Nicky suggested we read it like
a dog loves a bone
eating it with pleasure
putting it down, burying at times
then digging it up, and reading it again
with greater enjoyment
accepting that not always will be want to read
AND THATS OK
but picking it up again as soon as we are ready
accepting that not everything will make sense
at the time
and not every bit will be interesting
he's talking about the bible
but same principle I learned in AA
it works ...
discipline is not a punishment
its an asset
he found reading with someone else newer to the bible
than him helpful
he learned as the other learned
Does this remind you of sponsorship
Reading the Big Book with a sponsor
They say the sponsor gets more than the sponsee
It obviously works in other areas
SERVICE - pass on eveything you have been given
EVERYTHING
In my experience, the more I do this
the more I feel at peace
Secrets, ie holding onto skills etc
has made me unhappy in the passed
training someone at work
passing on ideas that have worked in the past
ALWAYS brings about a sense of Good
even if the ideas are "rejected"
don't stop with the suggestions
unless the person asks you too
there's a difference between advice
and suggestions
and a big difference between
passing on experience and theory!
ok thats me done
I'm off to a step 1 meeting
see ya :)
what seemed like the whole weekend
I forgot that I had been out everynight
doing fitness or AA or other
and obviously thought that
I SHOULD be up and about continuously
at the weekend to
Out til nearly midnight Friday
Prison service Saturday afternoon
and out a while Sunday at Church
I have to remember that
this is more than many do...
and its healthy stuff aswell
Sleep is essential
as is regular eating
I am trying to ensure
I keep a balance on both
I spent much of the weekend
praying for guidance
His will, His words, His direction
and listening to those
who have what want
following suggestions
and taking small steps
in doing what they do
or did at the beginning of their path
listening and doing
instead of thinking and figuring
much like early recovery
although its not about alcohol
its about improving my faith
imptoving my conscious contact
spiritual growth
willingness
and openness
I feel apprehensive
rather than afraid
expectant
though not grasping
blinking open eyed in anticipation
not sideways skeptical glancing
All is ok and right sized
Everything is exactly as it should be
Just incase you are interested
here's the sermon from last night
How to read the bible - Nicky Lee
How?
not rocket science, basically
like it was suggested I read the "AA big book"
daily
from the beginning
a few pages
at a time that suits me
there's other stuff in there
Nicky suggested we read it like
a dog loves a bone
eating it with pleasure
putting it down, burying at times
then digging it up, and reading it again
with greater enjoyment
accepting that not always will be want to read
AND THATS OK
but picking it up again as soon as we are ready
accepting that not everything will make sense
at the time
and not every bit will be interesting
he's talking about the bible
but same principle I learned in AA
it works ...
discipline is not a punishment
its an asset
he found reading with someone else newer to the bible
than him helpful
he learned as the other learned
Does this remind you of sponsorship
Reading the Big Book with a sponsor
They say the sponsor gets more than the sponsee
It obviously works in other areas
SERVICE - pass on eveything you have been given
EVERYTHING
In my experience, the more I do this
the more I feel at peace
Secrets, ie holding onto skills etc
has made me unhappy in the passed
training someone at work
passing on ideas that have worked in the past
ALWAYS brings about a sense of Good
even if the ideas are "rejected"
don't stop with the suggestions
unless the person asks you too
there's a difference between advice
and suggestions
and a big difference between
passing on experience and theory!
ok thats me done
I'm off to a step 1 meeting
see ya :)
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Is God a Delusion - 3 talks By Nicky Gumbel
by Nicky Gumbel
Anglican Vicar at Holy Trinity Brompton
spent some time reading books by Atheists
and here's his response
in 3 talks
Is God a Delusion? Has Science disproved God?
Is God A delusion? does religeon do more harm than good?
Is God a Delusion? Faith is Irrational
Interesting stuff!
I am reading
Converstions with God (Book 2)
Had a interesting conversation
today and realised other peoples
perception of an area of my life
hadn't moved on or changed
even though I have!!
or am at least open too
bizarre but this enlightenment
may explain
a few seemingly dead ends
I have encountered
recently
hmmm
the prison I did service at today
has regular communion services
with wine and bread and no option
for grape juice...
one member said he currently spends the evening
prior to communion worrying about
communion and hours/days after
feeling troubled cos he didnt drink the wine
this AA member has written to the Methodists
to ask them to come in
and do communion as methodists
do not use alcohol
hows that for Anylengths & Into Action!!
Pray if you will
for Stuart and Linda
I don't know them either
but I've been asked to by a friend who does
God please help them find love and peace
and hold them at this moment
Anglican Vicar at Holy Trinity Brompton
spent some time reading books by Atheists
and here's his response
in 3 talks
Is God a Delusion? Has Science disproved God?
Is God A delusion? does religeon do more harm than good?
Is God a Delusion? Faith is Irrational
Interesting stuff!
I am reading
Converstions with God (Book 2)
Had a interesting conversation
today and realised other peoples
perception of an area of my life
hadn't moved on or changed
even though I have!!
or am at least open too
bizarre but this enlightenment
may explain
a few seemingly dead ends
I have encountered
recently
hmmm
the prison I did service at today
has regular communion services
with wine and bread and no option
for grape juice...
one member said he currently spends the evening
prior to communion worrying about
communion and hours/days after
feeling troubled cos he didnt drink the wine
this AA member has written to the Methodists
to ask them to come in
and do communion as methodists
do not use alcohol
hows that for Anylengths & Into Action!!
Pray if you will
for Stuart and Linda
I don't know them either
but I've been asked to by a friend who does
God please help them find love and peace
and hold them at this moment
Friday, July 11, 2008
Pray
I am in the eye (of a storm)
grace?
a window of opportunity?
I am praying
asking questions
and the answers are coming thick and fast
all feels weird
weird = first adjective
thought when I am in the unfamiliar
especially around religion when it
feels ok...
I am struggling to speak
whats going on right now
I am wanting to watch it unfold
rather than talk it out
its Me and God
and it feels alright
Talked to a minister today
10 mins in a church near work
I needed quiet time
and found it
he popped up haha
Questions are being answered
not by people
just by people actions.. thoughts... signposts
the Universe
and its giving me faith to move forward
yes its forward in this area
another is closing up at the moment
the house move is slowing down
exploring other ideas
its not happening with ease at the moment
so I am not forcing it
12 months I gave the process as time
to be prepared for, an ideal
and so I must remember not to act
in hurry and indecision..
I spent much of today
thinking and saying I DONT KNOW
in relation to what I would like
for the short term future
its the truth
nothing I came up with
sounded solid!
Therefor I am not to make any decisions
explore all I like
but no life changing decisions
I am still in my first year (technically) haha
at uni, early study...
so I choose to consider applying
the principle/suggestion of
no life changing decisions
until after the first year of continuous sobriety
or after step 9
A very sensible and very important
principle for me to remember, it worked!
very few self created disctractions
in early recovery was such a lifesaver
see I can interpret or practice these
principles how I choose really
step 9 likened to study module 9?
so until after study module? 9 which
bizarrely would be this time next year
no life changing decisions!
could be an absurd idea? p87
of course it could
but by listening
its slowed me up
and given me another angle to look at this!
more news as it happens
I'm happier today and feeling stable and in the herd
no animal puns intended
Not in control
Being guided
step by step
Prison service tomorrow :)
grace?
a window of opportunity?
I am praying
asking questions
and the answers are coming thick and fast
all feels weird
weird = first adjective
thought when I am in the unfamiliar
especially around religion when it
feels ok...
I am struggling to speak
whats going on right now
I am wanting to watch it unfold
rather than talk it out
its Me and God
and it feels alright
Talked to a minister today
10 mins in a church near work
I needed quiet time
and found it
he popped up haha
Questions are being answered
not by people
just by people actions.. thoughts... signposts
the Universe
and its giving me faith to move forward
yes its forward in this area
another is closing up at the moment
the house move is slowing down
exploring other ideas
its not happening with ease at the moment
so I am not forcing it
12 months I gave the process as time
to be prepared for, an ideal
and so I must remember not to act
in hurry and indecision..
I spent much of today
thinking and saying I DONT KNOW
in relation to what I would like
for the short term future
its the truth
nothing I came up with
sounded solid!
Therefor I am not to make any decisions
explore all I like
but no life changing decisions
I am still in my first year (technically) haha
at uni, early study...
so I choose to consider applying
the principle/suggestion of
no life changing decisions
until after the first year of continuous sobriety
or after step 9
A very sensible and very important
principle for me to remember, it worked!
very few self created disctractions
in early recovery was such a lifesaver
see I can interpret or practice these
principles how I choose really
step 9 likened to study module 9?
so until after study module? 9 which
bizarrely would be this time next year
no life changing decisions!
could be an absurd idea? p87
of course it could
but by listening
its slowed me up
and given me another angle to look at this!
more news as it happens
I'm happier today and feeling stable and in the herd
no animal puns intended
Not in control
Being guided
step by step
Prison service tomorrow :)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Faith - Growth - Keep walking even when I cant see - God can - Blind faith
The Flow
Everything that comes to us, comes to pass or, more accurately, for us to pass on. Not just the money in our pocket, but wisdom, objects, ideas, even opportunities, all come to us, so that, at the right moment, we can pass them on. This is called flow. Being in the flow means being aware that the river of life is flowing to us at every moment. Being in the flow means accepting whatever comes and putting it to good use, before passing it on. Going with the flow means allowing whatever comes to move on freely, without holding on to it in any way.
Inner Space Thought for today
I am crying again
Accepting I am changing
being changed
by what I do
I can't go back
I don't know whats forward
well thats not true
Letting go
Seeing there is another way
even when I cant see
who says I am going forward?
who says I am going backwards?
only me...
old ideas
the only direction I am growing
is towards God
and for that I am willing
to move in whatever direction
He suggests
Changing and being changed
If I live the serenity prayer
the step 3 and 7 prayer
this will naturally happen
Once again I am looking at step 11
once again I see further growth
and my current whatever it is
is not working
what I want to do
I want to run from
what I think I dont understand
yet it makes perfect sense
to do it to me
yet completely against the grain
of MOST of those outside of AA
I know would go
yet I feel I will be moving towards
those who make me feel comfortable
Once again
I am drawn to spending the week
camping with a bunch of Christians
even though I am not one
I really enjoy the company, teachings
and music of many of those who are
with direction, a sense of fun
and very imperfect like me!
Again its just the Jesus
handing my will over to a person
feels like old behaviour
seems finite, restricting
God what did they do before he was born?
I read (probably not word perfect from
Conversations ith God part 2)
that religeon is for people
who look to be told what to do
and spirituality for those who
look to find out for themselves...
ok, so whats not spiritual about
finding out what its like to be a christian
for myself?
I wouldnt have known and found out
without being shown, invited and taken places
at times it has felt exclusive rather than inclusive
but at the end of the day
everything I have experienced has been alright
at times amazing and at times seemingly.. boring
but never a waste of time and always making sense
encouraging, always seem to have time
sharing experiences, open fellowship
willing to be honest about them selves
prideless at times
without desperation
with humility
other directions suggested
I have not had that experience
doors remained closed
closed
? for the moment
really not sure
God you know
I am in this
and I dont really want to step out
yet I have to
nothing is making sense at the moment
I am not even sure my own
experiences I just wrote
are what I experienced
Nothings actually wrong
yet I don't feel quite right
so I must go with the flow
breathe in and out
let in and let out
Let go and let God
Its alright, its alright
ITS ALL RIGHT
She moves in Mysterious ways
She sees the woman inside this child
One day you will look back
And you'll see
Where you were held
How? By this love
While you could stand there
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling
Go with the Flow
Stop thinking and just do
There's more...
areas of my life I have just
addressed rather like in the manner
of my previous post
I see whats not moved on, changed
I see whats changed
and I see where theres a need
for change
and a need to stop and leave be
already
crying is good :)
I've stopped now
essential
healthy
and healing
and clearing a blockage
channel
Everything that comes to us, comes to pass or, more accurately, for us to pass on. Not just the money in our pocket, but wisdom, objects, ideas, even opportunities, all come to us, so that, at the right moment, we can pass them on. This is called flow. Being in the flow means being aware that the river of life is flowing to us at every moment. Being in the flow means accepting whatever comes and putting it to good use, before passing it on. Going with the flow means allowing whatever comes to move on freely, without holding on to it in any way.
Inner Space Thought for today
I am crying again
Accepting I am changing
being changed
by what I do
I can't go back
I don't know whats forward
well thats not true
Letting go
Seeing there is another way
even when I cant see
who says I am going forward?
who says I am going backwards?
only me...
old ideas
the only direction I am growing
is towards God
and for that I am willing
to move in whatever direction
He suggests
Changing and being changed
If I live the serenity prayer
the step 3 and 7 prayer
this will naturally happen
Once again I am looking at step 11
once again I see further growth
and my current whatever it is
is not working
what I want to do
I want to run from
what I think I dont understand
yet it makes perfect sense
to do it to me
yet completely against the grain
of MOST of those outside of AA
I know would go
yet I feel I will be moving towards
those who make me feel comfortable
Once again
I am drawn to spending the week
camping with a bunch of Christians
even though I am not one
I really enjoy the company, teachings
and music of many of those who are
with direction, a sense of fun
and very imperfect like me!
Again its just the Jesus
handing my will over to a person
feels like old behaviour
seems finite, restricting
God what did they do before he was born?
I read (probably not word perfect from
Conversations ith God part 2)
that religeon is for people
who look to be told what to do
and spirituality for those who
look to find out for themselves...
ok, so whats not spiritual about
finding out what its like to be a christian
for myself?
I wouldnt have known and found out
without being shown, invited and taken places
at times it has felt exclusive rather than inclusive
but at the end of the day
everything I have experienced has been alright
at times amazing and at times seemingly.. boring
but never a waste of time and always making sense
encouraging, always seem to have time
sharing experiences, open fellowship
willing to be honest about them selves
prideless at times
without desperation
with humility
other directions suggested
I have not had that experience
doors remained closed
closed
? for the moment
really not sure
God you know
I am in this
and I dont really want to step out
yet I have to
nothing is making sense at the moment
I am not even sure my own
experiences I just wrote
are what I experienced
Nothings actually wrong
yet I don't feel quite right
so I must go with the flow
breathe in and out
let in and let out
Let go and let God
Its alright, its alright
ITS ALL RIGHT
She moves in Mysterious ways
She sees the woman inside this child
One day you will look back
And you'll see
Where you were held
How? By this love
While you could stand there
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling
Go with the Flow
Stop thinking and just do
There's more...
areas of my life I have just
addressed rather like in the manner
of my previous post
I see whats not moved on, changed
I see whats changed
and I see where theres a need
for change
and a need to stop and leave be
already
crying is good :)
I've stopped now
essential
healthy
and healing
and clearing a blockage
channel
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Step 1 - in all our affairs! on alcohol... its just the beginning
Step 1
It took a while to accept
Powerlessness
I understood it more in
other people's alcohol relapses
than in my own drinking career
yet I couldnt understand why they just "didn't" stay away
from that 1st drink
Like I did...
I couldn't see that the time span
between my 1st AA meeting and my last drink
about 13 years...
alcohol beat me into submission
a state of reasonableness
or was it complete defeat
from which reasonableness came later
Powerless over how you think, feel, speak
whether the bus arrives when I want it
whether it rains for a picnic
whether I will be alive at the end of today
Really I am not 100% in control of any of that
am I?
No
I cannot guarantee that I drink one, I wont have another
I always believed that even though I lost my dignity over and over
by the next day I had forgotton and would do it again
I always believed it would be different next time
I cant
And our lives have become unmanageable ?
again I could see how your lives
were a nightmare, you were on drugs
for gods sake, couldnt control
your sex addictions, gambling habit
shopping addictions, were angry all the time
shouted at managers and old ladies
an were up to your eyeballs in debt
me, I was just a mess
but not like you!!!!!!!!!!
see I had a job and paid my mortgage
and bills so I wast that bad huh?
perhaps I was not such an alcoholic
afterall...
Incorrect
I am an alcoholic
All the while I was drinking
I couldnt manage to control my spending
I couldnt manage a monogamous relationship
I couldnt manage to tell the truth
I couldnt manage an honest days work
I couldnt manage to maintain personal hygene
I couldnt manage to have a conversation
(for more than 5 minutes)
I couldnt manage to maintain friendships
I couldnt manage to send my family cards on birthdays etc
I couldnt manage to feed myself
I couldnt manage to maintain anything
I couldnt manage my confidence
I couldnt manage to have pastimes
I couldnt manage to tolerate religeon
I couldnt manage to tolerate the word God
I couldnt manage to smile on a regular basis
I couldnt manage to trust
I couldnt manage to drink...like a lady
I couldnt rely on myself in any area
Unmanagable
hanging in there!
Existing not living
survival and enduring
cutting corners
getting away with
waiting for the day to end
Stopping drinking is just the beginning
highlighting these and more
AREAS in step 1
showed me I am not doing very well huh!
Whenever nowadays ANYTHING troubles me
anything I cant do
anything I consider a "problem"
situation, something I am not comfortable with
I refer back to the principle in step 1
Identify the problem I have
Tell the truth
HONESTY
Look at what I have done to resolve it
and what was the result?
If its "misery, frustration, baffled, beaten" even
then I need to ask for help
turn to a power greater
Look for the solution...
THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION
whether I can see that and believe it
in relation to my current problem
depends on my openness and relationship
my FAITH and WILLINGNESS
And how arrogant and full of pride
and how log I have left the problem
trying to
not address it
or believe at somepoint it will
resolve itself or go away
thankfully most days
thesedays
I dont get to
"misery, frustration, baffled, beaten"
often self willed irritation
that I have to admit I need help
yet only this week
I had one
in relation to this "going for coffee"
and thought I was never going to be able
to speak it out...
but I have and its ok
and I am normal... it seems
and its no big deal
see I know that I am not special and different
I just have trouble believing it sometimes
step 2 is such a Good news step
and a relief to move onto
however
Step 1 I revisit everytime something
troubles me or you infact!
whether it be a resentment
me
you
it
God
anything
Step 1... whats your problem?
I can't.... what?
I won't .... do what?
I don't think I can .... do what?
Its not right ... what isn't?
It shouldnt be like this .... what?
I am afraid ... of what ?
I hate it... what?
Telling the truth... is Step 1
admitting and accepting
I can't
is Step 1
At the beginning
its about alcohol
later with PRACTICE
its not such a big deal
to recognise and take
an honest look at THE PROBLEM
whatever it is
and accepting that on some things
no amount of self will and determination
and self and other knowledge
will make this problem go away
Good news... as always
THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION
Step 2
It took a while to accept
Powerlessness
I understood it more in
other people's alcohol relapses
than in my own drinking career
yet I couldnt understand why they just "didn't" stay away
from that 1st drink
Like I did...
I couldn't see that the time span
between my 1st AA meeting and my last drink
about 13 years...
alcohol beat me into submission
a state of reasonableness
or was it complete defeat
from which reasonableness came later
Powerless over how you think, feel, speak
whether the bus arrives when I want it
whether it rains for a picnic
whether I will be alive at the end of today
Really I am not 100% in control of any of that
am I?
No
I cannot guarantee that I drink one, I wont have another
I always believed that even though I lost my dignity over and over
by the next day I had forgotton and would do it again
I always believed it would be different next time
I cant
And our lives have become unmanageable ?
again I could see how your lives
were a nightmare, you were on drugs
for gods sake, couldnt control
your sex addictions, gambling habit
shopping addictions, were angry all the time
shouted at managers and old ladies
an were up to your eyeballs in debt
me, I was just a mess
but not like you!!!!!!!!!!
see I had a job and paid my mortgage
and bills so I wast that bad huh?
perhaps I was not such an alcoholic
afterall...
Incorrect
I am an alcoholic
All the while I was drinking
I couldnt manage to control my spending
I couldnt manage a monogamous relationship
I couldnt manage to tell the truth
I couldnt manage an honest days work
I couldnt manage to maintain personal hygene
I couldnt manage to have a conversation
(for more than 5 minutes)
I couldnt manage to maintain friendships
I couldnt manage to send my family cards on birthdays etc
I couldnt manage to feed myself
I couldnt manage to maintain anything
I couldnt manage my confidence
I couldnt manage to have pastimes
I couldnt manage to tolerate religeon
I couldnt manage to tolerate the word God
I couldnt manage to smile on a regular basis
I couldnt manage to trust
I couldnt manage to drink...like a lady
I couldnt rely on myself in any area
Unmanagable
hanging in there!
Existing not living
survival and enduring
cutting corners
getting away with
waiting for the day to end
Stopping drinking is just the beginning
highlighting these and more
AREAS in step 1
showed me I am not doing very well huh!
Whenever nowadays ANYTHING troubles me
anything I cant do
anything I consider a "problem"
situation, something I am not comfortable with
I refer back to the principle in step 1
Identify the problem I have
Tell the truth
HONESTY
Look at what I have done to resolve it
and what was the result?
If its "misery, frustration, baffled, beaten" even
then I need to ask for help
turn to a power greater
Look for the solution...
THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION
whether I can see that and believe it
in relation to my current problem
depends on my openness and relationship
my FAITH and WILLINGNESS
And how arrogant and full of pride
and how log I have left the problem
trying to
not address it
or believe at somepoint it will
resolve itself or go away
thankfully most days
thesedays
I dont get to
"misery, frustration, baffled, beaten"
often self willed irritation
that I have to admit I need help
yet only this week
I had one
in relation to this "going for coffee"
and thought I was never going to be able
to speak it out...
but I have and its ok
and I am normal... it seems
and its no big deal
see I know that I am not special and different
I just have trouble believing it sometimes
step 2 is such a Good news step
and a relief to move onto
however
Step 1 I revisit everytime something
troubles me or you infact!
whether it be a resentment
me
you
it
God
anything
Step 1... whats your problem?
I can't.... what?
I won't .... do what?
I don't think I can .... do what?
Its not right ... what isn't?
It shouldnt be like this .... what?
I am afraid ... of what ?
I hate it... what?
Telling the truth... is Step 1
admitting and accepting
I can't
is Step 1
At the beginning
its about alcohol
later with PRACTICE
its not such a big deal
to recognise and take
an honest look at THE PROBLEM
whatever it is
and accepting that on some things
no amount of self will and determination
and self and other knowledge
will make this problem go away
Good news... as always
THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION
Step 2
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Listen to the old timers and pass it on to the newcomers & chordie.com
especially listen to
the REALLY OLD ones that
keep coming back
passing it on
and on
and on
and on
and kick us up the ass
and tell the truth
and throw the duvet over at times
help us laugh
and cry
and grow... away from alcohol
and then grow up
gifts of sobriety
gifts from God
they ARE priceless
though NOT flawless!!
God bless the VERY OLD timers
who remain new AND young at heart
and show us how it works
I am VERY grateful :)
There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. P16
LISTEN TO THE OLD TIMERS
AND PASS IT ON TO THE NEWCOMERS
Gratitude in Action
ps. to be clear
there is humour
in this post
though no sarcasm
trust me I am grateful
ps Syd if you are still guitarring
I found this great site Chordie.com
songs... hard and easy versions
the REALLY OLD ones that
keep coming back
passing it on
and on
and on
and on
and kick us up the ass
and tell the truth
and throw the duvet over at times
help us laugh
and cry
and grow... away from alcohol
and then grow up
gifts of sobriety
gifts from God
they ARE priceless
though NOT flawless!!
God bless the VERY OLD timers
who remain new AND young at heart
and show us how it works
I am VERY grateful :)
There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. P16
LISTEN TO THE OLD TIMERS
AND PASS IT ON TO THE NEWCOMERS
Gratitude in Action
ps. to be clear
there is humour
in this post
though no sarcasm
trust me I am grateful
ps Syd if you are still guitarring
I found this great site Chordie.com
songs... hard and easy versions
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
...if we work for it
exam results out last night
I have pased this year
with flying colours
4 modules
4 B passes
which is excellent
It seems that I am on the right track
and have to honour this
and ACCEPT IT!
going forward
no signs to say otherwise...
VERY hard work
as you know
excruciatingly painful often
gloriously amazing at times
huge faith
never quit
and remember to breathe
But its all forgotton
this moment has passed by me now!
I have repaired
I am well and do not have the haggered look
I now have the summer off
to enjoy!!
Good luck to all the students
in the Universe
IFOBW how did you do?
Regarding the phone call
I made another one
perhaps I am not making myself
clear enough!?
whatever!
its exactly how its meant to be
as always
practicing patience
thoughtfulness
and NOT sloth!
I am reading Conversations with God Book 2
3 years after reading book 1...
Book one really showed me
just how limited my thinking of
God and the universe
and life and humans
how narrow minded and thinking
I was/am/can be
Book 2 I started a while back
and stopped, so I have started again
I love the bit where God talks about
Time in Chapter 5
I have pased this year
with flying colours
4 modules
4 B passes
which is excellent
It seems that I am on the right track
and have to honour this
and ACCEPT IT!
going forward
no signs to say otherwise...
VERY hard work
as you know
excruciatingly painful often
gloriously amazing at times
huge faith
never quit
and remember to breathe
But its all forgotton
this moment has passed by me now!
I have repaired
I am well and do not have the haggered look
I now have the summer off
to enjoy!!
Good luck to all the students
in the Universe
IFOBW how did you do?
Regarding the phone call
I made another one
perhaps I am not making myself
clear enough!?
whatever!
its exactly how its meant to be
as always
practicing patience
thoughtfulness
and NOT sloth!
I am reading Conversations with God Book 2
3 years after reading book 1...
Book one really showed me
just how limited my thinking of
God and the universe
and life and humans
how narrow minded and thinking
I was/am/can be
Book 2 I started a while back
and stopped, so I have started again
I love the bit where God talks about
Time in Chapter 5
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)