I vowed I would NEVER go down the gym again

I have booked a "chat" with a personal trainer!!

Vanity & pride, maybe thats driving it
Nothing! is firm anymore!!

I have a wedding to attend, with lots of
stick like people, no date set yet

Or is this interest in the Gym just another
predictable result of the steps...? Who cares
I'll run!? with it... see what happens

Anyway, this dropped in my inbox today, it had me
in stitches today especially the triceps bit!!!
Hope you Enjoy it tooooooooooooooooooooooo


A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner (the idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a vasectomy!!

I have now "completed" step 8

My heart is smiling
This journey has been & continues to be so interesting
God Obviously loves me
This year or so, have ridden some pretty big waves
I have prayed lots
Timidly
Loudly
Quietly
Patiently
Desperately
Selfishly
Honestly
Lovingly
Happily
Through tears
Cynically
faithfully
willingly
angrily
openmindedly
on knees
stood up
eyes closed
eyes open
out loud
at home
in the park
at work
on the bus
silently
through gritted teeth
with a smile
God hears everything I say & ask for
I always get what I need, which ultimately
is what I always wanted
He gives and takes away
All of which have strengthened my faith
There is a Loving God in my life
And I love having it

Am grateful

I have some Step 9 reading to do
:-)

# Rule 62 Don't take yourself too damn seriously

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed,
and became willing to make amends to them all.
P59 AA Big Book Alcoholic Anonymous

Gone through Step 8 list.
Its harder staying away from people.
The ones I am to go to dont seem so hard!!

There are no coincidences!! on the way home, found this
"The Little Book of Stress" Rohan Candappa, it had me
giggling away to myself in the shop as i flicked through pages.

Heres a few exerts that hit home after todays step8 sponsor
chat .... none of these have been suggested as the program of
recovery by my sponsor or anyone else for that matter!!

Lost Love
Make a list of all the people who've ever dumped you.
Contact them all once a year and try and restart the relationship.

Get lost Love
Make a list of all the people you've ever dumped.
Contact them once a year and try to restart the relationship

Nurturing is Good
Nurture your greivances. If you dont they'll die and then whoever's
done you wrong will have got away with it.

Its Better That They Should Know
Recognise other peoples limitations. Then tell people what they are.

Borrowed Disinterest
Never return things you borrow

What Friends Are For
Always borrow money from friends. Forget or put off repaying it for as long as possible.

Captain Hook, I Presume?
Never let yourself, or anyone else, off the hook.

The Theory of Relativity
If Einsten was correct and everything is relative, then it's all your parents' fault.
Blame them as often as you can.

If At First Your Dont Succeed...
It must be someone else's fault. Find them; blame them; make them pay.

It Does You Credit
Apply for as many credit cards as you can. Max them out.
Then get more credit cards and do the same.

All above taken from
The Little Book of Stress. "Calm is for Wimps, Get real, Get Stressed"
Rohan Candappa

# Rule 62 Don't take yourself too damn seriously
P149 AA Twelve Steps & 12 Traditions

Its The Weekend

Just got in from Home group
and pizza after the meeting
Inspired by the step9 sharing

YeY am well happy and its only Friday!!
Another two days yet
I have a full weekend
But not too full

Time to be me
Time to see whats going on
Time to experience each thing
Time to experience the inbetween

With people and without

Alone and not

Ordinary & Exciting
Interesting & not loafing

Simple and full at the same time

Grateful for the gifts of today

I have a simple plan

Am Tired, Goodnight

Have a good weekend all!!

The Butcher-The Baker-The Candlestick Maker

Or perhaps it should be The Dentist,
The Plumber and the Carpet Fitter

one of the questions on the form
when did you last visit the dentist ?
my answer.....over 10 years ago

As I now believe there are no coincidences
Its not just because I am now solvent
and have money to spend on stuff
It started during step 7
A sense of knowing and taking action in what
to spend money on ie not fixing

At this stage of our progress we are under
heavy pressure and coercion to do the right thing.
We are obliged to choose between the pains of trying
and the certain penalties of failing to do so. P74

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned
up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our
next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.
P84

I can continue to listen to by thinking (see below)
driven by my defects
Or take inventory, pray for defects to be removed
Have some faith and ask for help
in the right people Experts in their field

the carpet fitter and a plumber
both in my flat
and i've been to the dentist twice
all in the space of a few weeks

Did the research
Made decsions to do the right things,
let people in, to help me do things
the right things, cos i want to
not just because I need to

Before that I had lots of excuses
too skint in debt
to afraid to have anyone home
no idea what i wanted
to miserly to spend
to worried about what people think of me
already decided i would be ripped off
no reason to see these people
i would manage the way I was
wait til i really needed them
(in my opinion)
anyway my teeth are not as important
.... as carpets and decorating are they!?

Strangely
I made the decsion to see the dentist
no immediate pain or worries
just knew it was the right thing to do
(after a 10year gap) no pun intended!!
to spend money on my teeth
to maintain them seemed as important
as decorating, carpetting AND
maintaining my flat (plumbing)

Plumbing, also not essential
I could have managed longer
(in my opinion)

Again it seems that these things I have NOW
need to be maintained to a level
Flat, body, mind, spirit all need looking after
or they fall to pieces
The aging process will take effect anyway

But I will no longer use the excuses
that I have no time, I am too sick
I cant afford it, I cant take time off work,
I'll call them tomorrow, theiyll rip me off
it'll cost a fortune
not Gods will

And we have ceased fighting anything or
anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity
will have returned. P84

ALL that I have been given is a gift
I have choices today what I do
Or is it that I dont have a choice
... its just do the right thing
Its like resistance is difficult
Have stopped fighting anything and everyone
But havent bcome a victim

Dentist..... had a real scale and polish
more like excavate.... lots of stuff to pick out!!!
It took one check up 15 minutes and
less than half an hour treatment
1 filling, or coating no sure what its called
am sitting here with a fat lip, cheek and chin
no food or drink til and no longer numb!!!
yeah am dead lucky
thats all for 6 months
She gave me a plan
brush twice not once a day, or not atall
get a smaller toothbrush
.... cos my mouths very small (its true)
Teeth look a millions dollars
See what do I know!!!

Plumber
One days work inc sourcing the materials
Job done
Fear now gone
Suprised!

Carpet fitter
Great fun, flat now looks amazing
Did a room at a time as I decorated
over a period of a few weeks
helped me move furniture
job done, i just had to ask!!!

Decorating
Done by yours truly
Day, hours at a time, 3 rooms
Abit like step 4 needed doing thoroughly
But its so worth it!!!
So am I

.......40 minutes to go then I can eat

You said it gets better if i kept coming back
this IS all so amazing
Even in its ordinaryness

I coud not have done any of this before
God done for me what I couldnt do for myself
All I have to do was
Honesty, willingness and openminded
and keep turning up NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Oh yeh and i stopped at a wood furniture shop
on the way to dentist, to find out about having
some furniture made....

Someone once said that money WAS good for the soul
Now I do believe it

P74 AA 12 steps & 12 traditions
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Step 10 & 3 Legacies

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action
and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do,
for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism.
What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the
maintenance of our spiritual condition.

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of
God’s will into all of our activities.
“How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.”
These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.
We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish.
It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength,
inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge
and power. If we have carefully followed directions,
we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us.
To some extent we have become God-conscious.
We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense.
But we must go further and that means more action.

P85 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Our triangle has 3 sides
3 legacies
Unity
Service
Recovery

When am not practicing all 3 i get a little unbalanced
Dishonest even
Have to say, much fellowship and service going on
have rested up on inventory for a few days
the quality time, which i find so rewarding
has diminished..... self will...
blogging has taken over that time
motives not entirely honest
what happened to first things first
Reliance on God

I like the way I feel when I am doing all 3
so I do it to feel good
strengthen & maintain this
broadband contact with God/Good/Best
a sense of real humour
a sense of real truth
all that positive stuff that comes wth it

To Thine own self be true
Awareness & honesty
yeh back to basics again
HALT
regular inventory
prayer
helping newcomers

Progress not perfection
Practice, practice

Just a bit of action to take
It will all be ok

back soon

Shrove Tuesday

Today I am grateful.....

3 1/2 yrs sober
Happy Birthday Mum
AA gave me some quality time
I have some good memories
contact with brother
to have a laugh with him
to be a real part of his life
to be closer to him than EVER before

for a useful days work
am more easily open to change
for restraint of tongue and pen
for kindness and love
peoples suprising thoughtfulness
bloggers
praying works

did service tonight
I have a Loving God in my life today
I have a conscious contact with it

God wants the Best for me
....the results of these steps are evidence enough
There are NO coincidences

I put my finances in Gods hands Monday
......Let go, gave freely
I received before the day was out
There are NO coincidences this HAS
happened before...
when my MOTIVES were unconditional

grateful for tough love
that the truth ALWAYS sets me free
Gods time not mine
I am enough
I am always work in progress
for willingness
knowing what makes me comfortable
doing what makes me comfortable

having a design for living that works
for this instruction book for a bright life
..... our Big Book
for a further guidance manual
.... our twelve steps and twelve traditions
that I can do a step 10 on my NOT getting
around to having a pancake today!! :-)

God Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

Hope you had a fab shrove tuesday too
I'll make pancakes at the weekend... lots!!!
(If I remember)

Johnooooooooooooooooooo

Step 12

Practical experience shows that nothing
will so much insure immunity from drinking
as intensive work with other alcoholics.
It works when other activities fail.
This is our twelfth suggestion:
Carry this message to other alcoholics!
You can help when no one else can.
You can secure their confidence when other fail.
Remember they are very ill. P89

I had no idea of the depth & gravity
of this statement when I was
CONTINUALLY reminded from
very early on
to go to a meeting and help a newcomer
...when i felt miserable!!

It works
no longer miserable
continuing to follow the suggestion
taking it out into the work place
social stuff
Knowing when to
restrain tongue & not to give advice
and when to share experience
takes practice!!
Praying for people helps

Someone said the 12th step is like
when we stop looking for mirrors and
start looking out of the windows
(i think i may be opening the curtains)

P89 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I am so excited

Last year it seemed like "everyone" around here
was raving on about the Greeek Convention
and the year before
the year before that I wasnt listening!!

This year its working its way in me
if you know what I mean
Seed was planted a few years ago
its starting to flower

Putting in the footwork
Finding out
Speaking to "ok" people thats been
people who tell me their truth

God am i excited
Never been to Athens either

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
can you feel it ?

At the same time tho
Letting go of the outcome

Then GET THIS....
I asked him.... is it near Rome? :-O
see my global knowledge currently
is a little off beam

:-D

As usual theres more

So thursday night I happily put my pen down
I thought I had finished my list

As per usual step 8 meeting last night
loads of top sharing on the step
me yeh finished my list

it came to me half way through the meeting
I havent listed my sexual harms DOH!!!!!

so theres more, no big deal
It takes as long as it takes

Thoroughly? honestly? yes yes
Any length ? yes

Also
physical, mental, spiritual
The heavyness in my heart is lifting
"Cough & Head cold lifting
Admitted & accepted am human being
around this tim last year i was nursing my sick mum
its her birthday on monday
this time last year she was dying

Head cold.... yeh all linked
this aint no bug, virus
this is all linked to the grieving process
the more I let go and just stop fighting the process
the easier the physical symptoms seem to be

the healing process will happen
I cant make it as painful and prolonged as I like
Thank God my step10's show me EXACTLY
where I am playing God
Exactly where I am trying to control
myself, my feelings, my tears, my thoughts and why
Fear and Pride, Fear and pride, Fear and Pride
Impatience & lots of self will

Will read step3 again tonight
I ask myself, who is in charge ?

In Step 8 I have felt a sense that I am
I am putting aside the wrongs others have done me
and writing a list of all people I have harmed
So it seems the Spiritual principle of Step 8 is
.....Forgiveness of others REGARDLESS

Questions for Conference

Created much comments tonight
some sayalot
some say a little
some agree
some dont

Its fab having a home group
that discusses questions for conference
We have a wealth of experience
at group, intergroup, region and conference levels
I came in to the meeting with my view
and then it changed, as a result of the evidence
presented from AA literature, by "older" group members
This is cool stuff

Am becoming a GSR thats interested in
the guidelines, reading Bill W's concepts

AA literature... all of it is such a gift
as is often said
AA is Divinely Inspired
Much of the writing is visionary
It doesnt date
Easy to use stuff that works in all my affairs
Another part of this "design for living" p28

It dont all make sense if i read it to know
to feed my ego, make me knowledgeable...
It makes sense when its meant to when its needed
When I need to know, I am shown

Service Rocks!!

P28 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Tradition 7 in my affairs

I am amazed
The fear of what people think of me is disappearing

Brother wants me to lend X amount of money
I would like to help

Fear - he wont pay me back
Pride - he'll think bad of me cos i cant lend him it all,
Self will - I havent all that he needs

Freedom - its not my job to fix him
Freedom - doesnt matter what he thinks of me

Fear - it will leave me short...

Tradition 7
pay my bills & food,
keep a prudent reserve
Freedom from financial insecurity

Willingness to lend the remainder
Peace of mind I have enough
Unconditional giving,
willingness to forgive him if he lets me down
faith that it will be ok whatever happens

My needs are always satisfied

Thank you

Step 8 - Made a list - done it

Valentines Day

Due to the fact that I am prone to fantasy
and would twist a coffee with anyone into a lead up
to marriage, kids and happily ever after before we
have even paid for the coffee.

For my own sanity if no-one elses
I will stay in and do my Step 8

Friend begged me to go out for coffee after work
before going home, their partner wont mind etc....
tempting wasnt it... til my mind started playing,
well perhaps theres something in it, maybe worth
going, nearly on step9.... perhaps, perhaps....STOP

Lust, dishonesty.......no please

Stayed in, Step 8, good food, called a newcomer
bed early
peace, no fantasy, no self pity

Thank you

Old Ideas - what i need or what i want

Large retail parks, warehouses, huge expanses of space
Filled with things which I think i need some of
Truth is I dont.... today
But again today I was with someone who was going
So I went along, thinking there may be something I need
Something new, from the last time i went to one
which i didnt need anything last time
No, once again I dont
The stuff i may need, i can pick up locally
when i need it
no need to get it today just incase


It has been a beautiful day
Sun shone this morning
Got a lift to another part of town
Listened to someone talk about themselves
Was of service
talked about me for abit
Someone showed me in my face alcohol & insanity
how frightening it can be to fear telling the truth
seeing what a cornered animal looks like
in the form of a human, on the jumping off point
gripped, scared, a 6foot toddler...
food and friends

still have some bug
no decorating today
further sleeping, must need it

Good night, its been satisfactory :-)
Which is what was promised

thank you

Moment of clarity

Got a warm feeling of gratitude today
Grateful to have choices
for a freedom
for a moment of clarity
my thinking is not the root of the problem
my defects are
giving time time to sink in
thinking my thinking is the root...
is also acting out out on my defects
it doesnt say
...ready to have God remove our thinking
gift to be enjoying my current security
gift to enjoy making my home comfortable
decorating it myself
researching & doing
new carpets
am worth it... another gift
have friends
have job
am of use
this is a gift
having a relationship with a loving God
is taking time to get used to
but its so worth the effort
no i dont understand it
no i am not sure if i get it right
it dont seem to matter
just keeping on

Happy January

Warm Feeling... The only other warm feeling
was at the end of an evening and couldnt get to a bathroom

There but for the grace of God Go I

And I just switched to New Blogger...
...and lost all my links
... enjoying the adventure

Big wave is levelling out

Anniversary has come & gone

day at a time

Doing whats in front of me

Trust God
Clean House
help others

honesty
openminded
willingness

Keep on, keeping on

Life will mean something at last.
The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152

no drama
self centred fear that something bad would happen after so much gratitude
Things will happen whether am grateful or not
Fear is a red herring my head throws at me every so often
it brings self pity & misery

Grateful for the ordinary, its taking a little getting used to

page ref Alcoholics Anonymous "big book"

God sent us Simon & Garfunkel

Bridge Over Trouble Water

When you’re weary,
feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;

I’m on your side.
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.

I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

© 1969 Paul Simon

Entered the Realm of spirit, a 4th dimension

19th August 2003 I had my last drink

A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
incontinent
need i say more

This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
of
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
sponsor
self will
homegroup
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
mum
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!

By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)

I tell you this has been the best ever yet

It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"
Amazing GOD YOU ARE AMAZING

So to end on

The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.

The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self

I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more
GOD IS AMAZING

It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all

I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.

When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely

Am grateful for everything, everything

Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET

Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again

Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated
xx

All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition

A quarter of a year has past.....

Since I last blogged.
January
Mum got sick
February
she got sicker
March
She died

The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain

At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none

when I expected greed, there was none

when I expected sulking, there was very little

What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis

to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff

To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood

to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this

some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later

I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection

I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.

Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
nightmares
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
unmanageable...
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter

grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times

well thats how it is for me anyway
ITS PASSING

as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection

Keep coming back

Thank you

I am grateful for

all the
thoughts
prayers
wisdom
experience
strength
hope
truth
love
thats been sent to me via blogging

also grateful for
being sober
a productive day
improving my conscious contact
listening
being willing
being openminded

Being granted
acceptance of things i cannot change
having the courage to change the things i can
and knowing the wisdom to know the difference
just for today anyway


Lots a love

Johno
xx

100th post. not sure of the significance.
:-)

Today

I am grateful for

Mum started chemo
I am happy
jobs going well
got a pay rise
no longer being a drain on the company
being useful
applying for supervisor role
believing am worth it... applying
accepting I may not get it
applying anyway
being willing to try
home group
newcomers
having something to pass on
passing it on and letting go
not trying to be an expert
preparing for my trip
not being perfect
being sober
having faith in God
being a part of
loving living

Chocolate fudge cake

Went out tonight
I amaze myself at times
went to a restaurant
no weirdness
no feeling less than
just keep it simple
no ego
just be me
listened
took part
ate
talked
with people i dont even know
fitted in
strange but true
felt normal
present
in the moment
fuckinell
it was easy
what happened ???
with people i dont know not in the fellowship
left at a reasonable time
i had fun

Bizarre, i like this

Insanity
around the chocolate fudge cake
I rarely eat many deserts, its true
if i do, i generally choose choc fudge cake
dunno why
i love half of it
everytime i try and eat it all
everytime, i feel sick after
its too rich
too thick
but tastes mmm
i cant stop half way
i have tooo try and eat the lot
even though i know at a certain point its time to stop
I cant
I carry on till the bitter end
which is usually three quarters in
and then wonder what happened again....
it never changes
Good job I have a sense of humus, humour
Is it a problem ? nah not really
gluttony once in a while
exersizing my will on chocolate cake
and suffering the consequences
in company I dont know and laughing about it

Rule 62# Dont take yourself so damn seriously
(Steps & Traditions)

just part of the wonderful world of Johno

Think am getting this...how to do restaurants
practice, keep on, practice, keep on
keep turning up and just do it

Thank you for another sober & useful day

Cant think of a title Yet

Continue to watch for selfishness,
dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these
crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss
them with someone immediately and make amends
quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely
turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and
tolerance of others is our code. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful

This week, I have experienced
human emotions, feelings
uncrippled emotions, feelings
and dealt with them as they came up
not tried to meddle
not tried to deny
not wallowed
just felt
real powerful feelings, emotions
identified them
and let them remain in the day
which is a blessing as different ones came up each day

Its an amazing experience living sober
I have no wish to escape whats going on
infact in a surreal way, I welcome it
inspite of the pain I have felt this week
I want to keep on
I want to experience
I want to take part
I want to be part of

this family is going through something
every family goes through at some point
we are not special or different
everyones mum/sister/whatever dies at somepoint
they dont all die by the same lead up thats all
She aint dying yet
she starts chemo monday
I get to see her saturday
We get to spend time in the present

I have/am clearing away away my resentments
addressing my defective thinking
Restraint of tongue and pen is progressing
doing my part in clearing the channel
between me and my Higher power

Put in the footwork
let go of the outcome

Your job now is to be at the place where you
may be of maximum helpfulness to others,
so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful
P102 Alcoholics Anonymous

I will

I was doing the right things because I ought to
Now I am doing the right things because I want to

God has done again for me what I couldnt do for myself

My faith is enlarging
My reliance on God is progressing steadily

Real life is do-able
A day at a time

Keep on keeping on
Doing my lousy best

What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved
to be the loving and powerful hand of God.
A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
P28 Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you

I Have Faith

"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran

"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran

"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran

"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran


Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before

I now see why i am still here, not there

as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has

we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis

thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed

I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...

yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you

Leave it be now Johno, let go

this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...

there are no coincidences

two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week

Its a beautiful day

Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran

Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times

I am grateful and also am scared

My mums scans being clear
my mum being in a positive mood today
the oncologist being positive
being sober

having said that i am
feeling scared... people drink when their mums get ill/die
i feeling abit lost
i dont feel strong
am ill aswell which dont help
this too shall pass
i need to have faith
lean on my higher power

natural instinct is to tell everyone
those i tell just say am doing the right things
it dont seem like am doing enough
i guess I just have to have faith
i been honest with them
they can see better than me at the moment

Day at a time
whether i drink or not is not my business
i can only put in the footwork
do the right things
seek counsel

let go

God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen

any other ideas ?

My Mothers a Superhero

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works. P28

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15

My mum went into hospital for tests friday
today she was diagnosed with lung cancer
Its her third time, breast, bladder, now lung
she texted me the other day
"you have to be brave to want to grow old"
how true is that

When I told my family today, they just kept asking
why her, how much more can she cope with ?
I just could say, its her, because she can cope
and she will keep going until she is ready to stop
so we just keep going aswell

Am grateful today

that I am sober
part of a loving fellowship
that i was able to tell my mum i loved her
that i had a meeting to get to
that i could say no to doing a chair tomorrow
that i didnt expect to much of myself today
that i went back to basics
HALT, praying, meetings, talking, step10 ing

that i can cry & not feel sorry for myself
that i am able to feel emotional like a human being
that i am not the emotional cripple i used to be
that I can behave appropriately without hiding my pain
that I can take suggestions from newcomers
that i notice, my pride kicking in

that i was able to make my amends to my mum last year
that my mum and i regularly communicate nowadays
that I have had a few years now of loving this woman
for who she is, not what I would like her to be
that i can accept that although she is "our mum"
to me and my brother, she is "our mum" to a number of people
to accept she is a remarkable woman
My mothers a Superhero

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. P102

I need to get myself in fit spiritual, physical & mental condition
Even though I have come down friday with an odd chest complaint
almost like i came out in sympathy!?!?!

Tomorrow, she will have brain & full body scans & biopsy
to see if its spread & what type it is
tomorrow we find out what the next step is

Keep on, keeping on
My job is to do the next right thing
Gods will, not Johnos

What happens next, depends on which way she wants to go
I want to be there to help her do it with dignity

Grateful for my Higher Power
Grateful for the strength of the fellowship
Grateful for the strength of bloggers
Grateful for the "kit of spiritual tools" p25
Grateful for Sponsors everywhere

God doesnt give us more than we can handle...
I have faith

All page ref's to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Step 4

Its coming on, thats all i can say
am doing it
even resorted to using step 10's as an avoidance tactic
hows that win win

thanks for comments
it all helps

keep on keeping on

Works going ok
am expecting to be a superhero again
and am not
at least i worked it out before i got too much of a strop on

am grateful

Just remembered the fork

Smile

Stop Comparing yourself

We subjected each relation to this test --was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.
P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

yeh, there really is better ways
they were all about me
all on my terms
yeh the other party may or may not have got something out of it
but that really was not that high on my agenda

how bizarre I have been in denial
I have blamed another area of my life
for issues and just bathed in that victim like state
not bothering to look to the ideal and grow towards it
always just assumed it would just happen by magic one day

one day I would be cured miraculously
i just woke up a bit more
my thinking has just changed abit
i just seen it from an entirely different angle

could be right, could be wrong
anyway i got it down on paper and looked at it
and now i am trying to let go
and move onto the next

but i cant, i just had a God moment
a life changing feeling like someone switched the light on
and i got hope that there is hope for me
I am not a hopeless case

Ok HALT, i ate, am not angry or lonely but am tired
so am going to sleep

been having conversations lately with someone
telling them to stop comparing them selves with others
and get on with the step they are on
and i just had the same conversation with my sponsor
without realising it, until i got told to "stop comparing"
mind my own business
its not good for my self esteem

Honesty, is key, because i forget, its good to be reminded
about my assets aswell as my liabilities

Am grateful

Today

has gone really ok
i even realised that my mum dont need me to pass on program stuff
she already keeps stuff simple
and doesnt project

strange it didnt rub off on me then
i didnt point it out to her
no need, she probably assumes i knew this stuff for years
(yes i am a mindreader)

anyway, done more step 4
still stared, but no beatings today
realised how my loneliness has been, could be, is such a liability
and how chronically selfish i am, can be, have been, could be

thank god am in with a chance
now i know

i need to check my motives before i do anything
prevention is easier than cure
especially as sometimes there is no cure

Step 4 Seaching & Moral

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

It says looked, not stare & re live it.
It doesn't say beat yourself over the head with a stick
it doesnt say you have to make amends
it just says get it ALL down on paper and look at it
Fuckinell
i thought there wasnt gonna be much to put down
but when you put it that way

living with an odd head, with hope
doing the right things
doing it anyway
enjoying it inspite of it all

Am grateful
for doing service
for choices
for willingness
for a sense of humour
for taking action
for patience
for honesty
for love
for the great lyricists of this world

This time last year
I was 5000 miles away
typing on a keyboard in heat
with insects fluttering all over
surreal so much has happened this year

am sober
am getting stronger
am staying stronger
am waking up
am staying awake
its worth it
am worth it

Let Go
Let God

Keep Letting Go
again, and again, and again

All is Quiet in this Alkys Head
On New Years Day

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another day in the 4th Dimension

I am grateful

for being useful today
not doing what others did today
doing what i get paid to do
doing also what i been asked to do
not being a loafer "just because i can get away with it"
doing a days work, instead of fantasising

making another attempt at step4
Just for today & didnt act out when it hurt
Just for today I sat with it and did a bit more

got honest with another human being
being told its ok to be reminded
admitted my feeling vulnerable
seeing its ok to not do it perfect
seeing i need help
seeing thats the whole point
seeing how much I have acted out on my loneliness in the past
having choices today in more and more areas of my life
talking it instead of texting it

"scream in, scream out...time for healing"
(Just the way am feeling - Feeder)

for another sober day in the 4th dimension
and the willingness to get words down on paper

Step 4

Making an attempt again tonight
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option

I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting

Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine

I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level
so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice

I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that

You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
so...
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do

just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch
and
DONT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD

i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow

yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you

Shut the fuck up

One Amazing Day

I am grateful for

Waking up without fear
getting bath n breakfasted
saying my prayers
reading daily reflections
Thy will not mine be done

Leaving the house in plenty of time
dressing becomingly
having my own transport
the roads being clear
the weather being dry
being in the present moment

arriving early
calling my family
sharing the excitement of Father Christmas's visit
friends
being willing
having dressed warm
having a conversstion without discussing recovery
just keeping it very light
trying my best
not giving up, even when i thought i wasnt in the right place

being reminded our post IS important even when it doing appear so
seeing the importance of all parts no matter how small
sulking cos, i wasnt a larger part
thinking about what being a part of means

walking round talking, paying attention
giving it a go
not sitting waiting for it to happen
having a game of table football
losing 11-1 and still smiling
someone shooting up
reminding me how feeling safe is not enough

doing fire duty
feeling like i got nothing in common with these people
feeling like am ready for going home time
continuing doing it anyway just for excersize
something telling me, it doesnt matter about what i think
its none of my business whether i have anything in common
it works because there are "too" many of us
it works because we do it together
it works because we are not all the same
it works because its unpaid
it works because we all want to be there
it works because there are no staff shortages
it works because its LOVE & SERVICE

HALT i am tired, things are becoming strained
Waiting for the debrief, i wanted to cry
i saw someone who was going to a meeting across town
i wanted to go to bed
i wanted to stay for the meeting here
Principles before Personality
AA is not a social group, even on Christmas day
Dont quit, your job is not yet done

I sat in the meeting knowing no-one, feeling tired
its warm, and safe
i drifted off during the chair
and came too
and drifted, wishing i was in bed
a few shared back, still sleepy

then i heard it...
"My names xxx I am an alcoholic
its my 1st day sober... i have been waiting
all day until 5pm for this meeting to start
i want to get sober...."
To share back, in its simplest form
was enough to wake me up
to give me a reason to turn up tomorrow
to show me that even when I (the great me)
has know idea what I have in common with anyone
I dont know what I dont know
God really does move in mysterious ways

There are at least 4 people around tomorrow
inc me who want to stay sober
and theres another meeting tomorrow night
Dont quit before the miracle
The meeting ended magically for me
Lots of love, a few tears of gratitude
Hope followed us out
fellowship remained
Love is in the air

I have come home, had a warm bath
ate some of my favourite things
listened to "My favourite things"
and now I am going to bed
For that I am very grateful

Its all helping me understand this brotherly/sisterly love
this friend amongst friends
worker amongst workers
AA amongst AA''s
its not all about me
but if i can make a difference
with my experience thats a gift
its not my job to fix the world
being part of a process is enough
behind the scenes is important
its also rewarding
lots of parts make a beautiful whole
keep letting go, again and again, and again

Am grateful you gave me a beautiful smile
Which I can give to the world

My Primary purpose is to stay sober
& help other alcoholics acheive sobriety

Thy will not mine be done
let go let god

Another lesson in humility learned today

Thank you for another safe and sober day

Its becoming clear

that I am making progress
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on

put in the action
let go of the outcome

someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!

Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?

whats going on

I am grateful

for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given

Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me

oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,

"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"

Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up

I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home

Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas

I am grateful for...Accepting I am Lazy!

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and
the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful for.....
Finding out & accepting
I AM lazy & selfish re my work punctuality
Monday got up earlier, did the suggestions, still late
but with different attitude
today, got up earlier, and got to work ON TIME
with a different attitude

I choose to get to meetings on time
because i guess it suits me
the people who have what I want turn up early
stay after

I choose to stay in bed longer and get to work late
I choose to lie there with "all the people in my head"
its a choice, my bed time is more important than my employers
its my choice to make the time up, they have no choice
its all going my way, they dont discipline me
Selfish, chronically self centred, lazy.
LAZY!!!! ME THE GREAT ME
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH
yes its true when you put it like that
okay, okay, okay OKAYYYYY

I prayed last night, for my Higher Powers help
on my laziness, envy, selfish, inconsiderateness
and prone to waste money... now I have a little reserve
I prayed for me to live in the solution to these defects
to have loving thoughts, to be useful
to have consideration for other people time
to not waste money

I prayed it all again this morning
something happens when i pray like i mean it
even when its through gritted teeth
even when i stayed in the bath a little to long "with the people in my head"

I got to work on time....NOW THATS A MIRACLE

Am grateful for a sober day
having a sense of humour
for the meeting being fun tonight
for someone making it back after a drink last week
for being trusted
for being honest at work
for practicing To Thine Own self Be true at work
for my appraisal going better than expected

for being honest about my timekeeping
for my employer, overlooking this "difficulty"
(even when i get honest & not improve, they still chose not to discipline me)
(how can that be ????!!!)
for being willing to try and change my lateness
from an entirely different angle
for being willing to change... a day at a time
for finally seeing my lateness finally as part of my acting out
another "old idea" i hadnt be ready or willing to let go of
dishonest behaviour going on since childhood
like the late nights
i dont want to or need to be like this anymore

Progress NOT Perfection
Easy Does it but Do it
Day At A Time

I am grateful for

Not lying in bed thinking for too long today
Doing some step4
Having a bath
Eating
Doing the stuff I intended to...
Meeting up with someone
Going to the theatre with someone else
Enjoying being in the moment
Sharing stuff
Listening

Having a friend take my inventory
Finding out I am...
LAZY
CHRONICLY SELF CENTRED
SELFISH
My time is far more important than my employers...
(well it must be if I am to be judged upon my actions)
just because I dont turn up on time to work
see that "just because" minimising my behaviour
thats how important it isnt to me
if it was, i wouldnt do it
getting away with it, cos I can
i dont want that, not really
i am waiting to get disciplined
then i can pull out the poor me's
shouldov, i wish i hads...

Frickin ell...
too many similarities for this to be untrue
Now I know the truth...
do I choose to sit in denial & dishonesty
or face up and be willing to change

psssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh
that was the sound of my ego being punctured

honesty
acceptance
openminded
willingness
action

how many people am I gonna talk it through with
before I actually try it
how many years am i gonna live like this
try the suggestions a day at a time, for a couple of weeks
see what happens
I cant, i am on holiday for some of that...
NO EXCUSES
try it anyway

am grateful for
outing my envy
I am no longer alone
experiencing it, without having to isolate
that it didnt drag me down today
having friends who tell me what I need to hear

a sober day in recovery
the truth

the truth, i can deal with

I landed today - with JEFF

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. P145 Alcoholics Anonymous

Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously

JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up

I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked

self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts

How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards

Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth

Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process

Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass

Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History

Boring & Glum??? NO

I am grateful for...

6 fab days in Spain courtesy of A convention
meeting up with some amazing people
having a sun tan in December!!!
praying on the beach
feeling connected with my higher power
on a moonlit beach, waves gently lapping the shore
no fear, alone, me and God

the last time I was there I was drunk
I needed a reason OTHER than hanging around bars to return
i wanted to revisit old friends who own the bars
I met with them, they are still my friends
the number of years I have been absent didnt matter
the people that matter dont mind
they understood (kinda)

You gave me a reason, a purpose
I had so much fun
laughing like kids, with people I hardly knew
Collecting numbers, emails

In a step 1 meeting in another country
sharing with a 17day sober last night
reminded me loads
surreal, its the same message worldwide
I knew that...you told me
but now i experienced it too in yet another country

I done it drunk
Now I done it sober

I got friends in meetings
I got choices today
You given me a life I never had before

My head stayed present 95% of the time
the wave of loneliness, came and went
i let it come and let it go
the big book holds some magic dust
reining my mind back with the tools

For someone who couldnt get out of bed
Couldnt speak to anyone
couldnt utter words of more than 1 syllable
couldnt look you in the eye, incase you spoke to me
was scared of speaking incase... incase
this is how it was for me
this is how it was for a long time drunk and sober

This week...its a miracle
I went alone, with the belief that I wouldnt be alone
For once, my own thinking was to be trusted
this convention was a gift from God
I did Gods will not mine last night
I came back to somewhere I like in Gods time, not mine

Its levelling out
Am becoming someone I like
Am starting to trust people are not humouring me
Am slowing with the thinking its all gonna go pear shaped
Lifes getting interesting
a day at a time
Its getting to be an adventure

Errr, thats not true, am fearing going to work tomorrow
just incase they decided I became indispensible
while i was away

Progress NOT Perfection

Thank you for another sober & safe day
Serenity... I got some
Peace ... I got some of that too
Sanity ... yeh no thinking about drinking
Part of ... this loving fellowship
Living ... yes i am

"God wants me... Happy Joyeous & Free"
Thank you Spain

Walk on water...
I had to come home
I started to believe anythings possible

You snooze, you lose

And with us, to drink is to die P66

In the realm of King Alcohol
with people whom know me
but dont themselves share the drink problem

infact we were just having a conversation about
the greater power of my own understanding
waitress took my order "cafe latte"
no alcohol was ordered at our table

Many questions came up about
alcoholism
mental, physical, spiritual
whats an alcoholic etc
all stuff that when i talk abt it,
it reminds me that I am an alcoholic
it reminds me that i am in the fellowship i believe in
it confirms to me that i do have faith in my own experience
and in the experience of others

i took a sip of my coffee....
the strange aroma n taste went up my nose
1st thought
"what the fcuks that ? mmm... no-one will know"
1st action
"taste that will ya, tell me whats in it"
urm its got booze in it
2nd action
pass to the other
nah its just coffee flavour
3rd action
leave it aside, cos I DONT KNOW WHATS IN IT
ITS MY SOBRIETY, MY RESPONSIBILTY

this proves to me
My insanity around alcohol is still there if i take a drink
I dont know if it was coffee flavor or booze,
it is the first drink that does the damage
if I asked enough people, they'll tell me what I wanted to hear
"its just coffee flavour!?"

even waitresses make mistakes
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I didnt listen to my head
I am grateful that I took some action
some responsibility for my own sobriety

Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none P107

How silly would this have been
"I had to finish the latte off its probably really is only flavour,
as I woulnt get a drink for ages if i dont!!!"
but it did cross my mind
(it didnt cross my mind to just order
another coffee or some water either)
insane

Its just further evidence that proves if alcohol
or anything remotely like alcohol is in me
my insanity returns pretty fast
just incase i forgot

theres a drunken fairy
she just sits there waiting patiently
waiting for me to snooze
waiting to help me lose

Thank you God for reminding me
What i needed even when i didnt know I did

Grateful and sober
thank you God

Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book

I am grateful for

for window of opportunities
for having the courage to try them
for wanting growth
for belonging to a fellowship
so much being on offer
I am in such a good space
seeing the whole world of opportunities are out there
all i got to do is the next right thing
turn up
trust my HP
trying it
pass stuff on
give unconditionally
Let Go
Let go
Keep letting go
Doing
not thinking
laughing lots
acceptance
no resistance
least expectation
honesty
willingness
openmindedness

am on a pink cloud
lots goin on n am doing
the more i do, the more creative I become
the more creative i become
the more opportunities come up
the more i give, the more i get back
unreal BUT VERY REAL

Unity Service Recovery
Thank you God
a beautiful day

Lesson 1
learn to give unconditionally (yeh i progressing ok on this one)
Lesson 2
learn how to receive (theres an art to this)

I guess if my unconditional giving
has a condition which disallows me to receive,
then am not really giving unconditionally am i???


having said that.... the futures bright...

Growing outwards

It feels to me that I am not backing away from contact with others
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too

no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway

I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity

I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
balance
it is an art, its all art

The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go

I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life

And I am liking it

We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed. P25

stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
blogged
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves. P84

Look at the evidence

Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
unclean
malnourished
lonely
exhausted
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow

AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works P28

The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed

tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools

Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...

one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful

All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)

First things First

Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous

It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking

Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Change or die

Justfukindoit

An eskimo spoke & triggered my defects

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! P101

I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long

Luckily
sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass

Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101

The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me

I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come

i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me

still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway

I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles

the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on

just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way

Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Fear is not a problem today

But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. P17 Alcoholics Anonymous

I just got reminded, it still amazes me
I never felt this til i walked thru the doors this time
Since then its been there, but the other side of a barrier (fear)

I feel it now, today, fellowship
I feel it, more and more
I feel able to let myself be part of
Even when my head tells me am not
I am part of
I am no longer alone

How did it happen
God knows
I just do whats suggested
(most of the time)
Its just come back at me
Just for today
Fear is not a problem
I am at peace inside
Keep turning up
Taking the odd risk - not life threatening, just emotional ones
Growth is only possible if i take a bit of a risk

Step4 revisited is not perfect
Am just doing it anyway

am grateful for opportunities
am grateful that am willing
am grateful that am able
am grateful to be teacheable
am grateful you teach me

thank you

I am grateful

for today being a better day than yesterday
for taking my bike for its MOT
For it failing... finally this "faulty part" will get fixed
for them finally accepting there is something wrong with it
For being able to afford to fix it
For them being able to fix it faster than i thought they would
For taking a long walk to a new meeting
for accepting am definitly in step4 crazy head
for remembering my experience of my head last time
for not fearing that madness returning
for doing some step4 tonight
for seeing how destructive my thinking can be
for having a solution
for having a programme
for not having to do this alone

for the sun shining
for the sky being blue
for taking a walk along the beach
for feeling happy
for feeling at peace

for being sober
for having faith in a God who loves me
for not expecting too much of myself today
for being safe & warm

for my world opening up a little more
for God giving me a little more, to handle
for me noticing how life has just switched up a gear
for me remembering i only have to do today
for an attempt at not tackling my whole lifes problems today
for an attempt at doing something for excersize i didnt want to do
for an attempt at adjusting myself to what is
for letting today stay simple

thank you for giving me a solution & a purpose

I just noticed I put whole lifes problems....
well today i didnt have a problem
the problems i was thinking of are not problems
they are good things which have come my way
as a result of this fellowship
what i perceived as a problem, is not a problem, issues maybe...all solvable
all of my own making, making in that i said yes, i'll give it a try
so thats good stuff thats in the making
frinstance...would you call booking a flight to get to a convention
A PROBLEM... ??? no a high class issue
this is what happens when you start getting a life
crawling out from under the duvet & staying out

Get real Johno,
just for today
the only problem is me & my perception
oh yeh and being a Drama Queen

I was a scoffer, i remained to pray, it works

When a person offended we said to ourselves,
"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick
people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being
helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least
God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant
view of each and every one. P67

Todays the 14th day of me praying for the two people
and the company I work for,
14 days ago the anger was so bad
i was angry & couldnt lift it I had become obsessive,
self seeking, destructive inwardly & outwardly in this area
Misery though optional, i took it again
without realising it, i was in it

I was squandering hours P66 obsessing about their defects
resentment was destroying this alcoholic
I needed help, i couldnt lift this alone, i had to call in the big guns

Praying works, by tuesday this week, my anger & resentment had gone
they became just a couple of colleagues, nothing special
(i had changed, they hadnt)
my company became an ok company to work for again
(i had changed, it hadnt)
i became a little lighter
i fitted myself in again
less of the self seeking
more being of service
Altered my Attitude

then yesterday, i opened my mouth and retaliated with someone else
here we go again, self seeking
thats it johno... another 14 days praying
i didnt need telling, i just did it anyway
why wouldnt I?....it works

Though I refused & scoffed & feared taking this action before
When the student is ready the teacher appears... i heard you
I am glad i got willing and did it
its another tool i was given quite a while ago
that I never picked up & tried, not really... half heartedly, here and there
Half measures availed us nothing P59
and have just learned how to use
tonight i passed it on
its all such a gift
am grateful

I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through,
and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.
William D. Silkworth, M.D Pxxx

Thankyou Dr Silkworth

All page references "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

My prayers tonight include a friend who travelling to a part of the world thats
troubled by terrorism this week. Please keep her safe... until we meet again

Honesty, willingness, openminded

it works,
i really believe it works
I know it works
I have experienced it working
it works for me
when i work it

didnt get up
did think about it
did get up
did get back in bed
did think again
fear, uselessness, self pity
all bound & gagging me

did get up
prayed
left house
step10'd what just happened
Looked at my thinking during the previous hour
I really dont think much of myself
this came as a shock

I have been learning more tolerence of myself
but i thought i was learning to love myself
this morning showed me some truth
from the moment i wake up until I leave the house
i wake up alone, in fear, feeling worthless
this is how i feel most mornings
rarely do i wake up full of joys
even when am at my most joyeous

i really have to work very hard in the mornings
to kick the straight jacket off
to remember i have alcoholism
to take part in
to remember i am part of
to remember what to do
to remember not to think
I battle with my head every morning
fuckit who gives a shit if i dont turn up for work
fuck it turn over
fuck it just turn up late
fuckit leave it til the last minute
fuckit dont have breakfast
fuckit dont dress becomingly
and for years and years i have been getting away with it
I wake up full of the misery of the ISM
am not sure i want to anymore

is this the next thing God?
is this the next thing i DONT believe you can help me with
am not sure am ready... (still clinging on to the duvet)
thats me again, am not ready to do it (i like isolating & feeling like shit)
incase i cant maintain it (thats what grown ups do)
thats me again... (iiiiiii alone looking at my own miserable past performance)
get with it, this is about God, not me alone anymore
its obviously i cant do this alone, or i would have aready duh
i need a frickin Power Greater than Myself

If you can sort my morning unmanagability out
then that would be a frickin miracle

never underestimate the power of God & prayer
I thought letting go of attachments was the biggest
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
I thought i letting go of money & power
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
i thought i would not be able to let go of this anger
you sorted that one - i had/have to pray for it
Bleeding hell
too much evidence in the last month or two

Prayer & doing Gods will, well my lousy best

I bought donuts at work today
gave them first to the guy I have been praying about
he wanted to know what it was for
I just felt like it,
something came over me today
Altered Attitude

Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
P13 Alcoholics Anonymous

am grateful, thanks Bill W

ISM.... I Sabotage Myself

didnt hear the alarm
didnt get up when i heard it
did listen to my head
didnt eat
didnt get to the garage
didnt get to work on time
didnt get a lunch time
didnt finish my work
didnt get to the meeting on time

did pray for a sober day
did pray for the people i was angry at
did get enough work done
did keep my mind with my body most of the day
did get someone elses done aswell
did get to meeting
did get voted in for a commitment
did fing out about a convention in Europe coming up
did notice this same location has come up in
several very different conversations over the last 2 weeks...
did have a laugh at meeting
did stay for food
did meet a newcomer
did pray for a safe ride home & have defects removed along the way
did get home safe
did call up my sponsor
did get honest about my fear & unmamageability in the mornings
did take on a suggestion
did express gratitude for being asked to secretary another mtng
did get honest about my doubts
did wonder together if I may be taking on too
many commitments around the fellowship
did agree to pray on it
did talk to a friend & listened to her gratitude
did stay sober

will pray before bed
will write a simple plan for the morning
will try

I am grateful for all the dids
I am grateful that my unmanageablility didnt destroy today
I am grateful for accepting another imperfect day

If I was drinking
ALL the stuff i DID would not be there

I am blessed to be part of... something greater than me

I am grateful that there is a solution

Victim v Volunteer

Yes it seems I was useful today
If i believe what my boss says

I am so quick to take a "look" as negative
But when an email comes, thanking me for my help today
My natural reaction is to dismiss it as
"what that fuck do you thanking me for? I was gonna do it anyway"

If I do something in a victim like way
I want praise & sulk when i dont get it
When I volunteer without expecting anything in return
I get praised & have to work at accepting it

Next I'll be sabotaging
Bugger!! the thoughts there already
have to work on not acting out on that then
restraint of tongue & pen & keyboard

God help me please

And with us, to drink is to die.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic,whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. P66 Alcoholics Anonymous

I just been released with instructions on how to revisit of step4.
Arrived back home at 11.30 am wet and cold and went to bed & slept
Am not a saint

It has to be everyday
Or i wont do it
Its a daily programme
It fits with what i did before
But not the same
I just got to do it

Anylengths
Keep on Keeping on

Went out for a meal last night, 40th bthday (not mine)
I stayed present mind body and spirit for 95%
was almost real... almost
god i am never satisfied unless its perfect
such a control freak
the meal was cool
I was manageable
Still practicing on the eating out

Am grateful
for the invite & experience
for doing it sober
for getting out on the bike
for a straight piece of road to check out the top speed
(its not that fast, just fast enough)
Step4
having a solution to deal with resentment
being willing
the power of prayer
for the belief in Higher Power
having a sense of humour

am feeling step4ish
thats all

Blind faith the only faith

It works if you work it
It really does
This praying for someone
does something
it disables anger
it free's up head space
it lets in the sunlight

Am still sulking inside
Accepting where I am is taking time
Accepting it takes time, takes practice
am practicing

Am looking at being useful
Giving, instead of receiving in other areas
Giving in a manner of ways
Not just in AA
Like minded people who give back
I think i have just found somethings am interested in
I can fill my time with
Volunteering
Get me out of my comfort zone
Fresh air & Green pastures

Its only a thought
But all things start as a thought
Thought is the start of creation
2006 a green year ?
a breakthru i think

Am grateful to be sober
Healthy
In work
Bills payed
Friends
Family
Fellowship
a God thats showing me who I am and showing me his will for me
willing to look
seeking to be true to myself
opportunities
love
service
Being Sober even when it dont seem it sometimes - the truth is IT ROCKS

Without AA I would be nothing
Without AA I would not be

As a member of AA
My Primary purpose is to stay sober &
help other alcoholics to acheive sobriety
Is that it??? Is that it ???
No my friend AA is much more than that
Its magical, its given me a life I never had before
Its giving me opportunities
It gives me purpose
I am useful (yes it still sticks to say it)
Its an experience not to be missed
Am glad I didnt quit before the miracle
It works if i work it, it dont if i dont
Its true