I captured my feelings
last night after singing class
I feel no joy during it
just a chore
emotionless,
almost concrete inside...
yet the resuts are evident...
Singing lessons are working...
Trust the process,
keep turning up,
give everything u got
dont compare and
just keep on.
I will not quit singing
wind beneath my wings
even by the end of singing classes
i havent broken through
High notes
i'll keep going til i have!!
These feelings are not
new to me, the come up
over and over
yet difference today is
I carry on regardless
of how loud they shout or
how hard they crush me inside
I refuse to stick label after label
on human mental conditions
This too shall pass!!
Also making friends
Being vulnerable
Writing songs that are personal
Putting them out there
Feeling raw
Feeling a sense of responsibility
Sharing this stuff
With none aa's
Other poets, songwriters
Musicians
Friends
Finding others in recovery
Or on the spiritual path
Doing it, yet not in AA
Others walking the walk
Without a programe
Yet with a faith
And with issues
Vulnerability and strength
Brilliant...
Finding friends who appreciate it
And dont run
Yet use it to move forward
Themselves
And me...
Together
Awesome stuff
Humbling
So heres how i felt after
Singing class... My head drama
Feeling low
Feeling exhausted by the battle
The fight within
That goes on between my
head and heart
Fighting i feel blocked
Blocked just above my heart
Which stops me going
Higher past a certain level
My voice is not free
The air channel is not free
Resistance
Like cant get past
Breathe breathe
For so long listening to lies
If it dont shift now
I am afraid it'll always be there
Dont wanna waste no more time
So much more to do
She gives me suggestions
I cannot give eye contact
Emotionless
Such a Chore
Feeling nothing except some
Strange anger
Rebellion
Like some child
I am listening
Yet cant / wont do as am told
Disappointed by this inner rebellion
Yet when i do
I sing loud and clear..
We heard it
I am paying for these classes
I am loving singing
Yet during class
Its like i feel childlike
Yet i want to run
I want to cry
Want to Leave the room
I want to stop
Yet to do so would
Be giving into the darkness
And the lies and misery it brings
Leaving me stuck in stuckness
Wondering whens it gonna end
Tonight i discussed with teacher
Past i have been always
in the background
This is all new
this foreground stuff
And i am terrified
Time is running out
Right now i feel very lonely
I feel at a point of where
The corners meet
And i have to make a choice
A leap of faith
Bash through this
With yoga breath
Deep breathing from the core
I always wanted to breathe
Mine has for too many years been
Very shallow
Fear and anxious breathing
Silent
Yet i see feel and hear
The benefits of deep breathing
From my core
It drives it all
Cuts through the fear and anxiety
To run would be an insult
to all this grace...
Amazing grace i have been given...
Whatever happens
dont panic
Dont do it alone
Go to anylengtha
keep breathing
keep turning up
dont quit before the miracle
Feeling grateful
Inspite of sadness
And joy
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Make space for Grace
I find Written Step10's
show my willingness
to be still and accept who is God
and spend quality time unloading
so the sunlight can flood in
Spending time Writing
takes effort and humility
Spot checks are essential
and do very real good
However i can twist and
Choose to be selective
writing is what brings about real relation with HP/universe/heart/god
which in turn brings about
very real change
I find
my will in line with Gods
in Gods time
He is very patient
Thankfully
Step 10's
Help me see the truth
Save me my job
Give me better perspective
See my defects
Help me grow
Help me change
Help me move on
Help me let go
Help me see what i am doing
Help me see what i am not doing
Look at things from an other angle
See that i can always do better
See deeper insights
Leave space for grace
Thank God for Step 10
show my willingness
to be still and accept who is God
and spend quality time unloading
so the sunlight can flood in
Spending time Writing
takes effort and humility
Spot checks are essential
and do very real good
However i can twist and
Choose to be selective
writing is what brings about real relation with HP/universe/heart/god
which in turn brings about
very real change
I find
my will in line with Gods
in Gods time
He is very patient
Thankfully
Step 10's
Help me see the truth
Save me my job
Give me better perspective
See my defects
Help me grow
Help me change
Help me move on
Help me let go
Help me see what i am doing
Help me see what i am not doing
Look at things from an other angle
See that i can always do better
See deeper insights
Leave space for grace
Thank God for Step 10
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Amazed before we are half way through...
I cant believe whats going on
with and for me at the moment
Things had started a stirring in me
before I went to Greece
and I did a workshop
on singing
a cappella
and now
I cant stop singing
and am having lessons
trying out choirs
created a youtube
having fun...
And also
some very old scars
are beginning to heal
its almost like
finding my singing voice
and singing my heart out
is healing me of things
which have remained silent
and stifled for so long
I have had rather intensly honest
discussions with my sponsor
and with God
and its all healing
Step 5 is only the beginning
I even had an intensly honest
conversation with my manager
regarding a work point
which again I have been unable
to shift out of a habit
which others seem to find easy
God seems to do what I cannot do for myself
It seems he performs
spiritual surgery
exactly when he wants
and I am going through some
amazing changes
inside and outside of me
just applied for a new position at work
the only one who doesnt think I'll get it
is me? I dont know if I want it?
because I dont really know what it entails
yet everyone else seems to think I am doing most
of it allready... bizarre
Anyway
see what happens
That Greek island
does amazing things to me
thats twice now
open mind
open heart
willingness
to let Gods extraordinary Power
flood in
Amazing Love
Amazing Grace
:)
with and for me at the moment
Things had started a stirring in me
before I went to Greece
and I did a workshop
on singing
a cappella
and now
I cant stop singing
and am having lessons
trying out choirs
created a youtube
having fun...
And also
some very old scars
are beginning to heal
its almost like
finding my singing voice
and singing my heart out
is healing me of things
which have remained silent
and stifled for so long
I have had rather intensly honest
discussions with my sponsor
and with God
and its all healing
Step 5 is only the beginning
I even had an intensly honest
conversation with my manager
regarding a work point
which again I have been unable
to shift out of a habit
which others seem to find easy
God seems to do what I cannot do for myself
It seems he performs
spiritual surgery
exactly when he wants
and I am going through some
amazing changes
inside and outside of me
just applied for a new position at work
the only one who doesnt think I'll get it
is me? I dont know if I want it?
because I dont really know what it entails
yet everyone else seems to think I am doing most
of it allready... bizarre
Anyway
see what happens
That Greek island
does amazing things to me
thats twice now
open mind
open heart
willingness
to let Gods extraordinary Power
flood in
Amazing Love
Amazing Grace
:)
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me
I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter
i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse
i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area
healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle
i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies
i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!
Grateful for all your comments
this week
encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)
2 more sleeps :D
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter
i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse
i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area
healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle
i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies
i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!
Grateful for all your comments
this week
encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)
2 more sleeps :D
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Step 1... Deep shame.. There is a solution
S'funny how i remember
From early meetings
Just get it past your teeth
I find it so hard to
Get words past my teeth
And words off the ends of my fingers
Through a keyboard
I feel shame
I feel deep shame
And its sad because
I didn't really know this
Until just recently
Why not?
Because i haven't looked
Hard enough
Or spent time
Considering it because
O know its not my fault
So why feel shame?
See self knowledge does not
Stop the shame
It simply rationalises it
Deep shame
Sadness that it is inside of me
Compassion for me, all of me
Fear of rejection
Fear of finding out the truth
Fear of reality
I have had some clarity
Which separates out two areas
Which has made a difference
I think
One is not dependent on the other
Both need treating independantly
Both with respect
Yet neither must be allowed
To breed new fear
Or shame in the future
Yet i accept a certain amount
Of upheaval inside
Whilst spiritual surgery takes place
Before the truth is revealed
And the healing takes place
Today i couldnt get up
I couldnt enjoy a lay in
I coulnt enjoy
I couldnt enjoy
I did sit and wrote
About my shame
Its all self will
Yet i have to get this stuff out
It cannot be allowed to sit
And fester inside for any longer
I need to keep getting it out
And at some point start to pray!
The thing about being a christian
Is that i now believe
In satan aswell as God
And i just read today that
Child abuse is the work of satan
If you want to break the world
Abuse children & they're likely to grow
To be broken adults
Stats are never true for abuse
Yet its scary that satan has his
Hand on so many, so young
And we remain silent hurting
For so long, alone,
Cuts off the relationship
Cuts off fellowship
It makes sense
Child abuse is the work of satan
Healing is done by God
I did finish wallpapering
I have made a decision
To do no more til
After i have at least packed
For my holiday :)
I just found out there are
Wild dolphins around already this year!!
Flippin awesome
I am telling you its a magical place
I cant wait !!
From early meetings
Just get it past your teeth
I find it so hard to
Get words past my teeth
And words off the ends of my fingers
Through a keyboard
I feel shame
I feel deep shame
And its sad because
I didn't really know this
Until just recently
Why not?
Because i haven't looked
Hard enough
Or spent time
Considering it because
O know its not my fault
So why feel shame?
See self knowledge does not
Stop the shame
It simply rationalises it
Deep shame
Sadness that it is inside of me
Compassion for me, all of me
Fear of rejection
Fear of finding out the truth
Fear of reality
I have had some clarity
Which separates out two areas
Which has made a difference
I think
One is not dependent on the other
Both need treating independantly
Both with respect
Yet neither must be allowed
To breed new fear
Or shame in the future
Yet i accept a certain amount
Of upheaval inside
Whilst spiritual surgery takes place
Before the truth is revealed
And the healing takes place
Today i couldnt get up
I couldnt enjoy a lay in
I coulnt enjoy
I couldnt enjoy
I did sit and wrote
About my shame
Its all self will
Yet i have to get this stuff out
It cannot be allowed to sit
And fester inside for any longer
I need to keep getting it out
And at some point start to pray!
The thing about being a christian
Is that i now believe
In satan aswell as God
And i just read today that
Child abuse is the work of satan
If you want to break the world
Abuse children & they're likely to grow
To be broken adults
Stats are never true for abuse
Yet its scary that satan has his
Hand on so many, so young
And we remain silent hurting
For so long, alone,
Cuts off the relationship
Cuts off fellowship
It makes sense
Child abuse is the work of satan
Healing is done by God
I did finish wallpapering
I have made a decision
To do no more til
After i have at least packed
For my holiday :)
I just found out there are
Wild dolphins around already this year!!
Flippin awesome
I am telling you its a magical place
I cant wait !!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Books
I was glad to fund the courage to go to a christian bookshop and ask for refences with scripture. They had a good selection in the healing section. Whilst "The Courage to Heal" gave me identification, it was too hardwork and very text book. I needed
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing
its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true
education - information = change = healing :)
Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool)
Learning to trust again - christa sands
Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought
Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)
Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin
Craving for love - briar whitehead
My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17
Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman
Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)
The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction &
Difficult behaviour
Edited by brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)
Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King
The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing
its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true
education - information = change = healing :)
Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool)
Learning to trust again - christa sands
Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought
Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)
Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin
Craving for love - briar whitehead
My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17
Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman
Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)
The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction &
Difficult behaviour
Edited by brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)
Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King
The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Step 1 ...Predictably
I am angry
because i am confused
i am relieved
i have some clarity
i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one
i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out
i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered
i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out
i feel angry
this still requires sorting
i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future
i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one
i am impatient
and want to explore
i am afraid
of self will
i want
yet i daren't
even speak it
i need yet
i daren't ask for it
to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable
yet its what i have
become used to
i dont want to
now
i want to
at least discuss
i want to be able to ask for
without fear
to thine own self be true
i want to stand up
and be who i am
at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely
i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human
yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
responsibility
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out
productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion
because i am confused
i am relieved
i have some clarity
i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one
i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out
i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered
i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out
i feel angry
this still requires sorting
i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future
i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one
i am impatient
and want to explore
i am afraid
of self will
i want
yet i daren't
even speak it
i need yet
i daren't ask for it
to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable
yet its what i have
become used to
i dont want to
now
i want to
at least discuss
i want to be able to ask for
without fear
to thine own self be true
i want to stand up
and be who i am
at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely
i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human
yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
responsibility
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out
productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion
Step 1 .... More about
Step 1
Vagueness
Write
Random thoughts
Old ideas
Lies
My truth
Is a lie
I believe a lie
I have been living a lie
Without knowing
I have been in the grip
Of another persons truth
Or is it my own skewed perception
Over years of not knowing
What or why
And not understanding
Any of it
What or why
Sick as secrets
Sick as lies
Sick of feeling choked
Sick of holding my breath
Sick of splitting
Sick of attaching
Sick of fantasy because i dont know how not to
Sick of looking for control
Sick of manipulating passively
Sick of feeling less than
Sick if feeling abnormal
Sick of avoiding
Sick of laughing it off through gritted teeth
Sick of feeling sick
Cyclical thinking
Also i know this is one area to work on
At the moment
To put it in perspective
I lead a very full and healthy life
Much joy and freedom
And this area is not
Stopping me taking part
I serve and i receive joy
I do Gods will alot as possible
This is is an area which
god will help me with
This is something which
I need
His help with
I need God
And support in fellowship
And from myself
Willingness openminded honesty
Humility anylength
Its an opportunity for growth
To see God work a miracle
For me to be better for
Someone else
And glorify God
Hand in hand with the
Spirit of the universe
Holy spirit
Come upon me :)
Vagueness
Write
Random thoughts
Old ideas
Lies
My truth
Is a lie
I believe a lie
I have been living a lie
Without knowing
I have been in the grip
Of another persons truth
Or is it my own skewed perception
Over years of not knowing
What or why
And not understanding
Any of it
What or why
Sick as secrets
Sick as lies
Sick of feeling choked
Sick of holding my breath
Sick of splitting
Sick of attaching
Sick of fantasy because i dont know how not to
Sick of looking for control
Sick of manipulating passively
Sick of feeling less than
Sick if feeling abnormal
Sick of avoiding
Sick of laughing it off through gritted teeth
Sick of feeling sick
Cyclical thinking
Also i know this is one area to work on
At the moment
To put it in perspective
I lead a very full and healthy life
Much joy and freedom
And this area is not
Stopping me taking part
I serve and i receive joy
I do Gods will alot as possible
This is is an area which
god will help me with
This is something which
I need
His help with
I need God
And support in fellowship
And from myself
Willingness openminded honesty
Humility anylength
Its an opportunity for growth
To see God work a miracle
For me to be better for
Someone else
And glorify God
Hand in hand with the
Spirit of the universe
Holy spirit
Come upon me :)
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Step 1
I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will
Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith
I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening
This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong
That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment
I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable
What?
I need not stay like this
Do i want to stay like this?
No
Are you willing to go
to any length?
Yes
How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray
ok
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will
Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith
I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening
This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong
That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment
I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable
What?
I need not stay like this
Do i want to stay like this?
No
Are you willing to go
to any length?
Yes
How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray
ok
Monday, May 24, 2010
Dear Johno
Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes-absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70
Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)
pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you
paint
put yourself to good use
service
newcomers
hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
acceptance
it is how it is
my will for the time being
preparation
:(
johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours
sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else
i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really
faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...
And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70
Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)
pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you
paint
put yourself to good use
service
newcomers
hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
acceptance
it is how it is
my will for the time being
preparation
:(
johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours
sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else
i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really
faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...
And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Step 10's
I need to do some
more often
i need a holiday
or i am becoming less selfcrestrained
or i an opening my mouth to quickly
or am am not wanting to let go
or am baffled
or i am carrying to much stuff
on my mind
unnecessary
and feeling
like its because i have a lot on
well maybe i do
2 weeks to holuday
and i want perfection
before i go
its not too much to ask
or expect is it?
Haha... A natural feeling
yet i think i am
busier than usual
exempt from being
asked to do anything
extra voluntary!!!
Dont they know who i am!!
And how precious my time is??
And how i choose what i do
you dont give it me!!
And espdcually when
me myself and i had
made plans in the sun
HALT
i was very tired
and didnt realise how tired i was
still did it
made mustakes
acxepted grace
gracefully
still got some sun
and now
step 10'd
i need divine
guidance
on several issues
i need to withdraw
and pray
specifically
earnestly
honestly
more often
i need a holiday
or i am becoming less selfcrestrained
or i an opening my mouth to quickly
or am am not wanting to let go
or am baffled
or i am carrying to much stuff
on my mind
unnecessary
and feeling
like its because i have a lot on
well maybe i do
2 weeks to holuday
and i want perfection
before i go
its not too much to ask
or expect is it?
Haha... A natural feeling
yet i think i am
busier than usual
exempt from being
asked to do anything
extra voluntary!!!
Dont they know who i am!!
And how precious my time is??
And how i choose what i do
you dont give it me!!
And espdcually when
me myself and i had
made plans in the sun
HALT
i was very tired
and didnt realise how tired i was
still did it
made mustakes
acxepted grace
gracefully
still got some sun
and now
step 10'd
i need divine
guidance
on several issues
i need to withdraw
and pray
specifically
earnestly
honestly
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Self obsessed 100%
Seems when i was drinking
i was continually playing over
the day
the week
the hour
the past
the future
the present
coulda woulda shoulda
and living in continual
guilt and fear
never communicating
never asking for help
just trying
to figure out
why it happened
and what to do
now
i am doing lots of good stuff
praying
living in the
present mostly
letting go so much better
accepting grace better
loving others
serving god
yet still i find time
to think about myself
what you thinks
what he she thinks
whats next
all at the same time
yet i dont worry about
all of that or live it like before
i dont sit for hours wondering
it comes in and goes out
i take what i need
and reject the rest
i do life while this chattering goes on
and much of the time
i can let it go, pass on through
yet there are a few
that even though i suffer for it
i hang onto just for so called fun
yet they keep me in the bondage
apparantly non alkys
are like this aswell
the ones that dont
are either on something
or numb
or lying
or have better things to do
than even think about all this!!
i was continually playing over
the day
the week
the hour
the past
the future
the present
coulda woulda shoulda
and living in continual
guilt and fear
never communicating
never asking for help
just trying
to figure out
why it happened
and what to do
now
i am doing lots of good stuff
praying
living in the
present mostly
letting go so much better
accepting grace better
loving others
serving god
yet still i find time
to think about myself
what you thinks
what he she thinks
whats next
all at the same time
yet i dont worry about
all of that or live it like before
i dont sit for hours wondering
it comes in and goes out
i take what i need
and reject the rest
i do life while this chattering goes on
and much of the time
i can let it go, pass on through
yet there are a few
that even though i suffer for it
i hang onto just for so called fun
yet they keep me in the bondage
apparantly non alkys
are like this aswell
the ones that dont
are either on something
or numb
or lying
or have better things to do
than even think about all this!!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Nothing wrong ....
All 3 samples negatuve
which means nothing wrong
just breathing tests
in a week ir so
test for asthma and the like
no big deal thesedays
i need to stop worrying
stop worrying
buzarrely i spoke with someone today
who is getting medication
to calm his worrying
its called anti depressants !!
See i hadnt put the two togetger
i am not going to take a pill
to stop me worrying
i need to grow out of it
or gradually ditch it
and fill tge hole with faith
it has been said that i worry
less thesedays
and not suprisingly
my faith is stronger
so hoping that
the more fauthful i become
the kess of a worrier
i will be
god has never given me anything
i cant handle so far
with him, in fellowship
so i will keep on
keeping on
til we are done
lay in tomorrow
and off to vets in afternoon
cat has ear mites again
and his annual well man check
and jabs :)
that means i have had him a year
or is it that he had me for a year? :)
he still purrs his head off when he sees me
before and after food
he still lays around purring randomly
he still hoots and miaows
and i still hae no idea what he's on about
he puts up with his no set meal times
i put up with his hairs!!
we get in fine
i love him :)
he is a grateful cat
and i am grateful for his personality
its perfect
which means nothing wrong
just breathing tests
in a week ir so
test for asthma and the like
no big deal thesedays
i need to stop worrying
stop worrying
buzarrely i spoke with someone today
who is getting medication
to calm his worrying
its called anti depressants !!
See i hadnt put the two togetger
i am not going to take a pill
to stop me worrying
i need to grow out of it
or gradually ditch it
and fill tge hole with faith
it has been said that i worry
less thesedays
and not suprisingly
my faith is stronger
so hoping that
the more fauthful i become
the kess of a worrier
i will be
god has never given me anything
i cant handle so far
with him, in fellowship
so i will keep on
keeping on
til we are done
lay in tomorrow
and off to vets in afternoon
cat has ear mites again
and his annual well man check
and jabs :)
that means i have had him a year
or is it that he had me for a year? :)
he still purrs his head off when he sees me
before and after food
he still lays around purring randomly
he still hoots and miaows
and i still hae no idea what he's on about
he puts up with his no set meal times
i put up with his hairs!!
we get in fine
i love him :)
he is a grateful cat
and i am grateful for his personality
its perfect
Thursday, May 13, 2010
As sick as your secrets
As Sick as your secrets
There is something about
Having and doing samples
Brings out dishonesty
Pride ad a certain amount of
Arrogance, and fear!!
Dishonesty in that i want
To eat/drink only good atuff
While i am giving samples
Pride what will they think of me
When they see it? Test it?
They will know how i live
They will know the real me
Paranoia because really
Thesedays i eat and drink
Better than many and
Not aswell as some
I have nothing to hide
But i can improve :)
Arrogance in thinking
I know what they are looking
For in the tests
I know how to manipulate
My intake to have a good test
Yet what the heck do i know?
Head, why do you want to
Manipulate?
I want it straight!!
Fear in that i could have gone
Earlier and dropped of all samples
But was afraid and went back to bed
Put it off ... so sloth aswell
Yet ignorance is not bliss
Sloth does hold termites
That eat away at all the good work
All the progress
Brings up today... Fear
And a feeling of guilt
That i could have gone
To work earlier
Further dishonesty
Defects are a pain in the ass!!
I will be only as
Sick as the secrets my body
Holds onto
Which is why i need
Experts to uncover the mysteries
The skeletons lurking!! :)
Also i am suffering
Analysis paralysis
And need to stop
Composing blog posts
It keeps me in victim
Drama queen mode..
See i could get a call today
To say all clear!!
Then it would be simply
A virus
Reallu busy this afternoon
No time to think!
Called GP
Results not ready, call again friday
After 11am
No physical pains today!!
Going out for dinner this eve
Older couple at church
Returning my invite
A few months ago
Nice :)
There is something about
Having and doing samples
Brings out dishonesty
Pride ad a certain amount of
Arrogance, and fear!!
Dishonesty in that i want
To eat/drink only good atuff
While i am giving samples
Pride what will they think of me
When they see it? Test it?
They will know how i live
They will know the real me
Paranoia because really
Thesedays i eat and drink
Better than many and
Not aswell as some
I have nothing to hide
But i can improve :)
Arrogance in thinking
I know what they are looking
For in the tests
I know how to manipulate
My intake to have a good test
Yet what the heck do i know?
Head, why do you want to
Manipulate?
I want it straight!!
Fear in that i could have gone
Earlier and dropped of all samples
But was afraid and went back to bed
Put it off ... so sloth aswell
Yet ignorance is not bliss
Sloth does hold termites
That eat away at all the good work
All the progress
Brings up today... Fear
And a feeling of guilt
That i could have gone
To work earlier
Further dishonesty
Defects are a pain in the ass!!
I will be only as
Sick as the secrets my body
Holds onto
Which is why i need
Experts to uncover the mysteries
The skeletons lurking!! :)
Also i am suffering
Analysis paralysis
And need to stop
Composing blog posts
It keeps me in victim
Drama queen mode..
See i could get a call today
To say all clear!!
Then it would be simply
A virus
Reallu busy this afternoon
No time to think!
Called GP
Results not ready, call again friday
After 11am
No physical pains today!!
Going out for dinner this eve
Older couple at church
Returning my invite
A few months ago
Nice :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Money and spreadsheets
Even though i have worked in the
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored
same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does
makes me sleep
note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)
Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)
good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored
same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does
makes me sleep
note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)
Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)
good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?
mental Physical stuff today
Yeh i am interested in how my mind
and body work... Or dont work :)
is it my imagination or
is my kidney/abdomen area
hurting this evening? Hehe
the mind has a mind of its own
more water
more water
i sometimes wonder
if because i am asked questions
regarding my body workings
it then kind of gives me permission
to acknowledge sonethinga is going on
like the pain
or gives my imagination a crack
at creating a pain which is
all centred in the mind??
i thought it was hip pain
or lower back
now he mentions kidney
i think kidney
i wonder how neurotic i will become
around health issues...
Its a given that the more
i mix with people
the more i will hear health issues
it made me laugh how as soon
as i get given a diagnosis
many people offered a suggestion
advice, yet not many followed the
same advice they had been given
in a diaciplined fashiom
i have to be real
The best GP yesterday said
he would not be getting excited
about my cholestrol level or anemia level
even if it stayed as is and escalated over
10 year period with fanily history
he still would not get excited
its goiod to look at diet again
throw out some stuff
add some things in
cut down, step up
yet i need not get neurotic
not overanalyse
and stop thinking about my
physocal health 24/7
whats the word?
Oh yeh
an obsession!!
God help me!!
Mentally this evening
i had a fleeting
oh well if i have effin cancer
and am gonna die
then who gives a c4@9
if i eat chocolate at midnight
who cares if my sample
in the
morning has cadburys in it?
Really what does it matter
4 chuncks of dairy milk
?
So i am not perfect
i am afraid of letting go of the reigns
to another human
yet i have home group members
who light the path in front of me
only by weeks
and set me an example
as i said beforw
i dont want to die
not yet
i feel like i have too much life
running through my bones
(robbie williams)
not going to waste
but it would e a waste
to go any time now
thank you for your comments
i have no idea either
how anyone does it
without a LOVING God
i certainly couldnt have faith
in just any old HP
has to be loving and want
me happy joyeous & free
and gives me jobs to do :)
and body work... Or dont work :)
is it my imagination or
is my kidney/abdomen area
hurting this evening? Hehe
the mind has a mind of its own
more water
more water
i sometimes wonder
if because i am asked questions
regarding my body workings
it then kind of gives me permission
to acknowledge sonethinga is going on
like the pain
or gives my imagination a crack
at creating a pain which is
all centred in the mind??
i thought it was hip pain
or lower back
now he mentions kidney
i think kidney
i wonder how neurotic i will become
around health issues...
Its a given that the more
i mix with people
the more i will hear health issues
it made me laugh how as soon
as i get given a diagnosis
many people offered a suggestion
advice, yet not many followed the
same advice they had been given
in a diaciplined fashiom
i have to be real
The best GP yesterday said
he would not be getting excited
about my cholestrol level or anemia level
even if it stayed as is and escalated over
10 year period with fanily history
he still would not get excited
its goiod to look at diet again
throw out some stuff
add some things in
cut down, step up
yet i need not get neurotic
not overanalyse
and stop thinking about my
physocal health 24/7
whats the word?
Oh yeh
an obsession!!
God help me!!
Mentally this evening
i had a fleeting
oh well if i have effin cancer
and am gonna die
then who gives a c4@9
if i eat chocolate at midnight
who cares if my sample
in the
morning has cadburys in it?
Really what does it matter
4 chuncks of dairy milk
?
So i am not perfect
i am afraid of letting go of the reigns
to another human
yet i have home group members
who light the path in front of me
only by weeks
and set me an example
as i said beforw
i dont want to die
not yet
i feel like i have too much life
running through my bones
(robbie williams)
not going to waste
but it would e a waste
to go any time now
thank you for your comments
i have no idea either
how anyone does it
without a LOVING God
i certainly couldnt have faith
in just any old HP
has to be loving and want
me happy joyeous & free
and gives me jobs to do :)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Its true service keeps you sober sane and serene :)
Just done another session
with youth group at church
8-13 year olds
not sure how old the little guys are
but we are settling in fine
much laughter and getting to know names
and playing together
table football
mini table tennis
cards
throwing soft ball arond
indoor skittles
pool
mispent youth has payed off
yet eyesight and reflexes not whatbthy were
much laughter
we have a couple of retired women too
one had never played table football
in her life... Until tonight :)
she even managed to dig me in the
kidneys with her goalie haha!!
Such lengths people go to to win ;)
renaming tuesday eve's 7-8 happy hour
i have never worked with kids
an hour is enough for now
its simple relationship building
i love the opportunities i have been given
doors open
i have said before
i am lucky to be alive
i am lucky to ha e been given the tools
which work on my mental spiritual health
if i died tomorrow (which i dont plan too)
i have had an amazing 6.75 years
no i am not being morbid
i just feel like i have worked hard
surrended
and chose to comply with
a life of service
and its brought me joy
even in the face of advsersity
i feel really blessed
i want to do more
i want to grow old
i want to be a witness to
what God can do
i want to live to be 120 :D
a design for living
even in rough going
with youth group at church
8-13 year olds
not sure how old the little guys are
but we are settling in fine
much laughter and getting to know names
and playing together
table football
mini table tennis
cards
throwing soft ball arond
indoor skittles
pool
mispent youth has payed off
yet eyesight and reflexes not whatbthy were
much laughter
we have a couple of retired women too
one had never played table football
in her life... Until tonight :)
she even managed to dig me in the
kidneys with her goalie haha!!
Such lengths people go to to win ;)
renaming tuesday eve's 7-8 happy hour
i have never worked with kids
an hour is enough for now
its simple relationship building
i love the opportunities i have been given
doors open
i have said before
i am lucky to be alive
i am lucky to ha e been given the tools
which work on my mental spiritual health
if i died tomorrow (which i dont plan too)
i have had an amazing 6.75 years
no i am not being morbid
i just feel like i have worked hard
surrended
and chose to comply with
a life of service
and its brought me joy
even in the face of advsersity
i feel really blessed
i want to do more
i want to grow old
i want to be a witness to
what God can do
i want to live to be 120 :D
a design for living
even in rough going
Love
Is not about fixing
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth
not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
absolutely
anylengths
is not hiding
avoiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real
i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth
not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
absolutely
anylengths
is not hiding
avoiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real
i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love
Monday, May 10, 2010
Its just a moment this time will pass
Its interesting how i and other behave
work colleagues and manager
very supportive
health is first
church friends
all pray or me
sponsor
there, reminding me
keep it in the day
be of service
no predicting
think of others
i dont know that there is anything wrong
praying for me
doctor
do more samples
we will send to lab if positive
they will test
and if so i will need to then go
fir further tests
chest xray clear
no apparant reason for cough
who knows!!
Only God at the moment
stayed at churvh after doctor
they were guitarless
so i chipped in
it helped me get out of my mind
and helped them
they prayed for me
and showed their love
its something i am beginning
to really appreciate
i used to envy close families
yet not envy that in your face stuff
yet my church family is real
its loving when i need it
yet not co dependent
not manopilatuve
not like blood families
like here if you need
the love is real
i got the love
i need to see me through :)
work colleagues and manager
very supportive
health is first
church friends
all pray or me
sponsor
there, reminding me
keep it in the day
be of service
no predicting
think of others
i dont know that there is anything wrong
praying for me
doctor
do more samples
we will send to lab if positive
they will test
and if so i will need to then go
fir further tests
chest xray clear
no apparant reason for cough
who knows!!
Only God at the moment
stayed at churvh after doctor
they were guitarless
so i chipped in
it helped me get out of my mind
and helped them
they prayed for me
and showed their love
its something i am beginning
to really appreciate
i used to envy close families
yet not envy that in your face stuff
yet my church family is real
its loving when i need it
yet not co dependent
not manopilatuve
not like blood families
like here if you need
the love is real
i got the love
i need to see me through :)
Friday to Monday - exyraordinary
Exellent day friday
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)
Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Shopped
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol
Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible
I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Bottle
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really
dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Abnormal
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...
Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
She
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that
She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
that is at the surgery
For this evening
Remarkable
Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
Moment
She picked up
Remarkable
And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp
I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me
Remarkeable
I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.
After letting it go 3 times
Praying
Crying
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)
Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Shopped
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol
Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible
I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Bottle
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really
dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Abnormal
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...
Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
She
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that
She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
that is at the surgery
For this evening
Remarkable
Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
Moment
She picked up
Remarkable
And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp
I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me
Remarkeable
I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.
After letting it go 3 times
Praying
Crying
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Prison service rocks !!
I havent done prison service for ages
geographicallly its completely
opposite direction for me to get home!!
Yet i do it !!
Service keeps me sober
step 12
the guys are so grateful
i got excited last night
because i was going
into wandsworth prison
unheard of
not even a glimmer of a thought
7 years ago
God has awesome plans
i am grateful for every opportunity
to go in and feel the prison
right in its heart
you have to do it
AA has taken me places
internally and externally
i could only have imagined
thank you God
geographicallly its completely
opposite direction for me to get home!!
Yet i do it !!
Service keeps me sober
step 12
the guys are so grateful
i got excited last night
because i was going
into wandsworth prison
unheard of
not even a glimmer of a thought
7 years ago
God has awesome plans
i am grateful for every opportunity
to go in and feel the prison
right in its heart
you have to do it
AA has taken me places
internally and externally
i could only have imagined
thank you God
Monday, April 12, 2010
You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbour as thy self" p153
To thine own self be true
be youself, not what other people want, expect you to be
Be a realist
not am optimist or a pesimist.
Everyday...
Accept what you can't change,
chnage what you can
And pray for what you need
Needs not wants will be satisfied.
Ask for what you want if you like,
if you don't get it
it's not because you are being punished
God (as I understand Him)doesn't punish
It's either because you aren't meant to have, now, never or because something better is on it's way :)
I needed a relationship with God first
I would not have been ready for a man before I have right relationship wi God. I also really had No idea
what an ideal relationship was
Not up close like i see them now
This last 18 months I have hung around many loving relationships
that have what I want.
It is possible & I have an idea how now. I also know the wives
I will be able to talk to when I need to talk about my husband or
check I am on the right track!!
Abit like old timers in AA
it's hard to be patient..
When you have no idea whether
A partner mate is on the horizon
Or not!!
It's the character building stuff
12x12 talks about
For about the first 5 years
I have been getting well within AA
No way did I have capacity ability
Mental physical spiritual stability
To offer equal or any semblance
Of how it really is to commit to
A long term relationship 24/7
I really had no idea
The 13 year relationship I had before
Was based on fear, desparation
Guilt, shame, loneliness
A feeling if freakiness
This is all I deserved
This is all I was capable was
And perhaps.... The last statement
Was true
It's taken hard work but it's only in the last 18months or so
That I feel like I have passed for normal whatever that is
That I could do a relationship
And still I choose to make friends
My intuition and what I see an want
Is someone that I find within
My own community
Who knows it may e where I am now
It may be an aa, it may be in my
Church network
I believe it will be the best when it comes :)
And I am still changeing
Getting better all the time
Never perfect yet at times
Feeling part of perfect moments
In AA I have been encouraged to
Go for Gold
The best
Aim for prefection
Settle for exellence/brilliance
Etc etc
The homegroup I am at
I consider the best
Otherwise why am I going?
The friends I have in my life
Thesedays are the best
(best because they are themselves
Let me be myself, all imperfect)
Work colleage relationships are
Best because I am learning to let the be just that, work colleagues
My church is the best
My cat is just brilliant
My sobriety is amazing
The spiritual toolkit is perfect
God is just perfect
Relationships are it
God is Love perfect Love
not vindictive, punishing or vengeful
He doesn't score points
He always forgives
always wipes the slate clean everytime
he loves us each individually equally he wants the best for us/you
He will only give us
What we can handle on any given day. He Will not give us anything today that we cannot handle
We just have to accept
work with god,
let him work with you
Friendships are relatoonships.
Which need a spiritual toolkit to maintain
I believe that we have been given fellows at homegriups
To turn up week after week and love, forgive, tolerate,
Excersize honest, willing, openmindedness, humility, encourage, share, listen, keep quiet, tell the truth, empathise, love, make mistakes with, make amends to, say sorry, say I love you, laugh with cry with, trust, grow up with. Grow old with.
We the use the same tools in making friends outside AA
finding community outside is like finding a homegriups, we all have slightly diferent needs.
Maybe try other peoples homegriups and make it your own or start your own or find another when you find your feet.
It all takes work
then you get to now your friends
and use the tools learnt previously.
The difference is that these new friends are not alkys
However they are are undoubtedly
Imperfect just like me/you
And very likely undisciplined
And very likely to be unaware of
What exactly drives them
On a daily basis
Except as I hang around my church more and get involved I see how
When Love true Christian Love
Not the authority, judgemental
Hypocritical power driven pretense
I mean real deep set love for one and other, giving of time, heart, mind
It is beautiful to be a part of
Not all churches are like that
it's imprssive to see exactly how they do it seemingly without effort and with effort.
Salvation army is full of love
you only have to see some of the comments on facebook
nearly all comments are
Salvation army friends thesedays :)
Its no coincidence salvationa army
Was founded by a couple of christians
To church the alcoholics, addicts
Mentally ill, poor, theives, etc
Those not accepted by other churches
I love salvation army as a church people are down to earth
Respectful, Encouraging, fun loving, everything I am looking for.
Except for money and status, there is no ego or greed. Is humility and encouragement for the each other an love for those that need.
Service is key which is why salvation army's slogan is 'belief in action' :)
There are the politics, red tape and
Old fashioned traditions which
Some I think came out of the ark...
And I have no idea whether I will get
Rejected at any hurdle
But I may aswell try an see what happens, it will improve me if nothing else :)
The last 14 years in finance
Has had plenty of ego driven rubbish
To sift through, sitting infront of a pc crunching numbers Is not where my future lies I don't think!
I needed a personal relationship with
God
Big book says make use of books and people
My path has gone like this
If you want to get a personal relationship with God
get to know Jesus,
I do
It was suggested to me
to read The gospel Luke
I did and I have :)
it was a bit like Reading big book at first, paragraph at a time,
ReReading it Because it doesn't go in
not getting it, being inspired,
all the same stuff, dufferent book
it helps sitting in services/meetings hearing the message
brought to life be our pastor
And other sermons I hear
and living in community with my church and seeing them walk the walk.
And those who just talk the talk
Or play in the band
Very like AA except it's not anonymous
I can talk about this amazing love
I have been given and all the opportuniy and not break any anonymity :)
see if I didn't know jesus
then church wouldnt be any different to Aa really god wise
God would just be something that I would have to pray to alone,
my idea of god, in isolation
In church I can get to know god with others :) the same god, a loving god, who wants us to live each other, communicate,
live in community,
be ourselves and be with others.
Love thy neighbour as thy self - big book- vision for you p153
Love you neighbour as yourself - bible Mark 12:31
be youself, not what other people want, expect you to be
Be a realist
not am optimist or a pesimist.
Everyday...
Accept what you can't change,
chnage what you can
And pray for what you need
Needs not wants will be satisfied.
Ask for what you want if you like,
if you don't get it
it's not because you are being punished
God (as I understand Him)doesn't punish
It's either because you aren't meant to have, now, never or because something better is on it's way :)
I needed a relationship with God first
I would not have been ready for a man before I have right relationship wi God. I also really had No idea
what an ideal relationship was
Not up close like i see them now
This last 18 months I have hung around many loving relationships
that have what I want.
It is possible & I have an idea how now. I also know the wives
I will be able to talk to when I need to talk about my husband or
check I am on the right track!!
Abit like old timers in AA
it's hard to be patient..
When you have no idea whether
A partner mate is on the horizon
Or not!!
It's the character building stuff
12x12 talks about
For about the first 5 years
I have been getting well within AA
No way did I have capacity ability
Mental physical spiritual stability
To offer equal or any semblance
Of how it really is to commit to
A long term relationship 24/7
I really had no idea
The 13 year relationship I had before
Was based on fear, desparation
Guilt, shame, loneliness
A feeling if freakiness
This is all I deserved
This is all I was capable was
And perhaps.... The last statement
Was true
It's taken hard work but it's only in the last 18months or so
That I feel like I have passed for normal whatever that is
That I could do a relationship
And still I choose to make friends
My intuition and what I see an want
Is someone that I find within
My own community
Who knows it may e where I am now
It may be an aa, it may be in my
Church network
I believe it will be the best when it comes :)
And I am still changeing
Getting better all the time
Never perfect yet at times
Feeling part of perfect moments
In AA I have been encouraged to
Go for Gold
The best
Aim for prefection
Settle for exellence/brilliance
Etc etc
The homegroup I am at
I consider the best
Otherwise why am I going?
The friends I have in my life
Thesedays are the best
(best because they are themselves
Let me be myself, all imperfect)
Work colleage relationships are
Best because I am learning to let the be just that, work colleagues
My church is the best
My cat is just brilliant
My sobriety is amazing
The spiritual toolkit is perfect
God is just perfect
Relationships are it
God is Love perfect Love
not vindictive, punishing or vengeful
He doesn't score points
He always forgives
always wipes the slate clean everytime
he loves us each individually equally he wants the best for us/you
He will only give us
What we can handle on any given day. He Will not give us anything today that we cannot handle
We just have to accept
work with god,
let him work with you
Friendships are relatoonships.
Which need a spiritual toolkit to maintain
I believe that we have been given fellows at homegriups
To turn up week after week and love, forgive, tolerate,
Excersize honest, willing, openmindedness, humility, encourage, share, listen, keep quiet, tell the truth, empathise, love, make mistakes with, make amends to, say sorry, say I love you, laugh with cry with, trust, grow up with. Grow old with.
We the use the same tools in making friends outside AA
finding community outside is like finding a homegriups, we all have slightly diferent needs.
Maybe try other peoples homegriups and make it your own or start your own or find another when you find your feet.
It all takes work
then you get to now your friends
and use the tools learnt previously.
The difference is that these new friends are not alkys
However they are are undoubtedly
Imperfect just like me/you
And very likely undisciplined
And very likely to be unaware of
What exactly drives them
On a daily basis
Except as I hang around my church more and get involved I see how
When Love true Christian Love
Not the authority, judgemental
Hypocritical power driven pretense
I mean real deep set love for one and other, giving of time, heart, mind
It is beautiful to be a part of
Not all churches are like that
it's imprssive to see exactly how they do it seemingly without effort and with effort.
Salvation army is full of love
you only have to see some of the comments on facebook
nearly all comments are
Salvation army friends thesedays :)
Its no coincidence salvationa army
Was founded by a couple of christians
To church the alcoholics, addicts
Mentally ill, poor, theives, etc
Those not accepted by other churches
I love salvation army as a church people are down to earth
Respectful, Encouraging, fun loving, everything I am looking for.
Except for money and status, there is no ego or greed. Is humility and encouragement for the each other an love for those that need.
Service is key which is why salvation army's slogan is 'belief in action' :)
There are the politics, red tape and
Old fashioned traditions which
Some I think came out of the ark...
And I have no idea whether I will get
Rejected at any hurdle
But I may aswell try an see what happens, it will improve me if nothing else :)
The last 14 years in finance
Has had plenty of ego driven rubbish
To sift through, sitting infront of a pc crunching numbers Is not where my future lies I don't think!
I needed a personal relationship with
God
Big book says make use of books and people
My path has gone like this
If you want to get a personal relationship with God
get to know Jesus,
I do
It was suggested to me
to read The gospel Luke
I did and I have :)
it was a bit like Reading big book at first, paragraph at a time,
ReReading it Because it doesn't go in
not getting it, being inspired,
all the same stuff, dufferent book
it helps sitting in services/meetings hearing the message
brought to life be our pastor
And other sermons I hear
and living in community with my church and seeing them walk the walk.
And those who just talk the talk
Or play in the band
Very like AA except it's not anonymous
I can talk about this amazing love
I have been given and all the opportuniy and not break any anonymity :)
see if I didn't know jesus
then church wouldnt be any different to Aa really god wise
God would just be something that I would have to pray to alone,
my idea of god, in isolation
In church I can get to know god with others :) the same god, a loving god, who wants us to live each other, communicate,
live in community,
be ourselves and be with others.
Love thy neighbour as thy self - big book- vision for you p153
Love you neighbour as yourself - bible Mark 12:31
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Quantitative Easing Explained - How the Economy Works..... An interesting bit if email spam
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough
times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a €100 Euro note on the reception
counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick
one.
The hotel proprietor takes the €100 Euro note and runs to pay his
debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to
the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt
to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the €100 Euro note and runs
to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times
gave her service on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the €100
Euro Note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she
rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the €100 Euro note back on the
counter so That the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the
rooms, and takes his €100 Euro note, after saying that he did not
like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the
future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States , United
Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough
times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a €100 Euro note on the reception
counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick
one.
The hotel proprietor takes the €100 Euro note and runs to pay his
debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to
the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt
to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the €100 Euro note and runs
to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times
gave her service on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the €100
Euro Note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she
rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the €100 Euro note back on the
counter so That the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the
rooms, and takes his €100 Euro note, after saying that he did not
like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the
future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States , United
Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Passing for normal
I read this from ifob
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2010/04/14-years-dead-in-week.html
and wrote this (and added some today)
I like meetings aswell,
unless I am grumpy,
although I am loving
making friends in other outside groups. I miss all the London meetings yet know it's my time at the moment to explore outside relations aswell.
I don't want to ever think
I don't need meetings.
It's an insult to the first 100 members I think!!
To get well and turn away entirely.
Would be like forgetting the person who donated an organ
and the surgeons and crew
that saved my life,
I hope it never happens.
Each to their own
but you have my permission
to kick my ass if i every become ungrateful or turn away entirely.
I always want to remain grateful, what I have is very precious,
no matter how dark
it sometimes appears.
The dark bits help me
appreciate the light more :)
I believe aswell that when I left London I had an idea of how to use 'the program' for all problems.
Yet I have learned
Am learning how to deal with issues, not that steps don't.
Steps help me to see what's th problem
realise and accept
I cannot solve it and dont need to splve it sufficiently alone,
Need and do seek help,
Need to write out what's blocking me accepting help or following suggestions then discuss it appropriately.
Then decide if I really want to
Change, take action, stop doing etcetc
Pray for gods imput, defect removal
Courage, help, Power etc
If haven't left it too long with my head in the sand,
dithering on the side
Its unlikely any harm has been done,
just a bit of time wasting.
I should then be in a position to move forward, sideways, backwards, upwards, any road up
armed with the best help,
Best process available at that moment likely outcomes, obstacles unearthed and prepared for and
defects etc rightsized.
Other people deal with issues like this.
Other people deal with issues without this, and better :)
There are many also who just haven't got a clue and like untreated alkys, flounder around causing havoc, despairing, frustrated and feeling hopeless.
I am lucky to be involved in a church which takes action and loves people
I feel blessed to see how people deal
With their own problems and others.
It's really giving me an insight in the spiritual toolkit and general tools of life that I really really haven't got!!
I have to pick them up everyday
They are not naturally part of me
I really would get it very wrong
Without them!!
It's inspiring just how people do it
Lifes joys and advrsity
Each are challenging
And each can bring on the need to run
Or shut it down
Instead of experienceing and getting to know it
And at the same time I, like you
Inspire others too
We all help each other
Flounderers and action takers
Step nazi's and fluffys
I feel like I have grown alot
In the last 18months
Become part of a community
Passed for normal
Whatever that is
My neighbours ask for things
I ask for stuff back
We swap keys
I am known around the neighbourhood
And I like it
I have no shame
Making friends on in all walks
Amazing what can happen when
You pray loads and follow
The dictates of someone elses higher power
And then when you have evidence
He becomes your Loving God too :)
On way to next to last bereavement course.
Very helpful to me
Am sure It will help
At somepoint someone else :)
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2010/04/14-years-dead-in-week.html
and wrote this (and added some today)
I like meetings aswell,
unless I am grumpy,
although I am loving
making friends in other outside groups. I miss all the London meetings yet know it's my time at the moment to explore outside relations aswell.
I don't want to ever think
I don't need meetings.
It's an insult to the first 100 members I think!!
To get well and turn away entirely.
Would be like forgetting the person who donated an organ
and the surgeons and crew
that saved my life,
I hope it never happens.
Each to their own
but you have my permission
to kick my ass if i every become ungrateful or turn away entirely.
I always want to remain grateful, what I have is very precious,
no matter how dark
it sometimes appears.
The dark bits help me
appreciate the light more :)
I believe aswell that when I left London I had an idea of how to use 'the program' for all problems.
Yet I have learned
Am learning how to deal with issues, not that steps don't.
Steps help me to see what's th problem
realise and accept
I cannot solve it and dont need to splve it sufficiently alone,
Need and do seek help,
Need to write out what's blocking me accepting help or following suggestions then discuss it appropriately.
Then decide if I really want to
Change, take action, stop doing etcetc
Pray for gods imput, defect removal
Courage, help, Power etc
If haven't left it too long with my head in the sand,
dithering on the side
Its unlikely any harm has been done,
just a bit of time wasting.
I should then be in a position to move forward, sideways, backwards, upwards, any road up
armed with the best help,
Best process available at that moment likely outcomes, obstacles unearthed and prepared for and
defects etc rightsized.
Other people deal with issues like this.
Other people deal with issues without this, and better :)
There are many also who just haven't got a clue and like untreated alkys, flounder around causing havoc, despairing, frustrated and feeling hopeless.
I am lucky to be involved in a church which takes action and loves people
I feel blessed to see how people deal
With their own problems and others.
It's really giving me an insight in the spiritual toolkit and general tools of life that I really really haven't got!!
I have to pick them up everyday
They are not naturally part of me
I really would get it very wrong
Without them!!
It's inspiring just how people do it
Lifes joys and advrsity
Each are challenging
And each can bring on the need to run
Or shut it down
Instead of experienceing and getting to know it
And at the same time I, like you
Inspire others too
We all help each other
Flounderers and action takers
Step nazi's and fluffys
I feel like I have grown alot
In the last 18months
Become part of a community
Passed for normal
Whatever that is
My neighbours ask for things
I ask for stuff back
We swap keys
I am known around the neighbourhood
And I like it
I have no shame
Making friends on in all walks
Amazing what can happen when
You pray loads and follow
The dictates of someone elses higher power
And then when you have evidence
He becomes your Loving God too :)
On way to next to last bereavement course.
Very helpful to me
Am sure It will help
At somepoint someone else :)
Monday, April 05, 2010
Much too much
I love my dad
I don't like his relatonship with money
I don't like my attitude to money either
I would like a happy medium
I used to be able to do many things
yet I am out if practice
and some basic stuff seems
such an effort
yet I an comparing myself aswell
with people with far more experience
years wise in these things
just being around them inspires me
aswell as deflates me
I have realised that I do not
want to live another 50 years
single
yet I do not want to jump into
intimacy through loneliness
desperation or outside influence
I love my aa home group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
I love my church group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
players take on diffrent roles
diffrent places on the stage
maybe changing from week
to week
all making up the whole
all important
yet dependant on no one
I feel a deep sadness
most days I can't seem to shake
yet I feel the joys so often and
have right attitudes
right relations all over the place
gods will is priority
I think I know what the problem is
and I am afraid it will be
my Achilles heel
that I don't want to be
who I am
that I can't be who what I want
to be
I need to resume
decent prayer and journal
time again
or steps 10,11
12 is happening naturally
in all my affairs
alkys will be put in my path
in gods time not mine
May, I'll try to do a prison service again
I know that my relationship
with god is the most important
after this weekend
I can see why
I love my father yet
I cannot rely on him
or his suggestion advice
or love or presecnce
in my life
hard to describe
but i keep having these
priority shifts
all feels like griowth
suppose I could take a rusk
and describe it as a series of
spiritual experiences
keep breathing
don't quit
turn up
keep on keeping on
have faith
pray
pray
listen
pray
:)
I don't like his relatonship with money
I don't like my attitude to money either
I would like a happy medium
I used to be able to do many things
yet I am out if practice
and some basic stuff seems
such an effort
yet I an comparing myself aswell
with people with far more experience
years wise in these things
just being around them inspires me
aswell as deflates me
I have realised that I do not
want to live another 50 years
single
yet I do not want to jump into
intimacy through loneliness
desperation or outside influence
I love my aa home group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
I love my church group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
players take on diffrent roles
diffrent places on the stage
maybe changing from week
to week
all making up the whole
all important
yet dependant on no one
I feel a deep sadness
most days I can't seem to shake
yet I feel the joys so often and
have right attitudes
right relations all over the place
gods will is priority
I think I know what the problem is
and I am afraid it will be
my Achilles heel
that I don't want to be
who I am
that I can't be who what I want
to be
I need to resume
decent prayer and journal
time again
or steps 10,11
12 is happening naturally
in all my affairs
alkys will be put in my path
in gods time not mine
May, I'll try to do a prison service again
I know that my relationship
with god is the most important
after this weekend
I can see why
I love my father yet
I cannot rely on him
or his suggestion advice
or love or presecnce
in my life
hard to describe
but i keep having these
priority shifts
all feels like griowth
suppose I could take a rusk
and describe it as a series of
spiritual experiences
keep breathing
don't quit
turn up
keep on keeping on
have faith
pray
pray
listen
pray
:)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Pray, forgive, ask for what you want
This relationships issue from a few posts back
I needed to jeep forgiving
forgiving myself for the person that I was
forgiving the person for who they are
forgiving them for a part of them
which I find hard to accept
because I find it easy
and I am umpatient
ump patient is about right!!
I lice te typos sometimes :)
impatient that I want communication back
asquickly and as indepth as I try to
there is so much vagueness around
and as I found out from my own vagueness
it's usually a pride issue
either I want to hold something back
because u want you to be brholdent to me
or I want you to think I have special knowledge!
Or I am afraid if what you will think if me
or I have no idea how to respond
because I am full of emotion and need to step-10
or I daren't say I don't know
incase you think badly f me
as I say pride
yet mostly I seem to be able to be
honest around most things
pride generally doesn't stop me opening my mouth
or worrying about what you think of me
I have reaped the rewards over and over
of telling the truth
appropriate
to the right person
except when to do so would injure...
Or I am gossipping
or scoring points
I am not perfect
at least I know mostly when these are
around and deal with it
anyway I saw the truth this week
I forgave you for shortcomings
and told the truth
I was prepared for rejection
and losing someone special
it didn't happen
I feel like it's more equal
it wasn't about me
other people have defects
other people even spiritually fit people
have Achilles heels
something glaring which needs real hard work
to reign in of level out
or patience, and tolerance by those around
like me
just like others do for my Achilles heels
any way
spring has sprung
I have dad and significant other
coming down for Easter
and I am nearly ready :)
I am knackered with decorating
yet realising it don't matter for them
yet I want it as nice as it can be
because when they are gone
I will reap the rewards
pride an act in my favour sometimes
I am ready to share my life with someone
well to share the chores!! Haha
I needed to jeep forgiving
forgiving myself for the person that I was
forgiving the person for who they are
forgiving them for a part of them
which I find hard to accept
because I find it easy
and I am umpatient
ump patient is about right!!
I lice te typos sometimes :)
impatient that I want communication back
asquickly and as indepth as I try to
there is so much vagueness around
and as I found out from my own vagueness
it's usually a pride issue
either I want to hold something back
because u want you to be brholdent to me
or I want you to think I have special knowledge!
Or I am afraid if what you will think if me
or I have no idea how to respond
because I am full of emotion and need to step-10
or I daren't say I don't know
incase you think badly f me
as I say pride
yet mostly I seem to be able to be
honest around most things
pride generally doesn't stop me opening my mouth
or worrying about what you think of me
I have reaped the rewards over and over
of telling the truth
appropriate
to the right person
except when to do so would injure...
Or I am gossipping
or scoring points
I am not perfect
at least I know mostly when these are
around and deal with it
anyway I saw the truth this week
I forgave you for shortcomings
and told the truth
I was prepared for rejection
and losing someone special
it didn't happen
I feel like it's more equal
it wasn't about me
other people have defects
other people even spiritually fit people
have Achilles heels
something glaring which needs real hard work
to reign in of level out
or patience, and tolerance by those around
like me
just like others do for my Achilles heels
any way
spring has sprung
I have dad and significant other
coming down for Easter
and I am nearly ready :)
I am knackered with decorating
yet realising it don't matter for them
yet I want it as nice as it can be
because when they are gone
I will reap the rewards
pride an act in my favour sometimes
I am ready to share my life with someone
well to share the chores!! Haha
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Self centred world
And yet, we kid ourselves
that we take responsibility
that we care
I have noticed recently
how much depend on self
How hard it is to communicate
2 way that is with many people
how hard it is to ask for help
What you mean you can't do it?
What me do that?
Ok only if you...
ask a favour
on return for what?
Nothing, just because you can
how many of us just do things
without any expectancy of anything
how many people are in our lives
that can offer us nothing
who we just see as an oppotunity fir service
not because they are a friend
someone who offers nothing
because they cab give nothing
I have realised that I am looked down on
by some people because I can offer nothing
to them, I earn less than they do
I don't dress in the sme labels
or live in the cool part of town
yet at the same time I have
Opportunities
I have the chance to have
Community
Communication
Commune with
Yet how difficult it is
To maintain it
Each person seems to believe
Their life is
Harder, busier, more important
Than the other
And so we just get on with it
And then find out
Later all that's been going on
They haven't had such a great time
Infact it's hard
Thank god for parents
Thank god for partners
Thank god for whoever
thank god for money, when there us no one
And at the same time
There must be more
what when there is no one
when there is no money
when you have nothing to offer
what then?
I also look down on people
I noticed
I used to belong to a skill swap
You paid with points
And it didn't matter if you didn't have enough points you could still ask
A person with the skill to do something
And they would
You would go overdrawn in points
But utbwas accepted that you would
Eventually earn those points back again
Or not as the case sometimes went
It wasn't about money
Unconditional
Also I read in The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo about some skill bank or something like I forget
Where you do something for someone
And it just goes into the bank in the sky kind of, the universe knows:)
And at somepoint you will
Reap a favour or good deed from
Someone at some point
I like that
It's like doing something for someone
And not getting found out
Yet how difficult is this to maintain?
How difficult us this in any area
How dfiificukt ut is
I am getting fed up of seeing how
Unkind we are to each other
How little we communicate outside of AA, infact it's very few who donin AA
Loneliness is huge
I know I am not the only one
It's a human condition
Yet hardly recognised
And the symptoms go unrecognised
I use buses and so many people
Are on something, or have smoked
Something or are smoking something
The staring eyes
How many of us
Trawl the Internet looking for
What? Always searching
Googling
Yet there are people around
Who have no one
Never speak to anyone
Never get eye contact
A smile
A squeeze on the arm
Because they can
Not because they have to earn it
Do we care that it's like that?
Is it their fault?
Is it ours?
Why am I even writing about it?
I am seeing why it was said
The local church is the hope of the world
It's there where ? I may be able to
Build the fellowship I crave
The one which I can grow old with
Build up some community
People who know their neigbours
Look out for each other
Know who and where the old peopple are
Notice someones is sick
Support, love, take care
But the greatest of these is Love
1 Corinthians 13:13
It reminds me of when I joined
A home group where we held hands
To say the serenity prayer
I realised how important that
Was to me and why?
From one week to the next
It was the only time I got to
Be touched by another human
that we take responsibility
that we care
I have noticed recently
how much depend on self
How hard it is to communicate
2 way that is with many people
how hard it is to ask for help
What you mean you can't do it?
What me do that?
Ok only if you...
ask a favour
on return for what?
Nothing, just because you can
how many of us just do things
without any expectancy of anything
how many people are in our lives
that can offer us nothing
who we just see as an oppotunity fir service
not because they are a friend
someone who offers nothing
because they cab give nothing
I have realised that I am looked down on
by some people because I can offer nothing
to them, I earn less than they do
I don't dress in the sme labels
or live in the cool part of town
yet at the same time I have
Opportunities
I have the chance to have
Community
Communication
Commune with
Yet how difficult it is
To maintain it
Each person seems to believe
Their life is
Harder, busier, more important
Than the other
And so we just get on with it
And then find out
Later all that's been going on
They haven't had such a great time
Infact it's hard
Thank god for parents
Thank god for partners
Thank god for whoever
thank god for money, when there us no one
And at the same time
There must be more
what when there is no one
when there is no money
when you have nothing to offer
what then?
I also look down on people
I noticed
I used to belong to a skill swap
You paid with points
And it didn't matter if you didn't have enough points you could still ask
A person with the skill to do something
And they would
You would go overdrawn in points
But utbwas accepted that you would
Eventually earn those points back again
Or not as the case sometimes went
It wasn't about money
Unconditional
Also I read in The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo about some skill bank or something like I forget
Where you do something for someone
And it just goes into the bank in the sky kind of, the universe knows:)
And at somepoint you will
Reap a favour or good deed from
Someone at some point
I like that
It's like doing something for someone
And not getting found out
Yet how difficult is this to maintain?
How difficult us this in any area
How dfiificukt ut is
I am getting fed up of seeing how
Unkind we are to each other
How little we communicate outside of AA, infact it's very few who donin AA
Loneliness is huge
I know I am not the only one
It's a human condition
Yet hardly recognised
And the symptoms go unrecognised
I use buses and so many people
Are on something, or have smoked
Something or are smoking something
The staring eyes
How many of us
Trawl the Internet looking for
What? Always searching
Googling
Yet there are people around
Who have no one
Never speak to anyone
Never get eye contact
A smile
A squeeze on the arm
Because they can
Not because they have to earn it
Do we care that it's like that?
Is it their fault?
Is it ours?
Why am I even writing about it?
I am seeing why it was said
The local church is the hope of the world
It's there where ? I may be able to
Build the fellowship I crave
The one which I can grow old with
Build up some community
People who know their neigbours
Look out for each other
Know who and where the old peopple are
Notice someones is sick
Support, love, take care
But the greatest of these is Love
1 Corinthians 13:13
It reminds me of when I joined
A home group where we held hands
To say the serenity prayer
I realised how important that
Was to me and why?
From one week to the next
It was the only time I got to
Be touched by another human
Friday, March 19, 2010
No steps no change no sober
They were some very wise words
I heard early on
and they still echo on
I hear them
I hear them today
much change is happening
I don't understand it all
I don't like it all
change equals loss
could be loss of who I was
which means I have become
who I am
caught up with the present
instead of caught up in the past
I am wrestling with who I am
and also who I am not
what I want and what I do not
also who you are and who you are not
and what you do and why you do not
I do want to change you
and at the same time
I do not
I want you to be you
and I want to understand
why you do what you do
I do not want to change you
I want to change my perception
of you
I want to accept you for
who you are
what you are
what you do
what you don't do
I don't want to change you
I also don't want to
be a victim of your behaviour
I don't want to just let things go
just accept everything and say nothing
be silent and withdraw
I want to be able to ask why
I want to be able to say I don't like
I want to be able to say I disagree
I want to be able to say this is how I see it
I want to be able to say can we do it like this?
I want to be able to say no definitely not today
I want to feel pain with you
I want to be frustrated with you
I want to be joyful with you
I want to share excitement with you
I want to be able to say I am afraid
I want to be honest
I want to remain considerate
I want to remain thoughtful
I want to understand what you don't want
I want to understand what you do want
I want to remain understanding
I want to not cut you out
I do not want to be cut out
I want to grow and change
I want to accept you as you are
I want all that I want fir myself for you too
if you want it
I want all that and anything else
you may want
I need to accept you may not
grow and change
I need to accept you may not want
any of that for me
I need to accept you may not see any change is me
I need to accept you will only see what you see
I need to accept your perception is your perception
I need to accept when I am with you
I may revert
I need to accept you are imperfect and human
I need to accept I am imperfect and human
accept and forgive
passive aggression is not cool
getting angry does not solve anything
other people are not always right
get rid of pedestals
get rid of pedestals
changing circles
different people
come into my path for a reason
each day is an opportunity
for learning, listening and growth
everybody teaches me
just for today
:)
I need
I heard early on
and they still echo on
I hear them
I hear them today
much change is happening
I don't understand it all
I don't like it all
change equals loss
could be loss of who I was
which means I have become
who I am
caught up with the present
instead of caught up in the past
I am wrestling with who I am
and also who I am not
what I want and what I do not
also who you are and who you are not
and what you do and why you do not
I do want to change you
and at the same time
I do not
I want you to be you
and I want to understand
why you do what you do
I do not want to change you
I want to change my perception
of you
I want to accept you for
who you are
what you are
what you do
what you don't do
I don't want to change you
I also don't want to
be a victim of your behaviour
I don't want to just let things go
just accept everything and say nothing
be silent and withdraw
I want to be able to ask why
I want to be able to say I don't like
I want to be able to say I disagree
I want to be able to say this is how I see it
I want to be able to say can we do it like this?
I want to be able to say no definitely not today
I want to feel pain with you
I want to be frustrated with you
I want to be joyful with you
I want to share excitement with you
I want to be able to say I am afraid
I want to be honest
I want to remain considerate
I want to remain thoughtful
I want to understand what you don't want
I want to understand what you do want
I want to remain understanding
I want to not cut you out
I do not want to be cut out
I want to grow and change
I want to accept you as you are
I want all that I want fir myself for you too
if you want it
I want all that and anything else
you may want
I need to accept you may not
grow and change
I need to accept you may not want
any of that for me
I need to accept you may not see any change is me
I need to accept you will only see what you see
I need to accept your perception is your perception
I need to accept when I am with you
I may revert
I need to accept you are imperfect and human
I need to accept I am imperfect and human
accept and forgive
passive aggression is not cool
getting angry does not solve anything
other people are not always right
get rid of pedestals
get rid of pedestals
changing circles
different people
come into my path for a reason
each day is an opportunity
for learning, listening and growth
everybody teaches me
just for today
:)
I need
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Shack - WM. Paul Young
Reading this book
Is bringing me closer
Because I want to?
Yes
Because I am?
Yes
I have seen mum as being
Somewhere good
Yer I have never seen
Her with Jesus
Being happy to be eith him
Only looking at heaven as
A good or better reflection
Of here on earth
Yet in heaven I see her
In relationship with Jesus
Ultimately in love with love
Loved, someone she runs to
For a hug
Without sarcasm
Soo loving
Who spends time with her
Gives her what she needs
Embrace, no strings
Never wants from her
Never cruel, never unfaithful
Always kind
And fir wendy
Her baby
She gets to be with wendy
To see her grow up
To play
To be free, unjudged
Not disabled
Not less than
Full if laughter
She too has been with Jesus
Fir a long time
He has been her father
And her mother
Everything she needed
He provided fir her
More than she could ever want
Is she still a child
A baby?
I don't know?
I don't know?
I can imagine that mum
Would pray for my peace
For all our peace
I can imagine that mum
Would want me to know
She is okay, more than ok
I know she is ok if she is
With Jesus
The journey she made
Is now forgotten
She lives in her present
Not in the suffering of her past
Her courage
I can imagine her
Praying with jesus
Praying for us, for me
For peace, my peace
Wrapped up in a beautuful
Colours of the holy spirit
Creator of natural beauty
Protector of the outside
And reliever of pain
The would have talked
On the journey
Made it comfortable
From this world to heaven
I am sure
And as she drew further
From here and nearer to
Heaven, her pain dispersed
And love and peace remained
I love that she would pray
With Jesus for me
I know that she would do this
I know
I pray with Jesus for mum
He prays with mum fur me
I have read this book in less than
24 hours
And cried most of the way
Through it
It's mothers day aswell
So it's God timing really :)
All is good that brings
Me peace around my mum
Or is it being around my mum
Brings me peace and is good?
Or my mum is good and her
Being around me brings me peace?
All of them :)
Am grateful
Is bringing me closer
Because I want to?
Yes
Because I am?
Yes
I have seen mum as being
Somewhere good
Yer I have never seen
Her with Jesus
Being happy to be eith him
Only looking at heaven as
A good or better reflection
Of here on earth
Yet in heaven I see her
In relationship with Jesus
Ultimately in love with love
Loved, someone she runs to
For a hug
Without sarcasm
Soo loving
Who spends time with her
Gives her what she needs
Embrace, no strings
Never wants from her
Never cruel, never unfaithful
Always kind
And fir wendy
Her baby
She gets to be with wendy
To see her grow up
To play
To be free, unjudged
Not disabled
Not less than
Full if laughter
She too has been with Jesus
Fir a long time
He has been her father
And her mother
Everything she needed
He provided fir her
More than she could ever want
Is she still a child
A baby?
I don't know?
I don't know?
I can imagine that mum
Would pray for my peace
For all our peace
I can imagine that mum
Would want me to know
She is okay, more than ok
I know she is ok if she is
With Jesus
The journey she made
Is now forgotten
She lives in her present
Not in the suffering of her past
Her courage
I can imagine her
Praying with jesus
Praying for us, for me
For peace, my peace
Wrapped up in a beautuful
Colours of the holy spirit
Creator of natural beauty
Protector of the outside
And reliever of pain
The would have talked
On the journey
Made it comfortable
From this world to heaven
I am sure
And as she drew further
From here and nearer to
Heaven, her pain dispersed
And love and peace remained
I love that she would pray
With Jesus for me
I know that she would do this
I know
I pray with Jesus for mum
He prays with mum fur me
I have read this book in less than
24 hours
And cried most of the way
Through it
It's mothers day aswell
So it's God timing really :)
All is good that brings
Me peace around my mum
Or is it being around my mum
Brings me peace and is good?
Or my mum is good and her
Being around me brings me peace?
All of them :)
Am grateful
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Stress is a killer
Stress is a killer
I have been warned
To stay home if I have
Still aching muscles
Not to travel to work as it
Could put unnecessary
Strain on my heart
Which is a muscle
How is this?
18 months of
Intense stress
Not self pity
Not drama queen
Big life experiences
Immune system
Shot to pieces
Which is why I am
Picking up viruses
More than I ever
Have in my life
This current one
Is like no other
I love my heart
It's time to be open
Time to listen to it
Be open to what it wants
Strangely or not!
As soon as I become
Willing to let go absolutely
Not be led into temptation
Or scurry away in avoidance
Another door opened
Light
So for the time being I must
put my feet up!!
Do nothing
Rest, watch tv
Drink juice, eat fruit
Follow instructions
And not count the sick days
Not worry about
What future employers will think
Of time off sick
Pride is also a killer!
I have been warned
To stay home if I have
Still aching muscles
Not to travel to work as it
Could put unnecessary
Strain on my heart
Which is a muscle
How is this?
18 months of
Intense stress
Not self pity
Not drama queen
Big life experiences
Immune system
Shot to pieces
Which is why I am
Picking up viruses
More than I ever
Have in my life
This current one
Is like no other
I love my heart
It's time to be open
Time to listen to it
Be open to what it wants
Strangely or not!
As soon as I become
Willing to let go absolutely
Not be led into temptation
Or scurry away in avoidance
Another door opened
Light
So for the time being I must
put my feet up!!
Do nothing
Rest, watch tv
Drink juice, eat fruit
Follow instructions
And not count the sick days
Not worry about
What future employers will think
Of time off sick
Pride is also a killer!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Imagine one beer a night...
Someone told me the other day
that they took their friend to AA
meetings each week
she has been going fir a few years
and is now down to one beer a night
Sounds like complete agony to me!
Infact it's complete agony imagining it...
I wonder whether to suggest al-anon?
For the helper who sounds like an enabler?
I still can't imagine one beer a night
well I can, and it's likley to be all
I thought about for the remaining 23 and half hours
til the next one
illusion that I can drink like a normal drinker?
No!
Any suggestions? That's all I know so far
she just slipped it into an email
as you do...
that they took their friend to AA
meetings each week
she has been going fir a few years
and is now down to one beer a night
Sounds like complete agony to me!
Infact it's complete agony imagining it...
I wonder whether to suggest al-anon?
For the helper who sounds like an enabler?
I still can't imagine one beer a night
well I can, and it's likley to be all
I thought about for the remaining 23 and half hours
til the next one
illusion that I can drink like a normal drinker?
No!
Any suggestions? That's all I know so far
she just slipped it into an email
as you do...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Dear johno
you know what to do...
follow the process, head down,
beware of being hijacked and keep on keeping on...
day at a time.. til its done :)
NOT LONG NOW
The Darkest hour is before the dawn.
You may be the (almost the) only one, with that chip of a book & spiritual toolkit going into that ego filled culture...
sounds like you are needed
(the great you ;) ...
What i mean is, I need you
To be obedient, human & disciplined
Trust me, you ARE exactly where you are supposed to be
Are you praying?? Who to??
God is your director you are his agent, channel whatever...
Pray for the fear to be removed and for your attention to be directed to what He would have you be.
Read all of step 3 in the big book.
The other big book
And remember it's MY Will not your will be done.
Also get the gaffer tape out
restraint of Tongue pen email text
no sulking
go and pray during the day
step away from your desk
take action
get out if praying in your head
pray to a power greater than you
(that would be me)
one who has all power
that one is god
may you find him now
Psalm 46:10 be still and know that
I am God
It's true
Trust me
Love
God
ps and johno...
Wot?
I Love you
:)
x
follow the process, head down,
beware of being hijacked and keep on keeping on...
day at a time.. til its done :)
NOT LONG NOW
The Darkest hour is before the dawn.
You may be the (almost the) only one, with that chip of a book & spiritual toolkit going into that ego filled culture...
sounds like you are needed
(the great you ;) ...
What i mean is, I need you
To be obedient, human & disciplined
Trust me, you ARE exactly where you are supposed to be
Are you praying?? Who to??
God is your director you are his agent, channel whatever...
Pray for the fear to be removed and for your attention to be directed to what He would have you be.
Read all of step 3 in the big book.
The other big book
And remember it's MY Will not your will be done.
Also get the gaffer tape out
restraint of Tongue pen email text
no sulking
go and pray during the day
step away from your desk
take action
get out if praying in your head
pray to a power greater than you
(that would be me)
one who has all power
that one is god
may you find him now
Psalm 46:10 be still and know that
I am God
It's true
Trust me
Love
God
ps and johno...
Wot?
I Love you
:)
x
I am not God
The main difference between God
and me us that God doesn't spend
anytime thinking he us me
I did not create today
I have no control of anything
and I struggle with this
grandiosity
accepting this short term
is easy
maintaining it
and spotting it's guises
grandiosity in me
is very difficult
I am not God
all the while
I think I have any real control
of anything, especially
when my heart will stop beating
or the like
I am disillusioned
all my supposed power
is a lie
yet to accept powerlessness
and not just be a victim
not just be manipulated
not just be hurt
harmed is a tricky balance
especially at the moment in the workplace
yet really in all life areas
all my affairs
how many times must
I renounce my defects
always my side of the street
always my inventory
always me just get right with god
and then I get a voice
I am not god
I am living today due Grace
not my grace
God given grace
my impatience
my pride
my self will
my sloth
my action
my selfichness
my grandiosity
my fear
this is all in me
I created my own misery?
Yes I can always see where I stepped
on the toes of some one or did something
if I hadn't done this,
then that wouldn't have happened
but! It doesn't mean that
I made wrong decisions
it just means I took a risk,
got involved
got out if bed and took part
and now I am hanging onto that part
like a desperate actor
as though my life depends on it
trying to control the lights and the rest of the actors
when the truth is
my part, my life is dependent upon God
a God of love
a god of growth
that wants the best for me
but god sometimes
I wish you didn't choose me
sometimes I wish that you let me go
yet I am afraid that life
without you now
will definitely be so much worse
hell
What is it you want from me?
Just please make it very clear
because I have so much suffering
perhaps this us about to become
a rock bottom in this area of my life
in Which case, although I don't want it
I really do...
I need complete humility
I need no ego
recreated
pruned
shaped
the more I let go
surrender
the stronger I become
and the more of a witness
to Gods power and love
I am
I will not leave a vacuum
when I leave a room
job, meeting, street, church, shop
if god stopped working
if creation stopped happening
if evolution did not happen
if the world stopped revolving
if my heart stops beating
if nothing - no thing happened
we would die
and me us that God doesn't spend
anytime thinking he us me
I did not create today
I have no control of anything
and I struggle with this
grandiosity
accepting this short term
is easy
maintaining it
and spotting it's guises
grandiosity in me
is very difficult
I am not God
all the while
I think I have any real control
of anything, especially
when my heart will stop beating
or the like
I am disillusioned
all my supposed power
is a lie
yet to accept powerlessness
and not just be a victim
not just be manipulated
not just be hurt
harmed is a tricky balance
especially at the moment in the workplace
yet really in all life areas
all my affairs
how many times must
I renounce my defects
always my side of the street
always my inventory
always me just get right with god
and then I get a voice
I am not god
I am living today due Grace
not my grace
God given grace
my impatience
my pride
my self will
my sloth
my action
my selfichness
my grandiosity
my fear
this is all in me
I created my own misery?
Yes I can always see where I stepped
on the toes of some one or did something
if I hadn't done this,
then that wouldn't have happened
but! It doesn't mean that
I made wrong decisions
it just means I took a risk,
got involved
got out if bed and took part
and now I am hanging onto that part
like a desperate actor
as though my life depends on it
trying to control the lights and the rest of the actors
when the truth is
my part, my life is dependent upon God
a God of love
a god of growth
that wants the best for me
but god sometimes
I wish you didn't choose me
sometimes I wish that you let me go
yet I am afraid that life
without you now
will definitely be so much worse
hell
What is it you want from me?
Just please make it very clear
because I have so much suffering
perhaps this us about to become
a rock bottom in this area of my life
in Which case, although I don't want it
I really do...
I need complete humility
I need no ego
recreated
pruned
shaped
the more I let go
surrender
the stronger I become
and the more of a witness
to Gods power and love
I am
I will not leave a vacuum
when I leave a room
job, meeting, street, church, shop
if god stopped working
if creation stopped happening
if evolution did not happen
if the world stopped revolving
if my heart stops beating
if nothing - no thing happened
we would die
Monday, February 15, 2010
Went to a meeting
Worrying is unlikely to bring on a moment of clarity
isolation - the longer i stay in it
it will get me on my own and kill me
alkyd do not think like other people
it's the first drink
life isn't always happy joyeous and free
It works
attitudes get changed not life
If u try and hang yrself
And it's not time
The rope will snap!
going to a meeting today
Listening to others
Not happy joyeous and free
Just a real mix of humans
It changed the way I felt
I would have ripped anyones head off
it put things in a better perspective
I laughed at the insane thinking
We can all describe when we are
Not stuck in our heads
perhaps my ego needs a further puncture
perhaps I needs to just say I can't do
perhaps I just need to accept I am tired
very very tired
made a call to some outside help
on the issue which
I am most afraid will mess up
my future
as it continues to mess up my today's
my personal all relations
my ambition
my financial security
my self esteem
yeh pretty well everything
I now feel neutral
I now feel unlabelled
Now I want to explore
staying neutral is a cop out
not knowing is a cop out
we will not be afraid of the past
nor wish to shut the door on it
it's time
to face me
and find out
who I really am again
the truth will set me free
In all areas
But there is always a doubt
What if it don't?
Then what!
Ahh shaddap!
I'm going to do step 10's
As it's Monday I'll
Get back from living thursday
thanks you
thank you god
isolation - the longer i stay in it
it will get me on my own and kill me
alkyd do not think like other people
it's the first drink
life isn't always happy joyeous and free
It works
attitudes get changed not life
If u try and hang yrself
And it's not time
The rope will snap!
going to a meeting today
Listening to others
Not happy joyeous and free
Just a real mix of humans
It changed the way I felt
I would have ripped anyones head off
it put things in a better perspective
I laughed at the insane thinking
We can all describe when we are
Not stuck in our heads
perhaps my ego needs a further puncture
perhaps I needs to just say I can't do
perhaps I just need to accept I am tired
very very tired
made a call to some outside help
on the issue which
I am most afraid will mess up
my future
as it continues to mess up my today's
my personal all relations
my ambition
my financial security
my self esteem
yeh pretty well everything
I now feel neutral
I now feel unlabelled
Now I want to explore
staying neutral is a cop out
not knowing is a cop out
we will not be afraid of the past
nor wish to shut the door on it
it's time
to face me
and find out
who I really am again
the truth will set me free
In all areas
But there is always a doubt
What if it don't?
Then what!
Ahh shaddap!
I'm going to do step 10's
As it's Monday I'll
Get back from living thursday
thanks you
thank you god
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Today
You know it's only about today
yet today is as a consequence of yesterday
this week I have been resting more
real dedicated quiet time
out loud prayer time
Reading
acknowledging areas
which need work on
taking steps or a step to see what needs to be done
acknowledging God did for me
what I couldn't do for myself
if I could of, I would have
it's true
I accepted that even tho
I knew what I needed
I couldn't do it
so he took drastic action instead
so often I see in others
the opportunities to change
turn towards the easier softer way
and for me, just when I think
I have managed to have
this attitude of willingness
to go to any length
in everything
I find there is something
I can't change
because I have no faith
in this area because
to have faith requires
blindness trust in god
not a human
not me
so here I am
heading into the furnace
yet
I will not turn away
I know not what will happen
but I have faith that I will
be brought closer to God
i will be a witness to His power
his love
being shaped
old stuff being broken
new stuff being broken
some some gets strengthened
still I know that all the suffering
also brings great joy
all the recovering
brings perfect moments
sometimes I want to check out, die
sometimes sitting with it is unbearable
yet somehow knowledge of my
condition, human condition
makes it more bearable
the greats of this world
has shortcomings
mental physical
yet strong in spirit
yet today is as a consequence of yesterday
this week I have been resting more
real dedicated quiet time
out loud prayer time
Reading
acknowledging areas
which need work on
taking steps or a step to see what needs to be done
acknowledging God did for me
what I couldn't do for myself
if I could of, I would have
it's true
I accepted that even tho
I knew what I needed
I couldn't do it
so he took drastic action instead
so often I see in others
the opportunities to change
turn towards the easier softer way
and for me, just when I think
I have managed to have
this attitude of willingness
to go to any length
in everything
I find there is something
I can't change
because I have no faith
in this area because
to have faith requires
blindness trust in god
not a human
not me
so here I am
heading into the furnace
yet
I will not turn away
I know not what will happen
but I have faith that I will
be brought closer to God
i will be a witness to His power
his love
being shaped
old stuff being broken
new stuff being broken
some some gets strengthened
still I know that all the suffering
also brings great joy
all the recovering
brings perfect moments
sometimes I want to check out, die
sometimes sitting with it is unbearable
yet somehow knowledge of my
condition, human condition
makes it more bearable
the greats of this world
has shortcomings
mental physical
yet strong in spirit
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Bits and pieces at the moment
I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of standing in the background in the future when God clearly wants me leading in someway. I am afraid of overexaggered paranoi about something that may not really matter in the big plan. I am afraid misleading by ommision and being misunderstood and missing out. Anyway enough.... I told u i am less self centred now haha not!!!!!!
When I stay in today it's ok, yet part of me feels dishonest. Yet this has nothing to do with the subject of AA or alcoholism.
In times of important change, I have nightmares and feel like I have regressed, it's not true, it's growing pains, remeber teenagers need extra rest while changing from children into adults, and so it is with adults, at times we need extra rest when
am going through a change like now.
I have been listening to "the Daniel project" it's 5 sermons over 5 weeeks Nov 1st - Nov 29th 2009, a john Ortberg and co podcasts, so I am Reading the book of Daniel at the moment aswell. S'funny I never knew shadrach mechak and abendigo were in the bible, gawd knows what I thought they were from? Well I suppose o didn't really think much :)
MPPC Blog with all sermoncasts on John Ortberg & Co
Changed my 3rd bedroom into a prayer, Reading and yoga room, big cushions on the floor and bookshelf, it's southfacing, so I am hoping that when the sun rise gets earlier it will inspire me to get up and read rather than stay up late and read and reflect. either way its nice to crash out in :D
I just remembered, am starting a 6 week bereavement course at a nearby salvation army on Wednesday. I wanted to go on one for ages, since 2006 when mum died, it's on my commute home, which is perfect :)
psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God
and am likely to be at risk of redundancy again shortly!! number 4
Oh the joys...
Back with joys... So much leadership commitments at church I am volunteering for and being encouraged to follow up.. So much more adhoc stuff aswell just mucking in, clearly in the right place at the moment :D i pinch myself often and think that it's all a big joke and they will turn round and say, sorry we have changed our minds, you don't fit, we dint like you, please don't come up with any more ideas, infact go away. I love i have this freedom there to try new ideas, our pastor always encouraging if it's good for us. He likes that I commit to things. I have a cold at the minute well for most of January, have had to stop doing guitar leading and practice because I don't get enough rest and get some early nights, commuting is more tiring that it was, winter maybe or just that I have a purpose, pull in and around home, community now?
And yet I still at times feel incredibly lonely...
And yet I now KNOW this too will pass
And IT DOES
Barely edited, general stuff for this new disciple!!
Never a dull moment huh?
it doesnt seem 5 minutes when most evenings I was drinking to oblivion and duvet diving most weekends away staring at the ceiling... unreliable, no life, dreaming and fantasising of being picked up off the bar stool and being made famous...
6.5 years ago...
and now... i am a legend :D
no one ever said sobriety would mean an easy life.
I got the spiritual tool kit
and shown how to use it
and now I do
mostly :)
It works dudes, it really does :D
Gods in charge
of this individual
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaTL6VAr2RY&feature=player_embedded
Duran Duran
"Ordinary World"
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world
When I stay in today it's ok, yet part of me feels dishonest. Yet this has nothing to do with the subject of AA or alcoholism.
In times of important change, I have nightmares and feel like I have regressed, it's not true, it's growing pains, remeber teenagers need extra rest while changing from children into adults, and so it is with adults, at times we need extra rest when
am going through a change like now.
I have been listening to "the Daniel project" it's 5 sermons over 5 weeeks Nov 1st - Nov 29th 2009, a john Ortberg and co podcasts, so I am Reading the book of Daniel at the moment aswell. S'funny I never knew shadrach mechak and abendigo were in the bible, gawd knows what I thought they were from? Well I suppose o didn't really think much :)
MPPC Blog with all sermoncasts on John Ortberg & Co
Changed my 3rd bedroom into a prayer, Reading and yoga room, big cushions on the floor and bookshelf, it's southfacing, so I am hoping that when the sun rise gets earlier it will inspire me to get up and read rather than stay up late and read and reflect. either way its nice to crash out in :D
I just remembered, am starting a 6 week bereavement course at a nearby salvation army on Wednesday. I wanted to go on one for ages, since 2006 when mum died, it's on my commute home, which is perfect :)
psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God
and am likely to be at risk of redundancy again shortly!! number 4
Oh the joys...
Back with joys... So much leadership commitments at church I am volunteering for and being encouraged to follow up.. So much more adhoc stuff aswell just mucking in, clearly in the right place at the moment :D i pinch myself often and think that it's all a big joke and they will turn round and say, sorry we have changed our minds, you don't fit, we dint like you, please don't come up with any more ideas, infact go away. I love i have this freedom there to try new ideas, our pastor always encouraging if it's good for us. He likes that I commit to things. I have a cold at the minute well for most of January, have had to stop doing guitar leading and practice because I don't get enough rest and get some early nights, commuting is more tiring that it was, winter maybe or just that I have a purpose, pull in and around home, community now?
And yet I still at times feel incredibly lonely...
And yet I now KNOW this too will pass
And IT DOES
Barely edited, general stuff for this new disciple!!
Never a dull moment huh?
it doesnt seem 5 minutes when most evenings I was drinking to oblivion and duvet diving most weekends away staring at the ceiling... unreliable, no life, dreaming and fantasising of being picked up off the bar stool and being made famous...
6.5 years ago...
and now... i am a legend :D
no one ever said sobriety would mean an easy life.
I got the spiritual tool kit
and shown how to use it
and now I do
mostly :)
It works dudes, it really does :D
Gods in charge
of this individual
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaTL6VAr2RY&feature=player_embedded
Duran Duran
"Ordinary World"
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Coming Down from the Holiday...
The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152
Even though my holiday
has not actually been celebrations in the conventional sense
it has been out of the usual routine
Many "firsts"
I have spent time with many friends
that I have never spent Christmas/New Year with
enjoyable
relaxing
doing
feeling
chilling
listening
exciting
acknowledging how I am doing or not
acknowledging how I am being or not
Yep am feeling the usual
back to work
is that it?
now what?
must arrange a heap of social stuff
must do
must do
must do
yet this is a trap!
Intuitively I know this ...
busyness does not lead to contentment
it is doing in a useful sense
without resentment
that changes the way I feel
as opposed to doing pleasing stuff as a fix really
or under obligation
or as an impulse reaction due to tiredness
Am I Hungry?
Am I Angry?
Am I lonely?
Am I Tired?
To go against the feeling
I am lacking
not doing enough
spiritual pride that I am not doing, yet others are, therefore I am lacking
and just
"Be still and know You are God" Psalm 46:10
take time to pray and listen
ask some questions
what Is Your Will for me this year/week/today?
what is You Will for me in the workplace?
at home
in my family
at church
friends
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Where do I fallshort at present?
What do I need Gods help with
What can I do for myself and am not?
What do I need God to grant me willingness to do?
What do I need to surrender absolutely?
What defects were at play in 2009
what do I need to ask God to work on
What do I need to let him work on
How do You want me to spend my time?
Do I need to stop anything?
How are my relationships?
What am I fearful of?
What is my experience of the outcome of that fear?
Is it False Evidence Appearing Real?
Has my fears come true?
Or has God provided what I needed?
What do I need to discuss wiuth another person?
Which is the most appropriate person?
Dont know? Then ask God please put them in my path...
Pray Earnestly
remain Open
and Listen
Hear
Even though my holiday
has not actually been celebrations in the conventional sense
it has been out of the usual routine
Many "firsts"
I have spent time with many friends
that I have never spent Christmas/New Year with
enjoyable
relaxing
doing
feeling
chilling
listening
exciting
acknowledging how I am doing or not
acknowledging how I am being or not
Yep am feeling the usual
back to work
is that it?
now what?
must arrange a heap of social stuff
must do
must do
must do
yet this is a trap!
Intuitively I know this ...
busyness does not lead to contentment
it is doing in a useful sense
without resentment
that changes the way I feel
as opposed to doing pleasing stuff as a fix really
or under obligation
or as an impulse reaction due to tiredness
Am I Hungry?
Am I Angry?
Am I lonely?
Am I Tired?
To go against the feeling
I am lacking
not doing enough
spiritual pride that I am not doing, yet others are, therefore I am lacking
and just
"Be still and know You are God" Psalm 46:10
take time to pray and listen
ask some questions
what Is Your Will for me this year/week/today?
what is You Will for me in the workplace?
at home
in my family
at church
friends
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Where do I fallshort at present?
What do I need Gods help with
What can I do for myself and am not?
What do I need God to grant me willingness to do?
What do I need to surrender absolutely?
What defects were at play in 2009
what do I need to ask God to work on
What do I need to let him work on
How do You want me to spend my time?
Do I need to stop anything?
How are my relationships?
What am I fearful of?
What is my experience of the outcome of that fear?
Is it False Evidence Appearing Real?
Has my fears come true?
Or has God provided what I needed?
What do I need to discuss wiuth another person?
Which is the most appropriate person?
Dont know? Then ask God please put them in my path...
Pray Earnestly
remain Open
and Listen
Hear
Friday, January 01, 2010
Prayer Party - end of the old - welcome in the new
Prayer Party (last years write up)
time to pray for
ourselves
our friends/family
uk
world
worship loud! in true HTB style!
Awesome :)
time to pray for
ourselves
our friends/family
uk
world
worship loud! in true HTB style!
Awesome :)
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Maybe good Maybe bad
I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead
I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?
I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!
I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family
Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have
Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often
self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it
See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet
A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed
weak yet strong
see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5
God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term
the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after
At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead
I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?
I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!
I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family
Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have
Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often
self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it
See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet
A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed
weak yet strong
see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5
God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term
the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after
At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Grace
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is You
Monday, October 05, 2009
Am I wasting the Grace I have been given?
you know these emails we get
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...
Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london
I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)
I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
wondering
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace
On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.
A question asked was
If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?
am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?
Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for
I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm
yes I can come up with some dark stuff
I ALWAYS WILL!! :)
I want do do something
people matter
Its not about making money
God provides...
I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul
Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means
I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough
I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey
I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently
I have fresh air
I love it
I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given
Dignity
Love
A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference
Discipline
Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
willingly
You made a difference
and now so do I
No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it
Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)
My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick
frustration?
Have you felt like that?
I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85
Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action
God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference
Faith without works is dead p.76
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...
Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london
I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)
I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
wondering
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace
On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.
A question asked was
If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?
am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?
Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for
I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm
yes I can come up with some dark stuff
I ALWAYS WILL!! :)
I want do do something
people matter
Its not about making money
God provides...
I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul
Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means
I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough
I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey
I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently
I have fresh air
I love it
I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given
Dignity
Love
A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference
Discipline
Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
willingly
You made a difference
and now so do I
No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it
Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)
My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick
frustration?
Have you felt like that?
I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85
Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action
God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference
Faith without works is dead p.76
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Prayer - Pray as you can - NOT as you can't
I have noticed much of my prayers
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent
I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others
I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good
I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)
So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow
this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless
Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent
I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others
I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good
I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)
So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow
this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless
Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)
Thursday, August 20, 2009
6 years today
so grateful
keep coming back
grateful to enjoy
the joys and challenges
life brings
suns hot again already and its only 9am
2 days left of holiday
in this credit crunch time
I am glad I live by the sea :)
I am for the first time
in 42 years
addressing
losing some weight
I have never had to do this
just toning before
somehow its crept on
BMI says "prone to health issues"
which would be about right...
body parts have started playing up
and there is no apparant reason...
now I know
I have to do something...
the spiritual path gets narrower
when you know better
you then have a responsibility
to do better (or at least try)
If I don't
then I suffer the consequences
towing the line
conforming
fitting myself in (or wedging myself in)
surrender to win
Let Go and Let God
Into Action
are the keys
Grateful to AA
given me a life I never had .. only dreamed
keep coming back
grateful to enjoy
the joys and challenges
life brings
suns hot again already and its only 9am
2 days left of holiday
in this credit crunch time
I am glad I live by the sea :)
I am for the first time
in 42 years
addressing
losing some weight
I have never had to do this
just toning before
somehow its crept on
BMI says "prone to health issues"
which would be about right...
body parts have started playing up
and there is no apparant reason...
now I know
I have to do something...
the spiritual path gets narrower
when you know better
you then have a responsibility
to do better (or at least try)
If I don't
then I suffer the consequences
towing the line
conforming
fitting myself in (or wedging myself in)
surrender to win
Let Go and Let God
Into Action
are the keys
Grateful to AA
given me a life I never had .. only dreamed
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Strawberry Swing
Cold Play
Strawberry Swing
enjoy the ... chalk drawing!!
i love the sneaking in in tip toes bit
and the giant squirrel firing arrows!!
awseom
Strawberry Swing
enjoy the ... chalk drawing!!
i love the sneaking in in tip toes bit
and the giant squirrel firing arrows!!
awseom
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